WH didn't come home at all this week.. so it means he's been out of this house for a total of 2 weeks, living at his friend's place with very minimal pcs of clothing. Perhaps he bought new ones but 99% of his original belongings are still here. It's been a month and a week since D-Day. This A is like an exit affair for him because he told me he had wanted out 5 yrs ago.

He was the one who was adamant on separating. He also made a near total mess out of our financial state. To try to protect myself financially, I went to a lawyer for advise concerning a separation.

WH and I did sit down to agree on the financial terms to the separation before he actually escaped to his friend's place. I haven't seen him since. We only email or TM-ed each other and they are short, straight to the point Q&A's abt money.

I sent him the draft sep agreement last Mon. He hasn't replied to it at all. He's replied to other matters but not to the draft agreement.

Should I pursue him about this again this coming week?? I don't want to seem to be pushy as if I'm eager to separate. However, I do need to know protect my financial state and know where we are heading to because everything is now at a (very silent) standstill.

~A

At this point, you REALLY need to make protecting yourself and family with regards to the financial matters. He is a wayward, and in many people's opinions is acting as if he was using and addicted to drugs.....would you be hesitating or asking this question if that were the case? You can always work on the marriage, and reconcile, but your Wayward is setting you up for complete financial ruin, the likes which will affect you irregardless if you divorce or not. The Wayward loves the "standstill", don't let your fears enable him even more. Protect yourself NOW.

Sourmale

Best of luck

Thanx lemonman.

I've reminded WH again abt the draft sep agreement. I'm hoping he doesn't get funny ideas and start contesting.. I have little $ to drag on a legal shennigan. So does he. He's even more broke than I am!

Let's see what happens now.

~A

Hi Ashley.

How are doing today?

Alph.

Hey Alphin, thx for asking.

Most of time, I'm doing pretty OK. There's some anger still in me. Alot of disappointment still. But I'm trying to feed positive thoughts into my mind. Not abt WH returning, but how I shld live my life in the future.

From time to time, there's a dull ache. I know I DO NOT want him back when he's like this. And I'm sad sometimes, because I do not know when WH will ever have the courage to be the man he was and wants to be. Not when he's continuing to not face reality.

I also have to admit, the financial issues are foremost in my mind.. as they are survival needs. So I've been concentrating on finding a job, sending out resumes, etc.

If I'm able to solve the crucial $ probs at my end, I'll be about 85% relieved and feel less troubled.

I know it sounds cold. Me thinking of $. It's just that I know I can't control what my WH will or is doing. And I can only do what is best to protect myself and my parents for the future.


~A

It's very sensible to think about the $.

Lack of $ makes everything a whole lot worse.

Alph.

Yes, especially when it is just about crunch time... I really hope I get a job soon. I want to pay off all these cr card bills WH chalked up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

~A

Well, WH has emailed back to say he agreed to the draft terms. I can't stop him coz this is what he wants to do (iie separate). I will be sending the draft to my lawyer to draw up the sep deed.

At least things are going on somewhere... but I'm emotionally feeling really sad right now.


~A

That's a good start. You don't want him back this way. You want a better H! It's possible if he steps up to the plate. In the mean time, take care of yourself. Lack of money is only temporary. Be careful of running up too big a debit on the credit cards. Find a low interest one if you can. Get that job, and start revising your financial expenses in the short term. You should be able to file with the court for financial support from WH. If nothing else, go file for some financial aid, hit a food bank, do whatever. We all have hard times. How are YOU going to survive it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Buy a crate of Top Ramen noodles and figure out new ways to cook it. Lean on your friends if they offer help, that's why they're there. You'll have a chance to pay them back in the future.

My main priority is to run down the debts on the cr cards. (WH's fault on this) I still have quite a fair bit of savings which can go on for a number of months... I also do earn a small sum doing an online biz. Having a job pronto will stem the bleeding and help me pay back the current cr card debts faster. And more importantly, help me earn enough for a apartment rental for my parents and me in the near future, when we have to sell off this place.

WH is living on bare minimum every month. I am asking for some $ from him but it's not v. much. Especially since he will now have to find a place to rent for himself. Also, as I'm the higher qualified spouse, if we go to court, they may deem that I can support myself and might offer an even smaller quantum than what we now have mutually agreed.

He also needs to slowly repay me back the money he took from the joint a/c and pay a min sum to my cr cards every month.

We shld be able to survive for a few mths.. so I'm really hoping to get a job quick.

Once I get a good full-time job, we shld be back on track. Looking on a plain-level field, WH really loses out a lot more deciding to sep/ divorce. So, I don't know.. in a way I wonder if he's that miserable with me that he wants to be even more miserable alone or with OW. *shrug*


~A

He might be coming back tomorrow to help change my mobile phone and its a/c to my name. I figure he might pack a bag and take some more clothes too.

