never use the word affair...three sentences in to this..and usually not at all..he will shut down and go in to petty powerstruggling denial...

here's a good one.....
with a link to suggested revisions...

WW,

I'm sorry you have to be reading this right now, I am also very sorry that I have to be writing it.

I want to sincerely apologize for any pain I may have caused by not making you feel appreciated or special. I will regret that for the rest of my life. I have been, and will continue to work on the things about myself that made our marriage an unhappy place for you.

It is with a heavy heart that I write the next few lines. While I am willing to do anything and everything to save our marriage and prove my love for you, I can not stand by and watch while everything that was once important to us both is destroyed.

I still want to love you. You have chosen to continue your affair. I have chosen to allow our life together to continue to this point, because I wanted to show you that I still love you and our marriage can be saved. I think I have said and done everything I can.

At this point in my life I have to remove myself from this triangle. Until you can put an end to your relationship with OM and commit to working on our relationship, I think any more contact with you would be harmful to me.

The kids and I will stay here, and you are welcome to come and be with them any time you want. It's just that I will not be here when you do. I have asked ___ to act as a go-between to make any arrangements that need to be made.

Please understand that I still love you very much. I just cannot continue to support your current behavior. If you decide that you want to come back and you can put an end to your relationship with OM, I will welcome you home with open arms. I will not allow myself to subjected to such pain anymore. I must do this to preserve the love I feel for the mother of my children, and my first and only love.

here's the link...:)
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2772999

travelenman wrote a really good plan b letter as well....

ark

Thanks, Ark!!!

I do think I need to make it a lot shorter. This is a good option.

I don't really like the "you can come visit the kids any old time you like"... he'd use that as an invitation to pop in whenever. I think I'll have to set up regular visitations and if he wants to see the kids more, then to communicate that through his sister.

Hey! I like that plan B letter a LOT!!! Oh wait... That's mine. Well, ark^^ wrote most of it anyway. I agree about the "You can come visit the kids any old time you like" part. I rewrote it to read: "You can call to set a time when you want to see them..." or something along those lines.

Dear WH,

I'm sorry you have to be reading this right now, I am also very sorry that I have to be writing it.

I want to sincerely apologize for any pain I may have caused by not making you feel appreciated or special. I will regret that for the rest of my life. I have been and will continue to work on the things about myself that made our marriage an unhappy place for you.

In February you said that you needed 2-3 months to decide whether or not you wanted to recommit to our marriage. Now six months have passed and you still have not made that decision. I have tolerated your indecision for so long because I wanted to show you that I still love you and our marriage can be saved. I think I have said and done everything I can. You still have not severed contact with OW or committed yourself to working together with me on our marriage. Living with this uncertainty is tortuous for me and for our children. I find my love for you dying. In order to preserve the love I still have for you and to stop this continued pain from overwhelming me, I can have no contact with you in anyway: no visits with you, telephone conversations, email, mail, or even seeing you. This is not a punishment; this is to protect the love that I still have for you and to give me a chance to heal from the wounds that your rejection of me and our marriage has inflicted on me. I can not heal in an environment where I feel I am treated with disrespect and my feelings flagrantly disregarded. This space will make it possible for me to wait until you sever contact with OW and are ready to work out a plan to recover our marriage that is mutually agreeable.

If you must contact me for legal or financial matters, I ask that you do this through our lawyer. I expect our current financial arrangements to remain the same. You can come and stay with the children every second weekend from Friday 6 PM until Sunday 6 PM and on Wednesday evenings from 5 PM until 7:30 PM: I will not be here. If changes or additional visitations are desired, I ask that you set a time and date in advance through your sister who has agreed to be an intermediary. I shall do the same.

WH, I have the greatest of confidence that we could build a wonderful marriage if we both committed to making it happen. I have learned so much these last few months and would like nothing better than to share it with you. Should there come a time when you feel you could commit wholly to building a new foundation with me, this is something that I would like to discuss with you. I hope that you will think hard on this and choose this commitment. If you do, I would welcome a discussion with you about it. Until then, I ask that you respect my wish for no contact with you and give me a chance to heal in an environment that is safe for me.

I miss my best friend. I miss my life partner, my husband, the father of my children, my first and only true love. There is no one with whom I would rather spend my life.

In another thread, believer said that I still need to shorten my PBL and add plans for the care of MIL.

So here goes, comments and criticism welcome:


Dear WH,

I'm sorry you have to be reading this right now, I am also very sorry that I have to be writing it.

I want to sincerely apologize for any pain I may have caused by not making you feel appreciated or special. I will regret that for the rest of my life. I have been and will continue to work on the things about myself that made our marriage an unhappy place for you.

I have waited for 6 months for you to decide whether or not you will recommit to our marriage. During that time I have done my best to show you that I still love you and our marriage can be saved. You still have not severed contact with OW or committed yourself to working together with me on our marriage. I can no longer live with your indecision. I find my love for you dying. In order to preserve the love I still have for you, I can have no contact with you in anyway: no visits with you, telephone conversations, email, mail, or even see you. This is not a punishment; this is to protect the love that I still have for you and to give me a chance to heal from the wounds that your rejection of me and our marriage has inflicted. I can not heal in an environment where I feel I am treated with disrespect. This space will make it possible for me to wait until you sever contact with OW and are ready to work out a plan to recover our marriage that is mutually agreeable.

