Michele and Michele's Husband,

I know this is going to sound cold and cruel, but you should never listen to the cries of suicide from a person who is a known manipulator. She has people in her life who care about her and who can care for her if she is earnestly disturbed.

If she kills herself, it is a choice she makes, and it has nothing to do with either of you. You would not be responsible, just as you are not required to try and "save" her right now.

Do not break no contact with this woman under any circumstances.

~ Snow

Just talked to my H and told him what he needs to do. She was trying to call in to his phone at the same time. I told H I was going to call OWH now, and H was going to tell OW that there shall be no more contact. Period.

I just got off the phone with OWH and he thanked me for the heads up and I said that I would not call him again, but if he still needed the proof he could certainly call me.

I think that's all I can do. I hope he is doing his part. He said he would call me when done. I'm waiting.

Oh dear. Michele, he shouldn't be talking to her at all, she will get the impression now that these antics work. Can you trade phones with him for a week or so so that you can intercept her calls? Her incessant phone calls will be extremely tempting to him at a very vulnerable point.

I am very concerned right now that he is talking to her. That is not good news.

HE SHOULD NOT TAKE A MINUTE OF TIME TO TELL HER NO CONTACT. HE ALREADY DID THAT. NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT.

OK, I am done yelling. What do you mean OWH will call you when he is done... done with what?

~ Snow

My H will call me when he has finished the last conversation with her. He was at a meeting tonight. Bad timing. I told him say what you are going to say and that is it. This is the last contact. It ends tonight. Now. No more. But I don't like the length of it. I'm going to have to call.

Dang it!!! Squeaky wheel gets the grease and will keep on coming back for more. I'm sure there's quite a conversation going on right now:

OW: How could you do this to me? We're soul mates.

WH: I want my family. I'm sorry.

OW: You're sorry? You're sorry because you know you love me!

WH: I didn't say that.

OW: But you can't deny it, can you? What we have is real!

WH: It seemed like it, but now I am not sure. I just want my family.

OW: But you said you loved me!

WH: And I did, er, I thought I did. But I don't.

OW: I don't believe you. You still love me....

WH: Maybe, but we must end contact.

OW: See? See? You DO love me....


This is how these things go. Give her a reason to call and she just won't quit.

~ Snow

Stay grounded and focus on the great advice you are getting. Keep your peeps open and strongly and lovingly encourage your H to stay out of any contact w/OW. There is great truth in your observation that once your WH has seen the OW's true colors, it may make you look like Miss Universe in comparison.

With that said, do NOT say anything disparaging about OW, or even say anything in a disparaging tone of voice. He may, in his foggy state, hurt you deeply by DEFENDING HER. Its sad, but it can be typical. Consider this bit of drama a plus for you in defogging your WH through the express lane!

You have done a fabulous job of staying focused, so give yourself a hearty pat on the back from all of us here on the forums!

Stay strong and focused...
Best wishes,
SD

I called and finally cut their conversation. I knew it would be just like you all said and I warned him that she would try to meet him. She did. He is pretty amazed at this point that what I say is going to happen, happens. It's great. So the conversation was just about what Snow posted. Just about exactly. He finally ended it when I called him. And while we were talking she kept trying to call him back. We counted 15 times that she tried. But I kept him on the phone with me until he got home then we turned the phone off. He will have to get a new number.
I told him that she would probably call tomorrow at work so he is to tell the receptionist not to forward the call. I told him he must do this otherwise she will keep calling the office if that is her way in. That will not stop. He said ok. I have made it clear that he cannot talk, send, or do anything that contacts her. I guess that wasn't clear.
I think we are clear now. He just wants her to go away.

I will post back tomorrow when I hear other things, but at this point we just have to maintain the NC agreement and start focusing on us. I do feel vindicated in a way. I know it's really not about that but I can't help feeling good on a level. Thanks everyone.

Oh no Michele - your husband sent a NC letter this morning, and tonight he was talking on the phone with this whacked out OW? Not good. Not good at all.

No contact means no contact. He has opened the door to continued contact. How will she believe him when he says NC. She will just pitch a fit, threaten suicide, show up at his boat, or whatever it takes.

My WH continued having contact, and I had multiple D-days. In the long run it was good for me. I stopped loving him.

Michele,

Tomorrow would be an excellent day for your H to call in sick and spend the day at home with you. A gesture by him to convince you he REALLY does not want to hear from her. You can make the phone # changes together, and spend your day without fretting as to whether or not he's accepting her calls.

JMHO
SD

Michele, stay strong! You are doing so beautifully!

Remember to guide your husband with love and a firm hand until he can be the one steering the boat. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Try to handle it with grace but don't be scared to let him know when you are hurting and need his support, too.

He just can't call in sick. This is his practice. And there will be 4 other people that will not work if he doesn't. I don't see that as an option. I will be vigilante. I honestly don't think he realized that NC meant NC. But I will watch carefully.
Last night before I went to bed, I checked his email. There was an email from OW. She was extremely pissed that I had called her H and told him about the suicide threat. She warned that I should NEVER EVER call him again. And she said it was a warning. So be it. I don't ever plan to. If he wants the proof, he can call me. But boy, right now she's out there, way out there. This morning I checked his email and there weren't any emails. That was good.

I told H I thought this would ease up in about 3 weeks. We just have to hang tight. Is that about right? Or with this craziness, can it last alot longer?

Also one other thing, if I find an email should I just delete and tell him or delete and not tell him? Thanks everyone.

