I really am sorry for how your situation appears to be. But note I stress the word appears, because right now, you're dealing with anger and frustration and disbelief and faithlessness and all those issues.

With that said:


Rom 8:38-39 tells us that:

38For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

WHat does this mean? Nothing we can do can cause God to not love us. Nada. Zero. Zip.

Might you be pregnant? Possibly. There is consequences for sin. And belief in God doesn't get us a free pass to skip the consequences. But he is standing there waiting for you to turn back to him.

Remember that God is always concerned about the relationship. And faith in God has *nothing* to do with feeling. If your relationship with God is based on how you feel about it, then it's not the strong faith-based relationship that you could be having.

Keep in mind too that all things work together for good for those that are called according to his purpose. Does this mean that God planned for you to get pregnant? No. But it does mean that God can use this circumstance to draw you closer to him (if you choose it), and since ultimately, it's the relationship with God that matters, and not our circumstance, we can find peace in that.


John 10:10 tells us that the theif comes to steal kill and destroy. Not just physcially, but mentally. Anything (fear, disbelief, human weakness) that can be used to drive a wedge between you and your Creator he will use to destroy you. The Enemy does not want people to be confident of their place with God, he wants them cowering in fear, wondering if God loves them, wondering if there really is a God.

But the 2nd part of John 10:10 also tells us that Jesus came so that we might have life, and have it abundantly. Fear is not abundant life. Disbelief is not abundant life. Worry is not abundant life.

So you can be *confident* that God wants you victorious in any trial and tribulation that is set before you. IN fact, we know that from 1 Cor 10:13

13No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

So OK, you made a mistake in the first test. But you're being tested again, and you can rest assured, there *is* a way for you to get through this, and come out the other side a *stronger*, *better* person.



You could view it that way. But I think there are other options. They're just hard to see right now because of the emotional toil.

Keep talking here, this is a good space for it, and lots of support is available to you.



There is sperm cells in the "pre-ejaculate" or lubricant or whatever you want to call it. So even if he didn't "finish", there's still some little swimmers there somewhere. Unfortunately.

Sunrise,

I so hope you are right! But I just never spot, ever. And I still am, and I'm still crampy. Those, from what I read, would all be very valid signs of pregnancy based on where I am right now. But I admit, I did find one website that said stress can affect hormones enough to cause spotting (doesn't explain the cramping feeling though.) As for perimenopause, I know I'm getting about that age, and I know I've been low on progesterone for years (had to take supplements when pg with my daughter), but I've just been basically regular forever (26-28 days) except for one abnormally short cycle back in January when I only went 22 days. But 20 days is still WAY SHORTER than 22 days. And Im' not having a cycle--it's just very light.

John,

I can't say I'm calm. But I will welcome all prayers for strength for me and resolution for the situation.

MOS,

Yes, adoption is probably the best option. I'm just not sure, even though I don't want another child, that I could give birth and then give it up. I've had 2 children--I understand that mother bond.

Jaye,

I really appreciate your patience in picking apart my post and giving me applicable verses. Maybe this is how God is working and speaking in my life right now--through others who are able to think straight when I'm not, and apply his word to my situation, and really just for all of you on here who are supporting me (not condoning what I did, necessarily) and trying to help me see that it's not the end of the world.

As for the last paragraph of your post, I actually emailed him and asked if I was unaware of anything, and if maybe something escaped before we quit. He is very certain that A) he did not get that far (though yes, there is pre-ejaculate to worry about--different websites say different things as far as whether or not it contains sperm and if so, how many) and B) he really didn't even go as far in as he could have. (But then again, they can swim a distance.)

I wish I'd just turn numb. That'd be better than this.

LL

Well, you certainly sound a bit better.

It woulkd seem that until you get a blood test for pregnancy, short of preparing yourself mentally for either answer, there's not much you can do.

Numbness at first sounds good, because it means we stop feeling. But I submit that this is a tremendous opportunity for you to step back, re-evaluate your faith and your walk, and make some different resolutions about how you're going to proceed going forward. Pregnant or not.

