You know, I get pretty tired of adoption being painted in the same shade as abortion! To read here, you would think that adoption is just as bad as abortion! I have been in the birthparent position and have NEVER regretted my decision! I am grateful for the family that our BD(birthdaughter) has in her parents! YES, I carried her under my heart for 9 months, and KNEW that I couldn't provide for her the way that her parents could! YES, it was the HARDEST thing I have ever done, but I am glad that I did, because with all the problems that my H and I have had in our M, I can guarantee that we NEVER would have made it this far if we had tried to raise her at that time!

I say that Faith NEEDS to hear from all sides, but if you have NOT been in the birthparent position, PLEASE don't bash that choice! I say that she needs to decide which is more important to her, her M or a child that was conceived in an A. And, before you ask, YES, I would have given Abbi up for adoption had my H asked me to do so! My M was THAT worth saving and I was willing to do whatever it took to save it!

I'm sorry, but like I said, to read the majority of the replies, you would think that she is talking about drowning a child, not giving this child a chance at a happy life, which, from the posts that Faith has written so far, may not be possible with Faith's H seeing the child as a constant reminder of her A.

Faith, you need to really look deep into your heart and decide what is best for your M, if you wish to save it! Being even more selfish at this point is just putting your M back to where you had it when you were involved in your A. Even with your due date so close, you can still do a lot of research on families if you decide on adoption. You can choose what type of adoption and contact you wish to have. If the xom has no rights in your state unless your H contests paternity, you can have your H sign the papers, or you can choose to have the xom raise this child, and never know what's happened, plus the possibility of having to pay CS. Heck, if the xom is single, does he really know what it's like to raise a child? Maybe he needs to do some research before he decides to raise this baby on his own. How old is he? Does he have any other children? Is he really willing to raise this child on his own or is it a possibility that he may try to use the child to keep ties with you? Just some things to think about.

Sorry if I offended anyone, but you really tweaked a sore nerve with me and the perceptions given about adoption! Selfish is the LAST thing to be connected with adoption! I know of many who are adopted and are VERY thankful that their birthparents chose life!!!!

I actually view adoption to be a very selfless act. I often wished OW would have given OC up for adoption before I was able to bond w/ OC. It just seemed to me that you are bringing a child into a world that will be difficult from the start when there is an A. That to me is very sad.

However, my concern is that Faith does not seem sure she is doing the right thing. I also worry as another poster pointed out that she may choose to do this and her marriage may not work out. If that is a risk she is willing to take, then there is absolutely nothing wrong w/ giving the baby a fresh start.

While I sit her 8 months pregnant, I can not imagine giving this baby up for adoption, but I respect anyone that can.

I just think Faith needs to do some soul searching to be sure this is something she can live with.

Faith~

It is indeed a selfless act if you decide to give the baby up for adoption, and you shouldn't be made to feel otherwise.

At the same time, I believe to keep the baby would be a selfless act as well, and you shouldn't be made to feel otherwise in that case either.

In both scenarios you would be losing someone you love and would like to keep in your life.

From your posts, you don't seem like a selfish person, (not post A anyway), so I don't believe you'll come to any decision lightly or because of selfish reasons--no matter the final decision.

You seem very torn over this, and rightly so, having to decide between two people you love.

I wish you well.

~ad

Faith:

Sit down with a piece of paper or two and label them with your choices then makes columns for +/-. That may help in your decision making. Don't rule anything in or out at this point.

Make an appointment to speak to an adoption agency counselor (reputable one). They could put you in contact with someone else who has gone through what you're going through. I believe Planned Parenthood has services that may be of help to you too or they could put you in contact with help.

Weigh all options carefully.

Don't want to complicate your situation further, so am not going to give you my personal opinion.

Looks for professional help. That's what you need. There should be organizations in your area that can help you. Don't hesitate to pick that phone up and ask questions and/or ask for help, make appointments etc.

Best Wishes

Faith,

I am afraid you are making several very very bad mistakes right now and I am afriad there is little time to remedy them. But, I will offer you some advice to consider.