If you must contact me for legal or financial matters, I ask that you do this through our lawyer. I expect our current financial arrangements to remain the same. You will have Sophie every second weekend from Friday 6 PM until Sunday 6 PM and on Wednesday evenings from 5 PM until 8 PM. If changes or additional visitations are desired, I ask that you communicate these through Helene. I shall do the same. I shall continue to include your mother in family dinners on weekday evenings, except Wednesdays, but will pull back from all other caretaking responsibilities.

WH, I have the greatest of confidence that we could build a wonderful marriage if we both committed to making it happen. I hope that you will think hard on this and choose this commitment. If you do, I would welcome a discussion with you about it. Until then, I ask that you respect my wish for no contact with you and give me a chance to heal in an environment that is safe for me.

I miss my best friend. I miss my life partner, my husband, the father of my children, my first and only true love. There is no one with whom I would rather spend my life.

I would delete the first half of paragraph 3. It is too long, and he already knows that his contact with the OW is causing problems.

believer,

WH says that the A is over and the OW is not the problem. He's perfectly fine continuing an EA with her and does not understand why I should have a problem with that as long as they don't sleep together! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Here's another cut:

Dear WH,

I'm sorry you have to be reading this right now, I am also very sorry that I have to be writing it.

I want to sincerely apologize for any pain I may have caused by not making you feel appreciated or special. I will regret that for the rest of my life. I have been and will continue to work on the things about myself that made our marriage an unhappy place for you.

I have waited for 6 months for you to sever contact with OW and decide whether or not you will recommit to our marriage. During that time I have done my best to show you that I still love you and our marriage can be saved. I can no longer live with your indecision. I find my love for you dying. In order to preserve the love I still have for you, I can have no contact with you in anyway: no visits with you, telephone conversations, email, mail, or even see you. This is not a punishment; this is to protect the love that I still have for you and to give me a chance to heal from the wounds that your rejection of me and our marriage has inflicted. I can not heal in an environment where I feel I am treated with disrespect. Distance will make it possible for me to wait until you are ready to work out a plan to recover our marriage that is mutually agreeable.

If you must contact me for legal or financial matters, I ask that you do this through our lawyer. I expect our current financial arrangements to remain the same. You will have Sophie every second weekend from Friday 6 PM until Sunday 6 PM and on Wednesday evenings from 5 PM until 8 PM. If changes or additional visitations are desired, I ask that you communicate these through Helene. I shall do the same. I shall continue to include your mother in family dinners on weekday evenings, except Wednesdays, but will pull back from all other caretaking responsibilities.

WH, I have the greatest of confidence that we could build a wonderful marriage if we both committed to making it happen. I hope that you will think hard on this and choose this commitment. If you do, I would welcome a discussion with you about it. Until then, I ask that you respect my wish for no contact with you and give me a chance to heal in an environment that is safe for me.

I miss my best friend. I miss my life partner, my husband, the father of my children, my first and only true love. There is no one with whom I would rather spend my life.

Delete/change the bold stuff.

“Dear WH,

I'm sorry you have to be reading this right now, I am also very sorry that I have to be writing it.

I want to sincerely apologize for any pain I may have caused by not making you feel appreciated or special. I will regret that for the rest of my life. (Just delete it.) I have been and will continue to work on the things about myself that made our marriage an unhappy place for you.
(Put more in here about the good in the marriage. Why you got married, what you like(d) about it & him.)
I have waited for 6 months for you to decide whether or not you will recommit to our marriage.
(delete) During that time I have done my best to show you that I still love you and our marriage can be saved. You still have not severed contact with OW or committed yourself to working together with me on our marriage. I can no longer live with your indecision. I find my love for you dying. In order to preserve the love I still have for you, I can have no contact with you in anyway: no visits with you, telephone conversations, email, mail, or even see you. This is not a punishment; this is to protect the love that I still have for you and to give me a chance to heal from the wounds that your rejection of me and our marriage has inflicted. I can not heal in an environment where I feel I am treated with disrespect. This space will make it possible for me to wait until you sever contact with OW and are ready to work out a plan to recover our marriage that is mutually agreeable.

If you must contact me for legal or financial matters, I ask that you do this through our lawyer. I expect our current financial arrangements to remain the same. You will have Sophie every second weekend from Friday 6 PM until Sunday 6 PM and on Wednesday evenings from 5 PM until 8 PM. If changes or additional visitations are desired, I ask that you communicate these through Helene. I shall do the same. I shall continue to include your mother in family dinners on weekday evenings, except Wednesdays, but will pull back from all other caretaking responsibilities.

WH, I have the greatest of confidence that we could build a wonderful marriage if we both committed to making it happen. I hope that you will think hard on this and choose this commitment. If you do, I would welcome a discussion with you about it. Until then, I ask that you respect my wish for no contact with you and give me a chance to heal in an environment that is safe for me.

I miss my best friend. I miss my life partner, my husband, the father of my children, my first and only true love. There is no one with whom I would rather spend my life.”

You need to express the positive things more.
Most of what you do have is good.

Here is what I recommend.
6 paragraphs. Keep the idea of the paragraph distinct and separate from the others.

1 – I love you
2 – Positive points in relationship/marriage
3 – I apologize for (whatever you feel was wrong and valid points he has made).
4 – You affair hurts me
5 – No contact except, not a punishment. When you end the affair, we can then resume contact to discuss our future.
6 – I love you (positive outlook for marriage by taking into account each others feelings, etc)

I made some suggestions on your other thread...

Chris is pretty much the expert - I would go with his suggestions.