If this turns out just to be a good scare, good. I suspect it'll be a long time before you hear a zipper unzipping on a pair of jeans until well after that new rock is around your finger.

If you are pregnant, there are lots of good options still available to you. And one thing I have learned is that God doesn't reveal his plan to us in one big lump. It gets spoon fed to us when we're ready for it. Baby bites. Probably to keep from scaring us.

I am heartened to hear that you would not consider abortion, that's a very admirable character quality.

I'd encourage you to crack the good book and spend some time in John and Corinthians and work on reprogramming your thinking abit to get rid of those feelings of abandonment or that God is persecuting you.

When you were saved, you became a child of the King. You are not worthless, nor valueless to God. Yes, perhaps a child that made a mistake, but there are no conditions on the love coming from God.

It's up to you to grab on to it, nail the current set of issues up on the cross , repent of the sin that was committed, and throw yourself on God's mercy and grace and let him pick you up and carry you through this.

It reminds me of the picture of the footprints in the sand and Jesus is walking with somebody and there's two sets of footprints, and then after a while, there's one, and the person turns to jesus and asks him why Jesus left him there by himself, and Jesus tells him that he never left, that's when he carried the person...

That same God and Savior is reaching out to you to help you through this. Reach back.

Jaye,

I'm still worried very much, and it wavers back and forth depending on what I'm reading or how bad my cramps are (because they remind me).


I surmise you may be right about that, but the thought I'm dwelling on is the "if I'm pregant, that new rock or new wedding band will never be there..."

Can any of you imagine spending the rest of your life without a partner, without someone to grow old with, without SF ever again? In my head, I know God is there for me regardless, but my heart has never, ever wanted to be a single person. I'm not wired that way.

LL

You sell the King of the Universe pretty short...

If God's plan is for you to be married, do you really think there's anyway ultimately that you're gong to avoid it?

God is not capricious, and he is not sitting up there figuring out ways to mess with your head. But he is waiting for you to develop some faith, and learn to lean on him and trust him to work these things out.

1st Peter 5:7 tells us:

6Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. 7Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Note *in due time*. We're called as believers not to worry.

Psalm 20:1 tells us:

1 May the LORD answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.

James 4:7-8 says:

7Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Come near to God and he will come near to you...

He's there, waiting for you. He's not generally going to club
you over the head with a 2x4. You have to put forth some effort
as well as a sign of obedience.

So I'll ask you again. You obviously want peace, and reassurance,
what's holding you back? Fear (not from God). Doubt (not from God).
Uncertainty (Not from God). See the pattern?


As to getting married again:

Psalm 20:4 tells us:

4 May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.

Mark 11:24 tells us:
24 So I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.


Once you get through this situation, I'd encourage you to seek the Lord's will for you and finding a mate. Dont' be like Abraham, who thought he'd kind of "give God a boost in fulfiling the promise", by screwing around with Hagar, thinking he was helping God fulfill his plan. Doesn't work like that. God's plans work *in spite* of us.

But that's more a topic for a later date.

Can I imagine all that? Of course! It's what I've expected for most of the last several years. It's what I expect now.

I'm not wired that way either.

Lordslady, I'm aware that there's nothing I can really say that is going to calm your anxiety. In your place, I'm quite sure that I'd be stewing in pretty much the same way, and until you get a valid pregnancy (and STD) test, I doubt that you're really going to be able to process everything. So I'll just say hang in there; at least it's only a couple of weeks.

Well, actually I will say something else, in response to a previous comment of yours:

That's rather presumptious of you, lordslady. In all honesty, I can say that I would consider exactly that. I don't feel any great imperative to pass on my own particular genes, and I have even done a little research into adoption with the idea that, if I were to marry someone my own age, pregnancy was going to be rather an iffy prospect. Having never had any children, I would prefer to start from as close to the beginning as possible (for the whole experience) than to jump into children's lives mid-stream. With one set of children close to leaving the next (or at least pretending so), your potential situation is not far from the realistic ideal for someone in a position like mine.

