Thank you, cc46. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I wonder if my WH feels any of this conflict? He's impossible to read. I should stop trying.

I really need to think about Plan B.

I need to sort out a set visitation schedule for the kids, one that is regular, so WH can't call me up and try to rearrange it.

I need to sort out the mortgage payment (this comes out of the account which has just gone into single signature (his)).

I need to tell him (again) to redirect his mail. Actually, I am really fed up with this. He's been gone for 4 1/2 months and his mail is still being delivered here. Should I give him an ultimatum? Redirect your mail or I'll start returning it to sender?

Need to buy a new telephone/answer machine (with caller ID).

Need to write new Plan B letter.

That's enough to be getting on with for now.

Alph.

Hi Alph

Yep, Plan B. The dark side of the force is strong in your WH.

Don't give up hope though Alph. Even entrenched affairs are VERY LIKELY to end acrimoniously.

Hi b0b.

He's an AH.

My mother said it, when we were staying with them a couple of weeks ago.

Very strong language for her - so it must be true. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alph

I don't say this stuff often, cos its opinion not MB and can cause offense. but in truth I actually quite PITY WS and OPs.

Yes I know that sounds patronising, and maybe it is but theres usually a, well, PATHETIC streak through them.

Take Squid - a good if duller than she would like marriage yet she convinced herself she loved an utter old wastrel roue.

She threw away everything for some lying intimacy, sex and 'something fresh'.

She is BROKEN by her affair. She has lost all self respect. Her shame has paralysed her personal development.

She has a fear of damnation she has not had before since her salvation (bad for believers).

She fears almost everything. Her resilence is broken.

For that fantasy she has lost almost anything of worth to her. Except me. And I suspect she hates being so reliant on me ( she has always been haughtily independent).

I see a man I am proud of when I look in the mirror. Many WS see only a hateful person when they do.

Unless yoru WH is a monster he must wrestle similar demons in the dark moments and will for the rest of his life.

I Pity WS.

I understand what you mean, but I can't pity someone who shows no remorse or gives no sign that he might have made a mistake.

If I don't recover my marriage, then I would like some indication from WH, one day, that he is sorry for the pain he has caused his family.

I seriously doubt that I will ever get what I want. He is so stubborn, he will stick with this relationship even if it kills him, just to prove he is 'right'.

I am trying not to think about this any more. Come Plan B, I will shut the door on WH and leave him to his secret demons.

Alph.

I am with you Bob. I also pity WS and OP. What they have done, they can NEVER EVER undo, even if they don't admit it. That is one realization that stops me from ever having an A! And the reason why I pity WS.

Alphin, even if he never admits it to YOU, you will know when he is sorry. Those demons will be there.
My WH doesn't admit even the possibility that anything is wrong, but I'm sure he knows, and that is why I'm giving him a chance of coming out of the fog by going to plan B for a year.

Alph, remember your WH is not capable of remorse right now. He is deluded by his rationalization for and addiction to his affair.

As Orchid says your H is supressed deep withn the WH body and mind right now. One day it will escape and he will be devastated.

Pay little heed to your WH, look for signs of your H that may show from time to time.

Except when you're in plan B.

{{{alph}}}

I've only gone back over the past two pages but Alph, your WH's statement about leaving you for not writing your novel struck me. My WH said I had "no ambition" - spent too much time being a mum ... it hurt me soooo badly because it had been a joint decision for me to be a SAHM. And then you've got Jude Law having an A because Sienna is too ambitious and he fancied a nice homely woman like Daisy doodah. It is just all a crock of [censored]. Adulterers often have affairs with people so oppositie to their partners and once they 'fall in love' (your WH & mine are definitely having full-on romantic affairs) there is NOTHING you can do or say that puts you in a good light.

It is 18 months now since my Dday and I do see remorse and guilt. I see quite a wretched, miserable man. He can't see a way out and, in all honesty, neither can I. The best part of our relationship was our sex life, not our friendship, and with that gone we can't seem to reconnect. If you had a good friendship with your WH maybe you have hope still, but 4.5 months is such a short time. He's still in lala land. tt

Hi TT ! Back home and recovered now I hope mate? Shame we didn't meet for a pint in Blighty...

That SAHM thing is a toughie. Squid and I agreed it too so I could accept a new and more demanding job. The bog problem with being a SAHM for Squid was that SHE didn;t respect or value the role, not me. She likes to be admired by others and she wanted to be a karate champion, successful nurse, something else (delete where applicable) and didn't like the attributes of the SAHM gig. She hurled herself into karate and the rest is history...

Squid told me that OM was my opposite too. Bizarre really. he was opposite in some ways, but not in any positive way. Non that I can see anyway. What he DID was do the few things i didn;t do well VERY well. Flattery, admiration, conversation. Hard to do that when I am at work, then the kids get handed over to me and Squid buggered off to karate every bloody night.

Ah well. That was then.

Its insightful that you beleive you don;t really have a friendship withyoru WH. I doubt very much if the Hong Kong Tollop is much of afriend to WH either. Is he just not the intimate type?

Six months and you can apply a HK visa TT. Six months mate...

This one sounds so much like my WH. He keeps saying sorry but continues to do the thing that he is apologising for?? What the...... ??!??!?

