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Well, Here is what happened. I drove to NYC yesterday and told my WH that I knew he was having an affair and I wanted our marriage to work. He said nothing, seemed a bit moved, but that was it. Did not come home last night.
I wanted OW to know that he is married with kids, not separated or divorced, but married so I sent her an email. Well, I guess she sent it to WH because he sent me an email blasting me!!! He said he was thinking about what I said yesterday, but now he is not thinking about nothing! He is soooooo mad. This is so out of character for him.
Guess I blew it. Guess she won. I feel sad now. Did I do the wrong thing??? Stupid me...always messing up:(
Zorro94
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Oh you didn't mess up. YOu did the right thing. He is angry because you just interuppted his little fantasy. He is going to blame you for everything. He will tell you he can't trust you etc. anything to make himself feel better.
Someone with a lot more experience will be along shortly to give you much more advice I'm sure.
*poster formerly known as neverenough.
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Do you have a copy of what you wrote to OW?
Can you show us exactly what you said?
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I would rather not post it here, but I would be happy to email it to you if you think you can shed some light. I am sure I did the wrong thing, but I feel so backed into a corner. So Pep, if you want to see what I wrot I would be glad to send it to you.
Zorro94
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Duuno about more experience here, but I completely agree.
Of COURSE he was going to reconcile with you BEFORE you let the OW know that he was married and that you were aware of what's going on!!!
And of course her knowing that makes all the difference in him working things out with you, doesn't it?!?!?!
ROFL, sarcasm is now off. This is straight from the script. Even my wife said similar things to me...when her OM told her not to come because she was having doubts about what she should do, it was all MY fault! I ruined everything for her because she'd lost the love of her life! She'd never be happy again, and it was all because I wouldn't let go!! How totally evil of me!!
But, I'm a year into recovery. Things are going well, the wife is long since glad she stayed. She's happier now than she's been for a good while...and has completely turned around about how she feels about me now.
Don't take what he's saying personally, or as something you should hold close to your heart. He's simply lashing out at you for ruining his little paradise. Let him blow that steam off, and then start working to really end the affair and start plan A'ing him like crazy.
Hang in there...the first step is underway!
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Thanks Owl, I do take everything he says to heart.
So sad now...
But I have to keep telling myself I am not the one doing anything wrong here.
Zorro94
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No, that's OK.
Did you use profanity?
Did you call her names?
Were you simply factual?
Did you demand anything?
BTW ... Your H's reaction [color:"red"] ANGER[/color]is a typical WH cover-up for scared to death he's gotten caught with his pickle in the cookie jar. !!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't believe anything your H says for now. Which means also, do not bother to argue with him. He's got a severe case of alien-brainitis.
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Thank Pep!
The email was not demanding or confrontational at all. Simply said that the man she is having an A with is married and has three children. I focused my email on the kids saying they need their father and as long as she was in the picture that was not going to happen. It was polite and factual.
WH is never mad like this so I must have really struck a cord. Did I push him farther away??
Zorro94
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Pickle in the cookie jar <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
Zorro94
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Did I push him farther away?? NO ... you made a clear boundary .... and that's the one thing your WH does not want you to do ... make boundaries!!!! Be polite. Do not fight or argue. Reverse babble any nonsense he mutters. I love the pickle joke too .... even if I do say so myself! LOL
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What??? I made a boundary???????? I never thought I knew how to make a boundary and now I have made one!!! Yeah me!! I am the queen of just walk all over me, it's ok and now I have set a boundary!
I will not fight or argue with him. I feel so stupid sometimes. Like...what the heck am I doing. This man is clearly being disrespectful to me and our marriage and our family and I want him back.
I think my point to myself is that I do want him back right now. I do think my marriage can be saved. So I think it's time to sit back and chill for a while. I have done some pot stirring and it is boiling.
Remember we are supposed to be leaving Friday for Minnesota. Could be a very LONG drive if he is still mad!!!
Zorro94
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wow, he was MAD because you confronted him and his honey?? I can't believe he wasn't happy and ecstatic!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
C'mon, Lost. What did you expect? A medal? Of course he's mad. You are interfering in his affair. That is what you are supposed to do!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well of course I expected a medal! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Don't we all deserve one?!?!?!?
You are right ML...I disrupted his perfect little secret. Me, the poor wife who loves and adores and worships actually caused discomfort. This must be quite shocking for my WH.
Starting to feel better...thanks!
Zorro94
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Lost
I pass the baton of Queen of Boundaries-at-last to you!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
"Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people." - Spencer Johnson
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LOL
Pickle in the cookie jar.Excuse me whilst I S-L-A-M the lid down(ouchie!) so no more pickles are co-mingling with the cookies! That is funny. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
You did good Lost.Yes WS's always get mad after exposures but too bad.Now the information is out there and the OW can stew about it if she didn't know already.If she is the sort of OW that doesn't CARE that he is married with children,then you have to dig in and stick to your plan.Homewreckers like that never release their claws unless someone pries them off.Hopefully it will be your WH one day.
O
BW(me)40
DDay 10/11/03
Divorcing
'The Reformer'- enneagram type 1
~Let Higher Minds Prevail~
---------------
~Life isn't complicated,we make it that way~
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I don't know about being Queen, but I will take that baton!
Maybe I can hit WH over the head with it!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Zorro94
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Thanks O!
I can only hope that she will not be a heartless homewrecker, but then again it is up to my WH to do the right thing. He is the one married, not her!
Zorro94
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Lost,
""I disrupted his perfect little secret""
Your H's lies to the OW have been exposed!! I'm sure he told her he was seperated (or divorced..or single!)and that his marriage was a sham, a hollow shell, just staying together for the children...etc, ANYTHING to get her in bed!!
That's why he is so pissed...that he has been proven to be a lying cad to her..and hopefully she will not have anything to do with him anymore.
Sometimes the OW is as in the dark as the BS. (This could be discussed in depth on another thread, I bet.)
k
CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
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I think you are right K!
I wonder if something happened to me would OW want a man with three children??? Probably not!
Zorro94
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Thank Pep!
The email was not demanding or confrontational at all. Simply said that the man she is having an A with is married and has three children. I focused my email on the kids saying they need their father and as long as she was in the picture that was not going to happen. It was polite and factual.
WH is never mad like this so I must have really struck a cord. Did I push him farther away?? Your H's anger is part of his babbling. U do see this right? Why? Because if he isn't having an A, he shouldn't be angry, rather he s/b laughing hysterically because he has nothing to hide. The fact that he is angry and the fact that the OW was able to e-mail him should what you use to nail his WS behind to the wall. Give him back his anger. Let him know that now there is a trail of crap coming out of the back of his pants and it smells like an OW! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Don't let his anger throw you off the trail. He is angry because you have now exposed his A. All parties are now fully aware you all have contact. This is a huge step forward but not a clean step. Too much crap falling out of his pants and you stepped in some of it. Now don't wear it, wipe it off and give him back the dirty rag. Practice reverse babble. When he lashes out at you, don't rise with it, rise above it. Look him square in the eye or respond via e-mail (just be careful cuz it c/b used against you - Ws' send stuff to their OWs to have convos), but inform him that you are not falling for his fako anger scene. You know what his anger is really based on and it is not as he is projecting so you are NOT going to receive it. ok? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> take care, L.
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