Post deleted by KMEJ

If you were "at peace" at one point before then why can you not be that way again?

Why are you afraid of not being able to take care of your boys? You're already doing it alone.

Your concerned that he may find happiness with someone else....that he may be happier with them blah, blah, blah.......maybe if that person LIKED to be put down all the time and all they wanted to do was serve HIM.

He already shows you that you aren't good enough...you're a disappointment...not a good wife, etc....

Why are you worried that he would think that in the future when he's possibly with someone else when he already thinks it ans shows it most of the time?

There is nothing wrong with you KMEJ, other than not being able to stand up for yourself and your kids.

Like the saying goes......"You've got to know when to hold 'em.....and when to fold 'em.

In your case.....JMHO.....you fold 'em....and start over with a new hand.

Post deleted by KMEJ

KMEJ,

Are you kidding me?!!! I am not a perfect wife or mother any way shape or form. Good grief!!!..... It's called real life hon!

As far as your EA, or whatever....don't you dare find another damn reason to be a victim and the guilty in your marriage!

You are in an addictive - codependent - emotionally abusive marriage....

pick yourself up off the floor and do what needs to be done...

- stop setting time limits
- stop reading your husband for every morsel of approval
and acceptance.
- stop being a victim...and make a plan girl!

Only the best...

Rachel

KMEJ,

I would like to offer a different perspective, if I may.

I am 25. My mom and dad split up when I was 12. It was absolutely the best thing that she could have done. Yes, it meant no money in the house, it meant a lot more responsibility for me, but it was worth it.

I learned, from my father's actions, what abuse looks like. I heard him yelling from in front of the tv for us to go to bed. I saw him get drunk and pass out when he was supposed to be taking care of us. I saw him make my mother feel very small.

If she has stayed and put up with it, for whatever reason, I would never have learned that you're NOT SUPPOSED to put up with that from your spouse. I would never have learned that you can be happy by getting out of a marriage, that a tough life without abuse is 1000 times better than any life with abuse.

Sure, my dad did some sweet things. He did just enough for all those years so that my mom wouldn't leave.

Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that your H's actions are normal and loving? How do you want them to show affection to their W's? The same ways your H shows you affection? If you don't stop the cycle, your boys will be no different from your H.

But this is just my perspective, and JMHO.

Cat

KMEJ....yup.....like I said you and I will never be good enough for our spouses. Yes I agree too that I contributed to some of the difficulties in our marriage. I have apologized, I have addressed some of those things. I have made changes, but for every one I make he comes up with two more.

Stop taking this crap. Stop accepting what he is telling you.
IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!!! Here is an example of my abuse:

WH: I am trying to figure out what we do together that is good.
ME: I don't think we have really worked on that because right now with the DD's it isn't about us. I am sorry but there isn't anything I can do to change that.
WH: Well I can.
ME: What do you mean? Like get rid of me and everything will be great.
WH: Not likely. (Implying he would suffer $$ and responsibility of kids)
ME: I'm sorry you are so unhappy. No one deserves to be unhappy and I do not want to be the one thing that stops you from being happy.
WH: (Starting to cry). I've always felt that I didn't deserve to be happy.
ME: Well maybe you should talk to someone about that.
WH: (Silence, then proceeds to intiate SF)

Fast forward to next day. WH barely says two words to me.
Doesn't help with breakfast. Spends long time in bathroom preening himself. Make plans to do something with DD's, last minute WH decides he really doesn't want to go. convince him to come along and he sulks the entire time. Doesn't even realize when DD's are talking to him.

The point is he goes from venom to tears in a heartbeat. It isn't normal...it isn't healthy. Especially for me.
Especially for you. What I have realized is that this is his problem. There is nothing so wrong with me to excuse his behavior. Not sure how old your kids are but listen to CA. My 12yo DD has been telling me for months to divorce her dad, because it is obvious he doesn't want to be with
me. If I stay any longer she WILL get the message that it is OK to be a doormat.

KMEJ....call an attorney. Most of them will meet for a free consultation. don't worry about being able to afford the house. He will have to pay child support. Don't let him threaten you into submission. Take a step and you will be amazingly empowered.

