Yep, we can't control their actions. Sometimes you just have to let go and let them know they have to be responsible for their own decisions/ actions. Take one day at a time.... hope you are feeling better today.

~A

hurting -

I hope you will move on with your life, and work on your home and garden. Also you need to speak to an attorney to secure your finances. WS's have a habit of blowing all of their money on the OP.

I don't know what state you are in, but as a SAHM, you probably will get child support and alimony. See to that right away.

Hey Hurting,

Did you read Suzet's post to you on Plan A/B? Please be sure to read it and follow it to the best of your ability. Trust me, it works. We've seen it work time and again in the efforts to bring the WS back ... including me! Also, please get a copy of His Needs Her Needs by Harley when you get the chance. It will help you understand a lot of what you're up against. Just knowing what to expect is half the battle.

Good luck and keep posting!

good news everyone. WH has decided that he needs to find a place of his own. He says he needs time to be alone and think. I told him I thought that was a great idea. Don't know how OW gonna take the news he is moving out from her, but myself I am elated. I know that does not mean he is coming home but I feel its a step in the right direction. Still gonna take him some time but at least now he is talking about the future and how he wants to work it out. I told him I feel the same but lets take our time and be sure. I know once he leaves OW temptaion and withdrawl is going to make him want her , but I still feel really good about this move he is making. What a great day so far ....

That sounds like a good plan for him. Maybe things are not all that wonderful with them living together.

I was thinking the same thing believer, but I dare not ask him the question and rock the boat. I figure in time he will tell me if its not all wine and roses with her. And if he never tells so be it. I am just happy he has made this decsion. I just hope he does it soon , he still has to find somewhere to move to.

I do hope this is a good thing. I don't want to be a party poop cynic here, but like I said earlier, having your H move in w/ the OW was (in a twisted, horrible sort of way) the best thing under the circumstances. With him in his own place, the OW's faults and annoying behaviors are less in-his-face, if you know what I mean. If he's going through what I went through, it may be like this - When he's w/ the OW, she'll drive him nuts b/c he sees her flaws and his feelings are exacerbated by his own guilt. When he's with you, he'll miss her miserably. If he's by himself, he's tormented by indecision, self-loathing and feelings of withdrawal.

So, what to do? 1) Make certain that he does cut off all contact w/ the OW. This will be very difficult now that he has his own place. It gives him a good alibi. Unfortunately, to catch the criminal, you have to think like a criminal. I was just there (guilty as charged). 2) If you know he has truly cut off all contact, then commit to a good Plan A, no matter how hard it is. And, remember, no LB's! There is a wealth of resources on these 2 topics on this forum and website - including in the links that Suzet sent to you. Please read and follow it carefully. It can mean the difference between short versus long-term path toward recovery!

Best of luck!!

So far he is still with her. He does not have the money to find his own place so he is asking friends to see if he can find a place to stay, or at least thats what he is telling me. His sister is moving into a new house the first part of Aug. and has offered him a place to stay but not sure he will take her up on it. I feel so stupid because yesterday morning he came over and was all lovey towards me and I gave in to him. What a foolish thing to do. I just hope I didn't mess everything up that I have accomplished so far. I am so confused by him. Seems like since I foolishly gave in he has become a little distant again. What an idiot I was. He did say one thing to me that was shocking, he told me how surprised he was that I had been so strong and calm through all of this. He said he expected me to yell and scream at him and confront OW. I told why would I do that because it would solve nothing and I refuse to lower myself to their level. He then says to me If I had known you loved me this much I would have never left. He told me the was still hope for our marriage but he still needs time and he can't guarentee anything. I told him I have time for now and I asked for no guarentees. But I did say as each days ,week and month passes the feelings get easier to handle and one day I won't care anymore. He looked very shocked when I said that to him. So I hope I did the right thing by telling him that.

whisper28

reading your post here about your return home has given me some much needed hope! thank you for sharing.

forgive yourself for your mistakes and be proud that you did what it takes to admit you were wrong and come home.

