Welcome. Since there seem to be so many of you right now, thought I would start a thread. Have you all read mortarman's posts?

An interesting idea so here I am. I have not seen the posts that I can remember. Could you provide a link? I am a BS but have been faithful to my wife since we started dating.

MM's posts rock...he's a smart cookie for sure.

I'm in how do I find mortarmans posts?

MM's can be found by clicking on his name and when his profile shows up click on show all posts by MM.

MM and many, many others have given good, detailed advice to many folks on here. He is also a poster child for how to gain custody of your children when your wife is in an affair. He and many others who have had the same painful experiences, will help you along in the process of healing your marriage and if that doesn't heal then yourself.

What is all of this.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> (eyes rolling as Mortarman looks around)

Well Mort, it looks like a little tribute to your wisdom. It's kind of funny, last night my fiance (FHL04) and I where discussing the preacher's wife post. In our discussion, we made the exact points you related so well to her. But I must also say that your delivery was wonderful.

There are a few here on these boards whom I admire for their communication styles and wisdom, you sir, are one of them....

For all that you give and share, thank you.....(((( MM ))))

Thanks Bill. Really.

In His arms.

I have been married for eleven years and I have never approached another woman inappropriately either verbally or physically even when the WW and I were dating. I did not think it was very hard or that I was sacrificing anything. It seems like I am in the minority. I might become the biggest serial adulterer in the history of the country at a later date but I do not think so. How some people think and feel really escapes me.

So now we have a village elder on board and can reap the benefits of his wisdom. Hiya MM <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

What shall we talk about? I, for one, am sickened by the traffic this site sees. I had NO idea that cheating was so prevalent. What the HELL is going on? Are WE the crazy ones?

Hi guys. I was trying to get you all in one place. It is hard to watch you all over the board.

Here is a post I liked by a recovering WW, and Mortarman.

Quote:
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Gramn...(Thanks for your returned support...my H and I are working on our EN Questionaires right now...say a prayer that we are guided in the right direction)

Please don't get discouraged, stick with the plan, so far it has produced the exact results that the "vets" told you it would, you can't give up, keep forging ahead...if it were me, I would print out or just read and re-read MortarMan's posts...use the advice of others as inspiration, but it seems to me that MortarMan has "the other team's playbook" and is so adept at breaking it down for you play-by-play...glad to know that we had/and hopefully still have people like him in our military...God Bless the U.S.A.!

NOW, ARE ALL OF YOU "VETS" LISTENING?...I'm still so very new in my/our recovery that I'm afraid of giving the wrong advice...so please, if I do, let Gramn(and me)know...I really want to help, but I don't want to do more harm than good...

This is something that my husband did that worked on me...think it might work for Gramn too??? As the WS, you really are embarrassed/ashamed of your behavior once it is revealed(otherwise you wouldn't be hiding it, right?), but pride and all the other bad feelings that you are going through act as "blockers" for your "opening up" to your spouse(at least for me). My husband kinda of opened things up for me by saying, that he understood how our marriage was "ripe" for an affair to happen...he said that he knew that he had not been a "good" husband (he never mentioned that I had not been a "good" wife-though VERY true...he knew how fragile my state was).

Anyway, it was this environment that made me feel that I could begin to talk to him about what I had done(WSes are very self-centered, and love to talk about themselves and their super "unique" situations)...he opened the door a crack for me, held out his hand and slowly I began to reach for it little by little.

He also just left "Surviving an Affair" sitting around in the open without ever even suggesting that I read it...one night when I felt soooo...low, and was racking my brain for any way that I could ease my own pain, I began to read it of my own avail and my fog began to lift bit-by-bit...Baby steps in the right direction...Do you guys see something like that working for Gramn?

Gramn, I hope that God sees fit to use even a tiny tidbit of "my story" to help you in some way...I would be so very honored if He would use me in this way...if you have ANY questions about what the WW wife is "thinking" I'd be glad to shed any light that I can...but always check with the "pros" before taking any of my novice/possible fog filled advice. They are so right about this stuff...Affairs REALLY DON"T survive the light of day, no kidding!!!

One day I hope that your wife comes here to read as I have and is just as amazed as I have been about how very predictable the behavior that, trust me on this, she thought was so "unique" to her and her situation actually is...it's almost comical how identical that we all(WSes) are.

