I have the reverse situation. WH showed a lot of guilt and remorse and knows the reveberating repercussions he has caused alot of people (not just me) but decided to choose the OW-way anyway!!!! Now, that's mind boggling. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

~A

Hi Ashley.

Yes, it is. I still find myself asking why several times a day. And there isn't an answer. It's just madness.

Time to remove myself from it.

Alph.

Alphin, I think your resignation is unwarranted. I think it is very clear that you have caused huge trouble in affair land and he is suffering the fallout. He didn't seem sure at all to me. He seemed to be whistling past the graveyard and reaching out to you to make it easier for him. I wouldn't get so concerned about his divorce talk. I would make him do all the work and STICK TO YOUR GUNS about keeping those girls away from the ho-bag. You don't want them to think you approve of this sleazy affair.

I do think you are probably close to Plan B, though. I am hearing some real weariness in your voice and that is usually a good sign. Before you go into Plan B, though, you will want to leave a good taste in mouth, so try and have some pleasant interactions before you go dark.

Just know that talk of divorce is meaningless and rarely means the end.

Thank you, ML. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am so pleased that I have kept the OW away from my kids, at least until the D (if it happens).

I have told him he has to do all the work for the D. I won't lift a finger. And he really does have to do it all as he can't afford an atty.

I am very, very pleased to finally hear some news about exposure! Especially delighted to hear that OW hates me because of the exposure to her parents. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Just knowing that brings a smile to my face on this blue day.

Alph.

Alphin, I don't think you did wrong. He needed to hear the results of his cr*ppy behavior to you and your kids. Poor WH doesn't have any money for a D, boo hoo. Sounds like he is living the results of his actions. {{{Alphin}}}

I am very, very pleased to finally hear some news about exposure! Especially delighted to hear that OW hates me because of the exposure to her parents.

How can she hate you for that ? Her love for WH is righteous, and your M was obviously over long before they shacked up.

LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ROFL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I bet her folks give her HELL ! HAH !

Can you imagine the mood in their house since you exposed ?

LOL !<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Sorry...I am a bit of a fan of exposure bursting fantasy bubbles.

If you could be arsed a DARK plan B right now would be REALLY effective. REALLY.

You lock yourself out of WHs life to leave him to deal with the consequences of his choices. AH I bet OW is a REAL catch afer being hauled before the school head and her mom and dad on her [censored].

Yep. A dark Plan B would be wonderfuly timed right now for YOU and for maximum effect on the A.

IF you could be arsed of course... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Somehow, it's still all my fault... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />


That, coupled with the fact that WH is SKINT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> He actually said to me that he couldn't afford to get divorced! Wait a minute - three months ago, he said that divorce would solve all our problems! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Hey, perhaps I could lend him money to help him out, eh? ROFL!!!


Hmmm... I am seriously thinking about it. Though, will he believe that I love him after all the venom I spat at him last night?

I'd also have to wait until after the holidays - still have to set up more structured visitation etc.

But thinking about it...

Alph.

Actually Alph ... I think you ROCK!

You spoke your truth with passion and conviction and you did not avoid conflict. You might have been more respectful, but under the circumstances, I think you did better than I could have done!

Pep,

Thank you very much. No, I wasn't very respectful <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> but I was truthful!

Thanks for bullying me about keeping the kids away from the OW. WH pouted about it, but caved in pretty easily.

I am looking forward to seeing my solicitor. Perhaps I will ask her to send a letter reinforcing my wishes on the matter. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Pouting does not work with me ... I have a 16 year old daughter! ~LOL~

WH has just left after visiting DD5.

I didn't speak to him once, except to give him a dish cloth when DD5 spilt some water on the table. I kept myself in a separate room the whole time. He didn't say hello to me when he arrived or goodbye when he left. I didn't either.

When he left, we gave each other hateful looks.

This is bad. I feel like I do hate him.

Alph.

How is WH going to file when he has no money for a solicitor? Do they not like to get paid in the UK?

Now that's a thought. A lawyer that dosen't like getting paid....

I wonder if WH will just drag on indefinitly as has happened in so many other situations on here.

