Well I talked to him about it . He did admit she called him this morning to tell him she put his clothes in his truck. He never did admot to calling her though. I asked him was he really ready to work on our M. He said yes but no guarentees. I was about to tell him I knew about his phone calls to her. (he made anotherone at 4:30 2 mins long) when he got iratated and said can we change the subject this is making me jittery. So I let it drop for now. I am going to watch for tomorrow and hit him with it tomorrow nite. I did ask him also was I doing anything that bothered him and he said no. He say he can feel the stress in the house. I said how is that our stress causers are gone its very calm here, he said its like its in the walls. I then asked him did it bother him for me to show him some affection he said no as long as I don't over do it. I think that is from last time he came home and I did smother him bad. He has only been gone 2 days that time and came back for a week. I don't know but if he leaves again I do think I will be done. I love him so much but I can't take the pain of his leaving anymore......

Sounds like he is getting ready to climb back up on the fence...


...and just put some icing on the cake.



Nope. Its in him, where ever he goes there he is, your home or OW's pit the stress goes with him. Some drug addicts describe feelings of clousterphoiba (sp?) and bugs crawling under their skin during withdrawl.

I know you want him to just wake up a GET IT. I know you want him to stay and be your H. but...WH may NEED to leave again so H can earn his way home, remember its H you want not WH. Watch the cell phone use and don't let this drag on. STICK TO YOUR BOUNDARIES. I agree with mimi you should plan A as long as you can because if you do get to plan B you want it to be effective. I know these latest developements are disappointing. We want our WH to be the one exception to the alien script...sadly they are all programmed the same.

You will be in my prayers tonight.

Hang in there, hurting. I think you will do just fine. Your husband is very attached to you, whether he knows it or not. Just keep busy, cleaning, cooking, doing happy things. Invite him to join you doing things. He probably won't want to right now.

Also I would give him a HUGE dose of admiration, which is probably what the OW gave him. Tell him you are proud of him for giving this effort his best.

Let him know that the contined contact hurts you, but you have faith that the two of you can get through this.

IF he leaves again, then we have a plan for that too. He won't like it at all.

ty so much all for the advice and prayers. I wil do my best to stay calm and happy. I am going to watch the cell tomorrow and if contact is made I will talk to him about it. I do worry that when I say something he will leave, but if he does I will just continue to live and work on being happy. I do realize if he leaves Plan B will be in order as much as I don't like to do it.

I am beginning to wonder is my H still in there somewhere or am I fooling myself? Does he still love me somewhere in there? I just wish I knew ...

For a WS, he is very attached to you. My WH didn't want SF with me - he wanted to be "faithful" to the OW. He also never even gave NC a try.

If you think you may LB, write him a little note. However, I really, really think the two of you are going to make it. Let's hope that you don't have to go to Plan B, although that is what it may take.

I copied this off another post by Melody -

Faith, here is an excellent post by Pep about Plan A:

The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.

The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Psychologists call this "projection."

Beliver I took your advice and wrote him a letter telling him about the contact. I di dn't think I could do it without LB'ing all over the place. I gave it to him as he left for work. I also included a copy of Truhearts letter to WS's. I hope I dodn't do wrong by giving him truehearts letter but I felt he needed to read it. I know right now he may not understand it but I believe in time he will. I told him in my letter I knew about the calls and I was hurt by it. I asked him to please call me when he feels the urge to call her so we can talk it out. I hope and pray he will try...

H just called, he has read the letter I wrote. He told me you know I have other friends that work at Home Depot and I was talking to April because I owe her and Vincent some money. I did not talk to OW. I want to believe him but still not sure. April is our friend and she does work there so I guess its possible but I still have my doubts. I will continue to watch cell logs. I don't think he read truehearts letter yet because he has only been gone for about 15 mins. He sure read mine fast though. I doubt he will say anything bout the other letter for now but maybe just maybe it will stay in the back of his mind.

Hurting,

Listen this is where you have t/b strong.

What are your perosnal boundaries?

Implement them.

Let the WS know when you do NOT feel safe. No ILY, just let him know you know something doesn't smell right and if he doesn't confess, then say you don't feel safe, then show him the door.

Learn to reverse babble. Ws' are not great actors. It is just the BS wants to believe more than reality can give and we tend to see things through rose colored glasses. In reality you have a WS living in your house. Do you want the WS there or your H?

Plan B needs to start coming out of your back pocket and used. Think about this. Is your mind and heart in sync this time?

