Confused,

ty for saying those kind words. I can't help but feel I was being used and I fell for it. I am still looking for a job, but they are hard to find here. I hate having to depend on WH for all of the money I need to support this household. I feel like he thinks I am just trying to control or hang on to him for his money. He knows I been looking for work but so far nothing. I really feel if I xould find a job and stay busy and noy depend on him for all of the support he will realizee I can do this. But right now I feel he has me were he wants me and he knows I can't do it without him. I am going to plan B him on sunday after he comes to get the rest of his stuff. I just hope he does not get to pissed and cut off support. I don't have the money to do anything legally right now and legal aid has a waiting list and then there is no guarentee they will accept my case. So in a way I am at his mercy until I can find a way to get a seperation agreement. Caught between a rock and a hard spot I would say.

Dear WH,

I write to you today with great sorrow, but also with a sense of peace and hope fpr my own future.

I love you to no end, and my commitment to you and our marriage is unending. Your are and endless source of joy, and I admire your courage and strength. You are an exciting man with a love for life that you spread to all you meet. I'D KILL THIS PARAGRAPH. YOUR LOVE AND COMMITMENT ARE NOT UNENDING. YOU SAID A FEW POSTS AGO THAT YOU WERE NOT SURE YOU WANTED TO WAIT. PLUS WHY GIVE HIM THE FEELING YOU ARE GOING TO HANG OUT FOREVER FOR HIM.

I regret that we find ourselves in this palce that is lonely and confusing for both of us. Until you left I did not understand how truly miserable you were. I did not realize how my depression and unhappiness affected our marriage. I was lost and did not know how to change. I did not know how to properly display the love I had for you. I didn't understand what your needs were, and how I could meet those needs in order for our marriage to grow. I WOULD CUT SENTENCE 2, AND POSSIBLY SENTENCES 4 AND 5 -- LARGELY IN THE INTEREST OF BREVITY, BUT ALSO BECAUSE THEY ARE SOMEWHAT REPETITIVE.

I have done much soul searching in the last few months and believe I have found the tools we need to make our marriage a joyful, loving and supportive place to be. I have made many changes some you may have noticed, some you may not. I still have alot of work to do , but with every success I have hope for my future. My hope is that I will be able to share this future with you. KILL LAST SENTENCE, AGAIN FOR BREVITY. WS PEOPLE HAVE SHORT ATTENTION SPANS

As my hope for my future increases, so does my sorrow over how I have been cast aside by you. I find my love for you dying. In order to preserve the love I still have for you and to stop my bitterness from overwhelming me, I must remove myself from your daily life. I cannot visit with you or speak to you over the phone. This is not a punishment. This is a safeguard of my love for you so that if there should come a time when we can both commit to working on rebuilding our marriage, there is still love and hope left with which to do that.

If you must contact me reguarding financial matters or our S you may do this through your sister as she has agreed to be a go between for us. I expect our current finanacial agreement to remain the same until I become employed. After that child support can be negotiated.

WH, I have the greatest of confidence that we could build a beautiful marriage if we both commit to it. Should there come a time when you feel you could commit wholly to trying a new foundation with me , it something I would like to discuss with you. For me a commitment towards reconciliation would entail an agreement for you to break all contact with OW, amd to construct a plan to insure total seperation.

My hope is that you will think hard on this and choose this commitment. If you do I would welcome a discussion with you about it, Until then, I ask you to repsect my wish for no contact with you.

We were best friends once. I cannot imagine who I would rather spend my life with than my best friend.

I have always loved you,

BS

Hurting,

{{{hugz}}} Don't have lot of time this morning. Just wanted to let you know I read your letter and agree with Ark (usually do, she's great <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ).

Know that the route he is taking and your feelings are right on time. A time that is. YUCK!!! The good thing is that most of us here have BTDT and can help.

You will survive and much to the WS dismay, you w/b stronger and better than ever. It just hurts like heck right nonw. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Chin up girlie......rough waters ahead.....but you have the life jacket, he doesn't.

take care,
L.

