I personally think it does no good to debate whether the letter should have been read, whether Coach should have left or anything else that happened at the wedding and reception. It's not productive and does nothing but torment a man who is suffering from unimaginable pain. Talk about pouring salt into a wound...

Coach, know that you are in my thoughts and prayers as well as your family. You obviously have a family that adores and supports you and friends galore.

Each person has to recognize the part they played in the breakdown of the relationship of this family.

It may feel like salt in a wound and it may sting, but it may also help cleanse and heal the wound.

No progress can be made until each person accepts their responsibility and makes amends. You cannot fix what you refuse to acknowledge and confront.

To just pat him on the back and say "there, there Coach" does him no good at all.

Susan

Coach,

I don't recall if I have posted to you before. But, I have been reading your story since you came here. A lot of thoughts went through my mind, when I read your update. Probably the most consistent thought is that you are 180 degrees out of wack in your response although all could not be argued about.

1. You find out about your W's new EA, but rather than truely standing your ground and making her face it (if it was NOTHING why was it a secret?) You keep repeating that question over and over and over, until she faces it. OR she doesn't and then you file for divorce. But, rather you went the a different route. You said if they come to the wedding I won't come. You should not have give your daughter the choice. YOU were throwing the wedding, you can determine who will be there with you and you should have.

2. As for your daughters statements, I think you should have stayed and I think at the brunch you should have addressed them with her even if to say to her she is a "spoiled princess". OR to wish her a husband that treats her as well as your W has treated you and leave it at that.

Why am I rehashing water over the dam? Because you are still arguing with your W although you have apparently filed for divorce. You need to tell her that she has to accept the divorce because she would NOT accept that you cared what men she ran around with and that she did lie to you. End of discussion.

The issue of your D, is much more serious. Several of the ladies have posted with their dissatisfaction about your response. Do you know why? Because whether she deserved it or not, your D's honeymoon is probably not what it should have been because she did NOT know what happened to you. She may say she doesn't care, but I am betting dollars to donuts, that it bothers her greatly. Further, she KNOWS she was way out of line, further she is your D, not your W, although the two of them seem to have an eerie disregard for reality.

If I were you I would speak with your D as soon as she gets back. Apologize for leaving the wedding, but don't close the sentence with "but...". The reasons were evident just apologize and tell her you would like to keep the lines of communications open. That would have helped when your W was running around out here, up I live on the "left coast", and it will help you and DD's relationship even if you never decide to agree on a thing. Open the lines and offer to keep them open. You will be happy you did.

As for your W's delusional expectation that OM will need an apology from you, don't bother to address it. Just look at her shake your head and move on. Since the divorce is underway it really makes little difference what she thinks. IN her mind, and EA is not an EA, and she also probably thinks oral sex is not sex. But the point is, be civil to her, but maintain your boundaries.

Keep your other children out of this as much as possible and do NOT bad mouth your W or your other daughter to them.

Those are my thoughts on the matter. I hope at least a few of them are of help to you.

God Bless,

JL

Coach,

I feel for you after the sumptuous wedding and the orchestra from NY and all the love and happiness felt by all, to be so sorely wounded by Laura's viper's tongue DURING THE FATHER DAUGHTER DANCE, my God! Why did that happen to come to the top of her pointy little head? She just got married for cripes sake. She should have deleriously happy..with everyone...especially to "schmuck paying the bills".

Laura is the poster girl for "ungratefull, spoiled little princess.

It sounds like you are in a very good place right now..Boston.

""I’ve been swimming at all the beached I used to go to as a kid…Cranes Beach, Plum Island, Half Moon Beach…I’ve gorged myself on boiled lobster, clams, haddock, cod and even smelts! LOL Steamers galore and sweet corn have become a staple…and of course beer…ice cold beer.""

GOOD FOR YOU COACH!

I have to stop now and wipe the drool off my keyboard.

Thanks for keeping us informed.

k

EDITED TO ADD: Pep, I think the letter Coach's wife read was a requirement that Coach made..that his wife write and read the letter...at the wedding. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Coach,

I just wanted to add that from my POV (understand it is only based on what I read), the apology is owed to your son-in-law, his family, your children and your relatives (brother, etc.).

The bride and your W created the environment which caused your exit. I do understand and while maybe staying would have saved someone some egg off their face, the pain of staying could have been excruciating. So I do understand your exit.

Realize it is their mess to clean up. Your daughter has a lot of growing up t/d. NO one was prepared for her actions so the reactions were also unprepared. As a result not enough support was in place in time.

Now Coach, you sound like you are in turmoil over this and a bit fed up. Calm down before making any life changing decisions. I am not going to talk you out of the D or into the M. Just to give yourself that time to really decide which way to go.

Here's a measuring tool: As long as your W is talking about how it all is inconvient or hard on her and she is not caring about how it is all affecting you, then the D seems inevitable. Re; In her heart, she is still a WS. Even if there is no current EA or PA.

JMHO,
L.

It was his requirement, and my thoughts were that it sucked.

I think requiring her to do this on the wedding day when everyone was supposed to be happy and excited and focusing on the bride was inappropriate.



That day was NOT about HIM and his wife or a time to rehash their history. Spoiled princess or not (and princesses do not become spoiled unless someone spoils them ~ but that's a whole 'nother topic) it was her wedding day and it was a day to celebrate their union and bless them and their future as man and wife.

