Ruby:

Your questions are reasonable and honest. And they are also also basic emotional needs that you have. I'm sorry you're living this reality and feel you deserve to be happy.

Although I realize it's tough, it's good to hear that your perspective remains sound. Hang in there - maintain your core-values and everything else will work out.

"The highest courage is to dare to be yourself in the face of adversity. Choosing right over wrong, ethic over convenience, and truth over popularity ... these are choices that measure your life. Travel the path of integrity without looking back, for there is never a wrong time to do the right thing."

Good Luck.

FR

I thought so to FRacer, Tis sad indeed...chalk this relationship ending due to Personality differences. He thinks Im disrespecting him if I exchange words with strangers in public. We were out west and I went out to the hotel pool, there was another couple there and their kid. We'd exchanged the "where you guys from" mantra. When my fella came out to join me, this guy was two seats over throwing a ball to his kid across the pool. Needless to say that he and my guy chatted. Unbeknownst to me, he was greatly disturbed that i'd engaged in small talk. He said that he's only dated/been with women who would have given this guy the cold shoulder and thats the kind of woman he wants. I think its his own insecurities...he owns this not me. I offered for us to go to conseling together. "wont do any good, you are who you are" I personally think there is a deeper issue in him. I wont blame myself. I have done nothing out of line in my heart of hearts. I'm sad, He's looked at apts/rentalhouses online. So I guess he's willing to throw our relationship that is truly so good minus this one issue that does seem to pop up. I promised myself to never allow anyone to snuff out my light..my essence as a vibrant, outgoing and social person. Thanks for letting me vent. Perhaps he will change his mind and think on this. time will tell. We're friendly and nice, but he's cancelled goign with me to a crawfish boil, and boating on the lake for the 4th with another couple. I just find it so strange that a women and men can be so posessive to a point of being what I deem...somewhat sick. Nuff said, and happy fouth of July to you all

Um, no. Try again please.

There you go!

Thanks Gnome..atleast I know that I'm in my right mind.

He posted a profile on a dating site? And he is madly in love with you? He has issues. I wouldn't bother talking to his ex. You aren't even married yet and this stuff is popping up.

I'm not sure what his plans are as he's not eluded to the fact that he's actively seeked out storage places/apt. My game plan is this: I am going to ask him again to go to counseling with me and work through this issue. If he bucks the system I will then ask him what his time frame is on moving out...no counsel, no shackin up, dismount and move on. He is going abroad for 3weeks in August. July is fairly unbooked as far as his biz travel. His son starts school on the 8th, and I'm going out of town for 7 days and his son will go stay with his mom. I dont want to be in limbo, and I'm hoping that he is pondering the situation over this holiday weekend. I'd done some research about jealousy and sent several emails to myself. I would like to print out the info and give it to him...however, I fear his response will be on of negativity. Advice? Thanks
ruby

Rube:

If he is not receptive to counseling; he will surely not care what some articles say - no matter your intent or the message of the articles. I am afraid that your presenting the articles to him will do more harm than good. (Recall that I've been there with xw!) Xw had severe jealousy issues (which are really insecurity issues) and the presentation of any fact-based article(s) is (in their mind) telling them how bad they are. So you see the vicious cycle! From my experience; the only chance at all you have in salvaging this relationship [so that it will be a healthy one], is intense one-on-one therapy for him to deal with these issues.

Sorry for the downer. It's hard to put a positive spin on insecurity issues. Good luck my friend.

FR

"So I guess he's willing to throw our relationship that is truly so good minus this one issue that does seem to pop up"

Ruby,
This may be ONE issue, but it's coming up more and more, across a variety of circumstances, with him refusing to get help, denying it's a problem, and bailing when you talk with him about your feelings! It appears to be more and more pervasive. And, I stongly suspect it will continue to worsen unless you back down and return to living life his way. While you may agree on 95% of things, it's how you handle the 5% you disagree on! I don't see how that will change if he denies having a problem, and bails when the issue is raised. People who do have abandonment issues will often "abandon" their partner so they won't be abandoned by the partner.

He already has "abandoned" you in one way...posting an ad on an online dating site? Because of needing an ego boost?? My goodness, if that's his way of managing low self-esteem, it's my opinion that both of you are in trouble in terms of trying to have a healthy relationship.

