Here is the letter I am thinking of sending to the firm. Let me know what you think:

Dear Sir:

I am writing to inform you about something that has been going on within your workplace that I feel you should be aware of. Please understand that I am sharing this information with you because I am a concerned parent and a husband who loves his wife.
I also realize that you may already be aware of this situation. Nevertheless, I want to try to enlist your help in ending this in a way that is best for all parties.
My wife, K, and one of your senior partners, T, have been involved in an affair since at least January of 2005. The details of this affair have come to my attention only recently, but I do know that their ongoing relationship has been perpetuated by their working situation --- they travel together, work on cases together, share client information, etc. Why the affair happened is irrelevant now. What most concerns me is my family. This affair is destroying two families and will do irreparable damage to the children involved if it is not stopped. As you may know, K and I have two young daughters. T and M have children involved as well. It is my belief that T and K are in love and are not thinking clearly. They are acting without consideration for the future.
I hope you realize that it is in your best interest to resolve this matter as well. This is an affair that has gone on for months and continues today, and it is coordinated under the auspices of client work, billable hours, and travel expenses. Perhaps that was not the original intention, but that is the reality now. I cannot help but wonder how this affair has effected the work-related decisions that K and T have made over the past several months. They have worked closely together on many cases, and continue to do so. This is obviously not good business practice, and I cannot imagine that a reputable firm such as yours would condone it.
Please understand that I am writing this letter only because I love K and feel that she is making a huge mistake. I want nothing more than the opportunity to rebuild my marriage with her and save our kids from emotional damage. I would like to know what you plan to do about this situation and I await your reply.

jgoatboy, that is an excellent idea. Now would be a good time to send it.

Latest crazy developments: Monday my wife comes home early from work. She says it's over with OM. He has once again decided to work on his marriage and cannot continue his relationship with her. She is not going on this "business" trip with him. My wife basically says to me "I'm here if you want me back." I tell her I've heard all this before. She says her and OM are to have no more cases together, phone calls, e-mails, etc. This time she says she finally realized we need to stick together for the kids. The rest of the day we spend talking and it's really good communication. We both agree that there is tons of hard work ahead but that we need to try. We sleep in the same bed that night. The next day, things continue to look up. WW e-mails me her travel schedule for August and asks if I could go with her on some of her out of town trips. She gets us a babysitter for the weekend so we can go out alone. We discuss other nights out for the two of us. We go out for drinks after work to celebrate getting through the day.
Then, that evening, while checking her e-mail, I notice WW has received an e-mail from OM. I am looking over her shoulder and she knows it. It says simply "Are you in the Office?" She replies "no" and sends it, then goes on about her business. I am visibly upset and ask her "don't you see what he's doing?" She says he probably just had a question about a case, or else he would have called her cell, etc. I say, No --- he's trying to make contact again and is doing the same thing he has been for weeks. I tell her that in order for her to earn my trust back, I should be able to see her email, phone, etc. SHe says she hates the idea of someone monitoring her, she's always been independent,etc.
She closes off and begins to get angry saying "What do you want from me?" "I wish everyone would leave me alone" and "I just want to be alone with my kids". And we leave it there. I tell her I am sorry for having expected too much too soon and repeat my mantra about how this relationship work is going to be difficult. SHe nods and we go to bed.
I think that, despite her efforts to bond with me, WW is obviously in denial/love/withdrawl or something. I know she is making a real try (at least on paper) to reconnect with me. I worry now that I have pressured her too much too soon and may have LBd, expecting her to immediately cease all contact with OM so soon. I think perhaps I should back off, and try to focus on myself, the kids, and her ENs. I am going to try to go through the whole day wo/ mentioning the affair at all.

jgoatboy, I would do all of those things, but I would not back off from the expectation that she end all contact with the OM. Do you realize this affair will be going on forever if they continue to work together? I would address this with her.

In the meantime, I would suggest taking this to someone who specializes in adultery, Steve Harley. He is worth every penny and could assess your situation and give you a plan. Instead of floundering around in the dark waiting for the other shoe to drop, let him give you a plan.

