For the last couple of weeks, I've been trying to maintin and recover some part of me. My husband chose me and we've been moving slowly. The OW has tried many times to contact him. She calls his friends and has exposed to at least one of them and who knows how many more. He tells me when she calls on his cell and he hsan't picked up. She called his boat several times while he was fishing and he turned off the phone.
Well today I was checking the computer and found he has another email. And yes he has been emailing her. The only benefit from it is that he has told her repeatedly that he chooses me and he wants her to move on with her life and he will do the same. She apparently wants "closure". She wants to talk to him in person. He is refusing her and saying that he will not do anything else behind my back (except for that email).
I have not confronted him about it, because I can truly see what's going on and I can keep tabs on him. Of course I was devastated again today to see this, but now I know he is still lying even if it's to tell her to buzz off. I want to monitor this to see what happens. If I tell him I know, I lose my source. Any advice on this? I exposed the A 6/26/05.

Wow. This is a toughie. ^Bump^ for someone more experienced!

(With that said, I do suggest that you go easy on the guy. Can't say that I would agree he's crossed the line.)

Stop right there...............and GO BACK TO START.

No rationalizations please. There are NO EXCEPTS with this kind of situation. NONE.

He is NOT ON board with the recovery plan, so step back, take a day to think it over, get advice from the gurus here, and then START OVER with him.

The clock has been RESET.

Sour....... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I understand. I knew that was the case, but I don't want to tell him I know about this email address until I see what is going on and how far this is going. Right now it is my only source. Anything else I can do without revealing?

MIchele, ***if it was me*** I would lay low for a little while (few days) longer to gather more evidence. Others may disagree that you need to re-expose this to stave off the obviously remerging affair (can't disagree with that either)

I think you need to be prepared for what you find. This kind of "alterante email", etc.. is usually never ever good and usually is significant of other means of contact.

Just my .02, take it or leave it.

Michele - You have been doing so well. But this new contact is a huge threat to your marriage.

Your husband needs to have no contact with the OW. That means no contact, no email, no closure, no talking, no nothing.

Please talk to your husband and let him know that if he wants any hope of the marriage being saved, he needs to have NC.

Yes I see that. I'v checked his phone and phone bills online. He doesn't know that I can still get into those. I did not see anything there this whole time. But it comes out monthly with the details of the phone numbers. So I will have to wait to see more. She did give him another number where she can be reached and her pager, neither appear on his phone outgoing calls...so far. I think my best bet is to wait and see. I will have to brace myself when I see more. But I want to know.

I'll check back tomorrow for any other words of wisdom. It's getting late. Thanks so much for your responses. I will sleep on them.

Michele,

I agree with LM. If you can hold off while gathering info you may find out the e-mails are an EA for him. Maybe or maybe not. Can't tell by what was posted.

Either the OW is tone deaf and blind or he is trying t/b subtle and playing you for a fool.

So what to do? Test it out. Let him know that something is bothering you but you can't put a finger on it. Ask him if he knows why you don't feel 'safe' around him. A bitto' reverse babbling to put some feelers out there w/o blowing your cover.

JMHO,
L.

Michele, I think you are doing the right thing for now. I would continue to lay low and see what happens. Hopefully, she will give up and go away.

The next time she calls, though, I would suggest getting a restraining order against her. She is clearly harrassing you both. Maybe a visit frm the police would help shut her up. Her gall is breathtaking.

Orchid and Melody,
I can hold off. I keep telling him that I wish she would stop calling so we can move on and not worry about her. He keeps telling me that she will give up eventually.

Her emails are mind blowing. She trivializes our 18 years of marriage and claims that her opinions and her rights are more important than mine. She even goes as far as to call him whimpy. WH responded that if he's being whimpy so be it, he is not leaving me. It is good to see him say things like this, but hard to know it's behind my back. I will wait and see what happens in the next couple of days, especially the weekend. Our anniv is Mon. Thanks so much for that wonderful wisdom. You're great.

Michele, you have very good instincts about this and are doing a good job. The only thing I would press is the RO if she doesn't stop. And I mean REAL SOON. It doesn't look to me like she is going away and I would tell your H that you cannot possibly recover until she goes away. Tell him the daily hell you are enduring because of this. And most of all, tell him what a great guy he is for withstanding her calls!

I didn't really want to go so far as a RO. They belong to the same fishing club of which he is the president this year. I guess she would have a right to be there, she has paid for it. I don't believe that she will go, but she has the right. I plan on going to the meetings just in case. That might get sticky if the police had to show up.

I know you'll say that's not good. I think they will eventually see eachother on occasion at these types of things. Even all the fishing shows this winter when WH is a speaker and OW too. They both do that kind of thing. Their paths will cross. I don't think WH will go for it because of this. I think I can handle this and I hope WH can "handle" this. But I told him that I will be going with him to these shows. I don't think that she will go over to him, if I'm there.

