Welcome back Alphin <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, Susan!

It's good to be back.

Alph.

Alph! I missed you! Glad you're back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Welcome back, Alph. So glad you had a fun time.

You've been missed. Did you get a nice tan?

Hi, Pebbles! Thanks for missing me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Trix, hello! I have a healthy, light golden tan, which is the best I can hope for with my pale skin. Looks quite nice tho - no peels!

I've had such a nice time - spoilt rotten by my friends in Spain and my parents last week. It's been lovely.

Back to reality! WH is coming around to bring back the cats and see the girls tomorrow.

Very nervous after not seeing him for over two weeks.

I missed him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

I missed him.

Be certain he know that !!!

and

Do NOT roll your eyes when you tell him !!!

It is important he knows this without a doubt.

In fact ... ask him to repet it back to you so you KNOW he ~heard~ what you said.

A: "I miss you"

WH: "Huh?"

A: "I said I really miss you."

WH: "What? You do?"

A: "Repeat this back to me so I know you heard me.... Alph misses her husband. Say that back to me Please."

Hey Alphin! Good to see you back! I'm glad you had a good time...!

~A

Hi Alphin,

Happy to hear from you and that you had a good vacation!

Hey Ashley, hey Luna!

Thank you very much - I did have a good time. And although I didn't want the holiday to end, it has done me a lot of good. I feel much stronger now, and am very pleased with how I handled the first 'separated' anniversary in particular. It may well be the last!

About the D: WH is supposed to be getting proceedings started this summer. School starts again for him and the Omelette on September 6th. I was half expecting to have received something about it when I got home yesterday, but nothing yet. I guess it's still too early - they are probably still trying to make up outrageous instances of 'unreasonable behaviour' about me. I'm kind of looking forward to seeing what they write, actually. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WH did come around when we were gone and take away they last of his papers. I don't know if the bike is still in the lock-up outside; I haven't checked. If he's left that I might start using it myself, tho it is a little large for me! I'm still slim after my holiday, but could use some toning up. I've always liked bike riding. I might start swimming too once the kids go back to school.

He's also filled in the form to separate our bank account. I just have to sign it, then that's that. He does seem serious.

He came around today to take the girls out. I put some money down in front of him to pay for the cat's board, and that was that. We didn't say a word to each other, again. It's so horrible. He hates me because I threatened to throw the Omelette's bribery gifts for the girls in the bin, and because of exposure, and because I messed up his life, forced him to have an affair etc etc. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I really do think he believes I drove him to it.

He still has the keys I gave him so he could get into the house when we were away. I told him to put them through the letter box when he'd finished. Perhaps he just forgot. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I mentioned before that I missed him on holiday. I'm not so sure now that's exactly true. I think I'm experiencing those 'triggers' that people in recovery talk about. I was sad because the last time we went to Spain, and stayed with these friends, WH was with us. The last time we visited my parents' place, WH was with us. Our last anniversary, he said he loved me, that he was happy. It was all so different, really sad. I'm not sure I missed him exactly, just the way things used to be.

Alph.

Just journalling...

I'm becoming depressed about the increasing possiblity of soon becoming single. Some people already see me that way.

I was hanging out the tons of holiday laundry outside yesterday, and who should instantly appear but BikerDude. How lovely. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

We (he) talked for ten minutes about his new bike, and how she's a bad bike because she keeps making him drive too fast. He said that perhaps someone else on the back would help slow him down a bit :cringe:

Afetr I escaped from BikerDude, I read a message from an old (male) schoolfriend, who knows what has happened between WH and me and wants to come and see me. I'd like to think that he just wants to be supportive, but I know it's more than that.

I DIDN'T WANT THIS!!!!!

I'm so angry with WH for putting me in this position. I NEVER WANTED TO BE SINGLE AGAIN!!! Now stupid WH has made this unilateral decision about our life together, and I am facing the single life again, whether I want to or not. I DON'T WANT IT!!! I've always felt so safe and grateful to be out of the dating scene. Now I'm here, running away from men who don't even care that I'm still married. I feel like a wounded wilderbeast on the edge of the herd, smelling the lions approaching.

I've no idea what to do, or how to cope. Stupid, selfish WH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> He'd quite happily see me paired off with anyone, just so he wouldn't have to feel guilty any more. He's never been the jealous type.


Get thee to a nunnery, Alphin. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

I get that, Alphin.. I understand that feeling. WH finally agreed to the sep draft agreement. So like yours, he seems determined in continuing to kick me to the curb. It really bites. I don't miss and want this person he's become. I miss what things used to be.