Even if your man does have abuse or abandonment in his background, if he won't face it, acknowledge it, and seek treatment, nothing will change. He'll continue to seek outside fixes for his self-esteem and fear of abandonment. In the meantime, he'll have you become more and more dependent on him...only him...which "guarantees" that you probably won't abandon him. You'll need him too much.

I have worked in Domestic Violence before. These are classic power and control dynamics. The isolation, blaming the other, creating increasing dependency...etc. Even the meeting your needs so well...so well that you get cut off from others in your life eventually. The partner doesn't want to "share" you with others. They don't want you exposed to others who might talk you into leaving if things got difficult, or who might try and boost your self-esteem while he's trying to bring it down. Often the symptoms don't start to show up until there becomes an increasing sense of commitment in a relationship. With this increased commitment, comes the potential for even greater pain if one is "abandoned".

My first husband had many abandonment issues. I KNEW where they came from in his childhood. But, it didn't make any difference! I worked as an outpatient therapist at the time. My ex would tell me "well you're the therapist...you can fix me, and make our marriage work." He'd say it kind of jokingly, but he never would do anything to try and get help. All my knowledge and insight wasn't worth crap!! I couldn't fix him!

Abandonment is such a core survival issue. It is extremely frightening for someone to take it on to heal. But, if they don't, they will keep on being abandoned, or abandoning, because it's easier to face than the actual core survival issue itself. And this repetition of abandonment only serves to further "prove" that they were right all along about being abandoned! For example, you said that his wife had an affair. She "abandoned" him. What we don't know is whether or not he had already "abandoned" her emotionally prior to this happening. People with abandonment issues will often subconsciously set these "failure" situations up, because they assume...they KNOW..that abandonment is going to happen sooner or later. It can give them some sense of control over the abandonment, or at least allow them to continue to see it as a problem outside themselves. (My points are outside of the whole moral issue of his wife's choice to have an affair)

Trust your gut instincts! You've identified some of his issues. They're no longer in hiding. Even if HE doesn't see or acknowledge them. That's not saying that the relationship HAS to end right now. It wouldn't be unusual for him to switch to a "honeymoon" period, if he sees that you're willing to let him go when he walks out. It will seem all sweetness and wonderful again...for awhile. This can be a "power and control" tactic, too. You'll start to see the control cycle repeat itself..perhaps in a different arena of your lives together.

I hope I'm in error in what I'm discussing. But, I think that you have already started to pickup on the fact that there is a problem that seems to be creeping up more often. If you're not in individual counseling, this might be a great time to consider it. It's often helpful to have an outside, more objective opinion to help you monitor yourself within your situation. I wish you the best...

Insightful and helpful. =) thanks,
r

Its been about 6 weeks since my last post...I have come to yet another conclusion...a scary one, a real one. The cycle of the relationship if you will. 2.7 months together, its been just now that I feel that the honeymoon stage of the relationship has finally come to a close. That okay and par for the course of massaging and cultivating a longterm partnership. I dont doubt my love, I dont doubt my committment. I just dont know if I really want to get married. Or maybe its just that I dont want to be married to him. I am having a hard time putting me finger on those emotions. I do know this, I feel smothered, I feel he is needy. I take a deep breath and blow it back into the universe when I'm feeling annoyed by this behavior. Perhaps its just pms when I get these feelings...thats seems plausible and fairly accurate. I'm still figuring it out. I just had to come back to this and reread the thread. Thanks again to all for giving me several perspectives. I"m plugging along, no counsiling appts to date, but i have been asked every week "when are we going to get married" I bite my tongue so as not to say "when you and I go to premarital conseling." I just am having a hard time roaching the subject being that there has not been "the issue" to come up. Maybe thats because I'm put in a silver box, smothered by him, so that I dont have other people around to interact with.....just brainstorming and unleashing my fleeting thoughts in my safe place.
r

"Perhaps its just pms when I get these feelings"

Stop that! Stop it right now. Don't do that to yourself. PMS doesn't make you mind completely stop working. Listen to your inner voice. Read you own post again and see all the doubt you have about both him and yourself. You use the word "smothered" twice. And well you should. You've got a man you've been dating less than 3 months saying "when are we going to get married". He must be completely out of his mind. No, you shouldn't anwer the way you suggest, but with "married? I barely know you!"

Ruby, when you get past the PMS rollercoaster, you need to sit yourself down and have a serious talk with yourself. This is moving WAY to fast and you don't like it one bit.

2.7 years lmao! Thanks Check.

Oh, so sorry. That IS rather a different situation. <blush>

Still, consider the rest of my post.