Hurting:

You said:



This is an example of you asking him questions. You already know the answer to this question and don't expect him to give you honest answers. You see?




My H told me almost the EXACT same thing. Now I know that it was still the FOG talk...He's not DONE with you..unless you allow this to happen....

You have to do a REAL PLAN B..not one done to you!

With a PLAN B letter... and No Contact...

Otherwise, he plans to CAKE-EAT for as long as possible...

THE ADDICTION OF AN A is so strong that it is difficult for them to end it, HURTING....

Isn't it worth it to you to FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE?

This is your BATTLE...not your GF's.....

Go completely dark....

I would consider waiting a till the weekend then take the rest of his belongings to his sisters...

and hand over your plan B letter....

you will need to be clear on setting up visitation with the children....

can you borrow money for legal aide....to set up money issues and visitation and stipulations of no exposure of your children to her or her child...cause God knows they think nothing of involving innocent children in their chaos

this THIS is the crap WS sometimes visit on their own children..and it is CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that's the thing it's not safe for him to come back right now even if he tries to minimize today as soom knee jerk reaction......

the children can not have the threat of yo-yo dad....especially when they feel so powerless over any of this....

go dark
seek legal counsel.
write your plan B letter ..and quit giving his words ANY weight in your world...He doesn't want to talk to you so that means you are in plan b..BALONEY!!!.who gives a rat BEHIND what he wants or doesn't want...from here on out..it's all about you...and what you want...

you will discuss children issues with him whether he WANTS to or NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!

you want a husband that is respectful and accountable...then don't settle for ANYTHING less...from here on out...

you have done an awesome plan A....

and he had his chance to begin to make it right...
especially with the children..
and he BLEW it.....

so the time has come for you to take total control...

I am sorry...
don't give his words or actions right now any validity..the man has lost the connection of true meaning of ANYTHING

bet there's a small part of you that feels relief in your home ...and there's a lot less tension right now...

ARK

fighting for my marriage is worth it to me . I don't want to lose him or the marriage. I do love him and I know this is fog talk. As far as my g/f goes she called him to let him know it was her who made the phone call and I had nothing to do with it. which I didn't. As far as OW goes I am pretty sure that is over, not 100 % sure but almost. Unless he can persuade her to belive him but something tells me that won't happen. In a way there is a relief but there is also a saddness that won't go away. I want to fight and get my H back. I do hope that no contact with him will be the thing to get him back where he belongs. I still in my heart beleive that he does love me and wants to come home but he has so much turmoil inside he can't see it. This is such crap I hare it ...... As far as legal goes no one I know has the money I can borrow.

G/F just called she says H told her he is done and he won't try again. He says his stomache is in knotts whenever he is arouind me. she asked him if he ever told me he loved me in the last few months he told her no I have not. she knew that was a lie . He has told me that several times and the last time was sunday when he asked to come home. He did admit to wanting to work on the M when he came home. He says he likes me but no love. He is going to live with his sister and he says he is having no contact with me or OW. He told g/f he has felt this way for 5 yrs. So now the question is were am I at? Is he really done, he seems convinced he is....

Wrong. Plan B is a plan, not something that happens to you. Read up on Plan B. It takes will and commitment ... and a great Plan B letter.


Plan B, if carried out successfully, will offer relief.

Hurting,

Did you hear me when I said my WH said the exact same things as yours about us being done and over...

He is following the standard script of an addicted WS...no different...

PLAN B..GO DARK...Write the letter....

Who cares? He was looking for an excuse. Don't worry about this trivia.



Why do I smell a WH/OW "reunion" in the air?



We'll see.



Lie. He hoped the recovery would "happen" to him -- just like the A "happened" to him.




Another lie.

Hurting, you won't believe me just yet -- and it's hard -- but you've GOT to let go of this "he said, she said" stuff. Don't look at the hour-to-hour temperature of this thing -- look at the overall trends. Nothing "good" is going to happen soon. Prepare for the long haul.

Plan B, when you go into it, will protect you from a lot of the "news." Be the ship riding above and beyond it all.