The bottom line is that you can't know what God intends to work out in your life. You can be sure that if you are pregnant, His plan for you must shift somewhat. Such is the consequence not merely of sin but also of free will. (And remember that what's so bad about sin is not that it gives God an excuse to make us squirm, but that it has consequences which make people He loves unhappy. I still believe that God looks for ways to maximize some combination of faith/joy/service in our lives no matter what choices we make, although He must take into account the needs of others as well as ourselves, which is what prevents Him from simply eliminating all negative consequences when He grants His forgiveness.) God is infinitely adaptable, and He has a lot of resources to work with.

lordslady,

1. It is not true that you need to wait until you are a week late to do a urine pregnancy test. You can now buy them in the store that are accurate MUCH earlier. I know for sure they have them for 4 days late, but I think I may have heard about them even earlier.

2. You are totally focused, in an illogical and unhealthy way on being alone and no man ever wanting you. You were this way BEFORE this event took place. Obviously, that wasn't nearly as true as you thought, given the several men who have shown interest in you as of late.

There are PLENTY of men who would want you with a baby, with an out of control teen, with a handi-capped child. I can tell you with certainty that LostHusband would not have been deterred by any of those things had I been in any of those situations. I used to think no man would want to take on a young divorcee with 2 young children. I was wrong. Also, I even new a girl who was pregnant and was in a horrible situation, was going to abort, and her now husband (whom she's just recently met) said no way! Don't do that, I love you and I'll marry you and take care of you and the baby. You'd never know the child wasn't his.

LL, if we can degate Christ's blood that easily, what are we saying about the worth of his sacrifice? If there's anything you should be worried about in your spiritual life, it is your struggle with unbelief.

(((lordslady)))

I'm sorry you are going through this. Keep us updated, good or bad. (And btw, is a child ever REALLY bad??)

I think:

1) You would have had a better meeting w/ #5 if you had postponed it for a couple of weeks. At this point, your desperation and panic is likely to taint the evening.

2) You are not healed well enough from your divorce to be dating. I say this based on your fixation and desperation for a man. Until you are healthier about being with yourself, you probably aren't healthy enough for a partner.

3) You may want to consider an IUD after this. Not that you intend to run around having sex with lots of men. But, you spend a few minutes at the doctor's office and then have a method of birth control that has a very high success rate and will last for the next 10-12 years.

4) You are so stressed out that you are working yourself into a high state of anxiety and messing up your body's natural chemical balance.

So far, I'm still slightly spotting, still have cramps and a backache, and am still fairly convinced of what I was convinced of before, because this is so unusual for me. I did buy a home PG test (actually 3 of them--package deal) and plan on using the first one on Saturday and going from there. I also have an appointment with my ob/gyn office on Monday for STD tests (thought they won't do a PG test there because I'm still won't have hit the date I'm actually supposed to start my period.

I am trying to hang onto all you guys have said, and I so very much appreciate all your support and your concern. I'm not handling it well (obviously!), and need you guys to keep me thinking half straight.

That said though, I had an absolutely awesome night with the guy I met last night (which is going to make it very, very hard if he has to go away). Not awesome in an "I'm going to get in trouble" way, but awesome in "this guy could seriously be relationship material" way. I feel so comfortable with him. We can, and did, talk about everything. There are conversations we had last night that I never could have shared with my husband during our 19-year marriage, out of fear, or just out of total lack of understanding.

We dined, and we walked around a lake in the dark, and we laughed, and we drove around and checked out where his grandparents used to live (he has some ancient memories from my city though has never lived here), and drove by all my houses I've lived in, and talked and laughed some more.

He doesn't have the story on what happened with the infidelity on my part in my marriage--I'm going to have difficulty explaining that and haven't gone there yet. But other than that, he knows pretty much everything about me and my ex, and I know basically the same about him and his.

I'm just soooo scared this PG thing could screw up what could be a very good opportunity. He does maintain that I shouldn't worry so much about being alone for the rest of my life--that for the right person even though he wasn't wanting more kids, if she came along and it was someone he could spend the next 50 years with, that would override all else. I made the "alone" statement again later in the evening, and he looked at me kind of funny and said "LL, didn't you hear what I said before?".