God is with you on this, and will move mountains for you if you let Him...take good care of you Gramn!

WWWondering


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Gramn, WWW is right on. While you wait (and do the things I listed before), you begin to seed the environment, just as she said. How? Well, first...no accusations. Everything is matter-of-fact. Pretend like you know "everything." Second, listen. Dont lash at her...let her speak. It is now that she will begin to talk, begin to spill out all of the things in her head. As she does that, you just say things like "Honey, I didnt know that...I'm sorry that hurt you." Or "So how do you feel about that?" Answer her accusations and denouncements of you with questions. She says "You were never there for me." You say: "Honey, I am so sorry you ever felt that way. I am so sorry that you have ever felt that way." Then...say nothing!! Let the silence be deafening. Let her become uncomfortable. It is i nthis moment that she will hear herself...and she will move to the next stage in her communications with you.

That stage is awareness. She begins to become aware of just how silly she sounds. She begins to have that embarassment that WWW talked about start to hit home. She begins to see herself as she really is...dirt and all.

But guess what else she begins to see? She begins to see a guy she doesnt quite recognize. She expected her accusations abd bile to be met with defensive words, and even with throwing the affair back in her face. She never expected the guy she is hurting so much to sit there and listen and to actually find sympathy for her. For the first time since this whole sordid thing started, she actually has one person she can discuss everything with. She has someone that understands her, and understands her life leading up to this (tell me if this doesnt ring true, WWW). Oh, she is mad as hell at you...no doubt. But she is also confused because the guy she is most mad at she begins to realize that she doesnt want to do without.

Ever see the movie "The Story of Us" with Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer. It is brilliant in playing out the mid-life issues of marriages. But what I wanted to hone in on was the end of the movie. Where Michelle, who has been pressing the separation and divorce...has that "lightbulb" moment. Where she can see clearly what she has...and what she is about to lose. So she begins a diatribe about how they have history, a family. About all of the little things she forgot about while she was lost in the negatives. She talked about how she knew Bruce had negatives...but dont we all. And that no matter who we are with, this will always be the case. As I have always said...if you find the perfect man or woman to be your spouse...dont marry them. you will only screw up their lives!! That's a joke...as you know.

Anyway, what I am trying to tell you (and WWW is telling you from one who is just coming out of this as a WW) is that your wife needs you. My wife even said a few days ago something interesting. I asked "Do you love me?" She said "Yes...but sometimes I hate you!" And said it with a slight smile on her face. And you know what? I can accept that. I can now accept that sometimes, I do not like my wife...and that is okay. And the marriage and family are okay if my wife is completely POed at me today.

Your wife will, as most WSs do...have that "lightbulb" moment. And who will have been there for her, to help guide her to that moment...even when she didnt want him to? That would be you!! Who will be there when the moment happens, and she breaks down in sobs that you never ever want to hear out of your wife? That will be you. Who will drop the hurt and anger atyour wife in a second to hold her and help her heal first, even though it was you that was betrayed? Well, it aint fair...but that guy is YOU!!

I talked about what God expects outta you. He expects you to die for your wife. To put her interests and wellbeing ahead of your own. Sometimes that means tough love. Sometimes that means just listening, when you want to unload on her. Sometimes that means forgiveness, even when forgiveness wasnt asked for.

I hope you are beginning to see this. Your wife is beginning to change. The person she becomes at the end of this will not be the same person that came into it. Neither will it be for you.

But guess who has the major influence in what she becomes? You do! From TopRope: "Sometimes the last person you WANT to help you is the ONLY One who CAN!" That is you, Gramn.

You know, during the affair, when my wife left me and the kids...I looked at my daughter (who is a spittign image of her mom) and just wanted to cry that her role model was such a mess. That my daughter would not have the woman my wife used to be in order to help her grow to be a Godly woman.

Guess what I think now? First, I think that my daughter has slowly watched a woman dealing with many "demons" in her life that were there from childhood. My daughter has watched over the last three years a woman come to grips with her sin, and begin to try to become who she should have been all along.

But added to that...if you ask my daughter who has had the greatest impact on her life, on her family and on her mom becoming who she is becoming...she will tell you that it is me. She has seen me a mess and ready to give up...only to step back up the next day and try again. She has seen her mom go off about me, only to end back up in my bedroom. She has seen a tremendous amount of pain caused by her mom on everyone in the family...and watched her dad defend her and keep her on that pedestal.

