Karona - I live in a rural area so I'm limited on places to go to lunch/dinner. There are two in particular I go to both seem to have all age groups at the bar. One is alittle upscale but I know the barmaids/tenders and I'm quite comfortable eating there alone.

I just got to a point if WH won't take me for dinner/drinks then I'll just do it alone..If he was deceased I'd do it - what's the difference???

Would I eat at an "Outback" bar alone - YES....I may not have a full course dinner - just a few drinks and munchies..You'd be suprised how many women sit alone for dinner/drinks. Would I do it at a 5 star restaurant - NO..Unless, I was traveling for my job or something..

As for your "comfort zone" yes, the first couple of times it felt funny- but, I got over that. If I run into people that know my WH and myself - I just make an excuse for him not being there..Golf, work, whatever..Then I'm not looked at like I'm out "looking"..

Yes, you can/do get hit on - but, it's how you respond that matters. Actually, I like alittle male conversaton/attention - it's overdue. Majority of times it's just basic conversation - and hey, it was nice talking to you..see you again..I guess if I was really "looking" to meet someone like the original poster - this would be an easy way..

ITHURTS,

This is just something that would be so huge for me to do.
I need to make it a project for myself.

Not too long ago, I ate lunch "alone". I was proud of myself for doing that. I went to Panera. My thougth process was, I will get a salad, and take it home.
As I stood in line, I looked around, and it wasn't real crowded. So, I decided to stay and eat.

It was an accomplishment for myself to do this.
I haven't done it since, but it felt good at then and shortly after.

Thanks for the response.
Karona

Okay, maybe we should consider a thread on doing one thing a week that takes people out of their comfort zone.

People can post one thing they would like to do and then account back to the group how it went, how it felt, and then everyone can cheer and encourage others on their path to self confidence.

This could be interesting, and fun!!

Karona

Karona, it just takes practice. The nice thing is when you meet women as well as men. I've gone out for drinks alone and had no one talk to me. Or I've had a lot of people talk to me. Once, someone I knew from years ago was there and when he found out I was alone, he acted all impressed. I thought "What's wrong with this guy? I'm 37 years old. It's no big deal."

Start with lunch. Bring a book or work. It's great protection and if you look around and smile a lot, someone might ask you what you're working on.

I'm sure your right GG.

I guess I have to add this to the list of, "out of my comfort zone"!


My problem is, I have been unable to strike up conversation with just anyone. I wasn't given the "gift to gab".
I tend to listen, until I get to know the person.
I try to work on this and improve, but it is my personality.

Karona

Karona, some things are our "nature" and some things can be acted on....makes no difference how shy one is, everyone has the capacity to order their mouth to speak, regardless of "feelings"... the issue in such cases is not personality...it is motivation. But aside from that, the best way to overcome such shortcomings is practice....imagine scenarios, and what you could say, build up a list of verbal "actions", and imagine yourself doing stuff...this will better prepare you (since you lack the gift of gab), and there are also many books with good ideas...shyness is not something to embrace, it is something to overcome, not all our "personality" traits should be encouraged (so to speak), some need to be actively changed...and can be.

The thing is Karona, a principle is involved. Human beings don't do anything without a reason, or percieved reward (that is the principle). You may not be naturally extroverted, but that is unlikely what is at work, because you can talk, and you do, to many people, on YOUR terms. I would guess the "payoff" for you is not wanting to risk rejection, appear foolish, say something dumb, be embarrased whatever.... in the end, is most likely a self-esteem issue, not a personality trait, and you are avoiding owning that...cause then you would have to do something about it...much easier to just say...oh well, that's just who I am.

But then again, maybe I don't know anything at all, and your tounge does not work well in the presence of strangers. You decide. No offense, just thought you might like another view of these matters.

btw..the payoff is pretty obvious, once you do this and are successful (cause success is gauranteed in these kinds of matters), and you "survive" any rejection or verbal stumbling and see you are still ok, and you get all the positive outcomes of validation, your "perception" of reward will change, and you will probably become a virtual chatterbox, basking in all the "rewards".

Great to hear that your life is taking a turn for the better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> From the way you describe yourself, you should have no problems having NICE men talk to you. The minor issue is separating the "wheat" from the sleazy "chaff".