So, I don't know if he means he'd consider going through this with me, or that he really does think there are guys out there.

But I'm going to insert below the email I got from him last night when he got home, which is actually VERY short compared to most emails (just because he was tired), just so you can get a little taste of what he's like:


(I told him about how the guy from northern Iowa had our futures about all planned out, and how we had all these similarities, and then how I found I shared the same name has his deceased sister-in-law, and how the whole situation sort of freaked me out.)

LL

LL,

This has nothing to do with your post or your situation but I feel a need to comment on this:

"I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
Phillipians 4:13

Please take this portion out of that--

(If I would only follow his instructions....)

Your being able to do all things through Christ has nothing to do with "you following His instructions" but everything to do with the indwelling Holy Spirit. He alone gives you strength you just need to rest in that.

TR,

It's done. I didn't mean he'll only give me strength if I follow his instructions. It was more meant as, "Now if I could just follow his instructions..." (that may make no sense). But at any rate...gone.

LL,

Or maybe more, "now if I could only trust more in that truth"

LL,

Hope this puts your mind at ease a bit. When I was pregnant with DS (now almost 4), I had implantation cramping and bleeding - but it wasn't continual, was barely noticeable - certainly didn't result in what I would call "spotting" only a little blood on the tp after I went to the bathroom. The cramping was VERY mild - almost like constipation, not true menstrual cramping. If you are having it for longer that a few hours and it is requires the use of a pad or a change in underwear, I would be very surprised if it is implantation bleeding.

Also, I was 40 at the time of my pregnancy and he is a VERY healthy little boy.

Hope this helps give you some peace,

BB

BB,

In response (and guys or other who are squeamish, you can ignore this post):

I am still cramping today--it's sometimes very mild and then when I sit for a while it becomes more toward moderate (but then again, my pain tolerance is very high because I used to have severe cramps when I was younger). And my back aches, too, off and on. It feels like menstrual cramps.

And yesterday, the spotting was just that--very light--left one tiny spot but other than that just showed up on TP. Today, however, it's gotten noticable enough that it's more like slight bleeding and does require a pantyliner, though is still too light for me to consider it my actual cycle by any means.

All the stuff on implantation bleeding says different things. Some say exactly what you did--that it's barely noticeable and that cramping or backache shouldn't be involved. Others say you can have mild cramping as the egg implants and that the bleeding can be heavier. Some people obviously even have periods when pregnant, but I don't think that's what I'm taking about right now, and I never did with either of my other two.

I am just so wanting to believe there might be a small chance I'm not PG. I know I just met this guy for the first time in person last night, and that doesn't constitute anything in terms of a relationship. But he is just so different from any of the others I've met. It's hard to explain the feeling, but it's just one of those "gut things" where I really don't feel apprehensive about him (and I know a LOT about him)--quite the contrary, I feel very comfortable sharing just about anything with him.

(I can overlook his love for Kenny Chesney and the fact that he doesn't care for contemporary Christian music. We agreed on Tom Petty last night and listened to that while driving.)

LL

LL..

I hope it isn't too late by now for this to be relevent..but here I plunge in anyway.

Let's deal with the physical aspects first. The morning after pill will not abort an existing pregnancy..it is only progestrone..a pregnancy hormone that will make implantation unlikely.

The odds of having a PG from a single incident are about 8%.

The odds are in your favor..however I would personally advise taking the pill anyway because you probably are NOT in a great position to carry and raise another child. Last time I looked your plate was more than full..there is more to be considered and you have spelled it out quite clearly..this is not an ideal or really even an acceptable circumstance to bring a child into intentionally..I agree..years of hardship for the both of you.

If you decide to take the pill a clinic would give it to you immediately..there is probably a womens clinic or family planning clinic in your area..call and tell them you have an emergency..they will not judge you and they will almost certainly be willing to provide what you need.

