"Where two or more are gathered in My name, there I will be."

""Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven."

Be quiet and listen...The Lord is present...

In His arms.

Remember Abraham and Isaac, he was willing to sacrifice his son that he longed for in order to do God's will.

Let go, let God.

It is out of your hands. She is a mess. It will unfold how it must. Her relationship with the OM is over. He will not leave his wife. Pretty sure about that. She must fight her own demonds. You are a rock-stable and secure. That is the best. Take care of you and the kids, leave the rest to a higher power. If you need to go to plan b, so be it. Hugs-Jersey Girl

Thanks for the prayer guidance.

WW went to work today for the first time since I went and talked to her boss. I urged her boss to look for opportunities to encourage WW to look at reconciliation. I also asked her to check our outbox to see if WW emailed from her account. Boss assured me that no one has access to her account, but I suggested she look in her outbox anyway. WW did not spit acid on me at lunch when we swapped kids on my way to work. Maybe boss saw something. I do not know what will happen there.

OK - gotta go to church.

far

far,

I'll add this in also....

When my wife and I were going through this same thing three years back my prayers were just like yours. I prayed for her to come back, for her to love me again and for the OM to just go away. My focus was on what I wanted God to make her do when it should have been on what He would have me do.

This realization hit me hard and I changed my prayers. I prayed for strength, for His will in my life and to help me become the man-father-husband that He would have me be. I still threw in the occasional "please let her come back" prayer but the focus was on me changing not her.

You are doing a good job through all of this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

Doug

We talked tonite. Not a great talk, but communication.
A lot of the stuff from the WW handbook, but she also pointed out that she did not start the affairs until she had emotionally divorced me. And she - before she started the affairs - was spotless. She has a lot to work on. But keep in mind - even SH AND BH discerned from my description that I had lost her. BH said outright "I think the issue is you have already lost her." She told me that three or four months before the first affair. She then moved on.

I must take responsibility for my part in allowing the marriage to deteriorate to that point. She was emotionally parched. But everyone in this place has allowed their M to deteriorate to that point.

How do I do pennance for my allowing her to become so emotionally parched?

My situation is not ultra-special or anything. But it will require a miracle.

Please pray for me. Please pray for Mrs. Reason. THE REASON.

I want the miracle. I want God to bring her home. But as was shown me - God will not meddle with her free will.

And regardless of OM or not - she is currently insistent that marital reconcilliation will not happen.

Just a melancholy vent.

I will continue to follow the plan.

I will say prayers for you. I think d rose has it right. You cannot force your will. I think all marriages go thru distancing for a period of time. Your wife is trying to justify her actions. She was wrong to turn out of the relationship. What would have been better...she should have divorced first, she didn't because she really didn't wamt to do it the right way. She just was wrong. I admire you for taking responsibility for your actions leading up to the affair, but do not make the mistake of taking the blame for the actions. She had an affair, she was wrong. She is doing the reverse babble.

Let go, pray for strengh and take care of yourself and family. You cannot change her, only yourself. What is that saying, if you love someone set them free. She sounds very depressed and as if she has some bipolar tendencies. Has she seen a physician? Hugs to you and your family=Jersey

Plan A..

Show her things can change. That YOU can change.

If you know what you did on your part, fix those things. (Which is what Plan A is about) and if after a couple months divorce has not yet been filed and she's continued in the affair, then go to Plan B and end contact with her.

TR is right, FAR.

We will be praying for you, no matter what. So hard.

Love in Christ,

slh

So sorry FAR. Stay strong, hubby and I are thinking of you.

Hi, found.

Quote:
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How do I do pennance for my allowing her to become so emotionally parched?
=================================

I will tell you exactly how you do that. You let go of your guilt. That's right. You turn loose of it right now.

Your guilt is keeping you from doing the very thing you need to do. What you should be doing is to be your children's hero, and a pillar of strength for your lost wife. Stop looking at your feet, get your head up and your eyes focused on your goal.

I don't care if your wife saw an angel on the head of a pin, and the angel told her it was okay to sleep around since she had already divorced you in her mind. BULL STUFF! Come on, man. Think about this. She is playing your self confessed fault back at you, and justifying what she has done. STOP EATING CRAP THAT ISN'T YOURS TO EAT!