Strangely enough, I am looking forward to the "dance" of meeting ladies. I wrote in another thread there is a lady in my "circle" who is single, doesn't drink, has invited me in her office to chat inthe past and we SEEM to have good eye contact whenever we talk.

I seem to remember that if a woman makes good eye contact that is a good thing? Is that correct? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Once my nettlesome STBXW is on her plane overseas, I'm planning on asking the above lady out for coffee as a "get to know each other" mini-date...

Hope all works out...if not, I'll keep plugging... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

WNB

Hey, Karona, you don't have to making bubbling conversation. All you need are some essential questions to ask.

Question 1: "So, what do you do?"
Blah, blah, blah.
Reply: That sounds interesting/challenging/frustrating/exciting.
Blah, blah, blah.

Question 2: "Are you from around here?"
Since you live in a rural area like me, most people will know the question means have you lived your entire life in this area.
If the answer is "yes," you play the "do you know" game. If the answer is no, you can ask were they're from.

If you want to lead with something less personal, the weather is always a safe non-commital topic.

Basically, the trick is to get the other person talk about himself.

Gentlemen, it works the same way for women.

Yep, everyones favorite subject is "themself"...the real trick is not getting someone to talk about themself....but to get them to STOP talking about themself....chuckle...

(Knight50)
"You may not be naturally extroverted, but that is unlikely what is at work, because you can talk, and you do, to many people, on YOUR terms. I would guess the "payoff" for you is not wanting to risk rejection, appear foolish, say something dumb, be embarrased whatever.... in the end, is most likely a self-esteem issue, not a personality trait, and you are avoiding owning that...cause then you would have to do something about it...much easier to just say...oh well, that's just who I am."


I would agree to most of what you have said. It is more self esteem related, but avoiding, that is something I have been working on, so I don't want that label.
I have grown in the past probably 8 years. I do work on myself and try to overcome this feeling.
But, it is an ongoing work in progress.

Growing up and into adulthood I was very shy. One on one I was fine, put me in a group, and I felt when I opened my mouth, no one really listened. Or, what you described saying something dumb......
I became a better listener than a talker.
If you feel I'm avoiding the ownership of it, okay.
I know that I have come a long way, and I still have further to go, but I do attempt to work on it.

I will say, I have a much easier time talking to women than men, and maybe this is what your referring to as far as MY terms. I don't know why really. I would venture to say women are more critical than men (of a woman), so really this should be the harder of the two.
I don't have ease with talking to men. It makes me very nervous to talk to men in person. I stumble, feel dumb, all of it!

I appreciate you view. Sometimes I have a hard time knowing how to take your responses. However, after I read it a couple times I realize you don't mean harm, your just giving your view from an outsider looking in.


WNB,

If a woman makes good eye contact, I'd say there is a message there. Good Luck!!

Karona

Reaching out to and talking to people is like the high dive; it sure is scary, it might sting a bit if it goes wrong, but if everything goes right...SCORE!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Someone out here has mentioned that practice is a good thing. I have taken that to heart and started that...

I pay attention my waitresses name and use it, I am looking for simple reasons to talk to women as I go through my day (grocery/video store, etc.) No ulterior motives...I know I may get the "evil eye" from time to time...oh well.

I am just preparing for that time when the REAL Mrs. WNB MAY be in my vicinity, so I won't be too scared to talk to her.

It is heartening to know that women are as terrified as we are about initiating contact...it's no picnic for me either.

You'll do great! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

WNB

wh, your exuberance is refreshing, I think you have learned your lessons, and will do well. Indeed the practice you mentioned is great idea, maybe you could try the same thing with males karona, no risk really, but good drill.

Thx for realizing I mean no harm karona, my only ulterior motive is wishing everyone could have safe, healthy, happy lives...why? Cause I am an altruist or some such....nah, I am as selfish as the next guy...I want that cause it is a better world for me to live in ...smile...

And yes, that is an example of what I meant about "your" terms. Ok, I accept you are aware of your shortcomings, and are taking actions...so consider my comments be about ecouragement to continue and maybe increase the efforts.

Karona - I do have the "gift of gab"..Sometimes it's a good thing - sometimes not.

Do not expect that the first or everytime you eat at the bar alone you'll have people to talk to. There have been times where noone seems approachable nor has someone struck up a conversation with me..So be patient..Try to give off vibes that you are looking for conversation not "to meet your next H". LOL..... I think that "air" attracts people.

