Hurting,

I understand about the email. My H doesn't do computers either. However, be intent about the cellphone. She is highly likely to call: "I just want to hear your voice..." and there they go.

The high from the A is addictive even though he wants to end it.

Again. Take Care.

ty mimi I will insist on the cell phone change for sure. I do know she has called him at his job before. He is hardly ever there but all it will take is one time. And he is not the one who answers the phone there. Yuo never know who will answer the phone there, and someone not knowing could give it to him if he is in the office waiting for a load.

Well things are awkward. We talk and laugh but its like being with a stranger. I want to meet his needs for attention and affection but am afraid of being smothering. I know its a fine line right now and I don't know which way to go. I am not sitting here watching like a hawk I do what I need to do and carry on as usual. But at times I want to walk over and just hug him or kiss him but am afraid he will back off. So far he has not done that but I still have the fear of it. I make sure house is clean , dinner done and look nice when he gets home. I know he notices but says nothing. He won't try and hug or kiss me unless I initiate it. Is this normal? We have had sex everynight since he has been home and its been good. So my question is do I just follow my heart and do what I feel is right or wait for him to do something? He told me do what I feel and it will be ok but I'm not sure.

remember what you learned here- take one step at a time and dont force anything. If I have learned anything my forcing does nothing but hurt me.

Treat him as you would a loved one who is grieving, suffering extreme emotional pain...

I remember early RECOVERY as being extremely difficult as you say...

Remind yourself that he has made the decision to be with YOU...

The main thing is to BE THERE for each other...

Spend as much TIME together as possible...fill up this time with MOOD ENHANCING activities...funny movies..flower gardening..browsing at the mall..pedicures...

SF is a MOOD ENHANCING ACTIVITY...that is good....

Checked cell phone logs and OW called H at 9:45 this morning and they talked for 8 mins. H and I wenty to lunch and I dropped him off at 1:00 pm. Checked cell logs again and he called her at 1:11 and talked for 26 mins. So N/C has been broken .. Now what do I do ???? Please someone help me here !!!! I am so worried and scared now ....

i'm so sorry this happened.

you want the experts to help-not me-im pretty lost myself

but from my reading's here i suspect that you will be told to confront your husband with your information

and he needs to get his cell phone number changed and i would get an UNPUBLISHED number for your home (of course if he wants to talk to her-he will)

i can't remember-is this a case where you have or have not exposed the affair?

if not....do it NOW!

(well not yet...wait to hear from others to be sure i know what i'm talking about!)

where is everyone? I need help too!

oh..even if you already exposed

you should tell abnout her continued contacts

oh exposure was done on d-day..... he has turned on everyone family and friends because they tell him he is wrong. I am worried now about this.....

((((hurting))))
Take a deep breath....and another. A little support until the wise ones weigh in. They say a couple false starts happen in recovery. Did he tell you about the contact? You said the NC letter was taken care of. Did he write? Did you see it? NC is essential...you need to make a strong boundary. He is still an alien and now he's hungry for cake. You have done great so far you will get through this. Take another breath...this is not easy.

Yes N/C was done and I saw it and mailed it. False starts does that mean he may leave again? I don't think I could do all that again, he has only been home 3 days. I am so scared she has told him she changed her mind and wants him to come back. I don't think the children and I could take another move out. that would be 3 of them .... Please someone give me some wise words ....

bump for help

I am so sorry, Hurting.

As I told you yesterday, this is typical. It is extremely difficult for them to end the A without EXTREME PRECAUTIONS. It is important for him to make his life an open book and to change that cell phone number, block all communications.. Your WH has to agree to this or the A will continue. I know, having been through two false recoveries...

Yes, you can handle this if you chose to.. My FWH and I have been very happily recovered for 2 years....

It will take HARD WORK. This is not going to magically go away. I'm sorry. I know how awful this feels.

You will need to confront him and let him know, calmly, without LBing that you know about the contact and that you want to work together with him as a TEAM to really bring about an end to the A...

Let's see what he says..Come back and tell us what happens..Folks here will help you...

ty mimi fir the advice, I know I need to confront him but I am not goin to lie about it I am scared aout it. so far he is not home from work, not sure if he is working late or meeting with her. He has worked late last few nites and I know that true I checked it out. I am just so upset right now I don't know how I can do this calmly.

What happens when you call him on his cellphone?

I wasn't suggesting for you to lie to him...

Calm yourself down before you talk to him..there is no need for you to hurry..

when I call he talkd with me like nothing is wrong. In fact we had lunch today amd all seemed ok, and that was after he spoke to her the first time. He did a little trouble looking me in the face but he has been doing that for weeks now. I have not spoke to him since he called her though. So I don't know how he would act.18 yr old D called him a few mins ago and he was still at work but said he would be home soon. she said he sounded fine and in good mood. I did not ask her to call she was just wanting to see her dad and wanted to know when he was coming home.

hurting,
Listen to mimi. You have done really well following the advice given...and it worked. This is a battle. Your WH has internal conflict..an addiction is a difficult thing to overcome but it can be done. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are fighting for your family...use the tools you have learned. Try to stay calm I know your stomach is in knots and your pulse racing. Remember how WH behaved when you started setting limits.

For what its worth I think he wants to be with you and your family, but he is being pulled by his demons. He wants to fight against the A but it is an addiction...help him be strong. Don't let this slide...it won't go away. Even if he leaves again I don't think he'll run off to Iraq or file for divorce. He's like a rebellious teenager testing his limits...but he still loves his family. Just my .02 worth

Again. I am so sorry you are going through this. You are not alone, Hurting. I have definitely walked in your shoes.

You will need to talk to him about this immediately.

Prepare what you are going to say.

Calm yourself down.

As the other poster said, this is a BATTLE, A FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!! You can do this!!

Tell him what you know. Tell him about the need for extreme precautions. Tell him that you want to work with him on this as a TEAM.

Don't let him RILE you into ANGER. He may want some justification in his mind for continuation of the A.

Rignt now. Try to view this as a sickness, an addiction that you are helping your H to conquer. He doesn't see this at this time. He is HIGH because he has gotten his FIX from her...

Hang in there. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

This is what I was afraid of -- that his moving back was a mood, rather than a decision. Moreover, it seems to have been a mood predicated on OW's mood.

More experienced voices can pipe in (Mimi's being one), but you might do well to read up on Plan B. I have a feeling you might need to hold that weapon up your sleeve. I have a feeling that this guy isn't going to get real anytime soon, and that you'll need to protect yourself.

Again, I hope I'm wrong.

I agree with PLAN B being in the back pocket..

PLAN A as long as possible...

I didn't think HURTING was ready to hear this today....

Hope you're OK, Hurting....