ty Orchid for your response. But I am wondering since they live together how could I be a topic of there conversations? I am pretty sure she does not know when he comes by here. And I am sure she does not know how much he calls me. About the only thing she could say about me is the fact he has to pay all the bills and give me money because I still have not found a job yet. I know he has not told her anything that goes on between us or our conversations. Oh and another question I have is , since he now is saying he does love me even when he calls is it still normal for him not to come by the house? Not that I want him to but I was just wondering if avoidance is still normal for the WH?

You have been the hot topic..when fuel to the fire dies out OW will not be happy. OW in my sitch was a family friend and I had even confided in her how moody and withdrawn my H had become. They must of had a good time with that. "She's all upset again. Boo hoo! Get a life!" When I stopped getting upset and started taking actions to protect myself and my kids i.e. opening a bank account. It became "I don't want to do anything to make her suspecious...we don't want trouble from her." I have documentation of some of their conversations. Let HER imagination work for a while. "Why isn't he talking about her anymore?" "Why did he smile when he talked to her on the phone?"

It doesn't sound like La La land is so much fun anymore.

I guess I am confussed about how the OW thinks. This woman knows me. Not that we were close friends, just casual aquatances. I truely think that WH says nothing about me or what I do to her. He does talk to me about her and things they do but I am pretty sure he says nothing about me to her because it would rock the boat so to speak. I mean when his wallet was left here Saturday night when it fell out of his pocket he called his sister to bring it to him because he had met OW at Walmart. I believe the OW really believes he is being truthful to her about nothing happening between us. He has told me that she said she will not share him with anyone , so I really think she believes he is faithful to her. Nothing has happen between us recently because I won't allow it now but I wonder if she is really that secure in the relationship and their future.

WH just called and chit chatted about normal stuff, it was a conversation just like we have had for many yrs. I didn't have much to say , I let him ramble on about work and the kids. He told me to check his bank account and let him know how much is in there, he wants to give me more money to go grocery shopping. If I had not known better I would have sworn I was talking to my H and not the WH he has become....

Called WH and told him how much was in the bank. He told me what to take out. He acted a little cool but then again he is at work. Oh he also wants me to up our plan on our cell phones for more anytime mins. I guess thats because I told him the other day about how he ran over all the mins. by calling OW at work and on her cell. Now we have 300 mins over we have to pay for because of all his calling her during the day. The cell phones are in my name not his. When we got them we got the minimal mins because mobile to mobile was unlimited, now he wants me to raise it I am sure so he can call OW all day and not be charged. I look at the cell calls daily to keep up on the mins and I swear he calls her like 8 times a day. He sure never called me that much. I guess maybe he figures he don't call her that much she may forget him !!!! LOL I don't want to raise the mins. to give him more time to call her , I mean darn he lives with her isn't that enough???

Bumping for some replies!!!!!

IMHO...It sounds like WH is sitting on the fence...playing both of you. He likes having 2 women at his disposal. Think about it he wants you to do errands for him to help him keep in touch with her!!!

Sounds like he has some control issues with money. He doesn't know how much money is in his own account but then gives you "permission" to pay bills. What are you doing to protect yourself finacially? Do you know what it costs to run your household? Try to get him to agree to financial arrangement...It cost $XXX to run the household expenses, Send it to him in an email and have him confirm it. Get it notorized (probably free at town hall or bank you have account at).until you can get to a lawyer. You need to protect your family. With his ups and downs you can't trust a word he says or what he might think is a good idea.

just my thoughts

I think your right about the fence sitting for sure. As far as the bank goes I have always done the bill paying he has no idea. The account has both of our names on it but since this is the account his pay goes to I am doing the right thing by asking him first for the money. I went to a lawyer and cant afford one. I called legal aid but it will be 3 weeks before I can get any help, so until then I am at his mercy... Sure wish I could push him off the fence for sure, but alas I can't do it. I am still making very little contact with him. I don't aswer all of his calls and rarely call him back unless it is about money. I don't engage in senseless conversation either. I am trying to show him I am doing ok. And most of the time I am but at times I can't stand this . I just want to say to him , darn it make up your mind one way or another so I can just get on with life with or without you...... I hate this unknown stuff. And what makes it worse is I know he loves me of that I have no doubt its just this back and forth thing I can't stand....

I hate limbo as well. It seems he is grasping at all the control he can get. Be prepared for your legal aid appt. In NJ (I don't know where you are so it probably different) you have to have cause for divorce, mental cruelty, adultry, extreme drunkedness separation longer than 18 months. Once you have grounds for divorce its all about finances and parenting time. Do your homework. Make a list of monthly bills, investments, insurances. Here there cannot be changes without 2 party consent until divorce is final. Do a web search for your state. Being prepared will give you something to focus on and make the process easier for you. Here there is no such thing as legal separation, but you can file for support and parenting without filing for divorce. Check out your state. I am no legal expert and I hope that you don't reach D. But I think you need to protect yourself. Do you have credit in your name alone? Thats another important issue. I've heard some rotten alien stories here.

Oh I think we are far from the D word. I still have hope it will all work out. I think I would feel it in my heart if he was done with me. And I truely don't believe he is done. I could be wrong but I don't think so. Anyhow in OKla. its a no fault state you can use adultry but it does not weigh to much in court. Or at least thats what I understand anyway. Lets put it this way he told me that he feels like he is being pulled in both directions by 2 elephants (great analogy Huh) and they are both pulling equally. I want him home she wants him to stay. He says he is torn. Anyhow my brother said to me after I told him this that I should feel good about it. I asked him why, he says because if WH feels equal pull both ways, then I do have somewhat of an upper hand because I am doing nothing to pull him except living my life and not bothering him and badgering him. Where he is living with OW and she has him on a day to day basis and her pull is no greater than mine. So I guess if you look at it that way it makes sense. Anyhow only time will tell.....

