b0b,

I appreciate the 2x4 - that was one ugly pity party.

Ashley - I don't blame myself for everything really - I was just feeling sorry for myself. I've just got back from taking DD5 to school, and I've had a nice walk on a lovely morning - feeling much better!

So... Plan B, eh?

There's something radical I think I need to do first, but I don't think many people here will like it. To me, it's the only way to ensure an effective plan B. I have to let Omelette meet the kids.

*gasps of horror from audience*

Alph.

Alph, that's good to hear. Feeling sorry for urself is normal but don't let yrself wallow in it, 'k?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Why do you think you'd like Omelette to meet the kids?


~A

Omlette will meet the kids alright. And your kids will knwo that she is the person who most wants their father out of their lives.

I can't imagine them giving her an easy time, can you ?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

A young, hairy-armpitted Spanish expat with her her claws in a heavy drinking an dguilt ridden older man has to soak up righteous hatred from the children he made with another woman.

Boy, THAT will be fun for her ! ROFL !

Well,

WH is complaining to MIL that he doesn't see the kids enough. He's lied to DD12, telling her that I preventing him from seeing them more than once a week (I've always said he can see them as often as he likes - he just doesn't want to come around here and do it).

If I don't allow Omelette to meet the kids, and go into a dark plan B, WH will without a doubt initiate legal action to get more access. This is not something I really fancy dealing with when I'm in plan B.

So, how about next week when DD12 is away, I invite WH around in the evening. Instead of telling him I'm divorcing his worthless a$$, I'll tell him I am happy for the Omelette to meet the girls? Just on outings at first. Then after a few weeks, they can got around to WH and OW's flat - just to visit there, NOT for overnights?

I have no intention of allowing overnights unless we are divorced.

I think I have to make this concession. I really don't feel so bad about it any more - I would have a much more peaceful plan B if I didn't have to worry about this.

Alph.

What do the girls feel about meeting your H's OW? What opinions have they expressed?

If they say they don't want to meet her, what will you do?

Hi TA.

Both girls want to meet her. DD12 says she sounds nice because OW has boughts gifts for her. DD5 is just curious, I guess.

Neither seem to have any problem with it at all.

Alph.

Alphin you sound "normal" again....glad you are getting that Plan B is for you mainly.

I have 2 DDs of my own and OM wanted to meet them....but I didn't want him to meet them until I was divorced (even though I was fogged out I somehow managed to realise the children would not benefit from being introduced to someone else).....I now believe all he wanted was a ready made family....makes my blood boil now with my blinkers off.

I'd be very wary of letting them meet her. They may say they are ok with it but they are children...your children...and you don't even know this woman nor what she is like with children.

You could stipulate to your WH in your Plan B letter that they are not to meet with OW until you are divorced. He has to take them out by himself. You are trying to teach your children right from wrong and living with someone else whilst still married is not ok.

When I was 3 my father left for another woman (eventually fizzle out and he came home). He took me with him for the first weekend (unbeknownst to my mum who was frantic with worry). I have very strong recollections of that day...sadly it's one of my first memories. I was excited that someone was getting in the car and we were going off to the seaside (that's what my Dad told me). I was a very friendly child and loved people....I said hello and I can still see her face as she turned around in the front seat, looked at me then recoiled. She didn't say hello nor smile....she rejected me. Now of course it's years later (34 years later!) and I still would like to get that damn memory out of my head.

Do the right thing by the children...you are the only parent protecting them at the moment. I don't know what the right thing is in your situation but think long and hard about what is best.

I don't want them to meet her; it just seems inevitable now.


I don't know much about her - but she is a teacher. She has police clearance! LOL. I know they will be safe with her.

And their dad will always be there too. I just don't think there is much I can do about it if I am in plan B.

If I don't make this concession, and am out of contact with WH in Plan B, he won't accept the visitation he has at the moment. I know it. He has the right to introduce the kids to whomever he wants, anyway! At least if I give my consent, I still have some perceived power and dignity in the situation. And I will appear less of the b!tch that he now thinks I am.