Well yesterday was a bad day for me. After 2 days of talking and having good conversations with WH, I feel like I wasted my breath. I told him how I was feeling and I know he listened, he agreed with alot of what I said to him . We decided to spend some quailty time together just to try and get to know each other again. Do some fun stuff and not talk about our relationship and just take it slow. He says there is hope and he is seeing how strong I am becoming and he likes it. I felt good about conversations. Well now he has become distant again and I feel so bad about it. I know they flip flop back and forth so really was not a surprise to me, but it still hurts. I stayed very calm and used no LB's during any conversation with him. I agreed with him and let him know I will do ok with either decsion he makes. I felt like some small baby steps were taken forward on those days. But today its like I went backwards and lost the few steps we gained. So now what ? I just want this to work for us, 24 years is alot to loose and I love him so. He told me if I had known you loved me this much I would have never left. I am having such a hard time determining his truth from lies. Is he playing me? I just don't know, I just want honesty from him, if he truely wants out of this marriage why would he lie about things and get my hopes up ? Please someone help me figure this out. I have read Surviving and Affair and it has helped me alot. So far he is still living with OW but I don't think its going well, but of course he won't ever tell me. He just looks so unhappy and his eyes are just so vacant looking. Is it his pride standing in the way of becoming honest with himself and me? I know he is still confused and in a fog and some reality has hit him but not enough yet. Dang this is so hard to do. I have decided that its now up to him to make the moves. I am going to do for me. If he wants to talk or get together he will have to make the first move. I am not giving up I am just figuring if I give him some space he will figure this out quicker. Since he has moved out I have spoken to him or seen him everyday but one. I have initiated some of the phone calls but no more. Its all in his hands now and I am working on being happy and letting him see I can do this with or without him. I am not ready to do plan B yet but I am continueing Plan A with zeal and hope he comes to his senses.

hurting -

I think you are doing fine so far. I know it is very difficult. You did the right thing by telling him that as time goes by, it will be easier and easier to move on without him. That is what happened to me.

During this time, let him make the calls and contact to you. What you can be doing that will help you is getting very busy. I cleaned the house sparkling, did the yard, planted a vegetable garden, painted, detailed the car, did volunteer work, took a cooking class, threw myself into my job, joined a women's Bible study group, went out with friends, exercised, etc. These things helped raise my self-esteem, which was in the toilet.

Thank you believer for the kind words. I truely believe that making him do some of the work on contacting me is the best thing. I have already started on the house and plan to have everything back in order before to long. I want him to see I can do this without him and I feel that it will help wake him up from his fog. If not so be it I will be fine. He already has made remarks on how I have changed and become stronger. Whenever he calls for no reason or to ask a question he already knows the answer to the first thing out of his mouth is "what are you doing"? I just want to say why do you ask me that, its not like you care you left. But I just be pleasant and not engage in hurtful words. I tell him I am busy and doing things. He even call the daughter on her cell phone and he askes her everytime " whats your mom doing"? He is just so transparent about it all, I am past the point of hurt right now I am just plain angry. But I don't show that to him, I just act like nothing is wrong. What an idiot....... LOL