I just don't see him going for an RO. The situation would have to get extreme for him to consider.

Michele, you realize that being in the same club is going to be a huge problem that will prevent the recovery of your marriage, don't you? Harley recommends even moving to another state if necessary to avoid any contact EVER. That is how important it is. Any contact at all puts him back to Day 1 of recovery. He can't withdraw if he sees her. Your marriage cannot recover if there is ANY contact.

See, an affair is quite like an addiction. As you can see, your H and the OW are addicted to one another. The only way to recover is complete abstinence. [no contact] To think that they can stay in contact like this, via the club, is to believe it is ok to hand a recovering alcoholic a beer every once in a while [only when you are there, of course] and expect him to stay sober. He might be able to play that game of Russian Roulette for a while, but his luck will eventually run out. Recovery won't happen, Michele.

And more importantly, you won't recover. Every time they are in contact, puts you back to Day 1 of recovery.

I would rethink this fishing club thing, because it is just an invitation to disaster. You will die a death of a thousand cuts if you choose to live like this, because every contact will put you back to Day 1 of recovery. Keeping her in your lives will be a slow drip, drip, drip, drip....

Here is what Harley says about it:

Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through hell. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Good or bad, he is spending emotional energy communicating with this woman. While I can see the points to laying low for a day or two, I wouldn't for much longer. Bottom line is that he is secretly communicating with her. No matter what he's saying that is not a behavior that will build trust.

He may very well think that he can "get rid of her" by doing this. But, IMHO, the best way to do that is with everything out in the open and you two working as a team. He is doing independent behaviors and not being radically honest, two things that are vital for recovery.

So I question, what more evidence do you need and how are you going to expose?

Oh and on the Fishing Club, who cares. If she chooses to continue to harrass your family then do what it takes to stop that, if that's a RO then so be it.

Hi Michele,

Is it possible he is just trying to make this go away without upsetting the apple cart? I am sure he seems whimpy to OW because she is so emotionally freaked out, he is just walking on eggshells with his no so point blank get lost Emails.

Is it possible he does not want you to know about "please just leave us alone" e-mails for the same reason. Just doesn't want you upset.

I could see myself trying to defuse the sitch this way. The mind set being "this whole thing is my fault, and I need to fix it without hurting anyone further".

I agree on monitoring the communication. At least you can see what's being said. If you expose now, you end up wondering later without resources.

If she want to play the "I have a secret game with your H friends", don't forget you can play that game also with her C.O.!

Other than the email thing, how are you doing?

The fishing club thing will end basically this year. Membership is for a year. She doesn't live close by(an hour away). She only joined because WH and his friends asked her to. It's a big pain to come this far and cross the bridge tunnel in the evening. Matter of fact she rarely goes to the meetings because of this. I truly don't see her rejoining, but I guess we will see. And we'll have to make some decisions about.

Moving to another state is virtually impossible. Dental licenses aren't good in all other states. WH would have to pass the boards all over again, which is out of the question. At this age, some don't even pass them due to their own personal preferences of doing dentistry. And WH would have to give up his practice here which his father gave him and has recently cut back to 1 day a week so WH could get further ahead. In any case moving for us is out of the question. OW on the other hand is not from here and could relocate if we're lucky. She told my WH that she would leave him alone once she got her closure. I just read an email he wrote her and he said that he would not meet her. If she had anything to say she had to do it by email.

I know I can't count on her moving especailly if she's hung on him. That would be the last thing that she would do. So here I am. I truly understand the death by a thousand cuts. I first have to make sure that this is ended on his part. He is a stubborn man and if he is over her he will not continue this emailing for long. I am noting his impatience with her when he writes.

justkeeptrying,
thanks for asking. I find that I have tucked it all away somewhere inside. I can function and smile(sort of), but if I think about it long enough I break down. So I don't. I've been eating alright, and sleeping for the most part. I can keep a level head. The kids are good. I don't want to tuck it away, but I can't deal with it all the time. I think I learned this at a young age after I lost my mother. So I'm pretty natural at it. I haven't gone for IC, but I think I may have to.

And I think you're right about what WH is trying to do. He doesn't want to upset me further. I feel that. He's trying to get her to stop on his own.

LostHusband,
I see your point. I think this will end in a day or two if not today. His responses are shorter and more abrupt. He doesn't like her going around in circles.

I'm not sure how I will expose this yet. I guess I'm waiting for the last email he writes that will say that it's done, no more. Don't call anymore. I want to see if she does or not for a few days and then I will confront. I hope I don't have to hold my breath for long.