"I am so lonely."

While I understand this (believe me!!), this right here is the emphasis behind EVERYTHING you have written over the last week. It is what God is trying to get thru to you.

You want your wife to make it all better, to fill your needs. You give and give, with the love bank emptying, but nothing coming in right? And under those circumstances, it will only be natural for it to become empty at some point.

Which is EXACTLY the point God is trying to get thru to YOU!! He is everything you need. He can continue to fill your love bank and everything else in your life. He can make that loneliness go away.

Ask yourself this question...when we ignore God or turn our backs on Him, does He get hurt? Does He feel lonely? If He loves us all equally, then when a person rejects Him, does He feel that sense of betrayal that we do when the love of our life rejects us?

We know in the Bible that it says that God can feel anger, and we know Jesus cried and felt pain. But did He feel loneliness and betrayal?

The answer to these questions is yes. "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" The loneliest words I think that have ever been spoken. Do you know the shortest sentence in the Bible? It is only two words. This was in response to the death of Lazarus.

Do you think Jesus has even an inkling of what you are going thru, what you are feeling? Does He have empathy for you, or is it just sympathy?

FAR, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

Everything. All things. I can be strong ffor my wife for months or years if need be, even if she puts very little back in the love bank.

FAR, you are looking in the wrong direction here. God is trying to get closer to you, and you are trying to get closer to your wife. The only way this works is if you draw near Him, and He gets your wife to draw near Him. Then guess what? If you are both near Him, you are both near each other, right?

I have said it before so many times on here to so many BSs...this isnt about your WS. He is trying to get your attention, because it is He who is lonely...who misses you. He wants you to spend time with Him, to rely on Him, to trust Him.

I will close with a story that I heard once, which does a great job to express what I am talking about here.

One day, a man (we'll call him John) decided that He wanted to deepen his relationship with Christ. So, John went down to his living room in front of the fireplace and prayed. He told Jesus that he wanted to meet Him there every morning before he went to work, jsut to spend time with Him.

Well, this went on for months. Every morning, before breakfast, John would walk down to the living room and spend time with Jesus. And he knew Jesus was there. He could feel His presence. Jesus talked to him thru the Bible he had laid on his lap, and even thru his quiet time. everytime he went there, he found Jesus there waiting for him.

Well, after a few months, there was a day where John had to go on a business trip. That morning, he came into the living room and promised Jesus that he would meet with him during the trip...and that he would be back here to meet with him in their place once the trip was over. Well, during the trip, the days were exhausting. Several days, he was so tired, that he didnt meet with Jesus. At the end of the trip, he got home and feeling guilty, he went to the living room and spent a long time just apologizing and getting back to it.

Well, this went on for a few months more. Life began to creep into his time with Jesus. Some mornings, he would just stop in the living room briefly to tell Jesus that he was sorry but he was running late for work or whatever. The times between when he would actually meet with Jesus began to lengthen to the point that it would be days and even weeks before he would meet with Jesus again.

Then, one day...after he had not met with Jesus for over three months, he was coming down the stairs to go to work. And he had this feeling come over him. You know the one, like you have forgotten your keys or something. You know you have forgotten something, but cant remember what. So, he stood in front of the living room door, scratching his head, trying to remember what it is that his mind was trying to tell him that he forgot. And it was then that he looked into the living room at the spot where he and Jesus had always met.

The vision he had was of Jesus sitting there, waiting. John ran in the room and fell to his knees in front of the chair where Jesus sat. John looked up into Jesus' eyes and asked "Have you been here everyday? Everytime? Even when I was not here?"

Jesus, with a tear in His own eye, replied to him..."John, you asked me to meet with you every morning. I have been here. Nothing made me happier than to sit down with you each morning and talk. I always have looked forward to our talks."

FAR, we neglect Jesus many times because we believe He can handle it. And He can handle it. But, we do cause Him pain, He does miss us.

As we all do, we take our eyes off Him many times. I just thank God that He never takes His eyes off me. His love bank never empties to the point that He goes NC on me. That He will always be there to meet with me.

If you are running out of strength, then you are relying on your own strength, instead of His. That is the point of what you are going thru FAR.

In His arms.

Mortar - only 41? Three years my senior. I appreciate your encouragement. Not just that which is directed at me.

I will work on that today. I will look to Him. Allow Him to fill the void. But it is hard. All my life I have looked to Him. I have relied on Him, and tried to do what I felt He told me to do. (I was once pulled aside by a girl in college - she asked "what is it that you have that makes you different?")

But I am weary of following Him. I am weary of this entire ride on this rock. Oh I am tired.

Maybe i need to get some sleep. But, for now I need to go to work.

He knows this. He promised to never give you more than you can handle.

Have you noticed what I sign my posts with most of the time. "In His arms." I started that back i nthe middle of the affair, when I had gotten to the point where I thought that I could not go one step further.

And I realized that God had brought me to a place that I needed to be. To a point where I had no strength, no vision...no idea even how I was going to take my next breath. And it was at that point that He was able to ask me if I was ready to let Him guide my life in all things, big and small.

