........and make popcorn!!!!

Hurting -

Even though you don't feel like it, it's essential to write the Plan B letter, and stick to it. What I have noticed (at least in my case) is that at first, the WS is trying to hold on to the BS, at least until the relationship with the OP is firmed up.

Right after D-day, my WH had constant contact with me. He was still with OW, but really didn't know how that relationship would go. I made a big mistake by not going into a dark and sudden Plan B. All I did was enable his fence sitting.

So get that Plan B letter going. It should be rather short, because WS's can't think very long. It might say somehting like:

WH -

I love you and always hoped that we would stay together forever. I'm so sorry for my part in allowing our marriage to get to the point where you needed to turn to someone else.

I have come to the point where, to protect my love for you, I can't have anymore contact with you. It hurts me too much.

I hope you will continue your relationship with the children. You can call them to arrange visits. Please deposit $XXX in our account each week to pay for family living requirements.

If you ever decide to have no contact with OW, we can work on a plan for recovery. That would be my fondest desire.

ty all for your advice I have started on the letter and I will be posting it tomorrow. I have heard through the grapevine that OW is done with him, she says this is to much drama for her and WH is to big a liar and she is done. Not only that she has another man who is her sugar daddy. He sends her money every month and pays her car payments. Seems they see each other every few months for some rousing play time. WH found out and felt like he was competing for her and now he was rejected by her because she would not give up other man. So I am going to assume by what I was told by a reliable source that this is all true. So with her out of the picture or so it seems , with Plan B happening WH may finally have the chance to get his head together, at least I pray so.

I wouldn't assume OW is out of the picture. You can no more trust what she says than what he says.

Remember when I said his coming home seemed like a mood, rather than a decision? I think what she's saying now is also a mood.

We'll see if it holds.

you ,may be right A.M. but I am hopeing its true. If not I guess I will have to deal with that to. This whole thing is so unreal. I feel like I am in a dream. I just want to wake up and it be over .....

The joy of being in Plan B is that you won't have to deal with any of it. It will be his problem, one way or another. You'll be making other plans.

The OW is playing the victim. She has not left. She can't. She needs to claim her victim by pretending NOT to care.

In reality the OW needs to feed on the WS. OWs create drama and chaos to survive. 'It' is a creature who sucks the life out of real people and turns them into WS zombies. YIKES!!

So if that WS zombie tries to come home again, send him back to the OW. WHAT? Did Orchid say send the WS back to the OW? Yep.....re: You don't want a WS back, you want your real H.

OW won't be satisfied until she has sucked the life out of the WS and all around him.

Stay away from the WS. You can tell when he has been with the OW or had any form of contact. WS' reek with the stench of the OW. That's right, OW's stink. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

L.

How will I ever know when the WH is gone and the H is really back? Also I just wonder do you think that if your H didn't really want or love you anymore you would feel it? I keep saying to myself that if he really didn't love me deep down inside I would feel it, is that possible? I'm so tired of one day I love you and the next I am done with you ,I don't love you anymore... My heart and gut tell me he does love me could it be I have just wishful thinking on my part or am I just to dumb to realze the truth?

I feel like a fool for allowing WH to come home and believe he wanted to be here. I can't believe I fell for it.I just want so much for H to come home. I am so lonely and sad today. I remember telling him yesterday as he was packing again, do you realize the pain you have caused me by living with another woman and by all the hurtful thingd you have said to me? He said to me well I was hurting myself because of how things have been last few years, but I guess it has hurt you me doing what I have done. I said to him so now we are even in the hurting dept. I guess, he say nope I don't think so. How can he think that what he has done is not anywhere near the pain he felt. I know he is still justifying his actions, he feels no remorse at all. guess that means he feels no guilt either. Will he ever feel theses things? Will his pride and stubborness keep him from admitting his mistakes when he finally does see it? I am feeling so lost right now and scared he will never come home.

Plan B letter

Dear WH,

I write to you today with great sorrow, but also with a sense of peace and hope fpr my own future.

I love you to no end, and my commitment to you and our marriage is unending. Your are and endless source of joy, and I admire your courage and strength. You are an exciting man with a love for life that you spread to all you meet.

I regret that we find ourselves in this palce that is lonely and confusing for both of us. Until you left I did not understand how truly miserable you were. I did not realize how my depression and unhappiness affected our marriage. I was lost and did not know how to change. I did not know how to properly display the love I had for you. I didn't understand what your needs were, and how I could meet those needs in order for our marriage to grow.

I have done much soul searching in the last few months and believe I have found the tools we need to make our marriage a joyful, loving and supportive place to be. I have made many changes some you may have noticed, some you may not. I still have alot of work to do , but with every success I have hope for my future. My hope is that I will be able to share this future with you.

