Boundaries Alphin.....boundaries!

I don't know how things are in the U.K., but where I am (California) there is nothing that can be done legally to prevent a WS from exposing their children to the OP, unless the WS and BS agree to a stipulation or the OP is a felon, proven drug abuser or sexual predator.

I got a 90-day no-contact with OP stipulation in my custody/visitation agreement only because my WH didn't know any better and agreed to it. Things might be different where you are, Alph?

*shudders at graphic mental image*


No, I'm still stuck in my 'Plan D' mindset. I have to shake it off, and get used to the idea that I'm not getting divorced yet. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

I really don't think there's much that can be done, Pebbles, but I'll try.

He has the right to introduce them to whomever he wishes.

I suppose 'sexual predator' refers to people who are dangerous to children, not women who destroy marriages? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Sadly, no. My lawyer said MOW would have to have a criminal history of sexual abuse of children. Nope, she's only after my husband (and got him). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

OK Alphin....let's ignore the legalities here in the UK for a minute coz none of us know!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

In your very frank discussion that I think you are still having with WH next week? There is nothing stopping you from laying down the Alphin Law....it is protecting your children and saying to him NO it is not alright that you are still married to me and want to expose the kids to OW.

He has not filed for divorce Alphin, he has not seen a solicitor (I believe?)....he is still your husband and until such time as he gets custody or visitation through legal means you have every right to expect to make JOINT decisions regarding the girls.

Tell him that YOU yourself will not introduce them to anyone else until you are divorced and expect the same.

Might jolt him a little and see things rationally for a few seconds....enough time to get an agreement.

Sorry for the mental image (hip)! But I'd say it to him if he wouldn't agree to her not being there. That woman has NO right being in your children's lives right now. NONE whatsoever.

Plan B....Plan B....Plan B...

I forget, it's only been 3 1/2 months. It seems like forever.

Probably seems even longer to WH. But that's his problem.

Unfortunately, my app with the solicitor is after the time I'd penciled WH in. I'll have to rub out WH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

SF, good advice.

Alph - perhaps I said this before to you. While I did not pursue a "no contact" clause between OM and my son in our legal separation (OM and son were already very well acquainted) I was successful in establishing a "no overnight guest" of the opposite sex until divorce clause. OM's W did this one better by successfully establishing a "no overnight guest" of the opposite sex until remarriage clause in their separation agreement.

WAT

OK, time to roll out the Plan B letter.

Dear WH,

The hardest thing I have ever done is write this letter.

I have told you before of how much I love you, and how I wish you had known that whilst we were together. I understand how you may have thought my love for you had died, although it never did. I have also told you how sorry I am that I made you unhappy in our marriage, and how I regret that we drifted apart. All I ever wanted was for us to be together, and for our girls and our family to be healthy and happy.

My deepest regret is that you think I have become a person you can no longer love or live with.

Now we are here, in this horrible situation. I can no longer continue with things the way that they are.

I must break all contact with you completely and indefinitely, for the sake of my own health and sanity, until you permanently end your affair with OW and decide to recommit to our marriage and your family. I will not see you in person, speak to you on the telephone, or receive email or text messages from you, under any circumstances at all except in the case of an emergency.

I have changed my mobile number. I have bought a telephone/answerphone with caller ID on it, and will not answer it if I think it is you calling, or if I do not recognise the number. My email address remains the same, but I will delete any messages from you without reading them.

Please note that I am not restricting your access to the children. You will still see them twice a week, as before, but you will have to take them out each time instead of seeing them here. You may phone them as you wish on DD12’s mobile, although it would be convenient if you would restrict the calls to the early evening as you have been doing up to now. I will make sure she leaves it on at those times. DD12, of course, can ring or text you whenever she wishes.

You will come to collect the girls at 5pm on Thursday, and return them at 7pm. On Sundays you will collect them at 1.30pm, and return them by 5.30pm. They will be waiting for you by the door when you arrive. When you drop them off, please make sure that they are inside safely and that they close the door behind them before you leave. I also ask that you arrive on time, and that you also drop them back promptly. I will ensure that DD12 carries her keys with her each time – should she forget her keys, please return the girls to the back yard instead (do not ring the front doorbell) and get them to knock on the door there. Please then leave immediately.

MIL has very kindly agreed to act as an intermediary between us. Should you need to contact me for anything other than a dire emergency, please do so through her.

If you need to contact my solicitor, these are her details:

***

I realise that you still have the legal right to enter the house if you wish to. I implore you not to do this. I have ample evidence from medical professionals, as well as anecdotal evidence from family and friends, that your affair with OW and my contact with you since has been severely damaging to my health and emotional well-being. If necessary I will present this evidence to my solicitor and instruct her to initiate court proceedings to prevent your access to the house. I would much prefer not to do this. Please respect my wishes, and return your keys in an envelope through the letterbox as soon as possible.