Well another long talk with WH yesterday. He has decided that he is not going to move from OW's home. I asked him why and he says he is afraid to try and work on M because he fears I will only change to get him home and then go back to same old ways. I told him how can you know that without even trying? Wouldn't you rather say you tried and failed than to always wonder? I tried explaining to him that when I pushed him away and ignored him I was in a deep depression but he does not seem to get it. But then as the conversation goes on and I pour my heart out to him he listens and looks at me with the love on his face I have seen for 24 years. He then tells me I heard every word you said and I am thinking about it. So he gives me a kiss and leaves. Later on in the evening we talk again and I ask him if you truely love this woman as you claim then why are you still trying to get in my bed? He says what I can't sleep with 2 women? I said I didn't say that I said if you truely love her why would you want to? For this he has no answer. I then said to him well I am not giving up on us and I won't until the day I stand in front a judge and he says we are divorced. I asked him do you want a divorce, because if you do its up to to file for it. He says he does not want a divorce. I then asked him do you think I am a fool for still wanting to fight for our marriage when you keep telling me it won't work, and he says no your not a fool. So now I am really confused with his double talk. His mother and my friend both think he is wanting me to fight for our marriage and do it with actions instead of words. I am beginning to believe this may be true. He came over today to bring son home and helped me to drain the waterbed so I could move it. He still calls me Babe and still talks about his house his yard and his wife. I talked to one of his co=workers yesterday as well. And he says I don't know you very well but I see how WH looks at you and I see the love he has and besides he would not be wanting to do all of these things for you if he didn't love you. WH had talked to co=worker and he feels like WH is just very confused and tired of all the things and stress here at home with so many people living here he just didn't know what to do but leave and find companioship elsewhere. He also told me I know this is going to blow up in WH's face sometime soon and that I will need to help pick up the pieces. All of our mutual friends say the same thing this A will not last long, it crazy because OW just not what he needs. Everyone tells me he will be home before to long. These are people who know WH pretty good and some for many years. I can't believe we can all be wrong because if so he has fooled a great many people. Still gonna do a great Plan A and pray it works with him still living with OW.

Today is another day. Already he has called me 2 times in the last hour. Both times for crap that is really not relavent to anything. tonite he is suppose to come over and help move the waterbed to another room, because I am changing bedrooms. So now I am preparing myself for this evening to be pleasant and upbeat while he is here. But I know once he walks out the door to go back to OW its gonna hurt like hell. Son spent the weekend with him and seemed to have a good time. Son said mom she is not as bad as I thought, she was nice to me and we joked around and had a good time. Now she has my son on her side, this sucks. But he did say don't worry mom I will not leave you to live with them. Damn right he won't that will never happen as long as I have a breath in my body. Of course they let him stay up all night on computer and do nothing but play around, sure it was fun no chores or any resposibilities he has at home. When is this madness going to stop? WH also said to me I wish I could take videos of both you and OW and put them side by side and you would see how much you both are alike. He says remember when you used to brush the hair off my face and touch my face, well the OW did the same thing the other day and I told her my W used to do that but stopped. I was floored by that, I didn't know what to say except I am sorry. I never meant for kittle things like that to stop it was the depression, why can't he understand that? Should I now start doing little things like that or would that be pushing it to much? Advice anyone......

"if he truely wants out of this marriage why would he lie about things and get my hopes up?"

>He wants his cake and eat it too. Meaning, the OW is meeting his EN that weren't met. Although you're more than willing and able to meet them now, he's having a hard time believing and seeing it b/c that wasn't the case before. At the same time, you're meeting some of his needs too, so neither does he want to give you up. Selfishly, he's playing both sides to make doubly-sure that all his needs will be met. With this said, he's going through a tremendous amount of internal turmoil b/c he knows he's hurting those he cares about the most, but he's also asking the question "Don't I have a right to be happy too?" I know, it sounds pretty lousy, but that's just how I was when I was in my fog.

"Is it his pride standing in the way of becoming honest with himself and me?"

>Nope. Nothing to do w/ pride. It's his fear and indecision and not wanting to give up the cake.

Hurting - I'm a little confused - are you in Plan A or Plan B? This is very important for you to discern and stick to right now.

Eav1967 - Thanks. I'm learning to forgive myself and let go of the guilt every day. It just is so hard when I look into my H's eyes and know that I was the cause of so much pain.