As for the single thing.. since my WH doesn't even seem to miss me, I doubt he'll even care if I was actually dating two men at the same time! <sardonic laugh> Not that I'm interested in doing that all for a long time yet!

Did you buy anything interesting in Spain?

~A

Hi Ashley.

I bought some nice clothes (tops mainly) and a pair of pink Converses (basketball boots) for DD12. She's the same size as me, so I actually bought them for myself, and she only thinks they are for her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I haven't had so much fun shopping for years, actually! I regretted not packing a spare suitcase - when I packed my stuff up to go home, I thought my poor old case would explode!

I'm having such fun buying different colours and styles - stuff I wouldn't have even looked at before.

I guess it isn't all bad! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sorry your WH is being as big an AH as mine. The only thing in my favour is that my WH is so disorganised. But I'm sure that OW is keeping him on his toes.

Alph.

Alphin,

Why do you not give your husband any glimmer of a hint that you still care and want the marriage? (of course you may not want the marriage anymore...or are you trying to convince yourself that you don't?)

I think this is working against you if you want any hope of staying married.

I also think it reinforces to him that he is right to continue the affair "because his wife doesn't care anyway".

Know what I mean?

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Susan.

This is the question, isn't it? I just don't know anymore if I want the marriage.

I want it for my kids - I know that. But I really don't know if I love WH any more.

It's more than that, too. I remember reading on this board that many BS's whose WS chose them wouldn't have had them back if the WS had actually left, and then regretted that decision. They couldn't have accepted that they were the 'second choice'. That's kind of how I feel now.

If WH did come back, what if I always feel second best?

I'm going through the 'anger' stage of grief at the moment, too. I am so mad at him. I know that I have plan A'd too long, and should have been in plan B weeks ago. I need not to see him.

I know that these are feelings that all BS's have, but I can't keep them in any more and pretend. I am so hurt, and so weak. I still can't believe it all, really. What he's done.

I need plan B, and am working towards it. I can't even remember now what it feels like to love him, as I feel only anger.

I'm sorry. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

NO, not always. If he came back eventually you would convince yourself it was because he wanted to be there...and that would make you first choice.


I agree...especially the way things are now. If you are so angry that you don't speak to him and can't communicate that you still care for him, I think you should be in Plan B fast. Again, I think this is working against reconciliation.

After being around you, I'm afraid he does not go back to OW thinking about what he is missing. He goes back thinking how mad you are at him and how glad he is that he has a safe place to go (coz right now she's probably scared to rock the boat.) Sorry.



You don't have to apologize to me. Everything you feel is natural. I think you DO need Plan B. Something to think about.

Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I was wondering the same thing as Susan.

I wish you would have let him know that you missed him on your family vacation. That you remembered the fun times you shared before on vacations together. Or some flirty attitude to attempt to attract him back or that you desired him...your H. One last attempt before Plan B.

He has to know what he is missing...and see a bit of the new improved Alphin before plan B. You've had so few opportunities to actually plan A. I guess I was relentless for a while. I didn't let my H forget that I existed until I was ready for my moving on attitude of a modified plan B. (prior to MB)

You are getting so close to plan B...make use of what opportunities you have left. You are acting too much like someone who is resigned to the DV as if it is inevitable. It may be but I am still hoping that isn't the case. I still believe that you both could rebuild a better marriage than before Omelette came into the picture.

When WH left, he said that our marriage had been bad for a long time, but that there had been a few 'bright spots', as he put it, like when we went to France in 2003.

This was one of the happiest times of my life, and it hurt me so much that he only saw it as a 'bright spot' in an otherwise bad marriage. I can't tell him how I feel about vacations we went on, how much they meant to me - it's all ruined. I know it's fog, I know he's very deep in it and that it isn't true, but I do feel defeated now.

Money has always been tight for us, but we always managed to have lovely vacations together. At least, I thought they were lovely.


The way I feel now, I can't imagine behaving this way towards him. I remember how I felt a little while ago, when I kissed him. It felt right then but I'm a different person now. It would be like flirting with a stranger, one I wasn't even attracted to. That's how I feel. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I know I am better than the OW - a better person, better for my children, a better partner for WH. But I feel she's won. And I don't mind any more. I feel they deserve each other.

Alph.

The maybe the real plan B is a bit over due. YOur love bank is on empty. It seems, you are already in a modified form or plan B. You need to give him your letter and go dark...and soon.

Did you ever read the 180 list and try any of those ideas during plan A? Doing some of that helped me a lot.

Is there a link for the 180 list?

Thanks Trix <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Here is a link:

Example of 180 List