I really worry about her -

All she ever mentions on that forum is becoming a young mom; all she mentioned about OM to her friend was "family man this, family man that" In the last part of our marriage all she ever talked about was a baby - she never wanted to have sex unless she wanted me to get her pregnant; towards the end I felt used.

She was caught in the middle of a nasty divorce during her early years; her parents both neglected her; shes willing to give up her college in order to have a baby; saying such things as - we dont need money to be happy, material things dont buy happiness. She had unprotected sex with everyone she was with in HS - and, I noticed this before we were married; she feels no need to use protection saying "Well, if I get pregnant it was meant to happen." Even before we were married and we had sex; all she kept saying was "Spill your seeds in me; you wanna make a baby in me?" Stuff like that.

She has an unhealthy obsession with becoming a mom young and it terrifies me; especially after seeing all of her ex's use her; she picks horrible guys to be with - I'm the first one thats never used her; never hurt her or ditched her after having sex with her. I gave her my complete and undivided attention when we were together - I think this is why she was so quick to marry with me; I know for me, it had to deal with issues like this...the last thing I want is for her to ruin her life by getting pregnant with some OM's kid who doesnt care about her; shes already throwing away school.

This is how bad it is - on her baby forums she said, "I'm surprised I havent gotten pregnant yet, not even in high school; I would have thought by now I would have. I've been really careless."

Even her own step-mom told me she was worried as hell that Shan would have gotten pregnant in HS and that it was a MIRACLE (wow choice of words) that she hadnt yet.

Well, it happened about seven months ago, maybe more. We don't actually know if it was a miscarriage because we never went to the doctor and we dont know what a miscarriage is like; but it was very, very odd.

She was nearly a month late on her period and she was feeling very sick and nausicous. She had class on the day it happened and I didn't so I was already at home. When she came home, she had this very concerned look on her face and came running into the house; didnt say anything to me and ran into the bathroom - I could see blood all over her pants; didn't know what it was. When she came out of the bathroom she was holding something in her hand, it was almost like tissue; a big blob of stuff there was blood everywhere - she was in a panic. She had told me that she went to work, and blood started, almost gushing out of her like it had never happened before, and that that tissue stuff, whatever it was "almost like a little fetus" came out of her; she said it was so bad she had to run home; it had practically soaked through her pants. She was really scared; I was shell-shocked.

I have always wanted to be a daddy, especially after going through what my parents put me through (or for that case, didnt put me through). We made a promise to each other when we got married that we'd always be there for our kids; and that we'd be the best parents in the world. Our biggest ambition in life has been to have a good, strong, loving family with a strong bond together and ties - something both of us never had. Although - we also promised each other we'd never divorce if we got married; sure see how that promise has held up on her end...

When she wanted to have kids, I was extremely excited; but I couldnt show it, because I was first of all, terrified of having kids at such a young age when we were both in school. The last thing I wanted was to not be ready for it and end up making a decision that would hurt my wife and my kids in the long run, so I backed out - she got extremely pissed off at me for this telling me I "wasnt dedicated to us" and that "I wasnt a family man".

i have no idea where to begin trying to expose this affair...its something that needs to happen though.

Ahhhhhh, FoxOr...I really wish I had more time today...I am packing my stuff up to levae tomorrow for my wedding (LostHusband is my fiance, wedding on Saturday!). But as someone who married young (18), had kids young (19) and had 2 miscarriages, I really feel that I would like to explore this whole side of your situation with you. I am sure that this is so much more connected to all your marital problems than you may have considered up to this point.

My XWH said some of the things you just said, as far as being scared, etc. Granted, I was not even close to as obsessed as your wife seems to be, but some of the same dynamics existed between me and XWH.

I realize that this thread is about getting help with exposure, so maybe we vcan take this conversation to another thread.

If you would like, you could start by telling me what it was like emotionally, after that incident happened. Did she cry a lot? I am guessing it would have been difficult to grieve, especially for you, since there was never medical treatment and an official diagnosis of miscarriage.

BTW, your wife should STILL be checked out even now. She should have seena doctor when it happened. If it was a miscarriage, which it sounds like it was, then the doctor needs to make sure than all the tissue was expelled, or it could become infected. This could end up causing her to be infertile (also could have caused death, but obviously there were no major complications since she;s still alive).

Also, has she ever been tested for STD's? You mentioned her having unprotected sex a lot. Chlamydia is the most common STD in women and there are usually no symptoms. However, left untreated, scar tissue develops in the fallopian tubes causing problems such as infertility, ectopic pregnancy, etc. That could actually be why she never got pregnant in high school...

Dude... talking about becoming a Mom and divorcing? Yikes. Usually the idea is to provide a young life with a stable family...

I hate to point this out...

But I think your WW is having logic short circuits.

Yep. Nutso.

I would not send any more emails to her. She will quite probably not give them more than a quick scan and will likely NOT get a single point you are trying to make.

Instead, she will turn it all around and use it to support her current perspective.

Any vets who disagree with me should feel free to jump in anytime.

What you should be doing here, Fox, is backing off. Look to the Lord for support and guidance in YOUR life. Focus on YOUR relationship with God. If you have to be the 'faithful husband without a wife' for a while, then do it. If you have to be faithful to someone who is in the act of betraying you, then do it. Look at what Christ did for us! We mocked Him, beat Him, crucified Him and still in the end, he stayed true to His faith and gave up His life for us!!! To the end, he was faithful to us and loved us, even though we didn't want it.

What you should be praying for now is that kind of Grace. God's guidance will come later when you are ready to hear it.

But first things first.

Stop being frantic about this. Learn to let it go. (and believe me... I know that's easier said than done)

Focus on YOU. What YOU are doing. Take this time to grow, make changes in yourself that you want to make. You don't need to tell your ww about these changes. She will see them when she's ready to see them, and not a moment before.

Take care, bro.

J

Emotionally she was upset; she seemed saddened by it; I was indifferent not knowing if it had truly been a miscarriage or not; but thinking back on it and realizing that I might have been a father by now makes it a whole lot more real.

My W was also diagnosed with Graves disease a week before we got married; I have read that this can cause infertility as well. Everything she has done in her life has led me to believe that she SHOULD have gotten pregnant by now; but she hasn't. We had sex for nearly a year without protection and 6 months without BC and she never got pregnant. I know my wife has had a least one STD from previous contact with men - she gave me HPV. I know it was from other people because I was a virgin when I married her - she had been with a total of 6 men, 7 including me - at least 6 are the ones I know about.

I got tested for HIV after I found out she gave me HPV, and I was irrate. I asked her before we had sex if she knew 100% that she was clean and she told me she was. She had cryotherapy done after her pap came back abnormal; she hasn't been checked since. I have shown no outward signs of the HPV since she gave it to me nearly a year ago; so I am hoping my body killed it off.

I never got the HIV results because I lost my ID number, I havent gone back since.

I worry extremely about my W - I don't want to see her throw away her life. As sad as this sounds - if she is infertile, I see it as a blessing from God; otherwise she'd have like 10 kids by now. Either that or she's extremely unlucky; but I sense fear in her. She broke down crying one night in our bedroom because she was afraid that she was infertile; she almost sounded as if life wasnt worth living if she couldnt have kids. I had never seen her so upset before in my life; she was hysterical.

Dewt -

I can't simply "let go".

I made a promise to this girl; I looked her in the eyes and told her I would NEVER abandon her. I don't care how badly she hurts me in the process, until I have solid proof that she is having an A - I will not give up on her.

As far as letting go and letting her be unfaithful; although I don't want to let her do this - if its what it takes for her to realize that I was her best choice; maybe its what I need to do. Some things she tells me though concern me,

things like, "Maybe I have to meet other people to realize that you're the best man for me"

or

"I will do a separation, but I dont want to feel binded to you in any way shape or form. If I meet someone I want to be able to meet someone."

Ugh...why do I have to love her so much? Anyone else I have talked to has told me to drop her like a bad habit; theyve been telling me this for awhile - but I've seen her potential; I've seen how good of a heart she has; she just doesn't THINK.

This love is both a blessing and a curse; I can't decide which its more of.

This has been going on for a long time dewt. Especially when I've told her how concerned I am about her mind state and explain how void of thought her reasoning is; she tells me to shut up - that there is nothing wrong with her, and that I need to go to counseling.

*blink* *blink*

Did I just post that. [/cold shivers]

If I had a quarter for everytime someone wrote that to me I'd be posting this from the caribean.

I can't believe I just posted that... but I gotta admit... it's kinda good advice...

J

Well, ya see my point then. If, deep in her heart, she didn't already know that she was doing wrong, you wouldn't get that kind of reaction.

And you also see my point that trying to 'educate her' is an absolutely useless and counter-productive exercise. (BTW, this falls into the category of 'Disrespectful Judgement' and is something to avoid while you are in Plan A... and yes, this is the case even if you have a valid point. Especially if you have a valid point.)

J

Unfortunately,

Not everyone has the amazing ability to completely shut out the person they love more than life itself, if that was the case, I'd be living it up right now.

I think, however, that moving on the Plan B is what this must come down to. I will take her out for her birthday, show her a good time; have fun and be genuine - and then she's on her own. This is something she's going to have to discover on her own - I'm not helping the situation any.

From a Christian perspective, this is what I see;

Satan has your Wife under his influence. Having his hooks into her, he will try to get under your skin using fear, the pain of betrayal and insecurity as his weapons.

You must protect yourself and pray for your W. If you get sucked into constant losing battles with her, it will just serve to weaken you.

Right now, she is not your W. You cannot reach her. It is up to her to find her way back to you.

Your job is to make sure that you are there when she gets back. And more than that, your job is to make sure that you take the opportunity inherent in this tribulation to stregnthen your faith and grow closer to God. In doing so, you will not only be building your character and core stregnth but providing an attractive option to the choices she's currently exercising.

You're gonna need patience though...

...and staying power.

This is a marathon, not a sprint race.

J

How am I supposed to do this when she's throwing away school - inherently destroying us financially in many ways if she does come back..

If she isn't infertile, she will odds up, get pregnant while she is away from me - at least things with her point towards this; and I don't think I'd be able to live with OM's baby in my life as a constant reminder of my wife's infidelities; not to mention being away from my W at school is going to rip me a new one - how am I supposed to focus on school and myself when I have this itching feeling in my heart that she's out messing with guys...

I already suffer everyday and I'm within driving distance of her. I can't imagine what this will be like once that changes.

Well, to let you in on a little of my personal history... MANY of the veterans here won't even post to me because of the magnitude of the mistakes I've made over the past year and a half. And all of my mistakes were born of the kind of thinking/perception that you are locked into right now.

I tried to 'move on' twice and had 2 ONS. Each of these dramatically pushed me away from my ultimate desire of saving my family. My W is moving out (again) at the end of August. The affair is over (pretty sure) but she is still leaving. I believe that had I not blundered so badly, things might be turning out differently.

So keep in mind, pleeeeaaaase... that I'm not 'preaching' at you from a position of righteousness. I'm one of the worst sinners out there and am only trying to save you from the pain and destruction that I've learned (all too well) comes from unrighteous living and making big decisions based on fragile emotions.

J

I have never been unfaithful to my W, nor will I be -

Is there something inherently wrong with not being able to simply act like my W isn't affecting me directly by her actions?

I think I'm just going to call my W now...im sick of her hiding from this stuff and then accusing me of ignoring her when I don't make any effort.

I dunno what to say, m'man, except that God made you stronger than you think you are.

He also promises, in the Bible, not to give us more than we can handle.

I've lived through things in the past 2 years or so that I never, in a million years, thought I could live through and remain sane.

And yet, here I sit. Sane as uh... er...

ok...

never mind that.

The point is that God will not give you more than you can handle. You will, if you choose to, surprise yourself with reserves of stregth and resolve you never knew you had.

And maybe, just maybe, that's WHY God is allowing this to happen. Perhaps, in his infinite wisdom, he knows that in your life you will need to have these reserves to draw upon. Perhaps he's doing this to make you strong, bring you closer to Him... I dunno... it's just a thought. (One that I apply often to my own situation)

J

Post deleted by Fox0r

FoxOr,
Because I am such a rush today and am about to leave town, I can't really post much. I would like to revisit this when I return.

For now I will just say that your wife is a MESS (duh, right?) and that you really need to have a full battery of tests done to see what she may have given you, including getting another HIV test done if you can't find the ID #. Knowing how many men she had unprotected sex with, and trusting her word that she was "clean" was putting yourself in a lot of danger. Even if she thought she disease free, she couldn't possibly have known without testing. You have to be responsible for YOU, Fox.

It sounds very possible to me that your wife has fertility problems, which could have been caused by her own promiscuity and irresponsible sexual behavior. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Either that or the Graves, or a combination of both.

Then again if that truly was a miscarriage, that shows that she can at least conceive.

Obviously, having a baby SHOULD be the furthest thing from her mind right now. But if a woman has a deep desire for children, then the fear that she may be infertile is definitely enough to cause panic and tremendous distress.

Dealing with these issues of when to have children, her fertility, etc, need to be a strong consideration to you and especially in recovery. It's my feeling that the issue will need to be dealt with very soon into the recovery process, because it seems like something that could become a huge obstacle again.

It is obviously something that needs to be POJA'd, but it seems as though your wife may not be capable of that on this issue. She definitely needs counseling in this matter.

As to her concerns about inferitility, at some point, this is something you should show 150% support on. If at all possible, taking the initiative to help her get a full range of tests done to see if she has any remaining STDs, any blockage of the fallopian tubes, or hormonal imbalances caused by Graves. It would help give her peace of mind as well as helping the marriage by you showing support.

Fox, your wife seems very unstable and you were right to be scared of becoming parents so soon into your marriage and so young. It is hard! It's hard enough for a stable marriage or a stable woman. The issue of whether to have kids or not was a huge dividing factor in my previous marriage. However things turned out differently for us because I was very fertile. That creates a whole new set of problems.

As far as the miscarriage goes, she may very well have been or is still going through a grieving process similar to one you go through when a loved one dies or any traumatic loss happens. That is normal. If you have not shown much support, that has been a huge withdrawal from her love bank. HUGE. When my XWH showed little support or sadness when I lost triplets and then another pregnancy, it changed my view of him forever. I felt unloved, uncared for, not understood. I felt he didn't care that he lost children, and that he was unfeeling and selfish. I was grieving and he just wanted me to "get over it" so his life could go back to normal.

The only thing that I can see helping you guys on this issue is some serious counseling (mostly for her).If this issue isn't dealt with, I cannot imagine a successful recovery...

OK that was way more than I intended to say, but I couldnt leave without addressing it.

Good luck on exposing!

Are there any females on who would be willing to call her work for me and ask for her? If she is you can simply hang up - if not, then it won't look like I was calling for her.

I need to find out about this A.

Any wives out there willing to help me out on this one?