I need some advice on how to repair my marriage. Married 24 yrs tomorrow July18. I went on vacation to my mother in June and found out while gone H was seeing another woman, whom I know from our bowling alley time. At first it was the Just friends story but I finally got him to admit it was more. I finally got home on the 3rd of July and H was not home. He finally came in at 4:30 am and told me he did not want to work on saving our marriage. After much talking he finally agreed to try. I know it was stupid but I gave in and we made love. That afternoon he left home to be with with OW for the 4th and spent the night with her. He came home at 11:00 am next day and was saying he wanted both of us. I told him that could not happen. we spent the rest of the day together and went out to movies. After returning home, I finally told him he had to leave I could not live with him coming as he wanted to back and forth. He packed some clothes the next afternoon after work which was July6. He left me and our children to live with OW. He claimes they love each other. He says due to my depression I had been going through for past year was the reson for his affair, and that I pushed him into it. I admitted to him that yes I did withdrawl from him and ignored him due to all I was going through but he was not being fair. I got the I love you but I am not in love with you line. Anyhow 2 days later he came by the house and told me he loved me and missed me and had made a mistake. He wanted to come home. We talked for 7 hours and I thought he truely meant all he said. He was here for one week and then last night he decided it was not going to work and left again to be with OW. during this week I tried very hard and I was realized I was the only one working on it. He ignored me and would not interact in any way except in bed at night. But during the light of the day I was like a peice of furniture to him. He then told me the only reason he came back was to help me because I am a stay at home mom with no job and once i got a job he was going to leave. I reminded him of all he said to me on the day he wanted to come home and he says he can't remember any of what he said. He says I never told you I missed you. I know he remembers and I know all he said was not a lie, I looked at his face and saw the look of love on it , I know the look I have seen it for 24 years. I told him you were not concerned about me not having a job when you left first time and you told me you would take care of everything. So why give me some lame story of being here to help. I don't need you to live here to help out. Anyhow he feels justified in every move he has made and takes no resposibility in anything. To top it all off he was very calm until I told him he now had to call before coming by and that he had to give me the house key back. He bacame angry and could not understand why he had to do these things because this was his house to. I told him no its not you are choosing to leave here so you no longer had any rights to come and go as he pleases. He then said F**k you and drove off. So now I am at what do I do? I know this is not what he truely wants , I know the OW has told him he has to choose. Well he chose her. I know it won't last because of who she is and how she is seperated from her husband for 6 yrs and no divorce in sight. She has relationships for about 4 months and moves on. I do know he loves me he is to blind and in lust to realize it yet. Is there hope when he has moved in with her? Please someone help me figure this out. I know I can make it with or without him but I really want to save our lives together because I love him and am not willing to throw 24 yrs away without trying to save it.

HIO -

While I have no where near the experience in years that you do; I can reassure you that you are in good hands here at MB. I am sorry to hear about what is happening in your life right now - believe me, I know its rough; I have only been with my W for a year and eight months, and having her walk out on us feels like my entire world has been ripped apart; I can't fathom what 24 years feels like.

Keep your chin up - you've couldn't have come to a better place for support and advice. Before you know it, the vets will come rolling in and you will be in good hands.

God bless -

Fox

{{{{{{Hurting}}}}}

I'm so glad you're here! You will definitely find the support you need. To answer your question:

"Is there hope when he has moved in with her?"

While every A is different, I can tell that after 1.5 years of being nose-deep in my A, I still came back to my H. Even though I didn't exactly move in with the OM, we basically lived at his place or mine (I bought a townhouse). So, yes, there is DEFINITELY hope!!! I'm just so proud of you for holding on because I can tell you that, although things aren't "perfect" yet, they're better than it's been for the past 6 or 7 years! And, yes, I can say with complete certainty that I LOVE MY HUSBAND and that I'm soooo glad he accepted me back after all that I put him through. I can also tell you that he willingly admitted that he's glad he let me go, that I came back on my accord and that things are better than ever. Yes, there is hope!

"Please someone help me figure this out."

