Well I can't use the attorney for anything they want $500.00 up front. With no income I don't have it. So its to legal aid I guess. WH called and said we need to talk and he would come by after work. I said ok. Well after some thought I called him back and told him if he was comign over to tell me again it was over and he didn't love me there was no need he had made that perfectly clear. He said no I wanted to talk about the divorce. I said what about it are you filing for one? He said yes and he wanted to know whatI wanted? He said I know you want the car. I did tell him I didn't want a divorce. I said I had not thought that far ahead, but if you want to file for one go ahead and do I won't stop you. He said well thats what I want. I said well I think you are being a little hasty, you have only been gone 3 weeks. He said well its what I want , I said then do it. He then said well we need to find out where our 15 yr old son wants to live. I told him I will talk to son about it. He said what is D going to do , I said she is moving out as soon as her and her friend can get an apt. so it will just be myself and son here. He then asked me do you still want me to come over, I told him no need to you said what you want and go file it. I do know he does not have the money to file. End of conversation. About 5 mins later he calls back to tell me to go fill car up with gas because its going up .30 I said ty. So is this another power play or what? I really wonder if he truely means what he says and really wants this divorce? I am more confused now than ever. The one thing I will say is he got no emotional reaction from me at all. I told him do what you feel you need to do. My brother seems to feel that WH is trying to get control back and the talk of divorce will fade away in a few days. Anyone have any advice?

Bumping for some answers if anyone has any .... Ark, whisper anyone !!!!!

Just talked with WH, he is still going on and on about how I pushed him away and ignored him. I am beginning to think he is truely done. I have tried to explain how I was feeling at that time as well but he just don't get it. I told him I am not trying to change your mind about the D or anything but I really need you to understand what I was going through. I am not sure anymore if we can save us. I think he is really fed up and won't ever try again.

(((hurt))))
Of course its all your fault! Why aren't you falling to pieces to make him feel all powerful?! (don't you dare...you are doing great) Did he find a lawyer in Iraq?
Isn't that where he was going to run away to?

I'm no expert but read up on plan B it may be time soon. ark^^ is great with plan B letters. Hang in there you are doing fine.

Isn't it all ways my fault? He seems to think so ... He is coming over after work to talk to me. I don't know how its gonna go but I plan on being strong and not falliong for any of his usual bull. I sure wish I could talk to the old H not this new fangled WH he is exhausting..... Hope I can keep it together .....

I would let him know that the family will be staying together. (You and your son, and whoever else). Let him know that you don't want a divorce, but can't be his jailer.

How did "the talk" go? I'm wondering whats next...joining the circus?...dying his hair blue?...holding his breath?...tearful apology?...could the fog have thinned a little. I hope you are ok...I know this is hard. Let us know how it went.

I don't have any wise advice, I'm afraid. My WH reacted the same as yours did.. He chose to separate 4 days after D-Day.. he even asked legal advice re: a D on the 5th day after!! I told him it was foolish to make big decisions when one is still feeling emotional. Good thing, we cldn't D that quickly, because I think his lawyer friend told him that he - being the adulterous one - had no clear grounds to D. Hence, if there was a need to file a D , it had to be me. Plus, if we D'-ed this quickly, we will stand to lose alot of money because of the spanking new apartment we just moved into less than 6 mths ago!

And yep.. all the reasons given to me by WH seemed to be my fault as well. I've chosen not to replay them in my mind too much and take it as confused babble.

But then lately, since I've not seen or spoken to him, I don't hear any more of his nonsense babble!!

~A

he came over last night and we taked for 2 hours. I think the fog has lifed some. He told me he really does not want a divorce. He says he does love me but is afraid things will go back how they were. I told him I understood how he felt. I also had those fears. We seemed to make some headway. He said I do love you , more than anyone, but he does care alot for OW. He is still conflicted but he is making progress. Still have a ways to go though.

Hiok,

U know what stands out to me? Well after only reading the last 2 pages of your thread, it is amazing how your H goes from knocking on his door on 8/4 to asking to meet about D that he claims he wants, to actually coming over and saying he loves you but is scared all in less than 48 hours. See the swing?

When we journal and put a time line on the WS' action's, it is clear how confused the A has made them. That is why it is critical for the BS to get a plan and execute it properly.

You handled yourself well. You may not feel strong but you are.

