If this were my wife talking and not me, would you be bashing me and saying I was bad?

A little background:

I asked for help on seperation, and I got the help I was looking for. I should have gone with my gut instinct and never left the house. Well, today I moved back in. My wife was very mad. Here's 2 links to 2 seperate threads asking the same questions.
how do you seperate #1

how do you seperate #2

Now on to the situation:

My wife is in the middle of an affair. We both neglected each other leading to the affair. It wasn't bad neglect, but obviously enough. She tells people she wasn't happy and that I pushed her away. She only tells people she is leaving me, she doesn't tell them about her affair. Most of the people are people she works with and the guy she's having affair with works with her too. However, she is security and he is sales and if the affair was found out they'd both be fired. I never utter a bad word about her because I love her and want to work things out. she however bad mouths me and wants the whole situation to fall on my shoulders. So now all of her friends think badly of me, think I'm mentally abusing and that I manipulate her.

granted in the past few weeks I've said stuff out of anger that I wish I never said, I have never and would have never said. these are isolated events and have only happened three times in out entire marriage, but that's what she bases eveything on. Me being bad to her. I told her today that I drew out a timeline of our marriage and averaged it out. We have been happy together 95% of our marriage. She said that's only what I think, but I explained to her that I really do know. When she gets upset or stress she get bad acne, she had it bad when I met her and it went away almost immediately. It has come and gone through moves and fights, and always gone away. Of course there are other things, sex and talking, but I pretty much know when things were going right and when they weren't and we've always worked on it. She's now trying to tell me she was never happy, but she know and I know that's not the case.

So what I'm getting at, is that if my wife came on here and explained to you the I neglected her and she was having an affair would you support her actions like her friends are? Or would she get the same advice I keep hearing. End the affair and try to work on your marriage.

this is very hard for me, because I know your friends and family always support your action because they feel you can't do wrong. I know I didn't give my wife eveything she needs, but I don't feel I pushed her into an affair like she says I did. I have never been abusive and I always respect women, that's how I was raised, and I would certainly never strike a woman under any condition.

Any abuse that she has recieved from me was after I found out about the affair and after she promised it was over and I found out it continued. But it was all in the heat of the moment because I didn't step away and think about things first. plus I hadn't had any sleep of any type in weeks. She also is mad because she found out I was spying on her emails and the computer. SSo now her boyfriend bought her a laptop to use.

My goodness, what an easy question. They all act the same. To justify their cheating, they have to make the BS the bad guy. This is just the way it goes - don't take it personally.

Your next move is to expose them at work, and let them lose their jobs.

You really think I should? My parents begged me not to do that because they believe that will only make the situation worse.

I would like some more opinions on this.

Also that puts me in a bad spot because we will have no more income from her.

How bad?

Bad enough that we'd have to probably sell things. We wouldn't lose the house at all cost. We'd be very monetarily unstable. Which would probably add to problems because he's rich.

Losing her job is probably for the best. She has already compromised her integrity and if she is in any type of security that s/b prime.

OM s/b outted as well. He has also proved he is not t/b trusted.

A's have a way of making good people bad. Then it spreads to other parts of their lives. NO one is exempt when that happens.

If the worse that happens is she loses her job and finds a lessor paying one, then I'd say she did pretty good.

L.

Well...guess you need to make a choice - your marriage or your things.

I know of course that it isn't that easy. IMO I'd rather be broke and happy than comfortable and miserable. I keep looking back on my life, I suppose as BS's are want to do, and I've realized that I've been happiest in my life when I didn't have all the bills and the money. Odd how that's worked out, but there it is.

I don't know if this has helped you or not. It's just my viewpoint so take it for what it's worth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm sorry you guys are in this sitch, it sucks and that one I do know for sure. Take care.

I'm not good with the acronyms, so could you explain a bit further?
s/b prime; OM; pretty sure t/b(to be)

s/b- should be, OM - other man.

If you want to stay married, expose the affair. That is what breaks it up.

Check out Gramn and foundareason's posts.

So your saying expose it to work? I've already exposed it to everybody except his wife, and I don't know how to get a hold of his wife. Like I said before all I have is a liscence plate.

I still haven't heard whether to expose it to the mother in law yet. I'm so confused, I usually know exactly what to do. ARRRRR

We would see right through her in a second, navyman. We know bullshi*. We would tell her to dump the sleazebag and knock it off.

I would suggest you make a list of any friends who could be influential, [avoid the dumb ones] family and any other key exposures. The first one MUST BE his wife and/or family.

Try exposing there first, and see if that ends the affair. If taht doesn't do it, then you can expose at work. But don't expose at work yet.

Can you access her laptop to get some spyware on there?

Yes, expose it to your MIL and FIL ASAP. She is a key exposure. Hold off on work. Get to work and find out who the OMW is. You have to get a hold of her.

I've already talked to all her friends, she won't listen to them, or my mother or father. She just told me, the only person she listens to is some girl at work who won't let herself be exposed and she tells my wife she should do what's best for her and the children. Which means she's telling her to leave and take the kids and that's what's best for her. I don't know who the girl is and I saw her number on a card in my wifes purse that siad right on it "don't give this number out!!!!!"

My wifes real dad just died, and I've been talking to her about that as well. I found myself very close with her dad, and I know he would have helped.

I have no way to get access to her new laptop OM gave it to her and she's already password protected it. At this point I'm not sure I want to know anymore dirty details anyway, it really hurts to see them talking dirty to each other.

Like I said before, I don't know how to get a hold of his wife. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I doubt there work would be able to give me any info, that would be privacy act info.

navyman, do you have his phone #? Anything? You said you had his license plate #. Maybe there is some way to track his address and phone # through that. Even if you have to hire a P.I., you must find his wife.

And I would tell your MIL. NOW. Tell her your W is having an affair and ask for her support in saving your family.

I would go ahead and expose her anyway. hey im filing for bankruptcy because of the mess my Wh created and as far as supporting a ws only if they are ending the affair and trying to put there marriages back together.

Excuse me for a moment navyredman. I want to ask Melody why she doesn't suggest exposing at work. (She is much smarter on this stuff than me).

It seems to me that wife and OM can never work together again, if navy is to recover his marriage. So one would have to quit. If OW is not exposed, it will probably not be him. It will have to be navy's wife. So why not expose them both, and hope it will end the affair?

I have a cell phone and a liscence plate number I tried to get info from his cell but it's not listed. I guess I should talk to a P.I. but I have no money. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

did you try to use reversephonedirectory.com to track the telephone number? Does your WW go to his house? If I am correct they work together? You might be able to find out where he lives from a co-worker?

Don't stop thinking...
Danielle