You should also expect that this will be on again, off again for a while. She is not done at all, which was evidenced by her refusal to let you see her emails. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. Right now the affair is in its death throes, so if you have any sign that it has resumed - and it will - send that letter to the partners. You should do that while the affair is on the ropes, in addition to exposing to her family, your family and close friends.

Understood, Melody Lane. From what OMW tells me, OM is in counseling with her and has been told that, if their marriage is to be saved, he can have no contact (e-mails, phone, etc.) with my wife. Of course, he has e-mailed her twice and called at least once. I would tell OMW this but then my wife would find out I'm reading her e-mails and that wouldn't be good. Last night OM forwarded to my wife all the e-mails I had sent OMW! In one of the e-mails, I mention the possibility of an exposure letter to the firm. He is clearly trying to make me come off like the bad guy here, and is also obviously still contacting my wife.
Should I call him and tell him to leave her alone? Or is that pointless?

Also, last night, WW again told me she needs space, can't decide what to do, feels "forced" to be with me because I'm in the house. She feels forced into "working on our marriage" says I am using the kids as leverage against her, feels trapped, etc. She almost convinced me to leave, saying "I don't feel that you love me. If you did, you'd respect my wishes and leave to give me some room to be alone." ARRGGGH! I stayed put, and then this morning she said she was sorry and didn't want me to go.

She is still in withdrawl, but it's going very slowly --- mainly because she still has contact with OM and he won't leave her alone. I feel like I should call him and ask him (non-threateningly) to back off --- that he's making it impossible for either of these two couples to work on their marriages. Is that a good idea? I'm sure he would tell my wife --- and I'm not sure how she'd react.

I know that eventually (perhaps after a little time has passed and WW is a bit de-fogged) we will have to discuss some kind of NC arrangement or job switch. The latter will be a very hard sell, unless my wife gets fired. Is there an NC arrangement that can be made b/w co-workers?

Tell OMW EVERYTHING and tell her daily. Tell her that the OM forwarded all your emails to your W and tell her TODAY so she can watch her back. You have them on the ropes, jgoatboy, don't let up until the affair is DEAD. You have a little window here in which you can do immense damage to the affair. Don't pass up that opportunity! I wouldn't call him, he doesn't give a whit about your feelings.

I would expose this affair to the other partners at work now. And yes, you should explain to your W that this will never work as long as they work together. Get her thinking about what she will have to do to effect no contact.

NOW is the time to get any other exposures done while the affair is in it's death throes. Expose to her family, your family and your friends. Call them up and tell them about the affair. Ask for their support and prayers.

And AGAIN, jgoatboy, smile and tell her if she needs "space" to go in the bathroom and shut the door. That you and the kids aren't going anywhere, thank you. She just wants you gone so she can carry on her affair in peace. Dont' you DARE allow yourself to be manipulated into accommodating her affair!



How can there be no contact if there is still contact? Contact is contact.

Jgoat-

Your wife is having an affair with the senior member of the firm, how can there be no contact? Plus this guy apparently doesn't know the definition as he has continued it. Now, my XW has no contact with the customer she had an A with. Her EA that went PA after our divorce has limited contact and it's all business....she's an officer, he's a saleman....am I totally comfortable? no...is it against teh principles here? yes...but hell...we're divorced...and reconciled..and recovering....everything can't go by the script..it is working for us...but your wife is "still wavering"...and wth contact the wavering will never cease...my XW's deal at her offcie ended on it's own during the period we were divorced...

Follow Mel's advice and EXPOSE.She is an exposure expert here...you have not fully exposed because of your fear of pissing her off....taht's already happened. As far as the OMW goes....print out all the e-mails..keep one for you and send the others to OMW...like the phoenix this this affair will continue to rear it's ugly had until you kill it....and the OMW can help you. Fear of losing your source of information can't be a reason not to try and kill it....you already know she is having an affair and that they are both liars...just assume she remains a liar without the proof...