Daisy - it's 16 months past Dday for me and it has only been the past week that my WH has shown true remorse for his behaviour. It will come, but it may take time. TT

Of course she will make up her own mind, that is not the issue. But I don't think you should tell people what they want to hear, especially when its not appropriate for their situation. Seperation might have been the answer in your situation, but it's a bad idea in this situation. I know it's easier to tell her what you think she wants to hear, but it's not easier on her marriage.

losttranslation wrote:


How does calling it a "boundary" erase the damaging effects on her marriage? I am not quite following that logic. Unfortunately, it is a "boundary" that is not conducive to saving one's marriage. It might feel good in the moment, but will likely have devastating long term effects. That is what I have been trying to tell her.

Daisy, I fear lots of folks are telling you what they think you want to hear, so as to make you feel good. Well, I won't tell you what you want to hear, especially when I know it's bad advice.

The folks who are here advocating seperation, did so after they did what is called Plan A. You have never been in Plan A. This makes all the difference. When a detached WS is kicked out, they are simply relieved because they can carry on the affair unimpeded. They don't miss the BS because they were already detached. Harley refers to it as throwing him into the arms of the OW.

This is why Harley [he is the professional here] recommends seperation [Plan B] only after Plan A if the affair has not ended. If done correctly, Plan A gives the WS something TO miss. Seperation in this way is still risky, but it is done lovingly and strategically, minimizing the risk.

Now, I won't repeat all the reasons I gave - and Harley gives - against seperation, but please just be aware that if you want to save your marriage, this is a very bad path. Seperation may very well be the answer at some point, but it IS NOT a good option at this point because you have never done Plan A. Because of that, it can only have damaging effects and increase the risk of divorce.

I can promise you with all certaintly, that had my wife kicked me out on d-day, I would've been in OW's arms that night...even after I told my W I didn't want to go.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not bragging. But given where I was at, I'm very sure that's what I would've done.

This is why I'm not an advocate of separation. It provides breahting room for the affair relationship to strengthen.

If I'd kicked H out on d-day, I'm pretty sure he would have been round at OW's within minutes. I'm also pretty sure that he would have been suicidal within days - one thing that was blindingly clear was that they had nothing in common, and irritated the hell out of each other. Only the fantasy held them together, and H was already beginning to see through that.

The temptation was huge.

The reason I didn't kick him out was because I suspected that I wouldn't want him back; I was already so disenchanted with him, I knew that the only way we could hold together and provide a stable platform for our kids was for him to have the opportunity to behave well.

After six months of contact, I did kick him out. And that's when he came to his senses and started to work on things properly. Perhaps that counts as Plan A / Plan B? If so, it worked for me.

TogetherAlone