Thank you very much, Trix.

This is an interesting list of things to try - I'll certainly give it a go. Nothing else to lose now.

Alph.

I have to disagree Alphin. I think you are already doing those things. I don't know what good the 180 will do you. You have not been begging and pleading and calling him.

I think you need to let him know you miss him and care and want him home with his family where he belongs, and then go dark....plan B.

Susan

I thought she should too Alphin...it just doesn't seem like she has it in her to do it anymore...nor does she seem to have many opportunities for positive contact with her WH.

I know in my (Pre-MB) modified plan A, I was able to use all sorts of things with the attempt to attract my H back. Changed my look, was more out going...sexier..(even though I had lost way too much weight)...middle of the night phone sex...but My H was in his own apt at that point. He moved home after 4 months that time.

Once he moved into OW's house it became more of a really moving on Trix...closer to a plan B...but we still had our business together.

It seems like that last time you had a Plan A evening, Alph, was at your D's school performance.

I hoped that the holiday away from him might have made WH jealous - I thought he might have wondered what I'd be up to. But, as I've said before, he's never been the jealous type. He tried to set me up with an old male friend on the night before he left - suggested we 'get together'. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Trix, I think you're right about the concert - that's certainly the last really positive memory I have, anyway; although I do make sure I look really good every time he comes around. But, I suppose even well dressed, sweet-smelling b!t*h in the WH's eyes is still just a b!t*h.

He told me that the reason he's been staying away and not talking is because of the exposure - he's been terrified of my 'letter-writing campaign'. I think this is only partly true, but exposure certainly doesn't seem to have worked for me - I think it has only pushed them closer together. But it's so hard to know - I just don't know what's happening between them!

I spoke to MIL last night. She told me that WH and OW were down visiting her when the girls and I were in Spain. I didn't ask about their visit much, but MIL did confirm that WH told her he was going to divorce me.

There is a certain inevitability about it now, yes.

Alph.

OMG <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

My big cowardly cat, who's never caught anything faster or bigger than a slug in his life before, has just run in through the catflap and proudly presented me with the most enormous spider in Europe, still struggling.

As I was clearly unimpressed with his gift (standing on chair, shrieking), he proceeded to eat it in front of me.

I feel ill. But what a great cat. He knows how to swing my moods around! I'd rather feel ill and appalled by him dining on a large spider than sad and blue because of WH.

*clears away left-over legs and gives cat a kit-bit*

Alph.

I had a cat that use to bring me dragon flies and snakes. I got in the habit of checking the cat's mouth before letting him in. You never know what kind of tail could be sticking out!

Alph - my WH used to be abit of the jealous type. But since he developed a wandering heart and hooked up with OW, he doesn't even care if I've been rolled over by a truck twice over. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I never owned cats before... I've always had dogs. My current one is such a darling and a great comfort. She's getting old though.. I'd hate to come to the time when she'll need to go to dog heaven.

~A

He was so proud of what he'd done - pranced about with his tail straight up in the air for hours afterwards. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I mentioned he'd only caught slugs before - that was a gross experience. The place we lived previously was a downstairs flat, and we had slugs in our kitchen. Cat used to catch them in the night and disembowel them - leave them strewn across the kitchen (guess they didn't taste good - unlike spiders). Came wandering through to the kitchen in bare feet one morning, half asleep and without my glasses on... 'nuff said.

Hey Ashley - I'm still really tempted to get a dog. The only thing stopping me is the fact that we'll probably have to go into rented accomdation soon. I don't even know what I'll do with the cats if that happens!

Poor innocent victims - obviously WH doesn't care about them, either. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Wondering about stuff, as usual. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I've read on another site about how A's can go through a series of 'filters', which can determine whether they will last into long-term relationships. The filters are (if I remember correctly): exposure, divorce (of one or both of the A partners) and marriage of the A partners.

As each one of these filters is experienced, the chances of the A lasting increases. Therefore, an A that has survived exposure, divorce and results in a marriage is much more likely to last than one that has yet to be exposed.

Thinking about my own situation, where WH and OW have lived together since d/day, the A has survived exposure and now WH is saying he will divorce me, I wonder where this puts them.

The divorce places the biggest strain on an A relationship, I am told. Very few are likely to survive it (Pullman, in 'Private Lies' makes this point). But if WH and OW do come through the D unscathed, is their relationship more likely to survive if they get married, or if they don't?

Does anyone have any ideas, please?

Alph.

