Ark what you have said makes so much sense to me. Your right he does not know what love is at this time. So by my actions I can show him I love him with out having to say it. I give him respect and not argue and be honest with him shows him how I care. Am I grasping this correct?

{{{{hurting}}}}
You are doing so well!!!You are getting great advice and you are using it. Its working in several ways...it shows WH what he is missing...he's confused because his reality is not matching up the fantasy he has created...more importantly it helps you regain your confidence and feeling of self worth. How ever this turns out you will be able to look in the mirror and know you have done all that you can. You go girl!!!

ty confused for saying those kind words. I am doing my best to follow all the wonderful advice here for sure. Sometimes its so hard to do , I just want to whack him over the head and say " What are you thinking." I know he miserable and missing his home but he is to far gone in the fog to realize what he is doing. It hurts me more to see how he is treating his children and mother the way he is. Somedays I just wish he would go away but I know thats not what I really want. Since the big blow up the other day he had, I have no intitated any contact with him at all. He has done the calling and of course yesterday he blew me away with his runaway story. So now I wonder if my not contacting him is making fell like I don't care or is he wondering ? What should I do , should I contact him or not?

Just got off the phone with WH. He is now saying that he has put leaving here on hold and is trying to get a city job. But he stressed to me that what he told me about getting on with his life he means. He says I did not mean to hurt you but I have to do what I have to do and move on with life. I told him I understand that and he needs to do what he needs to do. I told him good luck with the job thing and if he feels the need to move on then thats what he needs to do. Is this more babble or maybe he really means it and its over.....

Wait till tomorrow....

when he calls with his new jobs...

1..selling stick on tattoos following OZZY OZBOURNE fest around this summer...

2..trapeze artist for the circus

3..novel writer

4..singing jingles for commercials on the radio

5..web master for a start up company selling land in florida

6..TOWEL BOY AT THE LOCAL CLUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

7..grounds keeper at a church

ark

Good ones ark... lol So what your trying to say is he still is unsure of what he wants? I still wonder if he really means what he says about moving on? He says no one asks him what he wants or how he feels and is always telling him what he is doing is wrong. Could he really be done with the M? I wish I knew for sure or is there still hope?????

"did you tell your H over and over you didn't love him?"

Yes. Every time we talked about reconciliation, I said it. I did this for 1.5 years. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Ty for answering that question whisper I really appreciate it. I still have hope for this M and will not give. WH is now at the point of were he is so conflicted and unsure , I am going to let him to his on devices. I will be supportive and listen but will not react emotionally to anything he says anymore. I think he just needs the space to figure out what he needs and wants in life. If its our M so be it if not I will go on and be happy and I truely hope he will be to .

Went to the library today and got a book .. the Road Less Traveled. My brother insisted that I read it and it would help me understand more about whats going on. I am not sure but I will read it. tomorrow is the appt. with the attorny for the legal seperation papers. I really don't want to do this but he has left me no choice anymore. I know this is going to really set him off. But I know I need to protect myself and my son. I am feeling a little down right now because of having to do this legal mess, I just don't want it to push him further away. I have been so strong for days now and tonight I feel so down. I really miss him and just want this all to work out ......

Just was with my in laws. They are so supportive of me and son. Mother in law is so disgusted with WH its so very sad. He has turned against all of them as well. I just wish he realized all the damage he is doing. It's going to be a long road back for him with his family. I know it will be a long hard road for us as well if we reconcile but his family and children didn't have to be part of his crazy fog state. I hope in time they can all forgive him and be happy. WH came by the house today with no warning. he dropped off some boxes to pack his tools in. It was strange he took the boxes through the gate to the backyard. After he did that he knocked on the door , I opened it and he came in and barely acknowledged his grandson or D. He walked straight out the backdoor and then returned to front door without saying anything. Finally he said I fixed the flap on the dog door. I said ty and he said see ya later , I tld him goodbye and take care. I can't figure out why he felt the need to walk through the house. I did not try to engage him in any conversation , he was so cold and pissy sounding and could not even look at me. I wish I had been warned he was coming over and I would have been more prepared. After he left I broke down and cried. I think it was because WH has never had to knock on his own front door in the 17 yrs we have lived here. It was heartbreaking to see him knock like a visitor to his own home. I guess since that was the first time he has done that it was hard to deal with but it will be okay as time moves on. I just wish the fog would lift and all would be ok. He is in such turmoil I can see it in his face, all of the guilt, indecsion, and pain. I know he does not really know what he is feeling right now but one day it will come crashing down like a house of cards. I pray he can handle it when it does happen.