As my hope for my future increases, so does my sorrow over how I have been cast aside by you. I find my love for you dying. In order to preserve the love I still have for you and to stop my bitterness from overwhelming me, I must remove myself from your daily life. I cannot visit with you or speak to you over the phone. This is not a punishment. This is a safeguard of my love for you so that if there should come a time when we can both commit to working on rebuilding our marriage, there is still love and hope left with which to do that.

If you must contact me reguarding financial matters or our S you may do this through your sister as she has agreed to be a go between for us. I expect our current finanacial agreement to remain the same until I become employed. After that child support can be negotiated.

WH, I have the greatest of confidence that we could build a beautiful marriage if we both commit to it. Should there come a time when you feel you could commit wholly to trying a new foundation with me , it something I would like to discuss with you. For me a commitment towards reconciliation would entail an agreement for you to break all contact with OW, amd to construct a plan to insure total seperation.

My hope is that you will think hard on this and choose this commitment. If you do I would welcome a discussion with you about it, Until then, I ask you to repsect my wish for no contact with you.

We were best friends once. I cannot imagine who I would rather spend my life with than my best friend.

I have always loved you,

BS

hurting

here is the way i see it

right now your husband feels he may lose the OW because of the no contact letter he wrote before he moved home

he can't imagine life without her in it (yuck-idiot's!)
he is still strongly attached to you and you meet MANY of his needs-or he would not have come home....oh but he longs for what he gave up...the OW...cause he "can't have her anymore" if he stays with you

you see-it's his fear of losing her...and the fact that he feels this is being forced upon him...that is making him continue to want it so badly

that which we cannot have.....we want more than ever!!!

so you need to send the no contact letter....

right now, he has no fear of losing you...from his experiences with you so far, he has the impression that you will be ther for him, meeeting his emotional needs, whenever HE WANTS YOU....and he can come back anytime he feels like it IF he feels like it..."you're not going anywhere

but he thinks the OW might be....so off he's running to her...get it??

so he's not speaking to you...this is still something that HE CONTROLS...there is no risk of losing you...he knows that when HE DECIDES to talk to you again...you will be there

SO YOU NEED TO SEND THE LETTER SO HE FEARS THAT HE IS AT RISK OF LOSING YOU AND LOSING OUT ON HAVING HIS NEEDS MET BY YOU....unless he gives up the OW

does this make sense to you?

ONCE HE CAN'T HAVE YOU...AND KNOWS HER MAY HAVE LOST YOU...

HE WILL WANT YOU TWICE AS MUCH!!!!!!

i hope this makes sense to you.

i know all of this is true...when my husband cheated-i wan't sure i wanted him any more...i kept thinking...i'd be better off without him...who wants a chaeter anyway? i deserve better...

HE WAS AFRAID OF LOSING ME SO....HE CHASED ME LIKE CRAZY....CARDS, POEMS, FLOWERS, GIFTS...

but AS SOON AS I DECIDED I WAS SURE I COULD FORGIVE HIM AND STAY WITH HIM....NO MORE RISK OF LOSING ME....NO MORE CHASING FROM HIM...HE "CAUGHT ME"

so......AFTER AWHILE....HE STARTED CHASING HER AGAIN...BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE HAD LOST HER...

(but don't be sooo afraid of this happening...this might not have happened if I hadmet his needs at that time...but i had not found Dr. Harleys books or this site...nothing had changes so he was still loking to have his needs met....if he had been happier at home...he may have withdrawn better)

AND NOW LOOK AT ME....HE HAS TOLD ME HE IS DONE WITH ME...AND I'M THE ONE CHASING HIM!!

THAT WHICH WE CANNOT HAVE....WE WANT MORE THAN EVER!!

[color:"red"]this is true for me and almost all of us here on this baord i think... [/color]

right now...if the OW has said she is done with your husband....he's going to REALLY chase her...

and you'll just be there...he's not afraid you won't be...

UNLESS YOU SEND THE LETTER!!

and this time...well he is going back on his word and breaking the agreement you had about NC...he will see that you meant it when you said "if you have any contact with her...you will lose me...he HAS GOT TO SEE that ANY CONTACT WITH HER MEANS LOSING YOU...

HAVE YOU SENT THAT LETTER YET????

Nope I just finished the letter this morning , I wanted some advice on it to make sure its a good letter. I hope and pray that the fear of losing his family will get him to thinking hard and long......

Hurting:

This may seem like a petty point to you but I found this to be helpful to me. It is important to believe and understand that a WS does not have the capacity to engage in RATIONAL THINKING. They are like DRUG ADDICTS...looking for the next fix in order to obtain the HIGH from the A...

So when he is with her 24/7, it will be like a binge. It will take more and more to produce the HIGH. He will not be able to maintain this and will be searching and craving for the HIGH again. When it cannot be obtained, he will then start to LONG for YOU.....

Does this make sense??

