Faith, I think the fear of their opinion of 'us' is a motivation. But a response to the What do I do question asked by a new poster, who has "JFO'd" is entirely different than the 238402398402394802398409238th "What do I do?" from a hysterical poster who has heard much advice and done nothing to help themselves.

It's why we post to the ones with the eyes closed that is really what I think all of us should examine.

Thanks Pep, for starting everyone's brains goin <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

[quote
((( FIM )))

You were doing the best you could at the time. [/quote]


Thanks, Pep. I know I was. I really try to look back though over the whole marriage and ending of it and try to learn from it. Some of the most amazing insight I've had into my own strengths and weaknesses has come from the months between when I found out about this last affair and when I really came to understand the need to walk away.

I'm learning to forgive myself right along with Dork and OW.

In regards to this thread...I've been thinking about it alot while doing Saturday chores... I'm still thinking about it and am going to be for a while I think.

I have a feeling I'm not going to be entirely comfortable with my own conclusions though. I guess that's the point of introspection though, isn't it?

I think the main reason I try to help folks is because I love seeing them win. It gives me great joy to see someone like Mimi or BobPure follow MB principles and come out victorious. Not saying I personally helped those folks, they were helped by many, but their victories motivate me to help others.

When I look at some of the people who come stumbling in here all bloody and battered, I sometimes see myself in them. And I wish I would have known about this place when my H of 20 yrs left me for another woman in 1999. I could have saved my marriage had I come here and applied these principles.

Maybe that is why I get so passionate sometimes. I understand infidelity now and when I see someone walking off a cliff, I want to stop them so badly! I want them to know there is HOPE and there is way to stop all this. I don't want them to walk off the cliff like I did, out of ignorance and anger.

And sometimes we have people who WANT to walk off the cliff. They like living like that. And that's ok. I just have to learn to walk away from them.

FIM

Those insights are usually the more useful and important ones <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

BR-

I wasn't suggesting that the answer is to stop posting.

I've been there myself and know the tremendous value that those who stuck with me brought to my situation.

I agree that the need is to look at the WHY of why we post.

My greater point, and part of what I had originally written but deleted, was that there IS a driving force to both sides. What is it though? It's different for everyone I'm sure. I'm trying to figure out what it is for me. I'm interested in that answer.

I do think that in SOME instances when good advice is given over and over and over and over again to someone, there may be the need to stop with the filler words and get to the crux of the situation. Just my personal observation and not to the point of this conversation really.

I just wonder if, for me, when I continue to give the same advice to a nonresponsive person if it isn't more damaging and fueling their own inactivity. If so, why do I continue? I must be getting something out of it. What is it?

But I don't advocate not posting. The question is, to me, if it's not working... what could?

Foundareason said:


as do we all


Because Gram is not a drama king.... there is a purpose for his asking for help other than having people pay attention to him.

He is trying to take appropriate actions.


We are not saying "leave and do not contribute" ... we are saying (more accurately I am saying) ... am I helping or hurting someone who only seeks attention by paying attention when there is no evidence there will ever by a plan of action ... then what is MY purpose? To stir more drama? To feel superior? To (shamefully admit) be entertained?

I know, I know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

To (shamefully admit) be entertained?

I'm busted. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I am guilty of having brought the popcorn at times....but someone else brought the drinks!

committed

Mel...

I know .... that is the best.

But also FIM ... to see someone struggle ...work it out ... mentally duke it out with their weaknesses ....and come to the point of realization ...Hey! This is what is best for me.

kewl

You and me both!

**snort** you little drama ho'! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mel<---right next in line to committed

Or at least, not push them off the cliff (just kidding) .. but, I admit, I have been tempted....

now watch ... commited is going to fess up to this as well ... my evil twin committed ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Hey...I can admit it...

I feel liberated!....*~*~*free*~*~* at last!


committed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi.

My name is noodle, and well..I'm not here to help.

>sheepish cough<

I'm not opposed to helping on occasion..certainly not. I am always happy to have been able to help at any time that I have whether consciously or not..but it is seldom the point..at least for me.

I'm more than willing to accept that it is probable that a good proportion of BSs have at least a slight tendancy toward enabling behavior..at least in the marriage relationship..and it is certainly no feat of intellect to say that might transfer here..in this special place of special circumstances that so often closely mirror our own individual ones [wherever we may be on the road].

So I am motivated by that, probably pretty often.

To be entertained as well. Lots of less than altruistic reasons. Lots.

It's the slight arrogance of the assumption that I know what is best..I know whether I'm helping or hurting or having no impact at all..that is the place of divergence for me on this thread.

I find that when I read a thread in it's entirety..particularly the monsters..with all of the perspectives..and all of the posts..and all of the drama..I notice that this is when I become *aware* of the patterns..both in that thread and in my own posts and life.

That is the beauty of a message board. I didn't take an oath to do no harm. I'm not responsible for anyone here at all. I read and I tell you what I think if I'm interested otherwise I pass by. My posts change with my moods and thoughts and are influenced by my experiences in that moment..and that is about all I have to offer. No different than if you approached a complete stranger on the street and asked for their opinion about very private and intimate details regarding your life and choices.

Au balance, I think it works..the people who keep coming back are getting what they seek. Whether I agree with them, or think it foolishness or even dangerous..I can disagree until I'm blue in the face but my opinion is only that. I can choose to withhold..but I can't really assert that it is the right thing to do.

I don't have that much power over the lives of those I speak to, and if I do..their problems are way out of my depth. I can't help them.

Noodle

now watch ... commited is going to fess up to this as well ... my evil twin committed !

*~*~Whistling*~*~* <<<<eye shift>>>> sauntering in the OPPOSITE direction...

La di da....

committed

What was your favorite drama? Mine is always the ones where the BS victoriously takes action so I can cheer them on! I have probably laughed, cried and CHEERED the most at GG's thread. The gamut of emotions I have felt in his dilemma have been extreme. While it was entertaining, it certainly wasn't enjoyable at times. His testimony to the judge brought tears to my eyes and was heartbreaking to read.

It was wonderful to see him take back control of his life, heartbreaking to see him leave his life long mate, and hilarious to read to his descriptions of his dog, Jeb. As in "Jeb and I visited the neighbors and enjoyed it very much." or "we went to the neighbors and read her Bible, not Jeb, he just napped." His Jeb descriptions are some of the funniest things I have ever read here.

Bwhaaaaaaaaaaaa <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I was hoping you'd wander over these here parts and "lay one" on us!

Hiya nood

Noodle said:


Yes. This is a good point.

Faith, I apologize, I referenced you in my post when I meant Foundareason.

I'll go back and edit!

OK, so **I** think the purpose of the HELPER posting is that the HELPER wants so badly to get into the SEEKERS head so maybe THIS time the SEEKER will listen...

It's kinda like a BS taking back the WS time and again...no names mentioned here! But the way they think...THIS time he REALLY means it...he really wants to work on the marriage and give that OW up...

THIS time the SEEKER of the Advice is going to listen to what the HELPER has to say and FINALLY to the right thing!

does that make sense...sorry, if I'm rambling...I was up til 1:00 in the morning with the boys at the Harry Potter Party at Barnes and Noble and I am a bit cranky!