I know it's hard to understand it, but something to keep in mind is that an A usually changes from fantasy to reality when the WS starts to spend a lot of time (i.e. live) with the OP. That's when all the character flaws, unsavory behaviors and annoying habits come out of the woodwork. Think about it. It's akin to when 2 people start dating. Initially, it's all fun stuff: no bills, no kids, no responsibilities, no in-laws ... just fun. It's only when you really spend time with that other person (maybe when you move in together) when you start thinking: "hmmm ... I really don't like his annoying habits or his value system or beliefs. Perhaps this is really not the person I want to live with for the rest of my life." Now, multiply that "incompatibility" factor by 20 when you're in an A. Why? Because you still have your S who's been there for you for 24 years with whom you know you have and can overcome challenges and differences, you have a lot of history - both good and bad, you have the joy of your own kids, you have comfort and security of a true family (without guilt and self-loathing). All those "good things" will pop up each and every time something remotely bothers your H about the OW. So, while the thought of your WH moving in with the OW seems like "the end," IMHO, it often is just the beginning of recovery.

Again, every M is different, and I don't want to give you false hopes, but my personal experience (and the experience of many other FWS's) have proven that the above is true.

Hang in there and keep posting!

Thank you so much for the kind words. I will not give up on fighting for this marriage. I know in my heart that this is not what he truely wants. I know it will take time for reality to kick in for him. But the one thing I have on my side is time. I am not going to sit here and mope and cry about it, I am going to enjoy life and continue to make me a happier person. I will not go down without a good fight.

No, don't give up.

We've been married for nearly 35 years; we've been together all our adult lives. My WS told me she was leaving me for an OM on 4july. I'd been away from home helping one our adult sons. Her affair was just 2 weeks old with a man she hardly knew. She's now moved in with him.

Me too...I've had the 'I love you but I'm in love with him' stuff. I've also had some of my faults raised as well as some of the imperfections in our marriage (overall it was strong and loving). None of these are justifications for what she's done but she feels guilty about the harm she's causing and it helps her ease this to try and rationalise the irrational thing she's doing.

Don't beat yourself up like I did. At first I considered suicide and ran away overseas to my brother for a week. I'm back home now with a job to do...standing by my wife; I'm still proud of her and have faith in her inner goodness. It will take much patience, understanding, strength and love.

After the shock I'm discovering strength I didn't know I had. Even if I don't get the happy ending I'm hoping for, I'm determined to grow in stature through this experience.

I hope it works out for you.

Today is our 24th anniversary. How do I get through the day? One of my friends is taking me to lunch today to get me out of the house. I have such a strong desire to call H and tell him Happy freaking Anniversary butthole. I know I won't do this because it would just cause more hurt and anger from him. I just want ot strangle him. One thing he told me that really sticks out in my mind is the comments he has made about how OW reminds him of me. He says we think alike and she has told him all the same reasons she loves him , is the same reasons I gave him. He says its scary to him how we both like the same things. If he does not want to be with me , why would he find someone so much like me? I am so confused , I just want this to stop.

Welcome, and Happy Anniversary. By all means, go out with a friend for lunch. Don't contact your husband.

You have found us very early, and that is good. Like Whisper said, since he is living with the OW, her faults (and his) will become apparent very soon.

Have you exposed the affair?

HIO, welcome to MB and a happy anniversary to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Read through the site about plan A and plan B. Get and read the book Surviving An Affair or Torn Assunder. click here to read WAT's guideling for betrayed spouses. Keep posting and asking questions, I am very sorry for the circumstances that bring you here but you will find some of the most caring helpful folks you have ever met.

Please keep in mind that your WH is not in his right mind at this time. When I was in my "fog," I said a lot of things that now, in retrospect, I know I didn't mean and is not true. So, I wouldn't take too much of his words to heart, even though I'm sure you're heart is breaking every time he opens his mouth. I know, easier said than done.

As to your question - "why would he find someone so much like me?"

The answer is actually pretty simple - because deep down he is attracted to YOU and YOUR attributes! I hate to bring up my shameful past, but one thing that my friends who actually met the OM said about the OM was that he was so much like my H - esp. in looks and in mannerisms. It shocked me as I thought I was looking for someone completely different from my H since (in my mind) the reason why I left was b/c I was so miserable in my M in the first place. My point is, we tend to be attracted to certain traits and behaviors. With that said, look at what happened to me! Once I discovered the realities of my A, it hit me like a ton of bricks. This guy was NOTHING like my H who is strong, chivalrous, generous and kind and who will always love me unconditionally. When I asked my best friend if I'm doing the right thing by going back to my H, she finally broke down and said "Do you realize you have someone who loves you unconditionally, no matter what horrible things you've done? Some people will never get to experience that in their entire lifetime, including me." I still get all choked up thinking about that. I hope your H has good friends who can help steer him in the right direction as I have.

As for today, go out, have fun, as best as you can! After lunch with your friend, make a spa appointment or go to the zoo or the park. Read a fun book. Do anything to get your mind off. Tomorrow will be another day!

Hugs,

yes I have exposed the affair to everyone I know and both of our families. His family is very supportive of me and my children. He has turned his back on everyone, his own mother is so disgusted by what he has done. All of our friends and his co workers know what has happen and are in disbelive of it. The funny thing about it is since the OW is also in the circle of friends she is known by all as well. So I am just waiting and wondering how everyone will treat them when they are together. But I have decided I can't worry about what they do, I have to do things for myself. I am getting ready to do some work on my home by painting and gardening ( which was his passion). I want to make things diffrent so I feel more comfortable in my home without traces of seeing him everywhere. I am changing bedrooms and keeping all traces of him out of there. I have told him he has to remove all of his belongings from here. He says well I don't know were to put it all because the place she lives is a small 2 bedroom apt. that also has her 13 yr old Daughter living there. I told him I don't care were he puts it all. I just want it gone. Told him to call a storage place beause I won't store it for him. I am starting to work on Plan A , I know its going to be hard but I am determined to make it with or without him. Thank you all for your support and insight.

hurtinginokla - my WH shut down 5 days after D-Day after he told me he chose to separate. Ignoring me and everyone else. He left the house 1 month later. I do not know if OW is staying with him, but I presume so.

I agree with believer -- as hard as it is, don't call him. Lean on your friends, family, etc... show him you can be strong.

~A

Hurting, here is a direct link to Plan A/B. Exposure is part of plan A.

You will also find the thread: Bob's Newly Betrayed Spouse MB Toolkit very helpful. Make sure you also read the link to WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses given to you by a previous poster.

Prayers to you,
Suzet

Whisper,
Thank you for sharing your story with me, it gives me hope. But no matter what I will make it. As far as him having good friends to help steer him he has cut him self off from them as well because they feel he has done wrong. He won't listen to anyone he gets defensive and shuts them out. All of his friends are mine as well so I don't think he will get much support from them for what has happen. So right now about the only person he has is the OW. Not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing. Another I forgot to mention is that the OW likes to drink and party alot and H is not much of a drinker. But I did notice that when he came friday night to leave me he had been drinking a little bit. Guess he needed that have the courage to do what he did or else to hide his true emotions. But none the less I can't do anything about it, guess he is going to have to fall down before he can get up and realize his mistakes.

Hugs
Hurting

"guess he is going to have to fall down before he can get up and realize his mistakes."

Sometimes it takes a lot of bumps & bruises to make one realize they they need to stop walking into the wall. I (unfortunately) was definitely one of those very stubborn people ... have got a permanent knot on the back of my head to prove it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just received a call from son in Indiana. Seems H talked to him and told him he had left me again. I had not told him yet because I was not ready to. H then questioned son if he remembered the OW. Son told him he was not sure. H said she is really nice and you will like her. I am just so pissed he did this. I can't figure out why he had to talk about OW with our son. My son then asked H when I was going to take our 2 yr old grandson back to them. H told him in August during his vacation , that him and I would bring the grandson back together. He told him he did not want me to have to go to Indiana by myself and we would do it together. Why would he even suggest going together for a 3 day trip when he does not want to be home with me? I can't imagine being in a car with him for 2 days like nothing is wrong. Has he really lost his mind? I do know one thing for sure the OW will probably freak out about it. Any advice on how to handle this idea of his?

Wow this day seems to be getting better and better. Just had a talk with my 15 year old son. Seem my H his father told him the friday night that he is in love with the OW and no longer loves me but cares about me. Why in Gods name would he tell our 15 yr old son these things? This is not something he should discuss with our children. I am just amazed at how little reguard he has for peoples feelings. It also makes me wonder if he tells our children these things then maybe it is the truth and I may be fighting a loosing battle. I won't give up but seems everytime I turn around its something new, I am so upset over this. Someone please give me some insight into why he is dragging the kids into it?

hurting --- the WS - they act as if they have been abducted by aliens. The more they try to justify themselves and sometimes tell others what they think to be true, the "better" they feel.. and even more justified for their own actions.

How is your 15yo S dealing with this?

~A

"Why in Gods name would he tell our 15 yr old son these things?"

Your H is trying to justify his A. While we don't have kids, I did a very similar thing - I tried to justify my A to my friends, my family, anyone who would listen so that I didn't feel so alone and guilty. It's very unfortunate that your H has chosen to burden your son with his selfish motives. This is a terrible thing, and I'm certain very painful for you and confusing for your kids. Unfortunately, when a WS is deep in their A-fog, their judgement is often so clouded that they would do anything to preserve their "right and entitlement" to the A ... including hurting their own children. Think about it in terms of a drug addict. It's really no different.

I'm very sorry that you're having to deal with this. I'm not sure if your H is in any shape to reason with you, but my suggestion is to perhaps emotionally detach yourself from his indiscretions for a moment and see if your H is willing to discuss this like an adult. If so, request that he please keep his A between the 2 of you and leave the children out of it - for the sake of the kids.

BTW - have you read His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley? I think it will shed a lot of light on your husband's behavior and thought process. As the saying goes ... keep your friends close and your enemies closer? Well, the best way to help your H overcome his A is to know (and understand) his actions and thought process.

Good luck!

To answer the question of how my son is handeling what he was told is not real clear right now. He seems to be okay at this moment I don't think it has sunk in yet what his dad told him. I did tell him that his dad is confused and not sure of what he wants and to not allow anything he says upset him. I let him know that this is between myself and his dad and he need not worry about it, and that we will be ok with or with out dad. He seemed to accept what I said and understood he was not involved. I will speak to H about leaving the children out of this mess. They are suffering enough just by his actions and indiffrence to them and me.

Well the anniversary day is over and I made it through. I feel pretty good today. H called several times and I let the voice mail do the job for me. On last voice mail he asked me, Are you not going to talk to me anymore? Call me back. I called back he talked about getting his stuff and asking me if I told kids not to help him pack. I told him no I told them it was up to them if they wanted to help him, but that I would not force them to. He said ok and hung up. About 4 mins later he called back to explain why he wanted the kids to help him was he knew what size storage unit he would need to store stuff. After he told me that I decided to tell him how I was feeling one last time. I told him I was not giving up on us but I understood he has made a descion and I would respect it. I did say I still loved him and the door was open for him when and if he ever decided to talk about working it out. I told him this was last time I would ever talk about it to him it was now up to him. I let him know I was going to move on with life and make myself a happier and better person and that I do take ownership on the things I did or did not do that pushed him away. But I strongly told him I do not or will not accept the blame or ownership of the descion he made to go to another woman or not tell me how he was feeling, these are things he needed to own himself. I talked to him for about 25 mins. he never denied, justified, or defended himself in any way shape or form. The only words he said was I am sorry for hurting you. And at the end when I told him the door was open for working on our M he said ok. I expected him to blow and tell me I was wrong and he would never come back and that he didn't love me anymore, but he never said anything. So I am not sure how to take his not reacting in anyway. But like I said this is the last time I will discuss this with him, he now knows how I feel, the rest is up to him. I am working on me now and can't worry over what he does or how he acts.