OK. Took a couple of weeks to veg - try to figure out where we are. Got some new intel this morning.

My plan A has not been great, but good. I still annoy WW, but I figured out this morning why. I determined she is still in contact with OM. His number is on her cell phone log as a dialed #.

School is starting next week (got a 6th grader and a kindergartener). Life is about to get hectic. We are going to homeschool the kindergartener.

But it looks as if plan B is imminent.

Plus - I have yet to find a paralegal to help me file paperwork in the lawsuit. I have one week left - I think I will call an attorney this morning. Anyone have any exprerience or advice on that? (getting sued for dental work the insurance did not cover)

Mortar - I need to start boning up, and getting prepared. I have no idea what details are involved in going to plan b. We will likely have to move from our house into aparments or a smaller/cheaper house. Any advice you can give will help.

Here we gooooooooooooooooooooo.....................

Any morsels of wisdom? I know - it is all over the place here - just click and start reading.

Have a nice weekend.
OH - a friend who is an attorney took my paperwork and will help with the lawsuit. PRAISE GOD!!!

How do you plan B with young kids?

far

FAR, glad you found someone to help with the lawsuit. change your thread title and put a call out to plan B experts.

FAR - Plan B will be very difficult with kids and her being a SAHM, and with two households to support.

I would let her know that she needs to get a full-time job. While home-schooling is desirable, I don't think folks that are as close to divorce as she is, should do it. I really don't see your marriage lasting long, with her continued contact with OM, and her coldness to you.

I think I would sit her down for a little heart to heart about the cost of running two households, and ask her how much she will be contributing.

Faithful - thanks for the tip.
Believer - Thanks for the advice. I, too, feel the end drawing near. I will begin to collect my thoughts, and writing it down.

I will carry part of the load homeschooling. I know it will be rough - but we have one quirky little boy who is not ready for school yet. Lots to discuss just about that.

Coldness. I have no idea what is going on in her life. I do not recognize some of the numbers in her cell phone. She is totally withdrawn from me. But she wants me to continue to provide a home, her ability to have a part time job but stay with the kids when I am working, and many other things a HUSBAND does. But i am getting nothing back.

I better start writing.

Thanks for your support and advice.



I missed the burger party b/c WW threw a fit about me wanting to take the kids and not telling her about it. I actually had mentioned it way earlier in the week. She has a way of not getting around to talking about things that make her uncomfortable.

i did not bring up the time i found out about her trip to Dinsey with the kids and one of her friends from work, until I got home. Turns out they got there and had 30 minutes left, and the two younger ones hated the whole event. I regret missing that - and my kids opportunity to meet some other wonderful kids.

I have lost most of my love for her. My commitment is the only thing left.


sighhhhhhhh

FAR -

I think it is absolutely necessary that you move to Plan B. How you are going to do that while home-schooling is beyond me. I'm afraid that you will lose your love completely for your wife. And I'll let you know, once that love is gone, it is gone.

OK. Lots of sleep and a clear head this morning. I am looking at many ways to change my life - the life of my kids - hopefully my wife - if she ever is returned.

I am in what I believe is the last part of plan A. I perceive that contact has not stopped - just gotten very covert. I think I will try to find her cell bill. She keeps it hidden now. (one bad sign itself..)

She goes back and forth between being very nice (not sweet - but very cordial) and being a total ****** to me. I have not detected any signs of withdrawal since the exposure. She has not confided anything to me - except a conversation two nights ago when she swore she was not talking to OM. She is still afraid of "what I might do". I had looked at her cell phone recent calls, and saw his number on it. I did not tell her that.

She seems annoyed by me frequently. She keeps pointing out our differences - "that is why it would not work out". (I thought diversity of thought - to a degree - creates strength... I guess I should tell her that)

She accepts gifts - flowers - praise - compliments - readily. Occasionally she remembers to thank me for something - or take notice of an effort I have made.

