To say that her husband is being selfish is too extreme, what her husband is asking for is an enviroment for which he can heal in. If I'm not mistaken dr.harley has said that it is not selfish of the betrayed husband or wife to ask for what her husband is asking for.

It would be nice to keep debates based on "our" situations off this thread---faith has asked for MB-based advice, and wanted to know what questions needed to be answered.

That's my nice way of telling you all to "shut up".

And that is why I took it to another thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Faith, I feel for you from the bottom of my heart. As a mother I feel your pain. As you know and I hope you are reading everything on this site. There are many reasons why people have A. Not saying it was the BS's fault or put blame on people. But PEOPLE make a M and PEOPLE distroy M's. Your H has made his request on what it would take to help your M. But was this something that you BOTH can live with and agree upon? Something to look at:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

I think an agreement is a JOINT thing that BOTH can live with. I hate to say requesting and you aggreeing to give this child up and allowing you to have C w/OP will only bring your M more heartache.
You need to be honest with your H on your feelings and if you can't live with your actions of giving up this child and him not being able to forgive and work on the M with the child, then it will also be hard for you, but you need to tell him what you can't and can do.
I hope you are in some kind of IC or MC. This is truely one of the hardest things in life I've had to go though and would say w/o the counceling, I would have gone crazy by
now.
Sunny D

I feel you should go get your baby and let your H make a choice. Maybe if you leave then he will realize what he can and can't live with. Tell him you love him but this child is a part of you and you are now a package deal. If you love something set it free if it comes back then its yours if not then move on. But remember this mess is all of your doing. What ever happens between you and H you will deserve. You chose to cheat and have a baby by another man. To me that alone says you made the choice to end your M when you decided to keep baby. If you truely thought you could just walk away then you would have had an abortion. But if you are giving baby up only to hold on to a M that you didn't cherish enough in the first place then you will come to resent H for making you do something you didn't want to. Hence the M will end anyway then your without H and possible child. You chose to have baby so have the baby. Im not trying to sound harsh but to me you made all these choices already. Stop making this all about you. Let your H make the choice he deserves of what he can and can't deal with. If he walks then you will survive anyway because you will have the love of your child which will be pure and true. You have already screwed up your M don't double your pain by screwing up with the child you chose to have. And I to get the feeling you are already going down the road of continuing A when you stated OM understood how you felt. Does anyone understand how your H feels? Or is it all about you again?

I think to go and get that baby will be a horrible mistake IF YOU WANT YOUR MARRIAGE.

Right now your husband probably equates the baby w/om.To go and get the baby will be a selfish decision IF YOU WANT YOUR MARRIAGE. Your H may well see you choosing om over him at this point.

You have a 2 year old who knows who mommy and daddy are now! The baby knows nothing, yet.

Get on w/addressing your husbands wishes, follow K's advice and JL's advice, FOR NOW.

Things may turn around for you really sooner than you thought.

You have some very personal decisions to make. I feel for you. I'm sure you'll follow your heart. I'll pray for your peace.

Do what you want in your heart. If it's your husband and child together you really long for, and you follow advice given on what to do about having that happen, you'll be ok and your baby will too.

Debi