That could have waited, just as making a scene and leaving the wedding could have waited.

I think he owes her an apology. And she may owe him one as well, but we are not talking to her here, we are talking to Coach.

Susan

You should not have give your daughter the choice. YOU were throwing the wedding, you can determine who will be there with you and you should have.

JL,

That's not the way it works...It was HER wedding. He was paying for it (as tradition usually dictates) but it isn't HIS to pick and choose the guest list.

That being said...

How a girl's wedding day could turn into such a fiasco is sad. She should have been tending to her self...with others tending to her too. Instead, everyone had to sit and listen to a letter filled with the dirty laundry of their parents...how disgraceful....besides being utterly tacky.

My first thought was "what a bunch of scene-stealers". This day was supposed to be all about her...and that didn't happen.

The strangest and most ironic part is...that coach was debating whether or not to leave his daughter standing there (by NOT attending) to begin with. She would have been standing there without her father to walk her down the aisle...what a slap in the face.

It seems that she got her own slap in...she left HIM standing there on the dance floor. It was a day full of one-up-man-ship if you ask me...but still the saddest thing in this world that no adults seemed to be present.

It makes me also wonder if maybe the groom's parents asked the groom if he was sure that he wanted to be a part of a family filled with such drama.

JMHO
committed

Great post....I think you hit the situation right on the head. Too much reacting and not enough thinking going on. Meanwhile the real instigator "the mother" sits back and just tries to put the best spin on things rather than laying herself on the sword and excepting responsibility as being the catalyst for all this. The groom and his family must really be wondering what they got themselves into!!

At this point, it's all damage control. I really, really hope my DD never wants a big wedding. It's just too stressful for everybody involved. I'm sure it was wonderful but overwhelming. It will be interesting to see if the bride has had a chance to do anything while in Bali.

(((( Coach ))))

I have few words of advice to give. But I do believe that I was able to give you your first hug since returning !! Hope that makes you feel a little bit better. Lord knows you probably need a great big hug about now. Consider it done !!

My best to you - Carnation

Committed,

I will stand by my statement because I believe in the golden rule "He who has the gold makes the rules". Having said that,
I do think you articulated very well what I was struggling to say.

A lot of this could have been avoided had the adults in this mess acted like adults starting with Coaches W, the major culprit in my book, Coach, and yes Laura. However, the wedding day was not the day to address these issues.

I think your comment that Coach was contemplating the same sort of thing is very cogeent to this discussion and the path that needs to be followed to heal father and daughter.

No true resolution can be made without acknowledging this fact.

Good post.

God Bless,

JL

I still stand by my post. Arguing about this letter is like trying to unring a bell. It's amazing when Coach posted that they were going to read this letter, who at that time posted any advice against it. (coach's June 22nd post at 7:40) I went back and re-read and I noticed many who now are saying this letter was horrible, didn't say a thing about it then.

Coach left the wedding. Nothing can undo that event either. It seemed obvious to me that Laura didn't want him there and what option did he have. It will be a day/an event that will haunt this family forever and the sad thing about the whole situation is that person most responsible seemingly is clueless about the damage.

I will say 'there, there' to Coach. My heart breaks for him. I've never known in my life that to comfort someone in great pain to do "no good at all." That's sad.

This family has been so damaged by the careless actions of persons so lacking in character that it boggles the mind.

Folks, if you're interested, may I suggest that you read the post I've just written on the other thread? And may I also beg your collective indulgence(s)and request that given the time...you all (especially you Committed) go back to the beginning of that post and re-read it from the perspective I suggested?

I must say, that to have my current life…and the situation it’s in…reduced to the simple concept of "one-ups-man ship"… is a some what daunting thought…

So according to this analysis, I need only come to terms with my anger…anger invoked by her getting to “do it to me before I got to do it to her” to solve my problems? This is the crux of your assessment…?

Thank you all for your comments.
Coach

Coach,
Have been reading your posts with great interest. My DD got married the 9th of July and her father threatened not to walk her down the aisle because of a man that I invited to the wedding. I didn't know there was going to be a major problem and I was accused of doing this on purpose to get even with him for having an affair and breaking up our 26 year marriage to be with someone young enough to be his daughter.(yeah - I would say that would be an even trade)??? I did everything I could to make her wedding amazing and there is no way I would have done this on purpose. He confronted this man in a local coffee shop - he said to him - I need to know right now if you are going to the wedding - because if you are I'm not???? This gentleman had already sent his RSVP back no - come to find out it was because of my exes girlfriend - she had a thing for this guy before my ex - so there you go. I guess I'm telling you all of this because to me you had a reason not to walk her down the aisle - and a good one and you bucked up and you did it and were proud to do it and I just find it appalling what she did to you. My dd was so grown up about this whole thing - it devastated her that her father would call her and tell her that - and yep - that's what he did - called her a month before the wedding to give her this ultimatum - when she really had nothing to do with it. So my ex walked her down the aisle - no apologies and no smiles - either when they were walking down or in any of the pictures - he actually left her at the alter with no kiss at all. Makes me sick to think about it. He had already refused the father-daughter dance.
I just wanted you to know that I know you must be hurting and I totally understand you leaving the reception. I know a lot of people feel differently. But I think you were willing to let it all go for that day and try and give your daughter the best wedding possible and I am so sorry she did that to you.