WH, all I ever wanted was for us to be happy together, and I am certain that if you gave us the chance we could have a happier and more loving relationship than ever before. You told me yourself on the day that you left that you wanted us all to be happy. This present situation, however, is making us all deeply unhappy, and is now beyond endurance for me. I cannot allow myself to be exposed to it any longer.

Please take good care of yourself.

Alphin

Please note that MIL has not yet agreed to be my intermediary. She may well not agree. If she doesn't I will simply use my solicitor.

Alph.

One piece of advice I was given for my PBL was that, since it was a love letter to my husband, to try and avoid details that would clutter that message. Perhaps you could put the specifics in an attached memo? Any other thoughts should come from the gurus. {{{Alphin}}}

OK,

I'll make it a love letter only, and attach the other stuff as a memo.

Thanks, 'neak!

Alph.

Here is a link to some examples of Plan B letters:

Spacecase's Thread with Plan B letters

I think you need to say something about how you think that you believe it is possible to have a better marriage than before all this...once the A has ended and you agree to never have any contact with -OW/tortilla- again.
I think you need to have a bit in there about the road map back to the marriage.

I wrote this on DaysGoneBy's thread...if you'll excuse the references to 'her' then it fits.




The mistake I see people make with PBL is they often aren't clear enough about spelling out the path back to the M, or defining where the gate is...what do you need to happen before you will even BEGIN to talk recovery with him? To have NC with OW and with proof? MC? What else do you need?

You're welcome. I think it was WAT who helped me take it apart line by line and suggest more specific corrections. He was the one who recommended that I simply name my intermediaries and handle the rest in another format. He's back from his very long vacation now, too.

Alphin,

From WAT's post: "exposure - what's up with the school and local Catholic officials? No feedback at all? Do some third party "complaints" need to be made?"

Sounds like WAT and I are all set to double team your H's school admin. Secularly and religously. Just say the word.

I also think you should keep your children away from omelette for as long as possible. Don't cave on any boundary. This requirement can go in your Plan B letter.

I will be away for the weekend. In the meantime, (((Alphin))).

With prayers,

This one's GREAT, strong Foundation!!!

Alphin, I do think you could Plan B and prevent your children from having contact with OW. You know, I am no vet, and very opinionated... somehow accepting that the kids have contact with her is akin to giving WH & OW dirty sleazy little f&*cks legitimacy as a real relationship. Talk to SH about this. I know he reinforced my stand of protecting my children from OW. They need to know that WHs current behavior is not normal and acceptable.

We've had a busy weekend.

DD12 set off to France this morning at 2.30am!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Fortunately, I managed to rope a friend into driving her to school where she would get the bus. Then, an overnight trip all the way down to the south coast, and through the Channel Tunnel at 11 this morning. I haven't heard anything from her - no TMs. I guess she's too excited to think about me, and that's very good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

DD5 had her dance class and sponsored dance on Saturday. She did very well, considering she's only been attending classes for a few weeks - I danced the 'Teddy Bear's Picnic' dance at the end (very badly - DD5 was most embarrassed by me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ).

WH came around to see the girls yesterday morning, as we would be busy getting DD12 ready for France in the afternoon. When they came back, I was outside in the back yard, sitting on the deck and reading. I'm probably imagining it, but it seemed to me he looked at me with real affection when he saw me. I don't understand it at all - he still seems to really like me, but doesn't seem to think he's done anything at all - except change addresses. This is what I find hardest - his complete lack of guilt, and his complete sense that he's done the right thing.

After he'd gone, we spent a few frantic hours gathering the rest of DD12's stuff together and trying to squash it into her suitcase. WH had given her a fistful of Euros to spend.

Direct debits are still bouncing out of the bank account. Credit card payments are up again from last month. How much longer can this go on?

Today was DD5's sports day. She came first in her heat, and second in the final. I came last in the mother's egg and spoon race, after some very dirty spoon sabotage at the beginning of the race. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I still got a 'winner's' sticker, though. DD5 was embarrassed by me, once again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Oh, and WH is coming around here Wednesday evening. I said I wanted to talk to him, he seemed pleased about that; I wonder what he wants to say to me?

I am not really looking forward to it.

Alph.

As every head teacher across the country says during Sports Day "It's not about the winning it's about taking part".....well done for being brave enough to enter the mother's race and the dance!!! Congrats to DD5 who you must be very proud of!

Do you know what you want to say to WH on Wednesday?

DD5 is a star. Her mother is a clown. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> But I don't mind. She just wants me to take part - it's worth making a fool of myself for her sake! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I still don't know exactly what I want to say to WH on Wednesday. I don't feel like I want the marriage any more. I feel I just want to tell him to proceed with the D, citing 'unreasonable behaviour'. I still refuse to divorce him.

Alph.