Just got back from lunch with my SIL , its at her home that WH is living right now. she said last night was like wonderful for Wh. She said she actually saw the real H in there. He was like his old self, laughing , talking and being funny. She said its like his whole body and face just changed. she saw her brother as he was before this A happen. I told her thts good news but that does not mean a whole lot right now, just that he let his guard down and became human again for a few hours. She said she also told him that OW was not to have her home number and could nt call there. She said WH said ok it was no problem, since they were done anyway. I am still a little sceptical on that but I guess time will tell.. she said to me that she feels all will be ok that WH just needs some time to figure things out in his head. she is pretty confidnet he will come home. I'm not sure if its because of things he has said or what and I won't ask her because I promised her and myself I would ask no questions. Its better for me that way, I will save myself alot of hurt and anger I am sure.

Try to keep in mind what I told you about the A HIGH. During the A, my H seemed happiest after he had talked to her and had seen her. If your WH has truly not had contact with her, he would be showing signs of withdrawal, UNHAPPINESS rather than happiness would be a GOOD SIGN....

I know what you mean mimi. Thats kinda what I meant about it not meaning a whole lot. One thing for sure I won't know if they have contact or not since he gave me the cell phone. I will have my MIL tell my SIL what to watch for. I know this morning he was in a foul mood for sure, was obvious when he called here to tell me about the money. I would welcome unhappiness from him right now for sure. Like I said I have no way of knowing anything and I am pretty sure he won't let his sis know what he is doing.

WH called again this afternoon. I had no idea it was him. He had used D cell phone to call me, they were together at the plasma center. Not sure why he called really. He said hey, is S there? I said no he is at your mom's. He said ok then forget it. I said ok bye. I asked S did your dad call you at grandma's he said no. When WH called he was definatley nicer this time. Of course he sounded tired as well, he went to work at 2 am.

I just have a question for everyone. for those of you who have followed my story here, do you really think there is hope for us? WH kept insisiting yesterday that it was over and done. Of course every time he has gotten mad about something he says that. I just wonder because he flops so much. One day he says he loves me one day he is done. But he denies to people that he told me he loved me. Why would he do that? It makes me feel like I am delusional or something or people are going to think that. I can't imagine he would say that to me and it not have just a little bit of truth to it, or am I delusional and wishing beyond hope here?

hurting...you are ina better position than i am and even i still have hope.

1st-yur husband has a strong connection/attachment to you or he wouldn't have come home once

2nd-he isn't living with the other woman

3rd-his sister is on your "side" and he's staying with her

4th-you have children together

5th-you are going to send the no contact letter (and stick to it) which will make him feel what it really is like to lose you...and the fear will set in....and he will start chasing you

so yes.....there is hope!

ps.
i understand they all say..."It's over. I'm done" my husband says it every chance he gets!

I absolutely think you guys have a chance. Your WH has been jumping through hoops to get your attention and to keep you playing the WH/BS game. Problem is the rules have changed from WH gets to do whatever he wants, when he wants and BS takes it. He liked that game he was having fun...you ruined it. Now he is suppose to play nice and take turns...its not fair...so he's says "I'm never gonna play with you again." Trouble is he really likes playing with you...and he liked that game...now he has to learn a new game so you both have fun.

He tried playing games with the OW it was fun for a while...but she's a cheater.

Yes. Lots.

When you go to Plan B, I hope you will let the answering machine pick up. Otherwise I see lots of accidental contact.

ty eav, confused and A.M. for those words. I really needed to hear them. It does give me alot of hope. MIL and I went to pick D up at the plasma center and lo and behold guess who was there with a broken drive shaft on his truck in th middle of the parking lot? None other than WH, at first MIL say should we ask him if he needs help ? I said nope let him sit. Well being a mother she went back and said do you need help? He looked over at us and saw me and turned away and said " No I got it." MIL said ok and away we drove with him laying under the truck. I didn't say a word to him and he couldn't even look at me. D then said mom when dad called you today he wanted you to bring S down here with tools so h could fix the truck. I said oh to bad S was gone... Oh well his problem not mine, his fault he left and all his tools are here ......