As I say, this isn't something I want to happen. But I can't prevent it in the long term. The girls say they are ready. I feel I can handle it, too. There's nothing to be gained by delaying it any further, and this way, I can at least have a peaceful plan B.

Alph.

It sounds like you know your own mind <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

She may be a teacher but you still don't know how she will be around (your) children when not in her paid capacity. I don't for one minute think she will harm your children <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> (sorry, communication hiccup there). WH is telling lies to your DD12 about you stopping visitation do you think he will stop telling lies or saying nasty things about you around OW? DDs shouldn't be in the middle of that.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't just give in you need to lay down some FIRM rules if she is to meet DDs. No bitching about you, no lies (hard one!), no drinking, children are priority when there not OW...etc

This is very true. It may be they don't get on well at all (although this would, of course, be her fault and not my children's, who are little angels <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ).

If they don't get on, it's not good for the A - that's one positive. I also won't blame myself - as this is WH's situation and I am merely bowing reluctantly to the inevitable.

I am happy in the knowledge that the A is unlikely to last. I am also reassured that second marriages (should it occur between WH and Omelette) only have a 25% success rate. Marrying your A partner is even less likely to last. Adding children to the equasion - well, you get my drift.

I am not thrusting my children at the Omelette in order to break up the A. But WH thinks that OW meeting the kids will set the seal on their R. I think he's dead wrong - I think it can only do it harm.

Here's hoping, anyway.

Alph.

Alph,

make the decision you think is best for your children.

I'm glad you're moving towards Plan B. Have you posted a letter for the vets to take a look at?

Alphin,

I too am glad that you are giving plan B some thought. You will gain control again over the situation and your life.

It is difficult but it is FOR YOU!

Hi, Lost!

I posted in it my last thread. I'll put it up here a little later when there's more people about.

How are you today? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Hi, CC46.


Yes, I know that now. I think my problem is that my love bank is completely empty - that's why I want out of the marriage.

But, as everyone says, what's the point in not doing plan B? Especially if I get the issue with the kids sorted out.

Plan B looks better all the time.

Alph.

Alphin ~

You aren't even close emotionally to ready for a divorce. And the others are right on who said that you have not earned your divorce.

When you listed your reasons for why you think you have earned a divorce, you talked about all the things HE did that entitles you to a divorce.

Are you entitled to a divorce - yes, without a doubt. But you haven't earned it. Earning it is about what YOU have done to repair the damage you have done to the marriage and to change who you are as a person, along with who you are in a marriage.

I think that your husband has started to withdraw more than usual, and you're motivation to move to Plan D is an attempt to get his attention.

How do I know?

Because I've been there, done that.

My husband had been out of the house for about 5-6 months, when I decided that:

1. he was an alcoholic, so nothing was ever going to change
2. they were soulmates, so nothing was ever going to change
3. divorce was inevitable, so might as well get on with it

And boy was I ever wrong.

I was lucky. I went to see a lawyer who gave me all the papers I needed. 2 days later I became horribly disabled due to what the Drs think now was a blood clot in my leg (I had a heart condition that no one knew about which later led to a stroke). I was pregnant, and no Dr would treat me for the pain and nerve damage.

So - while I was coping with all that, i had to put my divorce on hold.

Alphin, that time FORCED me to focus on me. I was so damn stubborn and determined to get in control of the situation. But with my pregnancy and my agony from my leg, I had NO CHOICE but to ignore what my husband was doing, and had to completely put what energy I had into caring for myself.

You see Alphin, my husband's affair had only been truely exposed about 2 months. Total affair time 9 months. He was still hot and heavy with his soulmate. He'd have given me that divorce if I had filed.

And IF he'd have given me that divorce - my family would have been destroyed, and I would have never found and changed many ugly things about myself.

As long as you keep up the "He's the jerk, I deserve the divorce" mentality, you deny YOURSELF an opportunity of true growth and change that will change who you are.

I say you if you truely think your husband is an alcoholic, get to Al-Anon. Focus on what it is about you that keeps you attracted to an unhealthy person.

But forget about the fact that he IS an alcoholic right now because if you keep focusing on what is wrong with him and leaping to assumptions and judgements - your marriage won't have a chance.