Any naturally if you go to the same places in your area - the barmaids/tenders will introduce you to other regulars which helps too..

If a guy who's with his date starts talking - be sure to include her in whatever you say to him...Don't let her see you as a threat..Open and friendly..that's the look you want..

Maybe since I'm not "looking" people are more open to conversation w/me. My WH went out w/me and I said HI, etc. to alot of people that he didn't have a clue who they were..He was shocked that I've met so many people..and here he thought I was still broken/rejected/ etc. from his A's...I showed him his tramps may hate me but many people find me funny, kind and basically a good girl..

Karona - If you really think this is gonna be tough - just have 1 or 2 drinks and leave..Leave a nice tip - then your next time in they will remember you. Or even the first couple of times go w/a gf then after you met a few people start going alone..Some places I'll be w/my WH, a gf, or myself..I like to mix it up..throw everyone off base..

If you have to start at places like Panera - do that..just don't get stuck there only - venture out. Practice w/married men - since you know "they are safe".

Quote- I don't have ease with talking to men. It makes me very nervous to talk to men in person. I stumble, feel dumb, all of it!
Quote

That's because your looking/expecting, etc...RELAX...Talk about anything - even what your eating..tell them how great it is..how you love the food at this particular restaurant..whatever,,just talk..Hell, men never listen anyway.LOL...

Get a couple of books on body language - look the part and you will be the part..

WSNB - Eye contact - yes, it works..BUT..be careful.I made alittle too much eye contact recently..Could have turned out like the other posters Navy Seal situation..I had to remember that I was still married.

Boy - I think I'll head out for dinner/drinks tonite ALONE...



I did have a hard time - since we own a well known business in the area and when people asked where I worked I was a little evasive..I don't want them to like me for what we own or what I can possibly do for them. So I had to downplay myself quite a bit.THough, I think that was the best thing. Rather than how WH tells everyone what material objects he has..to draw them..

WNB~~~

I can't speak for all, but for me, it's a challenge!!

But, to both of you, I saw a guy today from the gym at the mall. I spoke, said Hello! He said NOTHING in return!
I'm not interested in him at all, but I still gave it a shot, and, he didn't respond.

K50~~

I will take it that way then K50!

Karona

ItHurts,

OHHHH, I think I want to stay away from the married men, UNLESS, they would be a H of one of my friends. If it were one of them, I would say something short, and move on.

And Yes, I'm sure the key is to RELAX!!!

Thanks,
Karona

Karona, I have this problem, too, but once I get started, I can't stop talking - like a nervous habit sometimes. I've gotten better at talking to strangers but still get anxious. I'm afraid that each comment is bringing me closer to saying the wrong thing or not knowing what to say next. These are clearly things I need to work on, not to dismiss as my basic nature, even though being an introvert makes it harder. That's why, when I'm ready, I'm thinking of trying on-line dating since writing first seems less scary than talking.

And remember, if you feel old, think how I feel. I try to remind myself that while all the 20, 30, and 40 year old guys probably won't be interested in me (though my XBF is 46), I'm not really interested in them either.

Isn't that funny.

I always feel the same. Being 42, I think, 40 year olds aren't interested in me, so 30's woudn't be either. BUT, xbf just turned 35! I guess we need to remember this don't we??!

I'm so much better than I used to be. I have an older sister who was always outgoing, I was the shy one.
My mom is amazed at the turn around. My sister is now the one who stands back, and I'm more in the front anymore.
SO, I have gotten somewhat better, but there is always room for improvement.

Any news??

Karona

I can believe this. I went another round of speed dating and got a few hits this time.

The woman who very skillfully drew me out to the point that I failed to get the chance to learn anything about her did not select me.

The woman who told me a story about how she discovered her career through a mistake did select me. I made it clear to her that I found her story delightful. Also, I did not merely ask if she had kids, but I asked about them.

The woman who had a job working with seriously ill children also selected me. I told her how difficult I thought that must be, and when she told me that it was very rewarding, I affirmed that often what is most rewarding is difficult.

I suspect that what happened here is that not only did I get these women who selected me to talk about themselves, but I responded with emotional interest to what they told me.

Gnome-
Please forgive my ignorance, but....
what exactly is "speed dating"? Is this something you do in person? or on-line?

I hate to be the only one in the dark here.

Karona