PS I am not in your time zone. For me, it's 11:30pm.

I guess that's when children come into play with the decision and the feeling of hope. Since we have none, I feel as if I have less to regret about. You don't need to have that constant contact with the WS re: the kids or their schedules and it gets easier and easier to be more and more detached. It's both good and bad in any case. It's bad for saving the marraige when the WS (like mine) is already detached and won't be out of the fog till a spaceship from Alpha Centauri really comes and beams him up.

Good thing about digging dig re: the "me" that you were in yr 20's. She's still there somewhere. You do have yr own dreams too right? Now it's time to build on those!

~A

Luna,

Glad you like the {{hugz}}. When I 1st came here all damaged and in great despair....more like shock, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> A beautiful MBer told me to do the following:

Take your right hand and put it on your left shoulder. Go ahead, no one's looking. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Then take your left hand and put in on your right shoulder. Now squeeze both your shoulders......there you just received a hug from me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Silly as it sounds, I did as I was instructed. It worked. My tears of sadness turned to joy and I realized at that moment, I was not alone. There were others that understood the chaos I was experiencing and I was not crazy.

I share that experience in hopes it can be as helpful to others as it was to me. I will never forget the kindness shown to me here.....and the periodic MB slaps which brought me back to my senses. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Update.

I actually made it through the night. I have read my last post and want to apologize for it being SOO long (I am no James Joyce!).

To Ashley88: Thanks for your post.

quote:---------------------------------------------------
...that's when children come into play with the decision and the feeling of hope.
---------------------------------------------------------
and also the courage to 'consider' recovery of M (if ever)!

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
Good thing about digging dig re: the "me" that you were in yr 20's. She's still there somewhere. You do have yr own dreams too right? Now it's time to build on those!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, a major one was having a family! I guess I need to move on to the next one on the list, but nothing can compare to it.

To Orchid:

Gee, Orchid, I really really like your {{hugz}}!

quote:----------------------------------------------------
I share that experience in hopes it can be as helpful to others as it was to me. I will never forget the kindness shown to me here.....and the periodic MB slaps which brought me back to my senses.
----------------------------------------------------------

You are 'giving back' a thousand times what you received, I am sure of that.

quote:---------------------------------------------------
...I was not alone. There were others that understood the chaos I was experiencing and I was not crazy.
---------------------------------------------------------

Orchid, thanks for being there!

This whole experience feels so surreal, and yet it's my new reality. I really really can't believe it sometimes.

I try to take it one day at a time now. On the other hand, at one point I will need to make some long-term goals. I wonder how long I should/want to stay in PLAN B (because it feels at times like putting my life on hold). I wonder if moving forward will eventually necessitate a D, just to finalize the whole thing because WH and I are still very much 'financially' linked by being co-owners of property. Some friends advise me that to completely break the 'ties' with WS, I would need to settle the 'finances' as well. The emotional benefits outweigh the financial benefits of staying 'linked' to him. But, right now I am not making any decisions. The bills are getting paid. I will worry about it later on. Am I procrastinating?

Update.

This morning I woke up angry at my WH. Why am I not getting to see my boys' beautiful faces each and every morning as I get up, and when I go to bed, as I should? How dare my WH put me in a situation where I won't? When WH chose to have an affair, his family became 'second banana' to his idyllic other double life. In Plan A his family was still 'second banana' and in PLAN B (separation) it still is, and more likely permanently. Good thing WH wasn't there!

It didn't last long. This emotion for me never lasts long and I wonder why. Very quickly I realize that it's really all about the pain of knowing that my 'family' no longer is, that I miss my boys and my H, that I miss my life as it once was. Now I am faced with all this 'emptiness' and anything I choose to do with my time seem 'crumbs' to me: oh, I have a lot of time to read, go to the movies, see friends, bicycle, etc. etc. All these things were much more enjoyable before when I had what I cherished the most: my family. Now I actually have more time for these things but they are less enjoyable when I don't have my 'family' to come back to.

But mostly, I am mad at myself, for forgetting that whatever we have, it can be taken from you in a second. For me, it's been WH choosing to have an A and choosing OW over his family (even though he tried to convince me that he is following "life" and it's where it's taking him - and us with it!). This feels worse then death, because WH is actually still physically here on earth, just no longer there for you in every other way, and nobody forced him to have an A!