I notice you continuing to ask him questions as if he can give you a reasonable answer like a normal functioning human being. He may look like he is normal but really he is an alien..lost in the FOG....

hurting

i think your letter is wonderful!!

ofcourse i've never written one and read very few so you need advice from the pro's here.

as i read your letter, i could imagaine mesaying many of the same things to my husband and since i too suifferred from depression and it was what lead to my husbands extreme unhappiness and loss ofattachment to me, wold you mind if i use some of your paragraphs IF i need to write a letter to my husband?

really, i think it's great!

It's a good letter here are my petty opinions...and they are petty it may be your letter stands well on it's own...


write to you today with great sorrow, but also with a sense of peace and hope fpr my own change to our future future.

I love you to no end, and my commitment to you and our marriage is unending. Your are change to you have been...don't give props to his present bad behavior..show the belief in who he was and or can be and endless source of joy, and I i have admired your ........ admire your courage and strength. You are an exciting man with a love for life that you spread to all you meet.

I regret that we find ourselves in this palce that is lonely and confusing for both of us. Until you left I did not understand how truly miserable you were. I did not realize how my depression and unhappiness affected our marriage. I was lost and did not know how to change. I did not know how to properly display the love I had for you. I didn't understand what your needs were, and how I could meet those needs in order for our marriage to grow.

I have done much soul searching in the last few months and believe I have found the tools we need to make our marriage a joyful, loving and supportive place to be. I have made many changes some you may have noticed, some you may not. I still have alot of work to do , but with every success I have hope for my future. My hope is that I will be able to share this future with you.
good paragraph
As my hope for my future increases, so does my sorrow over how I have been cast aside by you. I find my love for you dying. be non specific don't say dying...say something like in grave danger...very subjective...which is good in this case In order to preserve the love I still have for you and to stop my bitterness don't hand him adjectives to use against you....he will turn and say..see you are a bittler ole lady...don't hand him anything...speak of your own strength and protection....from chaos... from overwhelming me, I must remove myself from your daily life. I cannot visit with you or speak to you over the phone. This is not a punishment. This is a safeguard of my love for you so that if there should come a time when we can both commit to working on rebuilding our marriage, there is still love and hope left with which to do that.

If you must contact me reguarding financial matters or our S you may do this through your sister as she has agreed to be a go between for us. I expect our current finanacial agreement to remain the same until I become employed. After that child support can be negotiated.

WH, I have the greatest of confidence that we could build a beautiful marriage if we both commit to it. Should there come a time when you feel you could commit wholly to trying a new foundation with me , it something I would like to discuss with you. For me a commitment towards reconciliation would entail an agreement for you to break all contact with OW, amd to construct a plan to insure total seperation. state your boundary I can not and will not live my life as part of a triangle here.....

My hope is that you will think hard on this and choose this commitment. If you do I would drop this first line I would welcome a discussion with you about it, Until then, I ask you to repsect my wish for no contact with you.

We were best friends once. I cannot imagine who I would rather spend my life with than my best friend.

I have always loved you,

arkie

Eav : yes you can use anything from this letter you want. and ty for likeing it.

Mimi: I have not spoken to WH since he left yesterday. since he moved in with his sister he has been at her house. He came straight there from work yesterday at 4:30 and stayed. so as far as I know OW was not seen or spoken to. He told his sister he is not going to see her and he is not giving her the phone number or address. I did call his sister this morning to ask her to please have him transfer the money to my account. I will not call him.

Ark: ty for the advice on the letter, all of your changes meant perfect sense to me. Again ty .....

sister in law called WH to tell him to transfer money. the phone rang and I answered without looking at caller id. It was WH ,he said you can transfer $xx.xx to account, I said ty and he said bye and hung up before I could barely get out the ty. He sounded so cold. It really gave me the chills....

ofcourse he HAS to sound cold..it plays in to all his actions don't give coldness any weight....

he's a two year old

ark

ty ark for saying that. I am just having a bad day. Kids started school today and I am home alone with the dogs and justfeel so low. I was doing so well handleing all of this until I allowed him to come home for 3 days and he tear my world apart again. I need to get back to where I was a week ago of being strong. I feel almost like I did when he first walked out. Of course this time at least he didn't move back with OW. I pray that does not happen,b but sure not going to bet the farm on it not happening either...

((((hurting))))

I liked your letter...with ark^^'s changes I loved your letter. It is compassionate but strong, like you. You are moving in the right direction, you are doing great following the advice given. The WS's are pathetic and pitifull as they try to hang on to La La Land. All to justify thier bad behavior so they don't have to face reality and accept consequences for their actions.

Don't feel foolish for loving your H. WH is sly he took advantage because he knew what you wanted to hear. Are you making plans for plan B... you are going to need to keep your self busy. With the kids going back to school it will be lonely. What have you always wanted to do but didn't take the time to do? Start making a list.