Thanks for replying C42:

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I check on you often, I don't post to you much because I don't have advice.
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I know. I do the same thing. That's why I don't mind 'journaling', because I know people read.

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But I'd like to offer you (((luna))) and support.
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Thanks, very much appreciated, C42. WS and OW work at elementary school, so only S9 goes there. S15 goes to high school.

re bedroom-headquarters:
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I'm glad you have a refuge that gives you comfort..but are you hiding in there? Why should you not be able to face the world? YOU did nothing wrong. If you are having a hard time going out doing things alone...set little goals. Go to the library alone...nobody will notice...take your dog for a walk or walk a neighbor's dog. Go shopping blow $10 on something to make you smile.
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Actually, C42, what I mean by "headquarters" can actually be taken literally, after the effort of going to battle and "attacking" objectives as opposed to 'hiding out', a safe place to turn to. It's actually a way of compensating efforts done and a break from being 'out there': going to see movies, going to the library, meeting friends, treating myself to restaurant, house projects, volunteering, having had to explain 'new' situation.

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I have a list of things I like to do but haven't done for a long time because I was waiting for WH to do them with me...I thought I'd save them for when I was in plan B. Well WH won't leave and I'm not in plan B yet... then I thought this is silly...I should do these things anyway they will bring me joy. Life is too short to miss out on joy. Tonight I'm meeting friends at the movies and we are going to see "The 40 Year Old Virgin"...WH is away on a business trip(confirmed).
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Exactly. I was really happy for you when I read this on your thread. Major switch: from waiting 'around' to 'action' mode. Think of yourself and do what you like, because WSs are not 'there' anyway. This I believe is part of both PLAN A and even more so of PLAN B. A WS may or may not notice, depending on how deep he is in the fog, but at least as a BS we're trying to enjoy life as best as we can, and more importantly take back control of our lives, because life goes on inspite of an A.

Another BS pointed out how his WS seemed to no longer talk 'from the heart' in their conversations. My thought was: they can't, or a WS would have to face the reality that they were hurting those they loved the most: their family. It's actually more reason to 'stay' in the fog/illusion as long as possible in order not to face reality. It's actually not safe for a BS to be around a WS - they have become a source of pain rather than a source of protection.

Please keep that in mind, C42.

At this point, I am keeping busy, doing things that I like to do, etc. but I wonder if these are 'band-aid' solutions only or part of a healing process. But then, right now, I have all the time in the world to figure this out! Trial and error will do.

I think it may also have to do with learning to live with a certain 'loss of innocence', a constant 'ache' of a loss of something dear.

Sorry if I seem to go on and on.

Take care everybody.

Update.

When S9 goes to bed at night, I spend a few minutes talking with him. Given some of his comments lately, I feel I need to make him comfortable to be a kid and not worry and feel 'responsible' beyond his years (worries about money ie gas prices, things to get done, 'sacrifices' he could make).

I also needed to tell him (and his brother) that I knew that having to move back and forth each week was not easy for them, and it was alright if it upset them sometimes.

His comment was an 'echo' of one of WS propositions, in that it would not have been necessary had I been prepared, like dad, to do one week in/out and share the house with dad (while dad stayed one week with GF and me one week.....????????). Also, WS refers to OW as his GF and apparently hoped that I would also have a BF someday.

I was not surprised to hear all this. I can still hear WS blaming me for the situation we're in and that it has nothing to do with WS having an A. Why can't I just ACCEPT his GF?

I just made sure that S9 knew the reason I was not 'seeing' dad was because I didn't think it was right for dad to have a GF while he was married to mom. WS had told him that he didn't love me anymore but that he didn't want anything bad to happen to me. That was hard to hear!

I just kissed my little one goodnight and asked him not to worry too much about 'grown up' things and to try and enjoy being a kid. I guess one day when he grows up, in his own life, he will have to decide where he will stand on this issue, because right now he's getting 'mixed' messages to say the least.

....It also confirmed that WS is still very much in fogland, and that there was very little I could do about that!

Moving on... moving on...... away from the chaos, so much so that life right now seems quite 'dull'. I can live with that right for now, and when I am good and ready I will 'spice it up' with something positive, and it won't be anything 'triangular'.

My home computer is not working. Will check in next Monday.

Just needed to tell you all how much I really miss my H (not my WS of course), and that I am having a hard time accepting the fact that he may never come home, and that there is nothing I can do about it.

Having said that, maybe now I can move on to doing something I can do.

Good weekend everybody.

Luna,

Plan B is lonely and somehow boring after all the drama of the A, d day etc. But I see it as a way to recover YOURSELF and become stronger and able to manage whatever happens. Time cures, we can't stop it or hurry it or make it go slower. So while time does it's job we may as well be doing something else that's good and useful to us.

I've been in plan B for 8 1/2 months now and I'm still sad and angry and thinking of WH everyday. I don't ahve much hope that he will wake up anytime soon anymore. But I am thankful to Dr. Harley for inventing plan B. I know WHY I am spending this year trying to be a better person, learning about needs and relationships, and specially the fact that it is an act of love to give your WH this time to regret and repent.
When the year is over I will probably file for divorce and since it takes about 1 year here, by the time that is over I hope to be "recovered" and much wiser. 2 years is the period it takes to get over a relationship, that's what is said.

Can youthink of any better alternatives? I couldn't.

You are doing fine now. Keep it up.

Luna,

This is a struggle for me too: H may be gone forever. Or did he ever really exist? Was it all fake from the beginning?