I am looking for ways to reduce cash flow - I need to find a lower rent house. A smaller one will reduce utilities, too. I have some debt that I think I will be able to shed if I can get the cash flow down and work two or three lucrative side jobs. (they come up every couple of months)

I would like us to be able to go to Disney - or on a vacation - instead of living day to day, dreading the few days before the next paycheck hits.

Obviously we have more issues than the marriage.

So - I am looking for ways to plan A the best that I can - and beginning to formulate plan B.

Mortar - I will go back and read your posts to me. You have guided me well thus far. I feel as if you are frustrated with me. I can understand.

I am weary - but committed. I appreciate all of the help. I long to be another MB.com success story.

I WILL be.

far

Anybody have any feelings or interpretations for me?

Prophecy?

A quote from a televangelist?

Howz your reverse babble skills?

BTW, since your W is still in the multi-personality stage and she says she isn't sure about you, then let her know you are not sure about her either. You should not have to put up with her mood swings. Let her know that.

JMHO,
L.

My reverse babble skills are not good. But I will study up on it.
thanks, Orchid!

far

I think I would suggest to your wife that she get a full time job. That will be rather shocking to her. It will help with the bills and give her less time to contact OM.

I think that will come up soon enough, if she does not decide to work on the M. I am thinking plan b will coming around soon. If I was not such a conflict avoider. Ugh.

Oh well, I need to strap on a pair and be a man.

Thanks, believer. That might be a good idea. We would need to get daycare - the kids have never experienced that. It would be a major culture shock for them. We have always liked them being at home with mom or dad.

But things have changed, have'nt they.

far

Yes, things have changed. It would be good to calmly discuss this with your wife. It seems like she enjoys the benefits of being your wife, but isn't really into the obligations.

She needs to understand that while she is making choices for herself, she is making choices for her family.

My biggest concern is that you will lose your love for her.

And I appreciate your alarm at the situation, Believer. It is good to get your words of advice. You are perceptive of my sitch.

I will make notes and plan that discussion.

She is a smart cookie. When I mentioned the day laborer I saw going into the woods where he lives the other night, she said she had thought about the possibility of her being in that scenario if I were to take her life from her. I believe she knows she would loose a custody battle, and everything else if it came to that. But she has many things going on in her that I do not understand. I wish she would just talk to me - open up completely.

OK guys! I have become lazy. Tired. Discouraged.

I am starting anew! Albeit - I will not have the energy I have put into plan A for the last 8 FREAKING MONTHS!!!

Just a little levity there...

I believe the issue to be this: I think contact with most recent OM (old geezer) has been over since June. (although his number is in the "dialed" section, apparently it does not ever let go. The last appears to be 6/29) BUT - she still text messages and has phone conversations with the one whom I suspect a PA has gone on. WW has very little un-accounted for time. After reading my journal where I documented her drinking habit, she has really gotten within the lines.
But here is the deal...

we do not communicate frequently or well. We never find time to go out to dinner. Our conversation is poisoned by distrust. She constantly finds and points out my faults. To my knowledge I do not do that to her - but she still feels very.... hmmmm... looked down upon. I know there is some form of speaking to her that does it to her. I think I will ask her to help me see it....

She talks and decorates as if she is planning on being in this house for a while.

Lessee - more data: she does a lot of things that get on my nerves, too. Mainly with the kids. She has not set good boundaries, and she is a pushover. (DJ- I know)

I - the conflict avoider - do not say much about it. When I do she gets pissed off.

I have not asked her lately to do MC with SH. I feel she is still resistant. (but if I have the talk with her that some sages here have suggested - maybe I would be more clear on where she is.)

I have no way to confirm an EA with the suspected PA-OM. I guess I could maybe record a convo - but she uses her cell exclusively. She is still very protected.

I need to show her she can trust me. But I also need to break down the EA. (if it exists) I really need to do a killer plan A right now. I feel she is looking at life and thinking about things.