Alph -- OK, that excuse your WH gave you abt not writing the book is one of the lamest I've ever read/ seen/ heard! I am like a few people here who don't totally buy the Meeting Needs theory. Peggy Vaughn from another Extra-marital affairs website was the almost perfect wife and her H had many affairs. He gave excuses/ justifications every time he had one! You can meet a person's meets like crazy and he might then say you are too alike or you are too needy or something or other!

As for a owning a dog, it definitely takes more time and energy than owning a cat <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Dog need alot of attention! But at least they don't go having A's!!!

~A

Hi, TT! We were the opposite. SF had become a non-event in our R, unfortunately. There was a lack of enthusiasm mainly on his part, rather than mine. I think that he never recovered from watching me give birth, to be honest. He doesn't deal with gore very well. My illness certainly turned him right off, too.

But we did have a very warm, flirty relationship. I always wanted him to take it further, but he rarely did. I tried to initiate SF early on in our relationship, but he didn't seem to like that much, either. I learned to wait for him, if I wanted it. I began waiting a long time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Then he started scr*wing someone else instead. I will find it very hard to reconnect with him on a physical level, if he decides he wants to come back.

Yeah, the SAHM thing *sigh*. This was a joint decision for us, too. But the fact that I became boring and unambitious (in WH's opinion) was all my fault, of course.

From what I can gather, Omelette is very different to me. She's big, tall and strong (I'm smaller, and have a chronic illness - I'm also now very thin); she's a professional, she's younger, and she has no children. She left Spain, in fact, to avoid becoming like her own mother (a SAHM).

Oh yes. And she's a complete ball-breaking ******, who doesn't give a [censored] about family, children or commitment. I don't think I am this kind of girl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

b0b - I really valued my SAHM role (still do - I won't let WH bring me down about this, even when he tells me that our beautiful kids would have done just as well if we'd both worked full time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />) I wonder how much of a pal the Omelette will be for him... I suspect she isn't much of one, and this is why WH is always going on about us remaining friends. Omelette doesn't have what it takes to be a pal.

Ashley -


Yup, it's pretty poor. I have always wanted to write, but I'd like to see how many women manage to churn out novels when they stay at home with the kids (yes, I know JK Rowling did it, but she's pretty exceptional). Ironic thing is, DD5 is now at school and because WH left me I'm on Income Support, with nothing to do during the day. Might as well write! This is, actually, a genuine opportunity for me.


I'm not afraid of this kind of commitment. I'm full of love and affection <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> and I can't give it to a man! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> So why not a dog? DD12 keeps pushing me away now (AW, Mom, you're sooo embarrassing!). DD5 is still a poor, clingy little thing... I think a dog would be great for her, too.

Can't afford it, though. But it would be great. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

WH has brought the kids back from an afternoon of ten pin bowling.

I wish I could have gone! I love it.

What's really annoying is that WH does so many fun things with the kids that he never bothered to do when he was living with us.

Fun things that I no longer have the chance to participate in. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I'm glad the kids have fun with him, though.

Alph.

Dear Alphin,

I know the feeling. Thinking of you. "Hugs".

Thank you, Luna. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Poor, poor DD5.

She's had three terrible nightmares in the last five days - really bad ones.

One night, she dreamed about spiders and spent the rest of the night in bed with me. She didn't let go of me all night.

Last night, she dreamed that ghosts were crawling around her bed and all around the house. She was too scared this morning to go upstairs to the toilet on her own. She feels sick in her tummy again, and won't eat her breakfast.

Not a single bad dream when we were away on vacation, away from this situation. But we come back here, back to contact with WH, and it all starts up again.

Sometimes I wish that the children could join me in plan B. I want to pack us all up and flee. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alph, maybe you can become the NEXT JK Rowling <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Poor DD5. I hope she'll stop having the nightmares soon.


~A

Thanks, Ashley. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

She was OK last night - I had to climb into bed with her and cuddle her until she fell asleep, but no nightmares.

Now I'm a little concerned about DD12!

I caught her in a lie to her Daddy last night. Some of you may remember that a while ago she wanted to give up playing the violin, which she is very good at but her heart has gone out of it. WH managed to persuade her to keep going to the lessons - he doesn't realise, of course, that the main reason that she doesn't want to play any more is because HE has broken her heart.

Last night, I heard DD12 promise him on the phone that she hadn't done any practice the night before, but she would do extra that night to make up for it. The truth is, she hasn't touched the instrument all summer.

She doesn't want to play it any more, and she told me that. I told WH, and he persuaded her to keep playing. Now she goes to the lessons, but never practices. WH is paying for the lessons, so it's no problem for me, but this situation has made her untruthful and unhappy.

She has no interest, and is only carrying on because she doesn't want to disappoint her Daddy.

Guess I need to talk to him about this. But he won't accept the real reason why she doesn't want to play!

Alph.

Alph, my middle daughter (my troublesome one! - but the most fun) was a breeze in England. Surrounded by grandparents and cousins and no school pressures. We are back in HK and last night she was breathless and anxious. I totally understand about your little girl but have no advice! We can't holiday forever unfortunately. TT

Alph
Make sure your WH knows his actions are disturbing the deams of your one DD and the ambitions of the other.

I'm trying to think of how to put this to him, seeing as we aren't talking to each other, and he doesn't listen to me even when we do.

Perhaps I'll relay it through MIL, once again. We are seeing her and FIL, and BIL & partner & son tomorrow.

Alph.