Let's start with the marriage. THere is a child coming into this marriage that should NOT have been conceived. There is a child in this marrige who is about to have it's life torn apart. There is a man in this marriage who has been cheated on, lied to, and then finally betrayed at a level that I fever no woman posting to you truely understands, and clearly you don't. Finally, there is you the soon to be birth mother faced with a series of decisions that will harm many people NO MATTER WHAT YOU CHOOSE.

What you have not told us is how long your H has known of the affair? How long has he known of the parternity of the child? How was that paternity deteremined?

I ask all of these questions because someone earlier pointed out something and that was it seemed your H was primarily afriad that the child would keep you and OM in contact. Further, you yourself pointed out that he felt the child would remind him of the affair and YOUR betrayal.

Now it seems to me the best case scenario is that he accepts the child and raises it as his how. It could keep the marriage together, your 2 year old is not torn out of a family, and in theory YOU would be happy. The only person making a sacrifice in this deal is your H. The man you lied to, and betrayed, and clearly disrespected.

What have you done to persuade him he could trust you? What have you done to persuade him that keeping this child could be a win for him? What have you done to persuade him that he is not a big fool, that he won't get stuck with the check of child support which he will if he accepts the child, and that YOU have learned from the affair and that things have changed such that YOU want to be married to him?

What do his parents think? What do your parents think? Do you think this would be an heroic act for him to do? Do your parents or his? Is there any way that keeping this child has been presented to him in a manner that won't further make him feel like the worlds biggest fool?

If the answers to most of these questions are no, you need to seek counseling, you need to be talking to your parents and his, and you need to be addressing what you are asking of him, and undertand why he is so reluctant to accept this child.

You have done a lot of damage, and so far all you have talked about are the choices, but oddly the choices will increase IF there has and is action taken to rectify the damage done, and one of the first things to do is try to understand your H's fear of the OM and the OM"s representative, the baby you are carrying. If you don't address this, then your choices are limited, but if you keep this child your other one is going to be hurt more than he/she already has been.

Talk to us, but more importantly talk to your H but not about the baby, but about the marriage, your fears, his fears, and realize you are asking something that biologically he is NOT programmed to do. Yes, it is done, but since you have only been married for 5 years and over 20% of that you spent in an affair producing a child with OM, I must question YOUR sincerity and your goals as clearly your H is. I am betting his unwillingness to accept this child has a lot to do with the fact that he does NOT trust YOU or the OM. Is there someway to protect your H from responsibility? HAve you talked to a lawyer, if not do so.

Please get with the program, it may not be too late but I sure wish you had showed up here 5 months ago. By the way how long has the affair been over?

God Bless,

JL

JL~ I fully understand her H has every right to ask this of faith, and to say D is in the works if she keeps the baby, but if she does keep the baby, I don't think she, by herself and her decision alone is the only one responsible for hurting her 2 yr old child. H's making choices here too, that affect his 2 yr old.

Don't we always say even D should be POJA'd?

PS. Outstanding advice, as always.

***ETA: Which people do you count as the MANY people harmed no matter what she chooses, IF her choice is adoption?***

AD,

You ask good questions as usual.
You asked
That is the point. He has had NO choice here. He had no choice in her affair, her becoming pregnant, her choice to not abort this child, her choice of avoid adoption, her choice to...

He ONLY choice as presented so far (hence the questions) is to ACCEPT all of this abuse and disrespect AND raise another man's baby and if he views it like this, their marriage will be H**L and their child will suffer no matter what.

You are asking doesn't he have a choice to stay for his own child? The answer is we don't know that he does neither does he as Faith has spent over 20% of the marriage lying and cheating on him, so even if he made the choice to stay, he is NOT making the choice to stay because he does not have that choice, she does. She has chosen the affair and she can chose it again.

So actually given the level of knowledge we have of this situation, he has NO CHOICE, because he has no say in ANY of her choices and she controls the marriage, the desposition of the this poor baby, and yes even their own child for as a male he is unlikely to get custody.




Yup, but clearly she has decided not to negotiate because she has to our knowledge put nothing on the table but take it or leave it. That is why I am on her case. It is not surprising he is hurt, his doesn't trust her, and that he will and can become royally screwed by her deceit. She should have and should be doing her best to talk to him about THEIR life and why he would care to stay with her and it would be to his advantage. Give the little that has been said, he has no choices but to lose.