He wants ALL of it FAR. I thought I had given Him that before. But when I reached bottom, I only then realized how much I still held onto, how much I held from Him. How much I relied on my own strength and knowledge to do.

Even these posts I write I feel arent really from me. I ask Jesus to give me what He wants me to write. Sometimes I write things here and cant imagine where that came from, because what I wrote is so unlike who I always was.

Do like my youngest boy does. When he is upset, or sick or tired, he doesnt want anything but to crawl up in my arms and fall asleep. Think about that for a minute? To crawl into someone's arms, to let them carry you as you surrender your directio nand will to them...is very powerful. It is very hard to do. We must trust that person completely!

I thought I was close to Jesus before. I realize thru this whole thing that knowing Jesus will be a life long process. That until I get to Heaven, that He will always surprise me, always be teaching me.

So, dont get down on yourself. You should actually feel good about this because you know that He is going to use this to help you get to know Him even more. To help you know yourself even more.

So, tell Him how you feel. Then, lay down and go to sleep and leave it to Him. I think you may find some powerful things happen if you just surrender to Him and let Him do the work.

As always, I am...In His arms.

MM, awesome post! FAR, read what you wrote. You are tired, of course you are. I walked in your shoes for three long years. I often was "too tired" to walk with Jesus, but guess what? When I was the most exhausted he carried me. Yes, He gave me strength when I was too tired to keep going. I have the same bad habit as you, FAR of keeping my eyes and heart on my FWH instead of the Lord. When I turn my eyes back to Him, He fills me. It does not take work, FAR. Just trust Him.

{{{FAR}}} I look forward to meeting you on the 6th.

Mortar, Faithful - thanks for your encouragement.

Faithful - i look forward to the 6th, too. Life is so crazy - i might have to bail at the last minute - but right now we are still on track.

thanks, again, MM. I appreciate where you are coming from.
So many times i have given my wife words that did not come from me- as if i were channeling God to her. And many times she has acknowledged that.

Tonite she told me she thinks I am showing signs of being obsessive (funny - first i typed obsexx..) compusive.

She is starting to lay the "you are crazy" thing on me. Earlier she walked in and made a comment about my vague comment about our tennant friend. I saw her in the store as I was on my way home. She did not arrive for another hour. WW walks in and lets me have it for not telling her that I saw tennant/friend. Apparently tennant thought I would tell WW that I saw her, so she did not call to say she was gonna be late getting in. WW says she was worried. Just out of the blue! Lots of stuff like that going on right now. She is starting to act like she thinks I am crazy. She will not respond to my letters. The one response she gave me, when I emailed her that I wanted to discuss building a new marriage based on MB principles - she wrote back "Actually, you began to act strangely withdrawn right after you sent this. I was going to answer it, but my anxiety level about what you might be planning to do next was on the rise. This prevented a response." This was the day I was served and processed the emotions of the reality of divorce. I realized I was no longer in love with her. Turns out I was served b/c I am being sued by her dentist. But I still needed to process those emotions.

I am too close to tell what she is doing. Any interpretations? Does it sound like she is starting another affair?

I am going to talk to WW about burgers in LA tomorrow. I know at least one kid will want to go, possibly all.

Since WW has made no agreements, and at this point is still thinking D, do I need to POJA? Or can I just tell her I am going, taking whatever kids want to come, and tell her she is welcome to come?

I donno if it's necessary to POJA burgers perse .... but since it's a really long drive and you are taking the kids (those who want to come, that is) you may want to approach her from that side.

Are you swinging by to pick up Believer?

I will ask if she needs a ride.

OK - had a conversation with the alien tonight. Heard a LOT of the fog talk. I have been trying to get a marriage to work that has been a rotting corpse on the side of the road for two years; her lies were justified because I was lying, too, when I confronted her about A and she lied - and I did not tell her that I knew; she cares more for the feelings of OMW than I; she stayed in the marriage the last two years because I begged her to stay in it (might be true...)

Lots and lots of entitlement, fog, etc.

I probably LBd, I do not even know.

OH - I know how it started - I asked if she saw a pic I sent to her boss (she does not have email at work) - she would not let her boss open it b/c she thinks I will send a virus or something malicious. She says she does not open some things from me to her account for the same reason. I told her I would not send something like that, then she laid into me for being high and mighty.

I get a lot of sh$t from her right now about stuff like that. She even starts it sometimes - with no provocation.

gone for 45 minutes

OK - we just had another long conversation. Serious stuff - but she helped me to understand that I was pointing a finger at her during the first convo. REALLY HURT HER. I admitted that I did to her, which really helped a lot. It took me a while to figure out what was hurting her so.... but she finally got it through to me.

Still - she is never too talkative to me. And very critical.

God, help me.

Still - I do not know if the A is dead, or if another is starting, or what.

ugh.

OK - another issue. When she found my journal/log and read through it and realized that I was logging her drinking - she began to feel that I am wanting to take her out. She feels like I am looking for ammo (technically I am...) to take her down. I am preparing to protect myself and what I feel is right. But is there something I can tell her to help her understand - or do I blow it off and let her believe what she believes?