OH YEA - she was in the ER yesterday - she badly sprained her finger - but they asked her if she had been diagnosed with high blood pressure. That is three doctors in a year asking that. She has yet to get it checked. I will strongly encourage her to do that this week.

I know I am a weenie and have not done a very good job at this. But I am determined to do all I can - and you are right, Mortar. I need to do more in plan A. I need to die to self. In a way that she knows.

She recently had to turn down an opportunity to audition for another play. (different director - but sure contact with old geezer) I told her I would love to help her do the play - but I couldn't.

She has used that line with me on the couple of occasions she was feeling especially amourous to me - "I would so have SF with you - but I can't". And didn't. I have recently started wondering if she has an STD. No odd meds in the cab, though. Could just be her sticking to her guns about not ever starting anything romantic with me again. (that is her goal)

OK - my goal for this week: get her out to dinner. Such a huge task with 3 young-uns. But I gotta find a way.

I will start reading threads about plan A. Lay any thoughts on me you come up with.

Yes - Believer - I know this is ambitious at this point. Just gotta pray for the strength.

I will pray for all of you. Please pray for me.

far

FAR, please make time to take her out to dinner, to pamper her. I know it's hard with young'uns. I know you're tired, and I don't blame you one bit. But even if she shows disinterest and tries to keep you at arms' length, you have no idea what your effort could mean to her.

I have three young girls, and I *know* how hard it is to find the time to cherish your spouse, and to work on building her trust and love for you again. This is just so vital to your marraige, hon.

As far as plan A ideas, does she let you meet her needs? Does she enjoy affection, non-sexual physical contact? What have you tried so far that I may have missed? Just trying to get a feel for what you have tried, and what you could possibley do.

Best wishes, hon. Don't give up.


StillLovingHim

FAR - I know how difficult it is with kids, but the Harley's suggest 15 hours a week doing fun things together, one-on-one.

The more mundane stuff - pulling my share around the house - paying the bills (she had done that for years up until this year. I have taken it on completely, and am doing a good job). She is HAPPY to let me do those. She will let me hug her, but is uncomfortable sitting on the couch with my arm around her. She stopped letting me rub her feet in may (the A started), and has not let me massage her in several months. If I set up dinner I think she would go. She has never filled out past page 3 of the EN questionaire - but I know many of her needs. I rubbed her feet almost nightly from January to about April. Also a lot of massages. No apparent time for good conversation, and since she specifically does not want the marriage to work out she does not sit still for it much any more. I know a few things I need to do with her (go on a whale watching tour, for instance, and others). She is always very distant. I perceive an EA right now with a former pal.

I took the kids to La Jolla yesterday, and we waded around with the Leopard sharks. (they come in to breed for a week a year) The kids LOVED it. I will try to take WW on tuesday morn. Will have to move work around for that - but whatever it takes.

Regarding perceived EA - should I grab her phone, call up the text that is suspicious and say "this is not typical language for 'just pals'", and bring up the letter I gave her a month &1/2 ago stating that As are not acceptable? I will try to contact a Harley on tuesday about it. They both perceive the M is over - but I will fight for it until God tells me to stop (a premonition says May of next year)

Thanks, SLH! I appreciate your input. I need a lot of support right now (like any of us does not). I am weak, and praying frequenty - "God - i need you to fix what i can not."

Mortar - still trying to grasp the whole idea of "die to self." It is much bigger than i can even imagine. Every thing that comes up has new ramifications with that filter.

WW spent a lot of time on the computer with the last A. She is spending more time on again - which was a major sign the first time.

She has anti-spyware on it and locked me out of it.

Should I walk in and just ask her if I can look at her emails? Would that be a major LB, or if so is it worth it?

I doubt she would let me, anyway.

Yea! I am at a point where every pleasant conversation seems like a little victory. Just had one - a 5 minute chat - she actually opened up to me a little.

Funny how that is such a big deal. Yet tonite she may spit acid on me.