PS. Outstanding advice, as always. [/quote]

Thank you and I do take your questions in the light I know you mean them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Finally you asked
Well, in my opinion and as everyone here should realize it is an opinion. IF her choice is to choose adoption, her two year old loses a sibling, she must give up a child she does not want to give up, as much as I detest OM he loses a child he fathered, and the H may lose the most...his W's love if he has it now, a marriage where sorrow and regret are gone, and finally a child he may come to love.

I do think adoption is a good choice (I mean good in that it has a lot of positive aspects to it, but like everything it comes with consequences) Just as her decisions have consequences far beyond what she even imagines today.

AD, I think you understand this, and you and your H are two of the really good people with the best possible outcome, and still I think you would admit there has been a cost. OM is not out of your thoughts even yet is he? You and your H have handled things about as well as anyone could imagine, and yet there are costs right?

I just wish Faith had come here months ago for you to talk with her, for Tigger to talk with her, for a few others such as K to perhaps talk to her H.

She is asking her H to take on faith something that has not been true for over a year, she loves him and values him over all others. It hasn't been true, and he would have to assume it will be true. Now you see why my questions. I don't know enough and probably never will to truely help her, but perhaps if we understood the timeline, how the affair ended, how H found out about the paternity of the child etc. we could offer suggestions for her to use and actually USE the POJA.

Hope this makes it clearer.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Faith if you can use the search feature here look up my first post on this site and then follow the remaining posts of that lady (most were lost in a disk crash in 99) You will be amazed at her last post. FacingCHoices was the ladies name.

Faith,

I wish that I had some incredible advice to give you. I'd be interested in your answers to the questions that JL asked---how long has your husband known, how long has the affair been over, are you in counseling, etc.

With the baby due in a week, there simply isn't enough time for the two of you to work this through in MB style (easily). It sounds like much of of the situation has been discussed between you and your husband. I'm not convinced that you keeping the baby is either "selfless" or "in the best interests of the children"---but I don't know what issues have been in your marriage, or what effort your husband is willing to make. My gut tells me that adoption would probably be the best chance for your marriage to make it. My gut also tells me that whatever you do decide---one option that should be completely off the table is running to the OM to make a family. History would say that it would be highly unlikely to work out.

Now I agree with K.

Faith I am older I suspect, than you.

If it was my husband I wanted, I would move Heaven and Earth for him.

I would not continue the hurt by keeping a child conceived through an affair unless I was still in love with my lover, then it would be no question.

Keeping an unwanted by your husband baby would surely devastate future happiness w/your husband if you want him.

Your gift is life to your baby. Period. Life.

You can give the baby up and continue on and work hard to resolve this w/your H.

JL (as usual) brought up good questions on whether or not your parents know, if so how do they feel?

Bottom line it's probably the baby or your marriage.

Sorry you find yourself here and again you'll all be in my prayers.
Debi

JL~
Thank you for answering my questions in such an understandable way, as usual. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


See, I guess it's not so clear to me she's decided not to negotiate. To me, our knowledge is only that we don't know much of anything, other than abortion is out, and adoption or giving up to OM is difficult. She hasn't said either way as to any offer, promise, or option she's tried to make to H, or not. We don't know if she's offered anything at all, to try to make this situation doable. Just because she hasn't told us, doesn't automatically mean she hasn't. That's why I asked her if she's discussed with her H if there are any circumstances under which he'd be willing to let her keep and raise the baby with her.

Maybe I have too much of a soft spot for Faith, but from the small amount she's revealed, one could say, her H is offering a take it or leave it choice as well. We know, (admittedly 2nd hand), that he's said the M or the baby, but not both. We don't know any more details of negotiations made by him either.

K~ Good thing I wasn't trying to convince you keeping the baby is selfless. I stand by my comment though. Good Lord, I didn't mean it was selfless in the same vein as Mother Theresa selfless, or that she'd be some martyr. I just don't like the idea of her being painted as selfish if she does indeed keep the baby. She'd be giving up a man she says she loves in order to keep the baby. I will say, I wasn't thinking long term enough when I made the comment, and I admit I wasn't thinking of her 2 yo at the moment. Since keeping the baby=D,her 2yo would be hurt, and that is not completely selfless.