<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

WH just called, he's trying to negotiate the cell phone.

.... and are you in a negotiating mood?

I don't know if I am in a negotiating mood. What are his ideas? Are they any good?

WH says that it would be easy for OW to get in contact with him if she wanted to, she'd just have to ask someone. Or someone might say to her in passing, hey do you want Mr.Loy's cell phone number, he just changed it. So I asked WH, so a lot of people know you guys are close and that she would want it?

Also, he says that if people call him for jobs and they can't get ahold of him, they'll give the job to someone else. If the worst thing that happens to his theater career is that he misses a gig or two as a result of his affair with an actress, then I say he's doing pretty good. If it's so easy for OW to get his number without even trying, don't you think someone that really wanted to hire him could find him?

Perhaps he changes cell phone numbers with his father? That way, his dad can forward any real messages to his son. FIL knows everything and checks up on me everyday and has had some counseling training as a former pastor.

I asked him if T-Mobile can block incoming cell phone numbers. (I just looked into it after our talk and found out they can't).

What is he most afraid of, that he'll loose a job? That he'll have to go through all of this hassel for nothing - cause he's going to be in contact with her eventually?

I don't mind the compromise of switching cell phone numbers with his father and having WH's cell phone records available on line and the bill mailed to our home.

hmmmmmmmmmmm

... has there been a no contact letter sent?

Seems to me ... a wise choice would be to DEmotivate OW from calling or making an attempt at contacting your H.

What has been done in this area? Has your H been cooperative regarding this goal .... giving OW the clear and non-ambiguous message that she is to STAY AWAY !!!! ???

I don't know if a NC letter has been sent, because I never saw a NC letter. WH told me he broke up with her by letter, failing to add that they got back together for two weeks and then he sent her another letter. His cell phone records have been clean since May 27.



I know that about 2 weeks after cell communication ended she tried to attend an event that WH always goes to and he spotted her car and left. This tells me she is not demotivated to put herself in his path.



If he has not given the OW the non-ambiguous message to stay away, than the message is he will be with her when the time is right. All the OW has to do is wait...

I will never know what non-ambiguous message he has given her because his credibility is shot.

What non-ambiguous message can WH give me that the bridge with her has been burned?

If he apologized to everyone who suspected the A and put them in the uncomfortable position of not knowing what to do, that would mean something. If he also told them he was committed to saving our marriage and would like their support, that may put more distance between them and help me feel more comfortable in his profession.

Personally ... I would not tolerate this situation ... I would insist (and I did insist) that I was in the loop of making CERTAIN that OW was also CERTAIN her attentions were not welcome and would be rejected in full view of moi (the wife) .

What's missing in your situation (I think) is that OW has not seen & heard & experienced CLEARLY ... that you and your H are now a TEAM working in unison to rid the marriage of infidelity.

If OW KNOWS for a fact that "the wife" will be in on the loop of any contact ... and that YOU BOTH will call her together to tell her to cut it out ... she'll stop trying.

Accept nothing less.

How does a team work to rid the marriage of infidelity?
1. All contact with OW be handeled jointly
2. OWs attentions rejected in full view of me

At some point in time we have to go from being WH and BW to The Loys against the OW. He has spent the last two years trying to separate our lives. We have no family pictures up in our home (well we have one but the others were removed?).



Well said!

How do you let the OW know that "the wife" will be in the loop? There has been NC since May 27. Do you send another letter saying "hey we are a team now" or do you just wait for the OW to try?

First ... has your H committed to such a plan?

1. All contact with OW be handeled jointly
2. OWs attentions rejected in full view of me

Yes and yes.

He has agreed to the plan of:
1. All contact with OW be handeled jointly
2. OWs attentions rejected in full view of me

But, what does that mean? He has broken many agreements with me. Does he even remember his promises to me?

I think he's going to change his cell phone. 72 hours is up tomorrow at 1 p.m. I asked him, at what point does what I need matter? He made a noise like I had pulled out a trump card. He really doesn't want to change the number. It's been his number for 6 years. But I like that its a pain in his butt to change it, and I like it that the OW would have to go through some trouble to get it. And, if he gives it to her (pun) .... well, that's why I have the 6 month review.

In my last conversation I started sounding a little weak in that I mentioned doubting how I was handeling things. I didn't mean to say that, it just came out. Must gard against this... I am a rock now.

It is hard for me to tell him how it is, because he's reluctant to hear it. I haven't been sugar coating anything, but at the same time, I have tried not to slam him. He deserves it, yes, but he won't be able to hear me as well if I slam him.

I feel that he doesn't "get it" but I think I may actually need nouns and verbs to describe what "get it" is.

It means YOU agree to give him a chance to live up to his end of the bargain.

It also means you verify.

"team"
"plan"
"cooperation"
"win-win"

use these

I want my WH to be absolutely certain where I stand, and the consequences involved, so I am considering either a letter or a list to hand to him to review after the 72 hours is up. Maybe this is a bad idea, but for anyone who has been gas-lighted, well, a letter gives that extra assurance. Don't know if I'm too rough or gentle. Ideas?

Dear WH:
Thank you the other night for opening up to me. It reminded me so much of what I have been prohibited to share with you. I realized how much I've missed you. How much I loved you.

I feel you came back home in March under false pretences and the continued the trail of deceit has left me feeling, once again, cut out of your life. I am thankful that you have maintained NC since May 27, but I need more to feel that this time is different.

Considering that at least one definition of love is that the security and well-being of your partner is as significant to you as your own security and well-being; this is what I need to begin to rebuild safety, trust, and security in our marriage:

1. Changing your cell phone number and provide me with access to your records
2. Complete openness about your time and whereabouts
3. Register and attend a Mankind Project weekend and subsequent follow-up meetings or Wild At Heart Boot Camp and participate in follow up meetings.
4. All contact with OW is handled jointly, together as a team. All of her attention is rejected in full view of me. If it is discovered at any time that contact with OW is not handled jointly, you must leave the house.

I am not able to commit to an abusive and negligent relationship. All I can do right now is give our marriage another 6 months and review the situation then. If you cannot commit to this, I understand. It is your decision to stay or go. Regardless of what happens, I know that in six months I will be free from participating in a triangle.

Maybe I should incorporate team, win-win, plan, and cooperation. Maybe my letter should be more, vision building?

No, this is about what I need. This is not about compromize. I've been compromized enough.

You did incorporate "team" ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

OK:

WH said he'd agree to my stipulations. We negotiated his cell phone, his number would become mine and he'd get a new business number and my message would say, "don't worry, we both check this voicemail" or something like that.

But now it's past the 72 hours I gave to WH to get a new cell phone and register for the Mankind Project retreat and he has not completed the tasks.

We have shared some good moments this weekend, he has opened up more, and shared interesting things. But big deal.

I told him Friday I would not nag him to complete the tasks. Did he forget?

I layed out what I needed and WH agreed, but then failed to pull through in 72 hours. Seriously, it's like he's testing me.

I drew a boundary and WH broke it. His lack of follow through, knowing what the consequences are is telling. WH may have thought the bigger issue was just agreeing with the demands.

A good way to tell WH that he failed to complete the mission and must leave the house until he achieves the before agreed to tasks?

I wrote earlier in this thread:


How firm was I with him about having another 72 hours to complete the tasks? Am I sabatoging my own efforts? I am sure I told him he had 72 hours on Friday?

This is sarcasm, isn't it?

YES ... sharing things is a VERY BIG DEAL !!!!!

Your H could be depressed ... it would not surprise me.