Bring your he-said-she-said stuff to us. Don't bother friends, relatives, and least-of-all WH about it. But better yet, start to try to let it go. Nothing is going to change quickly on that scale.

I am going to do plan B , thats not an issue at all. Seems his head is really screwed on backwards, worse than I thought. as far as long ahul goes I don't know how long I can do this without being done. I have finally realized his fog is deep and it could take a long time ot come out of it. I don't want to live in limbo for the next year or so.

Please read about Plan B. You don't seem to get it. You will, in a sense, be living in limbo, probably for a year or so. For all intents and purposes, once you send the Plan B letter, you will cut the cord. You will make your plans and do your thing as a single person, as best you can -- everything except dating. If he comes back, you will be strong and relatively happy; if he doesn't get it together, you have a headstart on the rest of your life.

During that time, WH's story will unfold. He will be in chaos, but you will not. But for you, it will be the rumble of a distant war.

Some day you are going to look back on all of this, and you are going to read similar posts on this web site, and you are going to say "my WH said those SAME WORDS!". I think that is why so many of us continue to lurk/post here. I am still amazed at how many WS's read the same script.

I heard the same words. I also had a GF who talked to him. When he first left she talked to him and then she called me and said "he is done, for sure". They have to feel that they are done, for sure, in order justify their actions. They ALL come up with that same crap about "I haven't loved her for years". I think that the WS does not realize how devastating it is really going to be when they leave. When my WxH first left he said "I have never been unhappy, I am just happier with OW" a week later he changed to "I have been unhappy for the past year" then it was "unhappy for several years", and finally he said "I have been miserable all 18 years we were married". At that point, I could see the fog. I knew better than that. He may have had times when he was unhappy, but miserable ALL 18 years?? Not him. He would never have stayed that long.

Your WH was not ready to come home. We all could see that. You never did say what was in the NC letter. Does that mean you didn't get to see it? Please start listening to the advice you are given here. This is good stuff! When a NC letter is sent, you need to SEE it. That way you would have known that he was not telling her he was back home.You would have known he was only telling her he was going to his sisters. If he didn't want you to see it, then you know he is not ready to be 100% open, and he was not ready to come back. I know you are scared, but you need to get tough. Now he has hurt your kids, again. In reading your posts, that was my greatest fear. When I could see your WH only giving half the effort to recover his M, I was afraid that it would be another false recovery, and the kids would be hurt. Please don't allow him to string the kids along anymore. Set your boundaries, and stick to them. If he wants to have the pleasure of living in YOUR house with YOU and your LOVING CHILDREN, he has to make a full commitment to openess, honesty, no secrets, and no more lies. NONE.

You also made this comment:
"I don't know how long I can do this without being done."

That is why YOU need to go to plan B. To protect the last remains of your love for him. I never did go to plan B. I, like you, said "what is the point, he doesn't want to talk to me anyway.". Later, when my WH did try to come home, I had nothing left for him. I had let my love bank go to the negative.
You can take charge right now. You can say "I have made some mistakes, but I am not all that bad, and if he wants the pleasure of my compnay he is going to have to earn it."

well written A. M. Martin...I am an example of how Plan B does work... STBX is breaking it off with Ow after two years of ****** with her and her family...you see they have to live 24/7 with their A spouse to get a true picture of what everyone around them knew already..for most it is just a matter of a waiting game .. one has to decide how long they are willing to wait...in the meantime in Plan B you are leaps and bounds ahead of your spouse .. getting stronger day by day...don't give up... it does work and yes I am relatively happy... STBX and I after two years of living apart have opened a dialogue...it went quite well.. where it will go who knows but please know time is a healing factor... so in my case the stats were right on...two years and the fantasy is over...keep strong ...know there is hope for you and your husband (((((NO))))

I understand about plan B. I am just saying I don't know if I am willing to wait that long to see if he can get it together. Everyopne keeps telling my why would I want him back after all the lies and hurt. I try to explain about the WS script and fog but no one gets it they think he is just being an a$$. I don't want to give up on him at all but I won't wait forever either.