Hurting --- my WH told me that too. I told him good luck as well, and he's entitled to make his own choices. Difference is my WH seems v resolute and stubborn. He hasn't ONCE come back since he totally moved out. I've not asked him back for the keys yet.. I thought of doing that once the sep papers are signed.

Hang in there!

~A

Ashley,

I took the keys from my WH the night he left. H e asked why, I told him you don't want to lvie here you don't need a key. really made him mad. My WH has been here everyday for something or the other except for 6 days. He has been gone 3 weeks now and only one day of not talking to him about something. He calls me for some really stupid stuff. My WH is also stubborn as a mule but he also has a soft spot in there somewhere that he is hiding now that makes him at least own up to his mistakes, I just wish he could find that part of him now. but I figure its buried very deep for now. I keep praying that one day he will wake up and realize it all and the pain he has caused. But until then all I can do is love from a distance and allow him to play this out and make his mistakes. I will never give up hope for him coming home until the day the judge says your not husband and wife anymore. And for now thats a long way for me. WH is in no hurry to get D, in fact he said he does not want one. OW is still married but been seperated for 6 yrs. She told him he does not need to D long as he stays with her. Pretty sick isn't it?

You hang in there as well !!!!!!

Hurting

Hey Hurting... At least you still have hope. I find hope dwindling more and more as each day passes! Especially, when I find myself ably "moving on" in slow but steady steps and then in the quiet moments, I wish that we were walking together onwards in this, but since he's "gone"... I plod along alone.

I don't know if WH is in a hurry for a D or not. He was SURE in a hurry to get separated. Kept chasing me for it. So he now has the final draft ...and I haven't heard abt it yet. I don't know if hurrying to be separated was his way of further avoiding feelings/guilt/ whatever. I really don't know. *shrug*

I don't understand being sep for 6 yrs. Might as well cut off the ties and get a D!

Hope this new day will be a better one for you!

~A

Ashley,

I asked WH why OW is not divorced yet, he tod me because she can't afford it. I told him you can't tell me that sometime in a 6 yr period that at least one of them OW or her H could not afford a D. I personally feel she has not done it so she could avoid making a permanent relatioship with anyone else. This woman has had many relationships over the last few yrs I have known her and she latches on to everyone one of them like a drowning woman. And my H is not the first married one she has had. So thats why I figure he will not be her last. She told my WH he does not need to get D as long as he stays with her.

My stomache is in knots this morning , I have the attorny appt. at 9 am to see about legal seperation for child support and spousal support. I know this is going to really make WH mad when it happens. I worry it will push him even further away. But I know its something I have to do. Protecting myself and my son is important. WH has been giving me money every week but without something legal I am afraid he will slack off.

going to get ready now for the attorney appt. I am so scared about this. I feel sick to my stomache. I fear this coud be the beginning of the end. Can someone tell me how the WH's usually respond when they are served seperation papers? Will it push him further away and into her arms?

hurting -

Don't be sick about it, just do it. Take care of securing your finances. I didn't, thinking it would be bad for the marriage. Big mistake.

When you talk to WH about it, just let him know that you will step up to take care of the family. He won't like it, but if you talk to him without LB's, it will be okay.

TY Believer for the words of encouragement. I know I am doing the right thing but it is scary. Maybe a good does of reality is what he needs.

One of the consequences of his actions is that you must secure the financial needs of the family. That is just life. I made a HUGE mistake in not doing it. WH was very happy to blow all of our life savings. Now he is back sniffing around to see if he can squeeze out a little more money. He has a sense of entitlement that is beyond belief.

When we were talking "settlement", I offered to put the house in his kids name too, to secure their future. I couldn't believe it when he wrote me back (he said "just between us", he doesn't want to do that). The bottom line is he wants to get the money out of this place NOW, so he and OW can splurge some more.

So do what you need to do. Your husband is not thinking at all clearly right now.

How did it go? Using a lawyer makes everything seem so real and permanent. I told my WH that I would do whatever I needed to do to protect our family. When I went to the lawyer he was floored. He thought I'd just sit home and pine away. It will definitely get his attention...but more importantly you really do need to do whatever it takes to protect yourself and your son...that means financially too.

From the sound of it, the OW leeches on guys to give her some form of security. I don't think this A will last either.

I agree with believer and confused42.. get the sep done to protect yourself and family. You cannot control his reactions so try not to worry about it. Worrying doesn't help with anything. It just gives you more stress and grey hairs!

~A