Michele, did you see SD's suggestion? This is a critical time and I am very worried. You do realize how vulnerable your WH is now, right?

The craziness can last as long as several months, especially if WH keeps throwing her a bone of contact here and there.

Can your husband get a new email address? If not, can you block her address? That way no email arrives at all.

Talk to your husband about the email. Ask him if he'd be OK if you deleted email as it comes in, without reading it. Does he know you are checking his email? Ask his permission to keep doing this and deleting any email from her. You won't have to do this at all if you block her address.

You don't want to read the junk that she sends, either. It will only hurt you and hamper your recovery. There is nothing she could say to either of you that matters.

Michele, be aware that all of this is new to your husband, too. My husband was breaking it off when I busted them, too. And even though he wanted it to end, he still worried about OW and whether she was going to be OK. It took eight months for solid NC to be established. Eight months!!! There were many days when I found out he had talked to her and did not tell me as we had agreed. Be prepared for this. It would not surprise me if your WH takes a call from her today at the office, just to give her some "closure." Be emotionally prepared for that.

The person who chooses to stay in their marriage often feels they "owe" something to the affair partner. They don't. But they may have made promises they shouldn't have and the affair partner is devestated, too. The WS feel guilty for hurting the BS and for hurting the OP. I'm just saying that even though your husband is doing well, there is probably a war within him. Acknowledge it. Tell him you understand there are ties between them that need to be broken. Ask him to stay strong in NC for your sake and his sake, for everyone's sake.

Hang in there.

~ Snow

Let her "warn" away. Oh brother. Michele, you have every right to call her H if need be. And I would suggest that you keep him informed of any future contact if you think it's necessary. She is in no position to dictate to you. What nerve.

I agree with Snowbelle, just delete her emails. How is your H this morning?

Good Morning Michelle,

It sounds like you are doing a great job, far better than many of us did post-D-day!

This tactic your H's XOW is using is so common. Not the suicide threat, but using manipulation to prevent NC. The scorned OP, both male & female, simply cannot believe they lose their power over the WS.

I think it's great you have open access to your H's e-mail. My suggestion is that you should print off and mail, or otherwise forward that e-mail to OW'sH.

Then, as Snow said, either change the sign-on name on the account, or block - today. And blocking might even be better b/c (I think) the sender gets a message to that effect - that they are blocked.

And, change the cell phone number today.

I expect that there will be continued attempts at contact. Snow told you that it took 8 months for NC to solidify for her. It took my H 4 months. 4 horrible, painful months. Undertand that an OP is a master at manipulation, clever beyond words at worming their way into the WSs life, and staying there.

My H tried 3 times during the A to break it off. It was not until there was Dday, when I knew, that there was a real chance for him to really break it off. I am certainly not excusing anything - at all - just emphasizing that this is so hard for both of you.

Michele

You are doing great! I would suggest that since H has to work to day, that you ask him to call you a few times throughout the day to let you know how he's doing. You might even want to bring him lunch???

Withdrawal is tough, and manifests itself mentally and physically. It could last only three weeks, but it could last much longer, depending on how co-dependent he'd become with the OW. You can see what the very "thought" of being apart is doing to the OW.

Let's hope your H sees the weak and needy person she really is, and that he's able to withdraw without much difficulty. You'll be able to see some "life" return to his eyes, and he'll "look" at you differently, more sincerely, as the fog slowly clears.

Hang in there, Michele. You've done great so far, and from your reports, you may be in "recovery" soon. One other note, if your H has serious withdrawal symptoms, his Dr. could give him some AD's, which might take the edge off....

Love him unconditionally for the new few days, and try to avoid a relationship talk EVERY time he's with you. Spend SOME time together, just reconnecting, and he'll come around. He already knows YOU are the love of his life!

Best wishes,
SD

I see no problem in deleting the emails BUT i would forward a copy to your email before deleting it from his here is why....her "warnings" to you can be considered threats and may com in handy if you need to get a restraining order...which at this point I do suggest. And you know what the $#@^& only brought this upon herself with her skanky ways....did she not think it would get back to her husband....ignore her michele....you had every right to contact her husband and tell him the TRUTH...someone had to.

Melody, I do know how vulnerable he is. He said this is the best he has felt in months and I see that. He hasn't been smiling, he has been forgetting things and he has been very very grumpy. I see that right now he is a happier person. I will be here for him. I find that I feel better myself when we're holding eachother. I find when we are apart is when I start feeling bad and my anger comes around. So being with him and holding him is like a bandaid for me. I don't understand it, but I'm going with it.

My H is seeing a side of her he didn't know existed. H even said when she was "talking " to him on the phone during their LAST conversation(really just yelling) she was contradicting herself over and over and she said that he had told her things that he never said. So he is really blown away by this. During their relationship OW had said if they ever parted and he went back to me that she would cease communications and never talk to him again. They would never fish together or anything. Well he knows that's not true now. Matter of fact she said many times in those emails and in their last phone call that she never wanted to talk to him again, but yet she called 15 more times. So I feel he can see this all now. But I'm watching him. Or I should say watching over him.

I have made copies of these emails just in case she creates more problems. I like the warning one, it made me chuckle. I know she doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Her craziness is actually helping me. But I never want people to hurt even the worst kind of people. I'm not saying anything bad about her even though she is trashing me all over the place. Her words are bizarre.

H is coming home for lunch and I'll see his progress then. Will post back later.