Post deleted by KMEJ

KMEJ:

Rinse.....Repeat.....Rinse....Repeat....Rinse....Repeat..Rin

The fabric "wears out" eventually.

LM

You have ONLY fertilized the yard today. What wrong with his lazy a#$? Now with three little tornadoes you are going to clean the house before you go to work??? That is one reason why I want to move out. After WH left I took care of the house, the dog, the kids. Mowing the lawn, shoveling the snow, cleaning up the dogs puke when she was sick. Mind you I often did these things when WH was here, and probably just as much if not more than him.

So say to yourself....if some other man saw what I give to this marriage...would he too think I didn't do enough, wasn't good enough. Come on...you and I both know the answer. Just ask the guys on this forum. Next time before you clean the house, or fertilize the lawn DON'T DO IT...instead go see an attorney. Tell your husband he is right, that this isn't going to work and that you are taking the steps to file for divorce. I can guarantee you that he will get angry....throw it all back on you.....he'll say "Fine if thats what you want" then he will refuse to talk to you.

You have 15 years on me. Take those years and get out now.
Don't wait until you are 40. I am telling you that if you do one little thing a day or a week you will feel stronger and better about your situation. Do not allow yourself to be helpless.

I believe my WH has some emotional issues that I can not solve. And even when I have tried to be supportive, it has never been enough. They need help and refuse to admit it.
They will pull you down into their depths of hell if you let them. Don't go there...it's too hard to climb out. I know...I've had it happen. I am just starting to get to the edge of the crevice. And with the help of friends and family I will get that leg up. You will too. Do you have anyone around to help you?

Oh, KMEJ, about that hand squeeze... you must be starved, darlin'. He's against PDAs? Pffft! Spare me.

Let's say you split up. WHO CARES if he winds up with someone else and the two of them seem happy? He's still who he is. He's a guy who chucked you down the stairs not too long ago. That was not about you, girly.

There is nothing, nothing, nothing my wife could ever have said or done, short of trying to kill me herself, that would have resulted in me raising my hand to her. And that wasn't because of who she is. It's because of who I am. My hands, my arms, my feet, my legs, were never used to hurt my wife. Your H's choice to do violence to you is his alone. It has nothing at all to do with you. He'd do it to anyone who allowed him.

KMEJ, you know these things we're always talking about with you are right out of the Escaping Domestic Abuse 101 textbook, right? This "it's not you, it's him" stuff. Know what? It's not a mind trick to make you feel better about anything or to protect your self esteem. It's the truth.

If you're not going to take any action, at least promise that in the future, if he so much as looks at you wrong you'll call the finest.

GC

Post deleted by KMEJ

I fear I may have gotten myself invlolved in a EA- a internet/phone EA.

To be honest, this doesn't surprise me. I made comment months ago that you were headed for this.

It might be a good idea to STOP...not only because you are still married...but also because you are NOT at an emotionally healthy place.

JMHO
committed

Post deleted by KMEJ

You do realize that you are making a horrible situation much worse in doing this. Your abusive WH is going to be able to possibly use this against you down the road. I have some sympathty for you KMEJ, but that is about all and it is dwindling. You have been given wonderful, compassionate advice here and yet you do the same things over and over again expecting different results....and then go wonder "why?".."what happened"? If your EA was close to town, can you be sure that you would not have made this a PA. This is how people literally get murdered when they have a WS like yours.

For the love of GOD, please separate yourself from this situation TONIGHT. You are just sitting on a f-ing time bomb..and your 3 tornadoes are the ones who will end up paying the price for YOU and YOUR WH's actions.

LM

It started out as helping each other as he is going throught the same thing.

Hmmm...another person from MB?

If it is...THAT is the very reason that opposite-sex emailing is frowned upon...and STRONLGY discouraged.

You are going to be another statistic...and your boys are going to be left to be raised by their Father.

How does that sound to you?

committed

Post deleted by KMEJ

how am I going to be a statistic, and how would my H get my babies?

BECAUSE YOU WILL BE DEAD.....THAT IS WHAT SHE IS SAYING.

also I never asked for sympathy. Sorry if that is what it appears I am doing. Lemonman you are a good man who I respect because you will always tell it how it is, no sugar coating it.

Post deleted by KMEJ