Oh yeah believer I will do that ..... the cell phone though was D cell and it shows her name calling .I had no idea he was there to.

OK. I'll pipe in. Should hurting go to a formal Plan B just yet? I'm less certain than I was that it's necessary at this point. If OW truly is out of the picture, and this isn't just a phase, the guy really might just need a week or two to sort out his brain, and distant Plan A might be in order. Plan B in the sense of avoiding contact, giving space, but no PBL and real commitment to no contact with him. Pleasant during interactions, but remote.

Jump on me if I'm wrong, everyone. I don't want to see hurting beaten up anymore ... but I'm wondering if she shouldn't just wait a bit.

Gosh, I don't know, but I think it is HIGHLY unusual for a WH to move out IF the affair is truly over. I think he feels like he needs another dose of OW and her flea ridden house.

Very likely. And that's right, she did see all those cell phone calls. You're probably right, believer. I guess it would be nice to confirm that there is continuing, ongoing contact with OW before the PBL. For HER OWN sake. As you know, the early parts of Plan B are hard, and I wouldn't want her to undermine her own determination for NC by thinking that if she'd only been patient in Plan A, everything would be fine.

I could be wrong, but after so much time here, I almost know what the WS is going to do before they do.

I think that OW got angry that WH was still having SF with his wife. He moved out, but told neglected to tell OW that he was moving back with his wife.

Now he is hoping to go another round with OW and the fleas. So he has moved in with his sis, where he said he was going to be in the first place.

I think that he needs a good, dark Plan B to knock him off the fence.

OK, believer. You sold me. I'd forgotten some of the data.

I, too, can predict the WS movements with a high degree of accuracy, as I have this one. Just buckled a bit under wishful thinking for a moment, but I think you're right.

Ok guys I have mixed feelings on this for right now. I truly believe Ow is gone. Yesterday seemed to be the last straw for her, I could be wrong, but don't think so. I have thought about this alot today and I think the reason he left yesterday is because he really was not ready to come home. I think he felt he would be better here due to SIL has 4 kids and not much room. I think WH told her that just to keep the door open in case but after she gt the call telling her he lied agian to her she went ballistic and slammed it shut. Anyhow his anger was because she shut the door, which made me realize he really just was not ready to commit to our M. I think being with his sister for awhile will help him clear his head and allow withdrawl to begin and I think its better he do it there than here.

So I have decided to hold off on Plan B just until next weekend to see what happens this week. If by chance OW does show back up then Plan B will happen next weekend. I still am not going to call him or see him. I will make no contact at all this week, but if he does I will be nice, cordial and pleasant to him. I know this is a risk but I do think I need to make sure weather or not OW is stil in the picture.

In fact WH just called a little bit ago aboout S bowling in the morning to make sure I have him ready to go. He called house phone and I was talking so didn't cut over and he then called my cell. He was very calm and polite as well as I was. I was surprised he called because he said he would have his siter call for him if things needed to done. This is the 2nd time today he has called out of the blue.

Anyhow I am going to be playing it very cool and calm over the next week to see what I can find out , to decide if Plan B must go into affect. If it needs to so be it.

Ok guys , we must remember OW kicked him out because he was still seeing his wife and having SF with her , to make him think . Well that backfired on her because he lied again and moved home. Not saying it was right but thats what happen, then she finds out about this lie and goes ballistic on him. He has now been rejected by OW. Poor baby!!
SIL just called MIL and told her that WH told her what happen and that the OW is gone for good. She says he seems a little depressed by it right now. SIL told him best thing you can do is tay away from BS as well so you can clear your head. He was not to happy about that but agreed for now. So for now Plan B is on hold just to see what happens in the next week. Like I said if OW comes back Plan B is on....