I am realizing that I am probably also mad at myself for having taken the 'risk' (if I didn't want any pain!). There were clear signs even at the beginning of our relationship that one of WH's tools at times was lying by 'omission', but then I wasn't perfect either. And I thought when in love, two people can deal with the 'baggage' and find solutions together to deal with them.

But even with myself I can't be too mad. Life means taking 'risks' sometimes. That's what makes us be ALIVE. Otherwise, I could have chosen to never BE in a relationship for fear of anything and everything. But what I do want to be in is a loving relationship. With WH right now that is not the case! and so I need to remove myself from it even though I am tempted not to (even though WH, as a cake-eater would be more than happy to have me there as a back up in his life - 'second banana'). But, I can't do that to myself! I really think I deserve more. Even if it hurts so much right now, even if I am never in another relationship again, I won't settle for 'second banana' because I can't thrive in it. It would make me feel less worth than I really am. Eventually I would come to believe it. That's what would really kill my soul. I am mad at myself for fogetting that when we choose anything in life there is always the other side of the coin (that we don't choose). Now that I think of it. Am I starting a new coin by the side I don't choose? I wonder what the other side holds for me!

Anyway, I have started to read a book on 'communication/ relationships'. It's premises seems to be that it's hard to really be in a true relationhip with anyone else without first being in a true relationship with oneself. I will see where this takes me.

Thanks again for being there (I will just assume that some of you are reading me but find no need to post, or even if noone is reading, I still find it helpful to write here...and read. I am definitely getting attached to some of you, and I think of you during the day (I was definitely worried about Foxor!)

This week I feel I am 'isolating' myself a little bit. No one is calling me and I am not calling anyone. On one hand I am avoid having to put on the 'social mask', on the other hand, I better not learn to like this too much, but then again the boys are back this Monday. I think this is going to be hardest to get used to - not seeing the boys for a week, and it's not really their choice. As I told WH, the boys no longer have a 'home' - they have "at dad's" and "at mom's". God, I wish I could do something to change that, but I can't. So, I will focus on what I CAN DO when they are with me.

Luna,
Your boys will always have a home with you...and in time it will be peaceful and joyful, full of messes and laughter. I think it is great that you are taking a stand. Because you are now creating a home where you and the boys will be safe and protected not only physically but emotionally.

confused42: Thanks for your reply. I do think the boys find it more peaceful and safe when with me, especially my older one. He is in adolescence and WH often came down to his level when exchanging with him - confrontational just to be confrontational. I hear he hasn't changed, but I try not to intervene in their father-son relationship. WH may be doing a lot of damage to it right now.

If 'anger' is part of the grieving process, why am I not experiencing this emotion? Am I blocking it somehow? Do I fear it? I certainly have 'the time' and 'space' for it.

Luna,

Been thinking 'bout you. Glad the anger isn't lasting but it may come back in a big wave, so be prepared. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> You sound like someone who keeps it in. That c/b dangerous.

If you want to exchange e-mails: mborchid2@yahoo.com

I usually check it late at night but not everynight.

take care,
L.

To Orchid:

I will take you up on your offer because I think you are right about my anger.

"it may come back in a big wave, so be prepared. You sound like someone who keeps it in. That c/b dangerous."

Any ideas on how to 'prepare myself'? I hear that underneath anger is hurt, pain, etc.etc. and sometimes wonder if someone can 'skip' it. But, let's suppose I am "keeping it in". How do you think I can get it out? ...and I guess I can't really 'move on' until it gets out?

Hey Luna,

U got mail!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Luna,

just wanted to drop in and say hi.
You sound soooo much better these days, like you have embarked on your own personal journey. Orchid has been a big help to me too, along with the whole family of great people here.

We, too, will emerge better women for all this!

(((((lunamare)))))

Hi Luna,

Looking over stuff I file from MB, I found the lighthouse post by Ark, and thought of you:


It soothes me...

Thanks LT for your encouragement.

cc46, I agree with you...ARK's texts are "soothing" and clear!

Update.