An interesting night. Possibly even constructive...

Hi, found.


Why would you want her to think anything other than you are dead serious about protecting your children and possibly having your wife back in the marriage?

Set your face like flint, found. The rules for this game are yours. Your wife simply can't be trusted right now. Introducing the wrong chemical into the mix makes for big, earth-shattering kabooms. Her chemical is in its very own bottle right now, right where it should be. Keep it out of the mix.

God bless,
Gimble

Hello, all. I guess many of you know the patterns of ebb and flow here. Things have been kinda quiet around here. I have been doing plan A the best I can, but at this point it is to save the marriage (not for burning love). The kids, and all.

WW is very distant from me. She continues to find and point out my faults. She only discusses with me things that are necessary. Politely, but curt.

I continue to hope. A month and a half ago I was leaving cards, flowers, notes. Now, I am just trying to avoid LBs, and pull my share of the housework. I asked her tonight if she wanted to go to NY to see a show - she laid into me (we can not afford it) - plus she is lamenting not being in theatre herself. She missed an audition. Did not even ask me if I would support her in another play. Now she is slipping into depression about her career going down the tubes.

I would so love to tell her that I would and will support a theatre career for my wife. But she is not acting like my wife. And I would totally wig out if she was in another play - unless i had an in blood commitment to our M. I do not feel it is the right time to say that....

I do not know if she is flirting with another affair. I do not have the energy to find out.

I am reading Dr. Phil's book. It is good, and I am looking at my life and seeing patterns that are not good. I feel like I will want to change some things soon (like find a house with lower rent - so we can pay down some debt faster)
I think that would shake her up some.

WW has really cut back on the drinking since she got into my journal. Several times she has made comments that "I AM a good mother", and stuff like that. I re-assured her she is.

Kinda nice to be non-dynamic for now. We had a fairly heated discussion a couple of days ago - and I made a DJ - and it took me a while to see it. But we discussed it further, I realized what I had done, and apologized sincerely for the DJ. She saw the sincerety (sp?), and appreciated the apology.

I am back to awakening at 4:30 or 5 am each day. I think of her constantly, and have dreamt about her every night this week.

Many of my needs are not getting met. The love is fading. Even though not "in love", I still love her deeply. I will fight for the M until God tells me to stop. I get some positive signs occasionally. I know that if i can meet her needs that I will make deposits, and that my account will grow, but she is not allowing me much time to talk. Not 30 hrs a week - not 15. I am lucky to see 30 minutes.

One of her boundary issues is the kids. If, while she and I are in conversation, a kid comes up to her wanting - she will give to the kid instead of me. Years of that, I am realizing, has contributed to my withdrawal from her. Especially kids in the bed. I finally quit trying to compete. And she is not gonna change that, unless she has a major paradigm shift.

The benefits of being single are beckoning. I SO DO NOT WANT to be single, but i am still very selfish, and making decisions by myself is luring. I would still rather invest in the M. For as long as I need to, but I am getting NOTHING back. Except for politeness, and an occasional "thanks for dinner". The grattitude is sincere, but it ain't much.

I am also reading Boundaries and Love Must be Tough.

Gonna go watch some shooting stars.

c

Hi found.

Quote:
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I am also reading Boundaries and Love Must be Tough.
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Good books, especially the later one.

Setting a boundary regarding the issues with the kids would be a good place to start. Also, make sure that you aren't lying when you tell her she is a good mother. From what you have written here, I would not agree with you at all.

God bless,
Gimble

Well - none of us are perfect. I know that I am not the best father in the world. In her defense - she has been a SAHM for 11 years. I obviously have not written all of the wonderful features of her as a mother. She listens intently to anything they say, and she can play Barbie for hours. She only started a part time job about a year ago. She takes wonderful care of the kids, and shows them great love. She does not badmouth me to them. Yes - she has some boundaries issues. It is affecting them. But she is a great mom. Part of her issues are -imho - compensating for stuff she dealt with as a child. Her mom expected perfect manners, and did not have a problem using guilt to get results. WW does not do that. With them....

Thanks for writing. The encouragement is nice.

Damn!!

Cloud cover rolled in!

Hi, found.

I wanted to watch myself, but the haze is so thick here tonight that you can barely see the moon. Oh well.

Gimble

Where is here?
I am in the far left bottom corner...

Hi, found.

I am over in the near right bottom corner :-)

The moon has been down for a while now, but the haze is still so thick you can only barely make out any stars at all.

Gimble

I couldn't see it either. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> FAR, is your love bank nearly empty? You sound really down to me.

Her account went zero two or three weeks ago. I was served papers (turns out we are being sued for dental work that insurance did not cover) - but I processed it as getting served by her. (I knew the papers were coming - thought its was D papers) At that point - that day - I was no longer in love.

The bank is empty. I still have a great deal of love for her. I believe the M can be saved. I know the best thing for the kids is for the marriage to survive. I will keep my vows. But at this point is is all procedure and honor.