What is now in your favor is your strong stance vs his wishy washy one. Get a good command of reverse babble (as you have been doing) and you will survive.

Keep up the good work. This is definitely an uphill battle but it is worth it. Even if the D happens, we as the BS and family know we have done all we could. Just wanted to let you know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Time for you to be a little too busy right now to meet with hubby and take all his phone calles..

time for you to get a little too involved with something else...not have so much time to listen to his ad-nauseum goings on about divorce and leaving and job changes...


time to quit ALL relationship talk..

Husband..I do not want a divorce.
I see no point in discussing diviorce unless someone files.
and even then it will be handled via attornies....

in his two hour speel did he tell the children???
would he really tell the children???

time for some illusions of you moving on with some things..inspite of you having NO money to really do these things ...

no more meeting to talk for a good week or so..there's no point to meeting..
words are empty and meainingless...
if he files deal with that reality...
but all this other stuff just wastes your time and puts you in emotional flux...

"sorry dear tonights not a good night to come over to talk...

well I have some plans with some friends...

no just some friends...
just out...

dear you don't live here so I am not clear as to where I am going would be any concern of yours....

talk to you later bye bye..."

that is your new response to

I am coming over tonight on a friday night to talk...

he has you sitting exactly where he wants you..

EXACTLY

time for you to mix it up...

time for you to say...

you can't come over then...

our friends sus and tom are coming over for a cookout....and so is...blank and blank...and we will be busy with a pitcher of sangria...so I really don't think it's a good time for you to come....

I am so serious about enough with the words...and start modeling in ACTION the reality of his chioices and more likely unchoices....

quit being so available to listen to his babble...

I am also serious about you joining habitat for humanity or some other community function that connects you...gets you in touch with tons of different people....and gives you a hammer to swing....

your new mantra..

dear I would love to talk to you...but tonights not so good I have plans...ooooh someone's at the door...gotta GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARK

WH's conversation for today. Well, after the tears and I love you and I want to come home talk yesterday. Today was another story, I meant what I said I do love you, but I love you both equally. I am torn as what to do, I wish I could have both of you.

NEVER GONNA HAPPEN !!!!

I feel like I am being pulled equally in both directions, which one is going to be the stronger woman? I am thinking about my feelings and what I need. I tried so hard to make you happy I gave you material things and it din't work. I don't want a divorce, but if we do what do you want? I see you are changing and getting stronger I like it. OW loves me as much as you do, and I know we only been together 7 weeks but her love is like yours.

OH GIVE ME BREAK.......DO I LOOK THAT STUPID !!!!!

I know we have has 24 yrs together and i remember the good and bad, ups and downs but I have to look to the future not the past.....

YEAH RIGHT 24 YRS COUNTS FOR NOTHING NOW !!!!!

Ok thats pretty much how it all went. I didn't respond to much of it except for the fact I told him .... I knew your mind would change by this morning so I was prepared for it. Oh yeah he gave me some papers to read and low and behold they were letters written by the OW to him. So curiosity got to me and I read them ..... She loves him like no one else she has ever loved, they are SOULMATES, she wants to grow old with him and spend the rest of her life with him....etc. etc. He then says to me see her letters to me are just like the letters you have written me, you 2 are so much alike. And yup he is right almost the same thing written as n mine but I never used SOULMATE in mine. I almost wanted to throw up it was so sickening. I can't believe he fell for her line of crap. He sure has alot of waking up to do. Plan B is not far off thats for sure..... But I did not let any of what he was saying get to me , I was unemotional about it all and matter of fact with him. But once he left I let it all out and called my brother who then said to me I told you he is following the script real well..... Bro was a WH once and he has been right on the money so far with everything. From the cake eating to when I asseerted myself and WH got mad and threatend with D and taking it back..... Really kinda scary how right he has been .....

((((((hurting)))))))
STUPID ALIEN!!! He is so following the script. I'm so glad you are here to get help dealing with this.

Confused,

I sure wish I knew who wrote this stupid script cause I would sure like to shoot them....lol Sure am glad i am here to and real thankful for my brother he has been a life saver to me. To bad he lives 1400 miles away. he says now I should expect a repeat of everything again except it will be more dramatic. Brother told me the card WH didn't paly so far is the I only have 6 months to live one , so let me keep both of you! LOL But WH did say he thinks he is gonna have to go to dr for his back, and he feels surgery may be the next step. ( WH had bad truck wreck few yrs ago , and messed his back up) ....If this wasn't so serious and hurtful it would almost be laughable.... I just can't believe they all say and do the same things ....

its kind of a sad comfort. We think we are isolated and unique and no one will understand. And here we are and we know EXACTLY how you feel cause we've been there too.