Two and half months since "separated" from WS. Although the intensity of the pain seems to have subsided, it is very much there. I also seem to experience 'jalousy' now of those that remain in contact with WS such as my boys and some friends, like when my little one needs to call me during the week, and I can imagine WS somewhere not far from him and I wish I could be there too. Some 'common' friends also need to talk about our situation and inevitably WS is part of the conversation. So, WS may not be present 'physically' in my life, but he is very much present otherwise. I guess this is where making some 'new' friends would help, and why sometimes a BS becomes 'distant' with some old friends who for now are somehow painful triggers of past happier times that will never be again. I find this particularly true of those who are still a 'couple' or who have a 'family'.

I hear WS is not very happy, but I also think that inspite of that he will pursue the coarse he has taken because, for now, it's easier somehow (doesn't have to give up OW, doesn't have to work on a troubled M and risk failure, has 'openly' announced he needed to and has left and so doesn't want to risk being judged of not knowing what he wants from life, too proud to admit he was wrong, too proud to admit if feelings for OW are changing, has gone through too much trouble of setting up apt to be on his own, even if it doesn't work out with OW, better off on his own and take no R risks), besides, he knows he will always be 'linked' to me somehow through the boys, and in case of a major emergency, he knows he can count on me because I won't turn my back on my boys' father.

I am in PLAN B and don't see WS (except for short calls re boys and $$). In my case, the only hope of WS seeing our home as in Ark's lighthouse image now is if WS chooses to imagine it, if he chooses to believe that we could one day be a 'family' again, and therefore have the courage and will to do what it would take. It's a real long shot and don't hold much hope that PLAN B will affect WS, which is why I really need to 'act' as if it will not happen, but PLAN B does 'hold you back' somehow because of that small hope, because you are not to consider a new R while in it, which is probably why, like PLAN A, it also has to have a termination date (this probably means a D) to really really be able to move on.

It's giving me a lot of time to read! Need to find something else to do.

Find things to do.

I started doing lots of things until I got a new job which keeps me very busy and doesn't allow me access to MB!

Anyway, you will discover a whole new world out there!

(((Luna)))
If mutual friends are dropping tid bits of news to you about him...they probably do the same about you. "Oh boys, I saw how your mom painted your room its so cool you must love it!" "I saw Luna at the store she must've changed her hair or something she looks wonderful." "Luna must be busy I hardly ever see her car home."

Take care and live well...people notice. "Luna is wonderful he must be out of his mind"

Do fun things with your kids, its good for them, good for you and they will probably share it with WH.

Hey Luna,

Reading ain't a bad thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

As for not turning your back on your children's father, of course you wouldn't...but what about a WS? Would you allow the WS make you enable the A under the pretense of helping the H? Hm..... gotta think about that, eh? It is hard to differentiate sometimes but necessary. Some WS' want the BS to go on enabling the A. That's what mine told me and I showed him the door. At first it was very hard, then it got easier and even funny. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Why? Because when a WS gets stupid, you just gotta laugh or cry. I choose laughing because my eyes don't get as puffy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Lunamare -- I don't have wise words to say.. I'm just commiserating here. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

The length of time of your separation is about the same as mine. And yes, it gets easier but of coz there are moments where the pain does hit you. Whenever it does, I quickly turn my focus and attention to something else.. usually something more positive.


My WH has also abandoned all of our mutual friends. One of the guy friends we know for a long time is sad abt the situation. He doesn't email to me abt it but his wife tells me that he doesn't even want to know the 'updates' coz he's so sad...


This sounds *EXACTLY* like my WH!! (except I do not know if he's happy or sad or whatever) He has now finally agreed to the sep deed agreement... it took him 18 days to agree to it after chasing me for it all the time. He feels that by getting the agreement over and done with, he can "move on with his life" and alleviate his guilt. Like signing the agreement, he can cut off ties with me once and for all. Of coz it's much easier for him as we do not have children to continue the link.

I also don't hear updates abt WS because our mutual friends/ contacts no longer see/ talk to him. So really.. I do not know how he is doing. Although I'm guessing, he must be dealing with a whole bunch of guilt.

As we don't have mutual contacts, no one can report back to him how I'm really doing as well. So Plan A or Plan B, I don't think any of it wld really work on WH. It would only work most on my own personal recovery.