Whisper, I am in plan A now. I am doing for myself and my kids. I am making sure I use no LB's with WH. We talk and he does things around the house for me which I let him no I appreciate. He has commented on how strong I am becoming and he lkes it. He knows how I feel about him and our marriage and I do not repeat it everytime we speak. I told him he knows where I am and when he is ready to discuss it I am here to listen and talk with him. We have had some great conversations about us and other things as well. He is very pleased with how I have I have changed things around the house and it seems to make him want to be around more. I think I am on the right track by just doing what I need to do for me and he is seeing it. Another revolation came today, my 15 yr old son told me his dad told him Saturday night that he wants our marriage to work. I was surprised to hear that since just a week ago he told same son he loved OW and there was no hope. I know he may have said that in a moment of clear thinking and he may change hs mind again but it gives me some hope that all the positve changes are working and he is starting to see a little ray of light. I know its still not going to be overnight but I believe time is now on my side.

Good for you, Hurting. I know this is extremely hard for you. Hang in there ... you're going to make it!

BTW - I realized that I posted my last response to you before reading your last 3 posts. Note that I used the exact language in my response ...

You: "he says he is afraid to try and work on M because he fears I will only change to get him home and then go back to same old ways."

Me: "It's his fear and indecision and not wanting to give up the cake."

While all A's are different, there are some similarities we simply can't ignore. I agree with everyone - you're doing all the right things. This is how my H was able to convince me to come back ... on my own accord. I'm a firm believer that when a WS returns on his/her own accord, the withdrawal is far less severe and the recovery quicker - and possibly stronger b/c there is less resentment from having to leave the OP.

Good luck! We're with you all the way!

Whisper thanks for the encouragement. I truely appreciate it. Some days are hard and some days good. Today WH came to help me move water bed in into another room. First off he was tired fom work and his back was hurting him. So he was a little grouchy, I picked up on it and made sure I was sympothetic which I truely was and made no waves. Well all went well even though he said You didn't get all of the water out. I tld him I tried but the pump wouldn't drain anymore. Anyhow we got it moved and he came and said he was leaving , I said ok and ty for helping. He then said I just wish you had gotten the water out better, and said I don't want to move that thing again. I said I'm sorry I didn't do it right and not worry I won't ask him again. He then got this look on his face and said I never said I would not help you out , I told you I am here when you need something. So anyhow he became pissed because I said that. So as he was walking out the door I took his wrist and said I am sorry please don't leave mad, He looked at me and said turn me loose and I am leaving, bye. Now I feel like I really put my foot in my mouth. I did not say it in a nasty way at all, it just popped out before I realized it. Called a couple of friends and they told me I was reading to much into it all. They said you can't always be like Mary Poppins and be perfect like you are trying, because when he does come home it would be way to hard to keep up. He can't expect you not ever to get angry or say something he don't like. Guess they are right about that, just gotta be myself which really is a very nice person who had a problem for awhile. Problem gone now but so is H. They said you have to remember he worked all day and was tired and hurting, so don't take it personally. And most of all they said this is not such a big deal that he won't ever come home to you it was just something that happens in the real world. He called about an hour later and asked how I was, I said fine and asked him the same he said fine. He then talked to son and hung up. So guess walking on eggshells around him is not good because it messed me up more than just being myself.

Something to keep in mind is that when a WS is in his/her fog, they're easily irritated at the smallest things. Why? B/c they're trying to justify their A in their own head and find a reason to say "this is the reason why I'm doing what I'm doing." The good news is this is happening on the other end too. Meaning, when he's w/ the OW, every little thing that bothers him about her is a justification for him to return to you. This is why I call his situation the "limbo hell." My hope is that eventually he (like me) will see that she was only meeting a few of his EN's and that he'll return to you knowing that you've met most of his EN's and now are willing to meet the others that weren't met before. That both of you are more aware what can happen when EN's aren't met now. This, perhaps, was the biggest lesson that my H and I have learned ... the hard way. grrrr.

Keep up the good work. And, yes, you are still human after all - complete with emotions and feelings. That, I hope, will never change, my friend - not even for your H.

Hang in there,

Whisper you are a true insperation. Hearing these thoughts coming from you help me to understand a little better what he is going through. I know I will never understand it all and probably don't want to, but your words of encouragement puts things in a dffrent light for me. Again TY so much for all of your wonderful posts. Hugs to you ((()))))