It's all about what you want for your life. It's not about what other people think about this...

Who says PLAN B means "waiting forever"..

This is what you don't get about Plan B. You don't have to decide these kinds of questions yet. Your feelings will change in the coming months. Don't worry about the future, except about getting on and supporting yourself and your family.

You won't be "waiting," you'll be "moving on," that beloved cliche. If he comes out of the fog, there's a big risk he's taking that you won't be there for him anymore.

Listen to these wise words...she knows what she is talking about here...I have lived this... you really do move on with your life ...concentrating on being a supporting mother for your family...your spouse will see your strength and respect that...they do eventually come out of the fog and you are in control.. you decide if you want to repair the marriage...the choices are all yours...

I guess I am just feeling very lost right now and don't know were to turn. I just came from his sisters house to pick up the cell phone before he gets there. He cleared everything out of it. Like I don't know all the numbers he called from the cell bill. Anyway his sister said before he went back to work he had calmed down some and realized I had nothing to do with what happen. She says he just needs some time by himself to think and work it out. I agree completely with that. I do feel bad for him that he is in such turmoil right now and hurting. I went and enrolled S in school and did some job applications. I hope I find a job soon, that will help me. His sister agreed to be the go between for us. This way I don't have to talk to him or see him after he comes to get the rest of his stuff this weekend. Its going to be hard to not talk to him but I know its for the best. One thing I can say even after al thats happen and been said I still do love him. And I know I will give him time to work it out.

bump for so words of wisdom

Do a REAL plan B. Write the letter. it is important. Listen to what people are saying!!
I know you are feeling like there is no point, since he isn't talking to you anyway, but one of the important things about the plan B letter is that it spells out the path home. It says "I love you, I take reponsibility for my own faults in our M, and I want to work with you to build a better M. We can have a better M, but first we both need to be fully committed. I need for you to have NC, M..... what ever your own boudaries are.

You can do this.

I know you can.
If you don;t wirt the plan B letter, then we will be hearing from you in another week saying "I think that maybe he wants to come home but doesn't know how"
The letter will spell it out, in writing, so taht he can refer to anytime.
Please post your letter here for feedback.

I will work on the letter starting tonite. I wil admit I am afraid of doing it but I know its the right thing to do. I feel so torn right now and just want to hide in a closet. He told my friend that he wishes me well and that he is done. He told her he never said to me he loved me in the last few weeks. she knows he was lying because thats what he said 2 weeks ago when he spoke of coming home and then on sunday when he asked to come home. Why would he lie to her and say he never said it? is it because he was lying to me or is it because he won't admit it to anyone else because he keeps telling everyone he is done? This just gets more confusing everyday...

You are trying to make sense out of a situation that just makes no sense.
There are several possible reasons why he told your friend that he has not said he loved you in the past 2 weeks.
1. He doesn't want to look like an idiot. If he tells your friend that he is done, and moving on, but admits that he has told you he loves you recently - he looks like an idiot.
2. I suspect that when he said he loves you, he truly meant it at the time. But later on he started trying to convince himself that he was justified in leaving, abandoning his wife for another woman. And part of the justification is saying "I just don't love my wife anymore". I suspect the feelings go back and forth all the time for him. But he doesn't understand that, or want to admit to it.


There is another book that you should read called "Hope For the Seperated" by Gary Chapman. It talks about things you can do while your spouse is temporarily insane. You really need to read it, if you haven't all ready. It was very comforting to me.

For what it's worth, hurting, I too resisted writing a PBL. We were in a virtual Plan B already (very short neutral convo maybe every month), and he had moved in with OW six or seven months earlier. I felt it would be a jerky thing to do while he was living with another woman.

Everyone on this board argued with me. And they were right.

The PBL, foolish as it felt, convinced ME I had done everything I could before I went completely dark. It explained my rationale in as loving terms as I could manage. I knew that I could not express even that much love in the coming months. It was my last, best shot, and helped me stay quiet. I could never "top" what I said in it.

If you want the full effects of Plan B -- which for YOU means peace, quiet, and moving on -- you have to play by the rules.