But as Orchid reminds over and over again, we do not want the WS back!!!!

~A

Thanks cc46 for your suggestion.

Confused42: I guess even in Plan B, Ark's lighthouse image can be done indirectly.

To Orchid:
quote:---------------------------------------------------
Reading ain't a bad thing.
---------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, I agree.

I also need to learn to keep it straight: WS is not my H.

quote:----------------------------------------------------
I choose laughing because my eyes don't get as puffy.
----------------------------------------------------------
I can't disagree with you there!


To Ashley88:

quote:----------------------------------------------------
pain does hit...I quickly turn my focus and attention to something else.. usually something more positive.
----------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes, I am so eager to get past the "pain" because I think that otherwise I can't "move on" that I try not to avoid it, until it's too much, and then I turn my attention to something else. I don't know if this is good or not, but I am definitely getting "tired" of feeling the pain. I am now wondering if I am actually increasing the pain by doing it this way.

quote:-----------------------------------------------------
I guess this is where making some 'new' friends would help, and why sometimes a BS becomes 'distant' with some old friends who for now are somehow painful triggers of past happier times that will never be again.
----------------------------------------------------------
.....when I do this, then, I think I am totally avoiding my pain, or because I have had enough of it.

So, I have a problem 'balancing' my feelings of pain. If I stay in it too long, I then 'avoid' facing any type of triggers, and I feel like I am "faking it".

I AM GETTING TIRED OF THE PAIN, GETTING TIRED OF DEALING WITH IT, GETTING TIRED OF TALKING ABOUT IT.

I got to get myself a life. I hate myself when I see myself going into a "pity party" or "poor me/victim" mode.

"hugs" to all of you (the "Orchid-type").

U got mail. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Update.

WH's 90 yr old mom called and I realized that WH had not yet told her (his official decision to try life with other OW was made 2 1/2 months ago). I exposed only to his sister and brother with whom WH has contact with (but with whom apparently he is no longer very much in contact with). Apparently he has not gone to visit mom over the summer and she is obviously wondering what's going on. I told her to expect a call from her son and passed on quick message to him re his mom calling. I care very much about my elderly mother-in-law. I am sorry WH has decided not to make it a priority to tell her, and keep her in the dark and only tell her when obliged to. Now, she will find out about separation over the phone and know that son kept her in the 'dark'. She enjoyed our family visits. She will hurt, but she also has never interfered in her children's lives. So far, of her 7 children, only one is still married!

Today the boys go over to their dad's. I am starting the second week alone at the house. I expect it to feel empty. Not going directly home from work. I will take in a film before.

I am still feeling 'lost', 'unbalanced' with boys in one week and out the other, and no partner in life. A 'routine' is starting to set in and WS seems to be just fine with it: the boys one week, the OW the other.

Was in contact with OW's H. Said we would be in touch if anything major was happening since we couldn't count on our spouses to inform us. Let him know that WS had now his own apt., and 'no' his WS had not told him.

Keeping in touch with some friends, but right now, I seem to enjoy 'shutting out' the world and just like to read in my bedroom (that I rearranged after WS left). I still need time to get over the 'shock' of what's happened. Not seeing my WS is a good thing (except a quick call here and there re boys). Not knowing what WS is up to helps me not to focus on him.

I am trying to accept that I will have to learn to live with a lot of triggers for a while, especially yearly events.

I am still experiencing a lot of sadness with occasional feelings of anger - knowing that WS had not told his mom really got me mad - was he trying to hide it from her even now? She was quite attached to our family. I know he was just 'avoiding' telling her, and buying time, like he did with me with his A! That's the link.

I know I may not be 'saying' much, but for me writing to the Board is just a way of saying that "I exist" to someone, a way of not isolating myself. I am also reading a lot of posts and realize the ravages affairs create.

The drama of the A has hit me hard. When I first moved to this city, 23 yrs ago, I was alone, in my twenties, and seemed to have everything before me. Twenty odd years later, it feels I came full circle. I just feel older and a little tired right now to be up to the challenge, but do feel less despair. I am going to give myself some time - no rush.

I appreciate seeing the courage and knowledge shown here. It's inspiring to me. The human spirit is a wonder.