Your daughter is too young to understand. And years from now, she will forget the whole thing. But I can bet, when she is my daughter's age (11), she will wonder what could have been if your marriage fails. What will your daughter understand about what happened? What did her father do to save her family and protect her? How far did he go for her mother, to save and protect her?

Of course, should your marriage make it, your daughter will almost assuredly never know about this. But your wife will. And your daughter will grow up looking at your wife look at you. Guess what your daughter will see out of her mom? Guess what your daughter will hear as her mom talks about her dad. It is my guess that you will take on almost mythical proportions.

Gramn, since you are in the middle of the battle, it is hard to see the end. And in some ways, there will never be an "end." Satan will always try to tear down your family. You will always have to be on guard, be watchful for "wolves." You will always have to look out for your wife, and see to it that she never again feels so alone and in need of someone to rescue her. God gave you the headship of the family. Not yoru wife. With that power, also comes responsibility. If the wolves get in due to your negligence, God will not hold your wife responsible. He will hold you responsible.

Forget a lot of this equality stuff out there. Sure, men and women are equal in so many ways. But we are different. She isnt a man with different plumbing. She NEEDS you. She has no way to protect herself from this...apart from Christ and you. And Christ will use the chain-of-command to get thru to her.

The question now is...do you trust Him? As I said before, this battle is about you, Gramn. It isnt about your wife. Your wife is being torn apart by the Enemy, and so is your family. As I was...you should be pissed off about that.

As Mimi said...it is all about "man up." There is no one on this planet that can save your family. No one. Not Dr. Harley. Not your wife. Not your daughter. Not me. No one...but you.

And now that we have put all of that weight on your shoulders...how do you feel? If I am guessing right...you actually feel good. Because men are made and built for times such as these.

In His arms.

believer - what's the "purpose" of the thread?

In answer to your question about what I assume is MM's thread on "roles," I have read some of it, but not all of it.

But I'm unsure as to the purpose of this thread or the connection to Christian based posts (as in MM's thread) when the thread seems to be directed to ALL Faithful husbands, regardless of any faith status. So I'm looking for clarification before I inadvertantly put my foot in my mouth. I've had enough of that potential in another thread with another husband who decidedly did not like any mention of faith.

Foreverhers -

I just noticed that right now there are a lot of men going through the same thing. I will assume that any men that don't believe in Christian based help will pass that post over.

In our society I think it is much more difficult for men to reach out for help with their marriage. So I guess the purpose is to help them, and let them see they are not alone.

So if you can help, please jump in.

And by the way, I think many, many wives would like their husband to be more of a leader, even if they are not believers.

I'm all choked up writing this and not from sorrow. I realize that I have seen the hand of God here and I know He hears my prayers. It's absolutely incredible. That thread was exactly what I needed just now. I am having SUCH a hard time dealing with all the issues stemming from my wife's affair. I'm plan A'ing my [censored] off but I'm also filled with doubt and fearful of what lies in my future. I have searched and searched for stuff like that and prayed for something to pin my hopes on and BAM! There it is.

I was raised a Catholic and I doubt if I'm even a Christian any more but my belief in God is unshakeable and I see him here. Any 'Christian' stuff in that thread went right over my head. Belief in God and His ways is not Christian or Jewish or any other group you care to name who claim to have a lock on the 'Truth". God IS no matter what name you call Him by and he moved you to put that post there because He knew I needed Him to.

Man oh man oh man. Thank you Lord. Thank you Believer.

Campdog - You will have to thank Mortarman. He is truly a blessing. He talks from the heart about what men (and women) need.

As a retired warfighter, he is into battle plans too. I will look for some of them.

Just checking in -

I have never been unfaithful to my W, nor have I ever even thought of such a thing; how people can do such a thing is beyond me...

God bless you guys.

Well, I tried to search for MM's battle plan. Couldn't find it. Anyone here have a battle plan?

Just a very firm second to Believer's mentioning that more wives want their H's to be Leaders of the home and family. My H is not a Christian -- he was raised very strict Catholic and turned away from anything spiritual when he lost his sister -- but I, as one wife, crave that Leadership.

It's extremely difficult to try to lead my three girls own my own, without benefit of their father's input.

Faithful Husbands and Fathers, continue being there for your wives and families, supporting them, loving them, leading them. They need it now more than ever.


slh