Don't hate H. I wish no one anywhere hated anyone. Plan B to prevent hate at least.

I think it would still be good for you in the long run to give him the equivalent of a Plan B letter.

I have to run - taking DS to afternoon band camp...

with prayers,

Don't need a solicitor to file. You can do it all by yourself! WH just has to fill in a very complex form (three times) and send it into the county court.

No problem. Getting divorced is easy without a solicitor. Hanging on to your finances isn't.

Alph.

Dear Alphin,
It would be almost impossible NOT to have feelings of hate for someone who treats you the way WH treats you. In fact, anger is most natural in your situation. You and your children have been abandoned and WH left you for an OW. He can rationalize this all he wants - those are the plain and simple facts.

It might be good to stay away from all of this as much as possible. If WH ever comes to his senses and wants to restore the M, it's easier if there are less hurtful things to get over, what he did is bad enough as it is and will need a lot of time to heal and restore your trust in him.

Even he never comes to his senses - well, then every day you get on with on with your life is a day gained for ((((ALPHIN))))

Alphin

If someone really wants to do something, they will do it. When your H was lured by the prospect of a pair of artfully dropped knickers, he was able to turn a blind eye to his two children and his financial situation, wasn't he?

The 'can't afford a divorce' whine is nonsense. If he really wanted it, nothing would stop him. The excuse - because that's what it is - is to disguise from you, the OW and himself, the fact that he's not at all sure that he wants to be with the OW, or divorced from you and his kids. He doesn't know what he wants. Being with OW is not giving him the blissful release from pressure that he fantasised, but he has not quite figured that out yet.

Boy, I can't wait to go on holiday to Spain! And then come back from there and stay with my parents and be pampered.

*Note to Mom - make sure I am pampered!*


I fear he may go bankrupt figuring it out. Guess that's his problem now though. I must sound terribly cold, but it really is.

Alph.

It's the cold and hard truth - you're not cold.
Any man (or woman) who wants to be "adult and mature" has to clean up the mess he or she makes.

Boy, am I feeling it now.

On the way home from school, DD5 and I took a little detour into the local park for a while, before we had to meet WH at home.

DD5 is learning how to turn 'cartwheels'.

'Mummy,' she said 'Can you do cartwheels?'

'Erm...'

I haven't done one for about ten years. But, always eager to instruct my daughter in all things good and useful, I had to try!

I can still do it!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I did four or five. DD5 was well impressed. Not so the old lady who walked by with her dog (probably thought I was drunk), but DD5 can now turn them too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It was fun being silly and girly in the park with DD5. But boy do my back and legs hurt tonight! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

"I'd like to know: If a (possible) alcoholic 'cuts down' on his drinking because someone else wants him to (i.e. Omelette) does this work? Or is he likely to gradually return to his old habits, particularly during times of stress - such as a hideous divorce?"

I am not an expert on alcoholics. But I lived with four in my immediate family, mom and three brothers, and many more in my extended family. All I can say is no loved one ever got through to any of them until we practiced tough love and solid professional intervention was tried. And not even then with mom and one brother.

My suspicion is he is cleaning up his act solely for the purpose of appearances regarding child custody. That seems to be on his mind right now. It will be temporary.

Omelette is a classic enabler. His drinking is one of her control techniques.

Don't you be one. Cutting him out of your life may be the best thing for him re his drinking. Let omelette deal with it now. It's going to get worse.

With prayers,

This was my thought too. I was talking to my friend in Spain about this tonight. He said that the Omelette has no doubt put her foot down re the drinking, as Spanish women seem to have a real thing about men and alcohol. Very disapproving (and rightly so, I guess!)

I can't see it lasting. You can't drinking as heavily and steadily as WH has for years and then just stop. Well, he hasn't stopped, he's cut down. But whenever he's done that in the past, the ammount has always crept up again. Always.

It might take longer this time, as he's desperate about the children, as well as trying to keep in the Omelette's good books, but I'm sure it will get heavier again.

Oh, and my friend also taught me perfect pronunciation in the Spanish word for 'prostitute', so I know just what to say to her if we should meet in the street one day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Alph.