You need to decide what you are going to do, found. Just because she says a thing, doesn't make it true. You wouldn't believe how many BETRAYED spouses here have given in at one point or another and decided that because they were less than perfect in the marriage, that it indeed was all their fault. You sir, are fogged. While that is to be expected, you don't get to wallow around in it.

Let me ask you this. Right now, if your kids were in trouble, who would they run to?

Gimble

Gimble - I am being there for my kids. I get better with them every day. WW tells me that I can not be replaced. I know it is a slow path to recovery if it is going to happen.

I am being strong for WW. I am helping as much as possible with travel and support as she goes back and forth to Dallas to help her mom - just out of cancer surgery.

I will continue to Plan A. I am looking for more ways to create enjoyment with her. I need to take her out. I have not taken her out for years - one of the problems. I will make it happen. Frequently. From now on. That will speak volumes to her.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Meanwhile - the post from Mortarman on my "hopeless" string - about dying for her - is always in my head. I am slowly digesting it. Only beginning to understand small bits of it at a time. But God is showing me what MM was saying. It is incredible. Truly incredible. I am changing - MY character. Oh wow. The title included "can character change" - I was not asking about MINE - but sure enough - God is changing MY character.

All of this is just blowing my mind, and I have only begun to grasp one thread of that post so far.

Hi, found.

I am glad that you are working things out with God. Assuming you have been forgiven, then you need to start managing your guilt. That is what I am screaming at you about.

You need to be absolutely positive, that the blame you are toting around like a badge, is actually yours to carry. It appears to me, that you are carrying a lot of guilt that is not rightly yours. That is a very vulnerable position to place yourself in, and you will end up hurt from it if you continue.

You can not be effective with your wife until that issue is resolved.

God bless,
Gimble

FAR
Gimble is right.

I have learned from my own situation and others on here that self blame by a BS is conflict avoiudance of the highest order.

Its far easier to blame yourself and transfer your anger there than your WW.

I contributed, like you, to an unsatisfaying marriage before my FWWs affair.

I have examined my part in it , shared it with Squid and repented of it.

Its taken some time, but now, Squid is doing the same. Its no longer all justifed by my actions.

You do your WW a disservice by taking blame that is not yours.

You may have contributed to an unsatisfying marrige for her, but the choice to respond to that stimulus by having an affair was entirely her own.

Gimble beat me for months over conflict avoidance. Now I don;t have a shred of CA left inside me.

as Gimble says take your blame, but not hers.

All blessings.

Ah. I see what you are saying.
She has to own her portion of the problem.
Is that it?

Bob - glad you are OK.

Conflict avoidance is my favorite thing. I hate conflict. My wife is a master debater. Her father is a criminal attorney. She knows how to fight verbally. She does it for fun with stupid people like myself. It was only four years ago or so that I was able to hold my own in discussions with her. (we have NEVER yelled at each other) I now am able to make her stop and think about things. She is very good at critical thinking. (that is not showing right now....)

So getting into it with her ain't my favorite past time. I am a conflict avoiding procrastinator.

Bring on the 2x4s.

You don't have to be clever with your tongue to manage a disagreement FAR.

You just need to get the simple facts of your case in your mind and state it. And if clever words in return make you question your tenets, take a time out and reexamine how the new information affects your tenets.

Not CA doesn't mean shouting or fighting or debating.

It just means not avoiding that which needs to be said or worked out.

Its hard to change the habit of a lifetime - I knw I had to, but it can be done. I had to learn not only how to stop CA, but how to argue forcefully but respectfully when my passions were aroused.

Read 'love must be tough' by Dobson. Its simple and good.

I will look for it.

Thanks!

Yes, thats it. You are only responsible for your own choices, she is responsible for her own choices.

Read Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud, you can even check over on the EN Board, there is a thread probably 4 or 5 pages down now that is updated at least once weekly about setting Boundaries. (I'm taking a class on boundaries so I update it with the weekly handouts I get)

There are various Laws of Boundaries and various Myths concerning boundaries. Others who post over there are reading the book and learning about them as well, so you may be able to gleen some insight from them too.

But learning boundaries can also help you learn NOT to be a conflict avoider.

Funny - we have had the Boundaries book around for years. I have never opened it - it is my wife's.

I will read it .