I am so thankful everyday that I found this MB website.It truely saved my sanity. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Now this is where it gets annoying that YOU are entertaining and giving psuedo weight to ANYTHING he says...

his ACTIONS are not loving towards you OR the OW or the children...his actions and word visit great pain and disrespect on to ALL they encounter...

why are sitting at home waiting to listen this stuff...
it is similar to a teenager explaining to you after being in a school play..... how they are planning to quit high school expecting they will have the next greatest acting career....

you need to step up your plan a with boundaries and STOP exposing yourself to his craziness..

the problem with exposing yourself is that what he is saying is SO ludacrious that there's no point in powerstruggling it or discussing it...
BUT
in his head you listening to him is equal to accepting what he is saying...

you are devoting way too many hours of your life to listening to his waffling bs..

one day it's hours of I don't love you
then it's hours of I am moving to OZ...Mars
then it's hours of I do love you and her..

you better shake this boys foundation by mixing things up..
by agreeing that he can come over..then changing your mind cause you are going somehwere and I don't care if you sit in the dressing room at local dept store....

do it....

he has you and her exactly where he wants both of you...and your entaining minutes of babble doesn't clarify YOUR boundaries to him....he will use this to blame you..and while I understand you didn't agree with him..you still listened to him....though it can be like watching a train wreck difficult to turn away from..it would have been the perfect time to say....
that's lovely darling but can we wrap this up...I am supposed to be somewhere shortly......

you should also write you plan B letter here very soon so that it is ready to roll..
also you should prepare for exposure to some idiotic move on his part...buying her a ring...etc..cause that sounds like what he's preparing you for...

ARK

Hi,

Please read Ark's post carefully. She wants you and you need to get your mind and heart in sync so you can execute a proper plan B. Remember plan B is not about the WS, it is about you and your family.

Your WS is on a rollercoaster addtictive ride that he can not stop....not yet. He hasn't bottomed out yet. The OW is manipulative and right now working OT to keep her alien man. She is an alien also. BTW she comes directly from the mother ship and when she isn't in human form, she is gross and destestable. Howz that for a visual? LOL!!! I watched too many Star Trek TV shows back in the 60 - 70s. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

So it is vital to get your mind and heart in sync. So that you are not having internal conflict as you move forward. You need to be totally focused on the correct objective and stick to the same plan regardless of which way the WS blows his babble.

R U ready? What type of MC do you have and what are your personal boundaries? Think long and hard on the boundary question.

Have you read Love must be tough by Dr James Dobson? Also read His Needs/Her Needs by Dr W. Harley. Dr. Harley's book will help you learn how to communicate with the other gender. Dr Dobson's book will help you through plan B as the roller coaster rages on.

L.

I have thought long and hard, and I do believe I am ready for plan B now. I just can't take anymore of this babble stuff. As far as a ring or something goes it will have to be from the Cracker Jack box. The man has no money or xredit worth a crap to get her anything. Not only that she is married herself but seperated for 6 yrs. so a ring really would not mean crap, unless they have both hit the lotto.

I also wonder why he needs to talk to me about OW, things like how they go for walks and what she cooks etc. etc. and he tries to tell me about their sex life and how its not like it was with me. And from the little bit he got out its like he was complaining about it with her. I did put a stop to that one , I told him I don't care or want to know about that. I did tell him last night I don't want ot hear anymore about the OW and what she does or dosn't do. Whne he got ready to leave last night , he looked at me and said I do love you and I mean it and kissed me bye. Yeah sure , he sure isn't showing any actions to prove it.

I will not lie I am afraid of Plan B, afraid it will push him further away but I know in my own mind it has to be done to save my sanity and love for him.

So today I will start on my Plan B letter and work it out. In the mean time I am limiting all contact. I will not call him or answer any of his calls. I need to be left alone and work this out.

Ty all for you help I do appreciate it very much.

B4 you do your letter, what is your objective and what are your personal boundaries? Don't make the list too long. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

do you mean objective for the letter? and the personal boundries is for the letter as well? This is confusing to me.