As another poster said, What is the rush here?

Use this time to prepare yourself to be a great wife in this marriage, or the next! Either way, its not time to move on.

Oh and one more thing. Don't you dare let your children meet the OW because it is "inevitable". If you do so, you can never take it back. You can not know if it is inevitable and it is your job to protect them - even if they don't "seem" to be upset about it.

Get your legal ducks in a row, see an attorney and figure out what you can do to protect them while you are separated.

And Alphin, my husband was out of the house 18 months before he pulled his head out of his you-know-what.

If he had not seen the changes in me...he never would have come home.

I hadn't thought of it that way - you could well be right!


He is a jerk. But I won't be divorcing him today. I know there are many things I need to change about myself. Particularly my independant behaviour (SH pointed this out to me). He also told me that WH was incapable of sustaining a relationship.


I wish I could prevent it, but I can't. Atty said I have no grounds, and WH has the right to introduce the kids to whomever he chooses. As OW is a teacher, I don't think I have much chance of slapping a restraining order on her. And I don't think of the introduction as something I am doing to the girls, it's something WH is doing to them. If I am in plan B, and out of contact, he will simply introduce them, end of story. At least if I have some input I can graduate the process and make it as stress-free as possible.

BTW, BR, thanks very much for telling me your story. You have given me hope!

Alph.

Just curious Alph, what did SH mean by yr "independant behaviour"?
~A

Alph

I don;t know if I ever told you about my wonderful children.

Last summer when Squid would spend every possible weekend at karate events with OM, my kids conspired between them and they talked to me when we were walking the dog over the park.

" Why does mommy like karate more than us , daddy?"

I don;t know darling, whay not ask her if thats true?

So they did !

Squid was SAVAGED by these loving kids. She accused me of putting them up to it but I didn't.

" We want you to spend time with us like daddy does, not go to stinking karate" etc.

Now Squid replied spitefully " You'll get over it" and stormed out.

But recently she told me the kids words were knives in her heart. Her abandonment of THEM is worse to her than her betrayal of ME.

Now make sure your kids know the truth about OW and WH. That OW wants mommy and daddy to split up even though mommy doesn;t want that at all. That OW wants daddy and would like daddys children to like her so that she can keep our family apart from the family even longer.

That OW wants to replace mommy in their lives wheil mommy is working EVER SO HARD to keep the family together again.

Its all factual, portrayed in your words. If you don't lie, WH and OW have to lie in response and kids can smell that a mile away.

Tell your kids the truth and do not fear day only contact with OW.

I write that last sentence with difficulty Alph...because I don't really believe the 'don't fear contact ' bit.

I would have killed OM before he looked after my children once.

Yep, I agree Bob ~ Alphin, what do your children know about the OW?

Do they know she is the reason their father has moved out?

Your children don't deserve to be used as pawns in a power struggle between you and your husband, and they certainly don't need to know the dirty details and to be burdened with adult 'stuff'.

But they do deserve to be told the truth - and I suspect if they knew, they would not be so "ok" with meeting OW.

And as for SH saying that your husband is incapable of maintaining a relationship - it may be true. If so, the affair doesn't have a chance in hell.

As for you, it doesn't matter if he is capable or NOT. It just a interesting bit of information. Take the focus off of him and what he is doing, and do a Plan Alphin.

I'd also seek a second opinion about legalities. If you really wanted to Plan B, I think you could probably figure it out. Be creative.

Hi Alph - I haven't caught up to ALL the posts in your threads while I have been away, but I skimmed through and I think I know generally what's been going on.

Two items:

1. exposure - what's up with the school and local Catholic officials? No feedback at all? Do some third party "complaints" need to be made? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

2. Plan B and filing for divorce - It's not either/or. You have nothing to lose by going to Plan B and if you do, this doesn't prevent you from filing for divorce in parallel if you want to - just don't make promises in the Plan B letter and then contradict them by filing. Don't file unless you really want a divorce.

WAT

Note to Pep: Seen near Zion Nat'l Park, Utah; Thunderbird Restaurant - "Home of the Ho-Made Pies." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />