Uhhhh FOX, ARE YOU LISTENING??? I saw your last post when I posted my last reply. Listen to the people who are giving you great advice.

DO NOT CALL HER, you are shooting yourself in the foot.

No - i mean calling her work to see if she is at work. I don't want to call.

I need someone to see if she is at work so I can work on exposing a possible A.

Fox,
you are right. You cant do this without hurting. But you know what you can do this if you allow GOD to do it for you. Surrender this to God! You cant do it alone. And I mean COMPLETELY surrender this to Him! He will take it from you and guide your thoughts and your actions. There is an unbelievable amount of power in submitting to Him and His will! But, you have to completely submit to be empowered. Sounds crazy I know. But believe me it is true!
Dont call her. Let God's hand work in your situation. And submit yourself to His will. He will provide. You just gotta let him. This is all about "transformation through trouble" (search for that thread). Remember, God promises to take whatever evil there is in our lives and turn it around and use it for good. We just have to let him.

If she picks up, whoever it is could just hang up - or you could ask for her, then hang up when she gets to the phone.

Or am I trying to expose in the wrong manner? Obviously, if she is out - she isn't with her mom or dad - they both work; and the only real friend she hangs out with is working today.

Fox,
maybe she is just not answering by choice. You are going to drive yourself crazy with all this. It might mean absolutely nothing at all. Settle down.

yeah...

im going to get off of here - last thing i need to be thinking about is this stuff.

The fact remains that she got extremely hostile over my last email to her which shows fear. 99.9% of anger stems from fear; I have nothing to worry about.

I'm going to go out with some friends. Thanks for everything guys...I attribute my 'volitility' to lack of experience and maturity - would I be acting this way if I was 50 and not 20?

I think I've made a decision on what I want to do; but I want people to give their input before I go through with it.

I will take my WW out for her birthday and will treat her like a queen, however I will avoid intimate contact and relationship talk.

I am now leaving for school on August 13th, not the 20th.

I think its time to make my W make a decision - either she is committed to us or she isn't - she committed to us knowing where I was going to school; and my ultimate goal in life is to start a family with a woman who is 100% committed. After all, if she doesn't love me; she will have no problem going through with the D. If she wants a career and a loving husband - then she can commit; however, I think it is time to tell her that she's either committed or she isn't.

If she wants to try counseling and wants to fix things up, she has to be committed, none of this 20/80 stuff. I need to set boundaries as a man and a husband, and if I'm going to move on with my life; I can't spend it worrying about what she is doing or how she is throwing away her wonderful opportunities.

I will also tell her that if she decides to D, then I'm gone for good - there will be no 'second try' - she knows I am capable of being a good husband, and she knows I will make a good father; if she wants to venture into the unknown and risk being used again over me, then so be it. But the time has come, she needs to woman up and stop avoiding this.

bumped

Alright now foxor, as you may have read my posts to gramm on getting pregnancy tests is that I'm all about lifting people up with some entertaining ideas.

Well if you wife shall we say "freaked" at the sight of your changed signature I suggest that if you do ever send her another email sign it "love Noliving" or "love No1living"

Because she stopped doing the love thing and you could start using love in your sig line and if she "freaked out" over the changed name just think of how much she will "freak
out" over the name "Noliving or No1living".


Now when it comes to your wifes birthday thing, first off don't avoid relationship talk or intimate touches. If she wants to talk about relationship talk than talk about it, if she wants to touch you intimately than let her touch you but make sure it is her making all of the moves first.

However though if you have boundaries that are is related to those subjects than by all means enforce them.

i dont know -

Signing my name -A again was probably viewed as disrespectful in her eyes.

I dont even think I care anymore; anything I do to her right now pisses her off.

I stay around, she gets pissed -

I tell her I want a divorce, she gets pissed -

It's a lose, lose now.

Excellent. No need to treat her like a queen, just be very enjoyable company.


Probably a good idea if you can use that time to prep for when your class starts. Getting away from the situation sometimes does the betrayed some good (in a plan B kind of way). Just make sure you don't waste that time stressing out.


Man, every one who is married makes that very decision every single day. Having made this mistake twice already, my input would be to emphatically urge you not to demand this kind of decision from her.

You have every right to, but the results will be quite predictable. Also it will do damage for 2 reasons:

1) it is a selfish demand (according to Plan A)
2) when she reacts to being forced into a corner and declares "no", it will reinforce her withdrawal from you.

And we also know that wether she's having an affair or not she is not behaving in a very 'committed' way. Only ask a question you already know the answer to if it's going to help in some way.


Now you're talking. At this point, for your marriage to move forward, she has to find that committment. And YOU, my friend, DO need to learn to set some boundries, and not just set them, but just as importantly enforce them in a way that's healthy and will earn your W's respect without driving her away.

And you definitely need to keep your life moving. And if you spend your time worring about what she's doing, you will be shooting yourself in the foot.


These are not things you need to tell her. These are things you should simply know in yourself. One way = inner stregnth, the other way = a threat.

So that's my input. I tried to be blunt and honest. I hope I didn't offend...

I feel the need to ask you a few questions...

What is your goal here?

How would you like all this to turn out?

What would you like to see happen?

J

Ok.


To get my wife back.


Better than it is.


For my wife to be herself again and stop pulling all this immature [censored]. How in the name of God Almighty am I supposed to go back to school still married to her when she tells me things like, "If we do a separation, I don't want to feel binded to you - I want to be free to meet other people if necessary. Its not right for me to condone that; but if I tell her no, she'll just leave - so...?

WW: "If we do a separation, I don't want to feel binded to you - I want to be free to meet other people if necessary."

Fox: "Well, we are married, and as such we are bound together, separated or not."

(pause for uncomfortable silence)

WW: "But, I want to be free to meet other people if necessary."

Fox: "I understand, but you are a married woman. I don't really have the authority to over-ride that. I don't know what to tell ya."

(I'd just love to know what the heck she means by 'necessary', but I'd let that one go anyway)

If I were you I'd keep conversations with her pretty short. When/if she comes around, that could change, but for now, while she's fogged, extended conversations will only needlessly challenge your patience. Anti Fog babble is kind of like guerilla warfare. You get in, make your move and get out (hopefully) before someone starts shooting back at you.

The main thing is that if your goal is to get your wife back... well then everytime you feel the need to make a decision, ask yourself if your actions will bring you closer to your goal. If you have any doubt, then don't do it before you come here and write about it, or go see your pastor and talk about it, or something like that.

Peace, bro.

J (Oh, and the J stands for Dewt, and I don't mean any disrespect by it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />)




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Fox,
as others have said, back away from the ultimatum talk. You are extremely early in this process, if you want your wife back. I am 6 months into this with very little sign from my WW that she is shaking loose from the hold that the evil one has on her. There are little signs, but nothing definite. All we can do right now is to try and be the lighthouse that our spouses will use to find their way back, if and when they decide they want to turn away from their destructive paths. This is a very difficult road we have chosen to stand for our M's. But in the end, we must go through this process with dignity. This dignity will allow us to grow as children of God, and in the end no matter the outcome, we will come through this better men than we were at the outset. Stay strong. Stay faithful and know that something great awaits us on the other side of this ordeal.

Just quoting this to reinforce it... Tex, I wish I'd seen that 6 months into my ordeal. At six months, I was still grasping frantically. Only now, almost two years after the affair started, am I starting to realize that being faithful DOES lead to something great... regardless of wether the marriage is saved or not.

J

Fox,

I might have missed it but...have you found proof of an A?