At my last counseltation with SH he gave me the word go for Plan B. I asked him about a time frame. he said that you can't really always say in advance. He wants me to check in regularly, about once a month. Maybe that means you do Plan B until you have accepted that H no longer exists and you are ready to move on with your life?

cc46 and LT: thanks for replying.

The way I see it, unless a BS wants to settle for less in life, being in a triangle is no way to live or be in a relationship. I don't think it's good even for the WS and the OW, except with both WS and OW in the fog, they just can't see much.

In PLAN A it's a chance for WS to N/C with OW. It doesn't happen? PLAN B, BS decides N/C with WS. The triangle must be broken.

PLAN B forces BS to think of themselves, to take care of themselves, to grow, to recover from the blow of an A, give time for the wounds to heal, reflect on contribution to M and what would BS do differently (if ever in an old/new relationship) etc etc. BS cannot control what WS does, so, rather than WASTE energy on that, why not put energy where BS has some control over: oneself.

Why? Because the only relationship allowed in PLAN B is the one with ourselves: N/C with WS (and eventually no more thinking about WS), and no new relationships.

One possible outcome is for the WS to miss BS and reconsider M, if so, in PLAN B, BS has worked on oneself and is ready to take on the challenge of M recovery (and if not, a new relationship).

Being a BS, I myself am having a difficult time:

a) NOT thinking about WS - but the more and more I try not to focus on him, the better I am getting at it. My biggest challenge right now? - the 'triggers', which set me off thinking about WS every time, and set me off into grieving (stuck in 'pain' stage) over the loss of H and M. Have been doing a lot of crying lately. There is an imbalance which needs to be corrected. Eventually, the less we think of WS, the more time we have to think of ourselves (or, the more we think of/do for ourselves, the less we think of WS). Easy to say, hard to do.

b) How to literally live "alone" after 20++ years of living with another person: taking care of the kids alone (when they are with me), taking decisions alone and without consulting H, doing all the tasks, whether feeling competent or not, (as opposed to sharing them based on competencies). In general, how to manage with no longer having someone to 'count on'. At times I find this quite overwhelming.

I think as individuals, we fall into patterns without realizing it, and then we just repeat these patterns (often unhealthy) and don't even know it.

PLAN B gives BS the time and opportunity to identify these patterns and plan for changes in order to have healthier ones (whether it be with a FWS or a new relationship).

LT, I also wonder sometimes about the timeframe. The answer might be similar to the one my doctor gave me when I asked about symptoms to know when I was in menopause: if you are asking, you're not there yet.

When to move on from PLAN B?

a) I think it's when the 'triggers' (like: pictures of WS/family, voice of/seeing WS, trips, objects, songs, places, words, you name it) cause only a slight tingling sensation, as opposed to a ready-to-cry-at-any-moment "for I don't know how long" feeling. Is this what would be called "detachment"?

b) Divorce papers signed. It may be just a paper, but it marks symbolically a 'passage', the turning-a-new-page gesture.

c) Feel like we are able/capable of living alone, but would prefer 'sharing life with someone else'. This is particularly important so as not to 'settle' for less than we deserve (be it with a FWS or a new relationship).

All this, of course, can vary depending on each individual BS.

I do consider PLAN B a limbo stage: not sure what future holds, what do we really want, will FWS be in our lives, or not. I am trying really hard to see it a time for 'discovering myself'. If it feels boring, it's because there is no 'powerstruggling' of any sort, therefore no drama, no relationship, but a relationship with a WS is a great source of pain and a very unhealthy relationship.

Ideally now, as a BS I would like the excitement of a new relationship with FWS, or someone else. But, it's like a skier who adores skiing, but who has a broken his leg. He may miss skiing, but if he goes back skiing before his leg has recover, he won't be skiing for long! Better to wait until the leg has fully recovered.

An A is a major injury to a BS's heart. It needs to be mended first before anything else happens.

Sorry for being long-winded. I missed the board. I had a terrible weekend. It no longer surprises me. I expect to have 'difficult' moments, and I am happy when I move on to something else.

Luna, you are getting better by the minute!

Update.

Had a so-so weekend. WH and I don't see each other or 'exchange' per say, except for quick phone contacts re boys' switch (one week with WH/one week with me).

I decided that in my next 'quick phone contact' with WH I was going to tell him that I would prefer 'phone messages' to exchange needed info. re boys.

That's why the so-so weekend. I have been feeling anxious about telling WH that. I knew he would not be happy. He's been wanting to be 'friends' with me.

The no more 'direct phone contact' request has been made now, and I am somewhat relieved. I had realized that in these 'direct phone contacts' WH sometimes caught me off-guard so even these one-minute exchanges started to take too much 'mind space' and creating some anxiety. I really didn't need that if I want to focus on what I need to do. WH protested and wanted to convince me that we needed to be talking to each other. Unless there was an emergency, I really didn't see why 'direct contact' was necessary.

WH was not happy.

He offered to come over and walk the dog in the morning the week dog is with me (only in the morning because that was what was convenient for him), and a meal he had prepared over the weekend. I declined both offers, because I somehow felt they were made not so much to help me out, but to relieve some of his guilt feelings.

WH definitely not happy. I can hear him judging me as uncooperative and justifying even more why he needed to leave and why he chose OW. I knowm I know. I just gave him more reason to find comfort in the arms of the OW. But at this point, I guess that's the idea. Let the OW be there for him, for everything.

I am not feeling great, but I also knew I had to do this. What's WH going to do? Leave me? Has done that. Stop talking to me? I asked him not to. I do worry about him getting revengeful. I guess I will deal with that when it happens.

I am glad I can write to the board about it.