So having covered that..I'm not sure what all of the hullaballu is about. You had sex outside of marriage, you regret it, it doesn't change your faith or anything really relevent. This incident probably HAS alerted you to a weak and vulnerable area of your life that hopefully you will address when the crisis has abated..seeking out relationships with men who are..shall we say..good entertainment but not life partner material.

Take a deep breath LL. This isn't very likely to be something you back on years from now in shame and despair. Take action. Be tested and deal with the potential PG if that is acceptable to you.

Best wishes,

Noodle

Hey, I can be of some use here. HE MEANS HE WOULD CONSIDER GOING THROUGH THIS WITH YOU!!

LL, I don't know everything, but I do know that he would not have said this if that is not what he meant. God has your situation completely under control, even if it does not feel like it now.

Noodle,

Thanks for your thoughts, but..

First, I can't do the morning after pill simply because I still see it as sort of a chemical abortive agent, because it causes the fertilized egg not to be able to implant. It doesn't necessarily stop fertilization.

Second, I'm WAY past the 72 hour timeframe. That passed last Saturday, so what's done is done.

Aslan,

I would so much like to believe you are right, but I go back and forth. Sometimes, I'd think he was sort of saying "if I think you're the right woman, your issues won't stop me".

But then, like, when he mentioned how on his drive home he had a lot more time to reflect (see the email I inserted in my post), and then started going on about how God doesn't give us more than we can bear, I think he's saying that he's had lots of time to think and to reconsider (because there was no mention in that email of a second date), but that I shouldn't worry, that God won't give me more than I can handle if I am PG.

See, I analyze everything to death. And in this case it's just because he seems so awesome, and the timing is so horrible.

LL

Well, I read his email as very positive. I think he was saying that if you are the right girl, nothing will stop him. LL, God is watching out for you. It was not that long ago that you thought that no man would want a flat chested divorced woman, and you found that your sweet spirit was more important than big breasts. Then you say that no one would want a 40 yo pregnant woman & God let you meet a man who tells you that he would love a woman for who she is, not whether she had a young child.

Perhaps you should stop challenging God & He will stop showing you that His plans are greater than His doubts. God loves you and He will never leave you. If a child is on the way, I believe it will be a blessing you cannot imagine. Even if you decide to give it up for adoption, you will have given it a home. No matter what happens, keep your eyes on God.

I know it is difficult. Every night, I go home to a woman who has told me that she would much prefer that she was wealthy than for me to be happy. She has woken me up screaming an inch from me and punched me in the face and denied doing it. Let me tell you, it is hard to believe that God still loves me and live this way. But I must, and you must, too.

Don't miss one of God's blessings by wallowing in your own sadness. So how is your little girl these days?

I'm a long time lurker, but I felt compelled to post to you. Your symptoms (spotting, backache, cramps) all sound like you are about to get your period. I predict you'll get it, full blown, in the next couple of days.

My periods went from 26 days ( I swore by how regular I was) to 21-24 days when I was stressed.

Good luck LL, but I have a feeling all your worries are for naught......

DW

DW,

I'm trying to be positive about this. Still worrying a great deal, but can't find out for sure for several days yet so am hoping you are right and things happen very soon for me. If not, I'm doing the first of my 3 home pregnancy tests on Saturday, and going to the doctor for STD tests on Monday morning. I definitely am stressed, to the point I was pretty much shaking by last Monday and Tuesday.

Everyone,

On a different note, I will share a couple parts of the most recent email I received from aforementioned awesome guy. I sent him a quick email earlier and happened to mention how I was going to miss his emails next week when he was on Ragbrai, because he was spoiling me with writing daily. He just sent this about 45 minutes ago. I haven't responded yet, but just wanted to share. (Did I mention how much I really like him???)


He wrote another novel, answering all the questions I'd come up with since last night like my asking him what his top 4 things are that he's looking for in a partner, his feelings on blending families, and other stuff.

And then he ended it with this (I'd asked him if he cared to explain what he was reflecting on during his drive home.)



I really don't want to screw this one up guys! Maybe I'll find out he's an axe murderer, but it feels really right at the moment. Please pray for me that this all works out. I don't deserve it based on what I did. I deserve consequences.

LL