Alphin,
I don't think you should be wandering about those things. The beauty of MB plans is that YOU are the one who should be a success, whatever happens to your WS and the A.
YOU CANNOT control them, so you should not concentrate on them.

Try to think about yourself and what you can do for YOU. This is extremely important because if and when your WS comes back to reality, YOU have to be ready, you have to be emotionally "recovered" enough to be able to undertake recovery. YOU will have to help him.

If you are not prepared, WS is less likely to turn to you when the A starts to fail, or the cracks appear etc.
It is at that moment that the BS has the power over the futur of the M.

Sometimes the BS is so successful in their personal recovery that it is too late for the WS by the time he starts to come out of the fog.

Most of the experts tell you to wait a minimum of 1 year in plan B. 2 years is the usual recommended time before giving up. That is if you are committed to your marriage.

I know from my own experience how hard it is. I am nearly 8 months into plan B and WH and OW still live together as far as I know. But being in plan B I have managed to concentrate on myself and I'm trying to make a life of my own.

Some days are better than others.

So do concentrate on yourself. What have you planned?

Honestly, I've thought for a long time that you are focusing way too much on them and their relationship ~ how it is going, what OW and your H are thinking and doing, if they can survive, etc.

Don't waste your time and energy obsessing and trying to figure out their insanity. It is not something you can know.

I'd love to see you focus on doing what YOU could do to change the situation ~ like telling your husband you miss him, acting compassionate toward him (imagine he is a person with a disease), and then going to Plan B if your love bank is drained.

Susan

cc46 and Susan,

You are right. In reality, I don't sit about all the time wondering about this stuff. It was weeks ago I last looked at a relationship book - honest!

I find it hard to think of things to do for myself. All I want to do is read in the hot sunshine in my backyard at the moment (non-relationship books!!!). The kids go back to school in two weeks, then I might start writing again.

This is my ultimate ambition (another 'reason' why WH left me was that I hadn't written a novel yet <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ). Not that he's put me off. Just watch me write a blockbusting bestseller - that'd show him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> A steamy tale of lust, betrayal and vengence, set in a Northern English city.

Nah... none of that reality nonsense for me - I'm a Fantasy girl myself. A tale of lust, betrayal and vengence set under a pink sky; a landscape populated by unicorns and small furry elk-like creatures with green hooves...

Hmm...

Alph.

This is very interesting.

As I wrote my last post, I was almost overcome with the desire to start writing something, anything.

I haven't felt that way since WH left. This is a real turning point for me.

When DD5 goes to bed this evening, I'm plugging DD12 into the computer with an absorbing game, and giving some well-needed attention to my old laptop in the bedroom.

I have ideas, I have the desire. Time to start. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, cc46 and Susan!

Alph.

(another 'reason' why WH left me was that I hadn't written a novel yet )

Huh ?

Hi b0b!

Did you have a nice holiday?

Yeah, WH said I'd wasted my talent and degree by not writing a novel, and that was one of the 'reasons' he left.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alph, I have read some horsesh1t rationlization on here in my time but that is even above Squid's assertion that I forced her into an affair because I didn't comment on her hair colour . Staggeringly foggy.

Your H needs shooting in the head on compassionate grounds.

* Edited to say a lovely holiday thanks ! Eleven days of peace and tranquility with my kids playing out all day, and Squid and me spending comfortable time in each other's company.

Not so long ago I couldn't imagine life being lke this with Squid ever again. Never give up hope Alph. Not completely.

Yes!

He also left me because I dieted to be more attractve for him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

At least I can smile about it now. Hope you are OK?

Alph.

Just read your edit, b0b. Delighted you had a good time!

The girls and I had fun in Spain, though I have to admit that WH was missed.

My friends kept us all busy, so there wasn't time to feel sad. I'm finding it hard to get back down to earth. I just want to sit on the deck in the back yard, drinking wine in the sun...

Alph.

I have a question about WH's mail.

It's been 4 1/2 months since he left. I have asked him on several occasions to arrange to have Royal Mail redirect his mail to his septic lovenest address.

It is still being delivered here. It's really starting to annoy me.

Should I give him an ultimatum? Threaten to return all mail to sender unless he makes the arrangement for redirection?

If I'm going into plan B I don't want him to have any excuses for contact.

Alph.

Alphin,

last night I read the following in Tough Love (Dobson)pg 88 but I had to find it that's why I'm writing it for you now. He's speaking of the WS:



I find this very descriptive of what WS might go thru.

I also recommend you look up Cruz's thread.

Hope this helps.

cc <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />