It's easy to understand what a lunatic says and thinks ... esp. when you were a lunatic before. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Glad I can help ... keep posting!

Another day in Paradise. Woke up this morning and really feel pretty low today. I really want to call WH just to hear his voice, and I hate that I feel the need to do that. I makes me feel that he will just take adavantage of it and say to himself I have her were I want her. I don't want that from him I want him to miss me and want to come home. I know not talking and seeing him everyday would be the best thing for me. But its so hard to stay away from him or just hear his voice. Especially now that I my son told me what he said saturday night. I know he wants to work on our M and I know he loves me so why can't he make the right decision? I hate feeling this way. I am keeping busy around the house and with the kids but its nighttime and early mornings that get me down so bad. I just miss him so much.

well my my...
is it not the perfect time for you to mix things up a bit..

time for you to call a friend of HIS/the Family to come over in the very near future...and HELP you move this or that...or repair this or that....
and make sure mr. hubby finds out in an offhand way...so that when he starts his I'll be there for you mantra..

you batt your eyes.....and smile and say...
but dear I know your back has been bothering you...and you are sooo busy these days...and I knew that johnnylunchbucket would not mind at all helping me out...
honest dear....I didn't want to bother you...

also consider painting or changing a room around without his input advice or advanced warning...

also consider cooking something marvelously smelling right when he's coming over...and DON"T share...or have his I mean your favorite brownines cookies in the over....and think about offering ONE!@!!! but no more....

leave some pamphlets out about cruises or trips ....and make no comment on any of your plans...

feel him out if he'd be available for the kids cause you may be going 'somewhere...;..

when is your plan b date....

sounds like you are doing well

ARK

Funny, Ark. I wrote almost the exact same thing to another MB pal who has his WW on Plan B.

Hurting - This is exactly how my H got me back. I've got plenty of ideas if you're interested.

Good luck!

Whisper,
I am ready for any idea's you have. Yesterday I did real well and did not call him at all. He did try calling my cell and got no answer. He fially called the house phone and my daughter answered and first question he had to her is where is your mom? She told him she didn't know. Well then he told her some story of having our son mow the yard and spray for fleas. Anyhow he never tried to call me all day. It was hard for me not to call him but I decided to lay low and not be at his beck and call. This morning he did call to let me know of some place he saw that was hiring. I told him ty and that was the end of conversation. Daughter called him last night and he was out with OW ordering food. Seems as he was talking to d OW got a little loud and he told he her, "Do you have to talk so loud?" I am sure things in LALA land is not going very well. I mean she already chewed him out sunday about something our son did that was really trivial and now he is telling her not to be so loud. Also I looked at cell records and he is calling her more during the day the last few days than ever. He called her cell 7 times and once on her job and talked for 24 mins. Most of the time his calls are like 2 to 4 mins. I can't help but feel that talking to her on job for so long that something is going on. Everyone thinks she has gotten on to him for being around me so much. So now he is trying to stay away. I mean he has talked to me and come by our home everyday since he has moved out. Yesterday was first day of NC with me. I have decided to limit contact with him for now and lay low and see what happens. I will call him maybe tomorrow just to say hello and let him no I was thinking about him and make sure he is doing ok. No more talking about myself or our relationship for now. Just going to make him wonder what I am doing and act happy. I just wonder if absence really makes the heart grow fonder and if he will miss me. Guess one way to find out is try it. He has not had the chance to miss me yet because of seeing him so much. My mother and his seem to think that not having much contact with him will help him ralize what he is missing. His mom and mine said to me that since he comes by so much he gets his fix of me and our home so it makes it easier for him to go to OW everyday. Any feed back would be great at this time.

this is the exact time in your plan to meet his needs while ALSO mixing things up for a bit....

be pleasant and charming...

answer that phone as if in the middle of something really funny....and be a little distracted when he's on the phone...if/when he asks what's so funny...say oh nothing..what can i do for you...

plan a bar-b-Que or a dinner party...and fill your home with old aquaintances that used to be part of his world...better if they are people he likes...but who have lost respect for his disrepectful choices...

don't be abrupt with him on the phone...be light and fluffy....just a little distracted..

I am serious about hiring or enlisting the help of a family friend for some chore he could/should do..

I am serious about leaving out phamphlets on trips..stop at a local travel agent...get ones for local day trips as well as exotic cruises....etc...

paint and change a room totally....

do something that you used to do as a family with you and the children..something he enjoyed local amusement park..etc....
let him feel the reality of his choices in his bones...

leave some new sexy undies or lingere hanging in the bathroom when he is over....a thong perhaps if that is something you don't usually wear...or a new one if you do..

simple things..
music on in the background loud and happy...when he calls say ooooh let me turn that down.....

good smelling things in the kitchen wrapped up in a basket with a bow....with a card attached..and if question say..oh it's for a new friend of mine that did something nice for me....

seriously consider joining habitat for humanity..you will meet gobs of people..gobs of ages and have fun....join with your kids...

ARK

Thank you ARK for the ideas. I am going to try them out and see how it goes. I am pretty sure at this time he is going to try and stay away for a little while just to please OW. But I do no he can't do it for long. I have already started on the house and I know he is going to be shocked when he see's it. I also have gotten rid of some things that he has commented on. I got rid of fish tank because I just didn't want it anymore. He asked me why, I said because I didn't have the time to deal with it and since he was gone I didn't see the need to keep it. He asked me to please get his petrified rocks and stuff out though cause he wanted them. I got them back and he seemed ok with it. Alot of our mutual friends have now talked to him and told him how they feel. He tried hard to justify to them but they just tell him he has lost his mind. Most have told him they would will not condone or be around OW with him. He is feeling the pressure now from friends and co-workers over his chose's. He says he does not care what other people think or feel, but I know he does. Most people are telling me that he just looks unhappy and is not the same happy go lucky person he was. He is being very quiet around people and not joking and laughing like he has always done. I believe reality is creeping in now and he has no idea what to do. Alot of our friends feel now that he is starting to see it but is stuck and can't figure out how to get out of this. They all seem to think because of how stubborn he is he needs to find a way out that will make him look good and not the bad guy. Most seem to think that the only way he can get out is to be mad at OW so he can justify leaving her without feeling like a fool. Of this I am not so sure but I do know thats how he handles most things. He has to be angry to walk away to make himself feel good about it. Any idea on this?

Great suggestions, Ark. Here's what I recommend too ...

I would STRONGLY suggest that at this point, you need to refrain from all contact - esp. love letters, romanctic gestures, etc. You need to make yourself (or make yourself appear to be) independent, out-going, happy, good-looking, confident, responsible & fun - all the things that a man wants in a woman. With what you've shared, I'm certain that he's in limbo-hell right now and doing the comparing/contrast analysis. This is good, esp. if he is with the OW b/c "distance DOES make the heart grow fond" while (this is my own saying) "closeness (to the OP) will show you how messy a Monet truly is." If you want suggestions ...

1. Spruce up your wardrobe - check out Cosmo or Vogue magazines for ideas.
2. Buy a couple of "cool things" (paintings, sculptures) for the house.
3. Randomly leave ticket stubs or receipts of the fun things you've been doing on the counter (esp. outings that you know he'd probably enjoy). My H had a Hawaii lei with a shot glass attached hanging on our pantry door.
4. Take down or turn over some of the pictures of the 2 of you. Definitely leave a couple of his pictures facing down!
5. Go away for a weekend trip somewhere. Have your parents watch the kids. Don't tell him where. Just ask him to please watch the pets for you (if you have any).
6. Oh!!! (the kicker) ... leave a phone number on a yellow sticky that he doesn't recognize or a business card w/ some man's name ... with a phone number scribbled on the back.
7. If you're one of those gals that writes to-do lists as reminders for herself, leave a list in an area he may see to include: pick up dry cleaning, call *weird phone number*, call carpet cleaners, call *friend* for lunch, pay bills, take dogs to groomers, etc.
8. Buy some self-help books and leave them on your bedside table.
9. Spruce up the kitchen, living room, bedroom, etc. Buy yourself some pretty flowers and/or candles for the kitchen.
10. Pick up some real estate brochures, magazines, house ads, etc., and leave them on the kitchen counter.
11. Whatever you do, when he calls or emails, don't respond immediately! Wait a few hours or a day.
12. If you know when he's stopping by next, get gussied up like you're going out on the town and then leave when he's still there. If he asks, just tell him you're visiting a friend.

Note: My H didn't do these things to "get me back." He did them to survive. But, this is also what gave me the reality kick in the rear that got me to turn around.

Hope it helps,

Tahnks whisper and ark for the great suggestions. I am going to put this all in action now. He has called again and I didn't answer this time. He left me a voice mail telling me he wanted our son to mow and clean the patio so he can spray for fleas. I am not going to call him back. I also am not going to allow him to call here and dictate to the kids what to do. He walked out so he has no right to try and run my household and the one he is living in. He made the choice to leave so to bad for him. I am now at the angry stage and he is not going to dictate anything here. I am not going to go off on him or anything I will be pleasant and all but he is going to know I am not a doormat and he can do what he wants or come and go as he wants. Enough is enough, he is going to see a new and improved woman here. Happy and independant even if I have to fake it for awhile but as time goes on it will become reality. I want him to come home have no doubt about that but I know if he see's the changes it will make a big diffrence and hopefully will make him realize just what he is walking out on. Again ty for all the great advice.

mow the lawn and spray for fleas yourself...or better yet get a family friend to do it...and then call and say thanks for the offer but no need to concern yourself...

get it?

ark

hurting - Oh, what a blessing - FLEAS! Next time he calls, I would just tell him that you don't want your son bringing home fleas to your home. Maybe he can hire someone.

Listen to ark and Whisper. They have great ideas. Ark helped spider slayer make her home warm and welcoming and now SS and her husband have been in recovery for months.

Good for you, Hurting! No matter the outcome, you'll be a better, happier person with these changes!

Hang in there!

Well here we go, after avoiding me all day yesterday he has now called me 3 times in the last hour with things he really need not be concerned with fleas, and other stuff that really don't matter. Yuo know if he don't ant to live here why is he so concerned over what I am doing and what happens here? The man is NUTS!!!!!! But I still love and hold out alot of hope .....

Well I pretty sure things with OW are not like he thought they would be. They seem to be sniping at each other. Pretty funny if ya ask me. Now he is going to get the furniture my son is giving us out of storage today for me. I didn't ask he called and said if I get off in time I am going to go get it. I said if you like, ty. Called my friend and she said how funny, after one day of not talking to you seems he can't stand it. She seems to think he just wanted to hear my voice. I don't know but I really believe reality is kicking in somewhat now. This A of his is only a little over a month old. They only started it the middle of June and and by the first of July he is moving in with her. Guess all the fun they had was short lived. Not saying he is ready to come home at all but I no its not all fun and games for him now , plus he has no money to contribute to her since he is paying all bills here and having to drive further to work with his gas guzziling truck. Oh well live and learn they say .....

"Yuo know if he don't ant to live here why is he so concerned over what I am doing and what happens here?"

I do hope you understand the reason why he's doing these things. He doesn't want to let you go b/c he can't fully decide. He still wants his cake and eat it too. When in limbo-hell, the WS wants everything at home to remain as just they are so that if/when the WS decides that he'll return, life hasn't moved on without him.

"The man is NUTS!!!!!!"

Again, it takes one to know one ... and I'm referring to me.

"Now he is going to get the furniture my son is giving us out of storage today for me."

I do recommend following Ark's advice on this. Tell him not to worry about it. You can call XYZ (male friend) to come and help. Plus, you've got that dinner with a friend that you have to run to and you can't be at home, right?

well as far as the furniture goes he is the one with the key and code to get it. I am going to let him bring it but I am going to be very polite and ty and not stand around and try to make conversation. I know nothing is going to happen soon and I am ready and willing to wait and do what I need to do for myself and children. He knows how I feel about all this so I am not going to repeat myself to him any more. He knows he has to make a descion and your right he is still undecided in his head. I keep going back to Saturday and what he told my son. "I love your mom and want our marriage to work". Well time will tell.

Don't be fooled by him saying to your son that he wants the marriage to work. He could hardly tell him that he wants to live with the trollup.

Your best course of action is to keep your home warm and welcoming. Is it sparkling clean? Try to get it that way. Like Ark says - put some flowers around. Get rid of clutter.

Your husband is coming from a place that has fleas (hehe). He will notice the difference.

Oh he had no problem telling son he wanted to live with OW. He told him Friday a week ago he loved the OW and was moving out. The one week later he tells son he loves me and wants marriage to work, but made son promise not to tell me. I can't imagine why he would lie to son, its not like they were talking about it. It came out of the clear blue to son. Oh yeah house is getting there. Been doing some repair work and painting so all is nt perfect but will be in a day or so.

I am going to let him bring it but I am going to be very polite and ty and not stand around and try to make conversation


do you WANT this furniture...

then clear a space in the garage or somewhere......let him drop it there

better than hanging back while he's there...be one the way OUT the SECOND he comes in...in rush...looking fab...smelling better....whistling....and yelling thank you darling for bringing the furniture just leave it there i'm sure I will have plenty of help arranging it....

toooda Looooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

do you GET it.....

ARK

Yeah, do what Ark says.