L.

Hurting:

IMHO, it seems important for you to remember that you are continuing to deal with a spouse that is in the fog and/or in withdrawal.

It is important for you to continue to "drive the car" and not ask a lot of him. He continues to be unable to think rationally and remains addicted. Therefore, he is liable to lie to you. It seems to me that you are asking him a lot of questions and are expecting him to answer you reasonably and honestly.

For example, I gave my H TRUEHEARTS letter, like you, during early withdrawal. Seems logical that he would have gotten it, right? He either didn't read it or else he told himself that it didn't apply to him. He continued to maintain secret contact. I'm not a counselor..just an amateur like all of us, struggling to try to deal with this. However, I will share that I was instructed by Steve H. not to pussyfoot around at this point. GO FULL FORCE into battle, Hurting. Deal with this directly or he is highly likely to become involved in the A again. It's even more ectastic for them to reunite after a breakup.

It's important to understand the ADDICTIVE ASPECTS OF THE A and the PAINFULNESS OF WITHDRAWAL!!!

"FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY!"

something bad has happen. Someone called OW's home and told her that he has moved back home with me and to leave him alone. He has told her he was staying with his sister. I have no idea who called OW but she called H and cussed him out. He then called me and asked me about it. I told him the truth I have no idea who it was. He then said if something like this happens again I am ouuta there. He then said he will now sleep on the couch and not with me. What do I do now???? I have no idea how this happen....

I don't think it matters how it happened-what matters is that it's important to him that OW not know he is home with his wife working on his marriage. Shouldn't that information have been in the NC letter anyway? It sounds to me as if he is looking for reasons to pull away from you and get back on the fence. I can't think of one good reason why he needs to keep OW from knowing he is back home where he belongs.

This is not making sense.

I thought he wrote a NC letter which should have said, basically, "I'm returning to my wife because I love her and I never want to see you again in my life".

So, if he was planning to reconcile with you, why would he tell her that he is moving back in with his sister?

He is mad with YOU because you will not go along with his deceitfulness?

I'm sorry, Hurting, this does not sound like true RECOVERY to me...

I'm not hearing repentance..

I'm not hearing him say how sorry he is that he is doing this to you...

Why is he focusing on where he is sleeping?

I would suggest a direct conversation with him as I suggested before, asking him does he plan to try to work on his MARRIAGE or not. That would mean writing her a NC letter, as indicated above, taking EXTREME PRECAUTIONS to prevent NC, and evidence of being sorry that he is putting you through this...

Let him know that it is not acceptable for him to treat you this way....

((((hurting)))))))

STUPID ALIEN!!! I agree w/ the rest it sounds like WH is trying another tactic to stay on the fence. Telling you both what you want to hear. Be strong. DO NOT accept blame for this...he is looking for excuses to be " outta here".
Get ready for plan B. I know this hurts and is very discouraging but the good news is he is still trying to engage you. He has not given up on you but it also sounds like he hasn't given up on La La Land either.

Not that it matters but I wouldn't be surprised if DD18 made the call...she is fighting for her family too.
Hang in there, be strong, we will be there to support you.

well guess it does not matter any more. he came to the house an packed his clothes and left now. I asked him if he was moving back ot OW he said no. She is done. He says he is going to ask some co-workers if he can stay there. He says he is done now he will not try anymore. He is going to leave me the cell phone tomorrow he has no use for it now. he told me if I needed him to leave a message at work. I told him all he I would need from him is money. I asked him why did he tell OW he was moving with sister, he says I don't know. I said I know why because if this didn't work you would still have that door open. He admitted that was true. I am not sure but this may be it, this may have done him in. he did call the number of who ever called and left them a message of this is none of their business and stay out of it. Thats what ht told me anyway. So now I think I will be in plan B without me having to do it. He says he will not see me for awhile. I just wonder if this is really over for sure now.

Just another tactic...get ready for plan B.

I betcha he was expecting you to beg him to stay. I think you handled it well. You have to keep your boundaries.

As far as it being all over...not in a long shot. Get prepared for battle.

not sure I have it in me to battle anymore. I didn't beg him to stay thats for sure. I did ask him could we talk this out and he said he has nothing more to say. he is at his siters house right now, I am not sure if he is staying there or not . I just don't know what to do now ...I am so lost and confused

Just called one of our best firends , seems she is one the phone with H right now. She has been talking to him for like an hour now. I'm not sure whats happening but she did say its going nice and mellow. Who knows ...