Had a great night tonite. Went out with some female friends and had a great time. Played some pool and had a drink. Was very surprised to have a man actually hit on me. I was scared to death. I politely told him no ty but you made my day. I guess I forgot how it felt to have another man notice me after being married 24 yrs. And before anyone says it to me, I am not interested in being with anyone else it was just a nice compliment that someone noticed me and made my confidence rise some. Sure wish WH would take notice ....

Glad you had a good time!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

ty confused, I did have a good time. It felt good to laugh and not think about all this ugly mess. We are going out again Wed. night. I am looking forward to it...

Hey-- glad you had a fun time. Continue having those fun times <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

At least your WH is still somewhat engaging you. Mine's like totally MIA and absolutely detached. He doesn't even act torn. LOL But then I don't see or talk to him so I don't really know? That has it's good and bad points since it's easier for me to not be on the emotional rollercoaster. But there are times when things do feel hollow... and I have v little hope he'll ever turn around.

I really do agree with confused42 that you shld try to get your financial state legally protected asap.

That reminds me.. I have to chase WH abt my sep deed soon. After him chasing and chasing me for it, it's now been 11 days that he's been chasing for it! Where's his sense of urgency now???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


~A

He is babbling and fishing for you to do something for the WS. But you shouldn't help the WS, you should help your H. Helping your H means NOT enabling the WS and NOT allowing yourself to get sucked into the WS babble.

Now w/b a good time to not only pull back but NOT up his minutes. He wants to babble with OW, he does it on his own cell not the one you pay for. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Yep you are enabling the A if you are paying for the tools he uses to communicate with the OW on.

L.

Oh don't worry Orchid I am not uping any mins at all. In fact he told me he went to cingular and tried to get another phone line. I asked him why? He said so he could give it to OW and it would be mobile to mobile. But he said they wanted $150.00 deposit and he don't have it. I said well have OW get it herself.... I am not ging to do anything to help him with this at all. The cell phone he has is part of our family plan thats in my name. But he is paying the bill not me. I told him how many mins. over he is by calling her all the time and he now owes like $125.00 in charges because of it. I let him know 2 weeks ago he needed to slow down but he didn't. Oh well what an idiot he is......

I may have made a mistake yesterday. WH called and asked me to lunch. I agreed and had a nice time. We talked about kids and money. I was determined not to talk about us. Well WH looked at me and took my hand and said I really miss you. I told him I missed him as well. But then I told I won't wait forever for you. He looked at me and said you won't? I said no I won't , and if I was you I would not wait to long because I can not live like this forever. did I make a mistake in saying this to him? What was even funnier about this whole lunch thing is he had me meet him at his job , were everyone there knows what is going on. I saw a few of his co-workers and they looked surprised to see me. Any other time we have talked has always been here in our home he has not asked me out to be seen in public since he left home. I was wondering does this mean anything? I have not heard from him since lunch yesterday which is fine. And actually ut has not bothered me much at all. I did not get emotional or anything , I have not cried in a few days. So I think I am handleing things alot better now. Oh yeah I also told him that yes it was rough being alone at first but now I am getting used to it and its not so bad.

Anyone ????????

Hurt,
IMHO I don't think you made a mistake. You're not in plan B yet right? You didn't LB, you made you position clear. I think he is STUBBURN and still wants to cake it and you are making that very difficult! He tried the other outrageous tactics...showing up at the house, threat of running away, threat of lawyer...it didn't work you didn't give in or make the decision for him. So now it seems he wants to play nice...maybe then you'll go soft. If you give in he gets to have cake and eat it too. Makes for HAPPY ALIEN <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. If you blow up and fight with him its ALL your fault. Makes for a HAPPY ALIEN <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. You force him to make the decision with clearly stated, reasonable expectations he is CONFUSED UNHAPPY ALIEN <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />. Hang in there and wait for the wise ones to weigh in. I think you are doing just fine! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

well seems Wh called this morning ..... Seems like OW is pissed at him now. He called last nite to talk to son, and he was not here so WH asked me about a computer question which I answered. Anyhow he tells me OW is now mad at him for talking to me on the phone. he then calls me back and lets me know she is real pissed about the fact he may go to Indiana with me to take grandson back. Seems everyone backed out on me so really have n one else to help me make the trip. He says she got real mad about it. I asked him was he not going now due to the fact she is mad. He says no he is going, I am pretty sure she will try and talk him out of it tonite when he gets home. So I am not sure which way this is gonna go but either way I will be ok with it. I have already told him if he goes no R talk or OW talk. I just want ot take grandson back and visit with our son and daughter in law. I know it will be a difficult trip knowing he will go back to OW but I am preparred for it. Maybe I am hoping these few days will help us but I know the reality of it is almost nil. I do know that plan B is coming soon because I am tired of the chaos. Secretly I am also hoping that OW being pissed is a good thing, but of that I am not sure. I am pretty sure about one thing though , she must not have any idea that he calls me and comes by the house as much as he does since she had no clue about the trip until this morning and we are leaving friday. Can't believe she could be so stupid to think he has cut off all contact with me. I did ask him why are you telling me she is so pissed? What do you want me to do about it? I said after all I am your wife, not your mistress. I hope I can make it through this trip without loosing it......