Not sure how I shld react to him.... any suggestions?

~A

Hi Ashley,

I'd just be friendly, but basically let him get on with it. Don't hang around him. Ask him how he's doing and leave it at that.

If he wants any more contact than that, he'll let you know.

Thinking of you.

Alph.

Yeah, you're prob right Alphin. Something rather civil and neutral.

I was thinking that it may just be a fact (rather than the fog) that he no longer loves me. That's why it's so easy for him to walk away. I guess if that's a fact, I shld move on as much as possible too.

~A

another update -- he just emailed to say he's decided to rent his friend's apartment. His new love nest, I suppose. He'll be taking more of his belongings tomorrow and officially move out by 15th of this month.

Sigh.

I feel sad, but there's nothing I can do about this.

~A, taking one day at a time

Well, he didn't come back today ... said he'll try to do it tomorrow. He's also supposed to help change my phone a/c to my name. He's really becoming less and less reliable. One of the symptoms?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

~A

I found a job doing accounting/ corporate-legal secretarial work on a freelance basis. The more a/cs I bill, the more profit share I'll earn. So that shld help with the finances bit for the short to medium term. I'm relieved... a fair portion of my problems are being solved.

WH still didn't come round the hse at all.

With the job, I'll definitely not be around when he wants to pack up all his stuff and say goodbye. May be a good thing.

I know some of you are asking me to keep trying... my question is.. keep trying to do what?? Once he moves out for good and the sep agreement signed, there'll be even less need for us to contact each other anymore. It's almost as good as divorced.

~A

Great news about the job, Ashley.

I don't know what to suggest about him moving out, wish I did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Sorry he's being such a CA.

Alph.

Hey Alphin, thx for the support.

If anyone has suggestions, I'm all ears.. coz I am at a total loss what to do. I'm this close to the edge of giving up totally. Coz what can you do if the other party's not willing? *shrug*

The only contact we have is email/ text msgs. They have been mainly abt the sep agreement. The latest voice contact by phone was about a serious side problem re: my family that just occurred on Thur nite and I had called him to ask for some advice. He told me what to do and when I found out more details, I TM-ed him and he replied and asked some more questiosn abt the situation. Then, that was all really.

I really can't wait to start doing work and not stay in the hse for 3/4 of the day. It'll help keep my mind off things. Don't think I can play ard the internet while working but I'll definitely drop by the board during my nites to check up on you guys.


~A

Journaling...

As you know WH has still been keeping the A a secret to his colleagues and most of his other investors/ friends/ family members etc.

I have decided not to tell my in-laws as I am not close to them and blood runs thicker than water.

But I did break it to one of his major investors. This major investor didn't interfere in WH's decision to separate. A few weeks later, I told one of his close friends/ investor who treats him like a brother. Let's call him S. S didn't tell WH that he knew abt the whole thing.

However, as I needed to get references for an application form to convert my membership to full CPA, I called S to say if he cld be my reference and can I come down to see him for his signature? (S has known me for 17 yrs - as long as I've known WH.) Meanwhile, since I had helped out in WH's company for awhile, I also asked WH to prepare me an employer's testimonial, which he had asked S to sign. S told him I was going to see him tomorrow for a signature.

WH got confused and asked what it was about. He was soooooo worried I'd reveal everything to S!!! He said he's rather I not go see S. I told WH the different documents that I needed and that also after getting S's signature, i need to travel to someone else's office to get her signature. That was why I cldn't pass it on to WH to get the documents done for me (besides I don't find him reliable now!!). I said if S were to ask how we are, I would not lie. I suggested perhaps it was time for WH told S the whole scenario then.

So I guess exposure does make WS' really uncomfortable.. I feel rather "evil" but it's really amusing to see the reaction actually. At this point, I don't care if WH gets angry. I know what my answer wld be if he contines to asks me to keep a secret.

~A

Met S this morning and he said he did have a small talk to WH 2 days after my email to say he is aware of the affair. WH revealed SOME things to him and told him the same excuses abt "problems" in our marriage etc etc.. but was also crying at the same time. S says that he can see in WH's eyes that he's not ready/ willing to face up to his own actions.

S was also affected by WH's actions as S had gone ahead to do something based on WH's request. And now WH has gone back on his word as well. S is also disappointed and says he has no idea what WH is thinking these days.

WH did come back while I wasn't home and he grabbed a few more pieces of clothing and some personal effects.

Anyway.. I need help with this babble coming out from WH..

WH: "since I am the one to wrong you, you can [insert whatever action]...."



Anyone???

~A