Melody, I do hope your right. I don't want to give up. I know with everything that has happen in the last week that there is no way the OW can be comfortable in trusting Wh. But I guess she is so needy she will risk it all again. Hard to understand how someone could think a married man is worth all of the drama he has inflicted. I know Plan B is for me but I also hope it will help him realize what he is giving up and come to his senses sooner or later.

I have another question. When he left Thursday he didn't take all of his clothing. Should I pack it up and take it to his sisters' or what? I don't want him here at the house.

I want it all gone from my sight for right now. I am tired of seeing his stuff around here ,like he is going to come home any minute. What should I do?

Another standard WS behavior...

I thought he said that he was done. So he must not think that he needs the clothes.


My FWH did not take his clothes either. I ended up keeping the clothes and he had to buy new clothes. I would let him suffer the consequences of his behavior..

Pack them up...IMHO..don't take them to his sister's house..TOO BAD TOO SAD that he didn't think of this...

Well Mimi he had said he was coming this weekend to retreive it all but so far no movement made. I am sure at some point he is going to want some of it. But once Plan B is in effeft he will not come here to get it. Thats what I don't get , he leaves most of his clothes but takes his damn gun cabinet with him. I mean he left thursday and came right back and got the darn gun cabinet. Makes no sense to me. I mean its not like he is going hunting or anything. He had a money jar in it with alot of change, but didn't need to take cabinet just for that. Or maybe he thought I might get mad and shoot him........

That's his way of maintaining contact with you the clothes...keeps you hanging on....

My FWH said the same thing...he was always planning on coming to get his stuff and never showed up..

Learning from him, Hurting, I would just let that be HIS LOSS after PLAN B, suffering the consequences of his actions...if he doesn't get the stuff prior to then TOO BAD...

Actually, this is a good sign. He's wanting to keep this tie with you by leaving his stuff there. In his mind, he is coming back when he is finished with her. He has no PLAN though. YOU DO!!

Hi Hurting,
You are getting such great advice here I hope you don't mind me soaking it up as well. I post to you for support cause I feel your pain.

I have a funny story about leaving clothes behind.
True story....There is a nurse I work w/ she is sweet, caring, beautiful and a tiny little thing. Her H left her for another woman but kept coming home to change his clothes and leaving his dirty clothes so she could wash them...and she did! One day she had it. She called him at work and told him to come pick up his stuff she had cleaned everything and neatly packed it in large rubbermaid containers and left it in the garage for him. He said he would be there directly after work that day to get everything. She said "That's good because I'm sure you are gonna want to get all this stuff put away." He didn't show up for days. When he got the stuff home I sure he was surprised. He is a hunter. She forgot to mention she had also packed the frozen deer meat in the bottom of all the containers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> He should've been there to pick it up when he said he would!

I vote for packing his stuff up on a box and leaving it on the curb for him. Don't try to "punish" him by keeping his clothes. It will just make him needlessly angry and give him a justified excuse for contact. Don't provide him with excuses. Let him think of his own.


Doesn't matter. When he tries to email you, you resend the letter (or block his email address, better yet). If he approaches you at the grocery store, you have an extra copy in your purse. If he chooses not to read it, fine. But it's all you have to say.

It is your last and final word.




Let it go. There's no way you can control what he feels, and BSs go nuts trying to evoke in people who -- at present, perhaps forever -- have none.

In Plan B, you will let go of this. Start practicing now.

You write, "Not only do I have the A to deal with, but his drinking as well," or words to that effect.

No. In Plan B, you don't have to deal with it. OW does.

You ask "how do I know that Plan B is working?" Plan B shows him the path back to you. It shows him what he has to do.

BSs are so eager for the smallest sign of repentence that they will settle for anything. Even my unrepentent one wrote, in the D papers, "I am truly sorry...I have made a mistake..." So what? He wasn't willing to make the smallest effort to reverse course. If they aren't willing to make a big effort to end the A, move their stuff out of OP's place, write a NC letter, endure withdrawal, how on earth will they do recovery?

You don't want half a commitment. You had that already. It wastes your time and energy. If he's ready for big-time change, you'll know. He'll make sure you find out. Don't settle for less.

You will know Plan B is "working" when you stop worrying how he feels, what he's doing, how worthless she is. YOU will change. How will you feel when you change? Will you want him back even if he wants to come back? Who will you be? It's like a little kid asking, "What will I be when I grow up?" You won't know till you get there.

You are about to begin a big journey.

WH told SIl he wascoming next weekend to get his stuff. Little does he know Plan B will be in effect. He wants his stuff it will be waiting on the front porch for him. He will not step into this house at all....

If ny chanve WH does file for the big D, is there still a chance to save our M? In Okla. it does not take long to get a D. you can file and be done in 30 days. You can't get married for 6 months but the D its self can be done quick. I know I won't be able to afford a lawyer so I am going to call legal aid but who knows how long that will take....

bump

You've gotten alot of great advice here. To sum it up, his behavior is 100% typical of a WH alien. Best advice I can give you, as it worked for m (and many others I believe). Stop all contact period. Don't answer his phone calls, don't call your SIL, MIL, don't ask them questions about him if you do happen to talk to them. In other words, Plan B him now and stick to it. Let him feel the uncertainty. Do things that are out of of the "ordinary" for you. Be gone, even if it means you have to just take a drive. And above all else don't start the destructive behavior yourself. It just ain't worth it.

I read something in one of the posts about drinking. Another animal in itself. Which of course we who lived/live with it know. It compounds situations and was the catalyst for the messes created more than likely. Read all you can about living with an alcoholic and co-dependency. There are lots of great books out there.

Had to post to you as your sitch in some ways reminded me of my former sitch. Now look at the mess, as you can see by my sig.

Be strong and stick with it.

As far as me being self detructive goes that won't happen. My father was an alcoholic so I know what thats all about. WH never drank much at all unil now. OW likes to drink so I guess he needs to keep up.

Did find something out WH says he won't move back to OW's until divorce though, he wants to look good for court. what a laugh he already been there done that. Of course I won't believe he is doing the D thing until I get served with papers. Dosn't stop him from spending the night though...

The man is really way out there on a limb for sure right now.Nothing he says makes any sense at all... I just wish my kids didn't have to be hurt by him though, he is being such a jerk to everyone.....

U r focusing on the wrong stuff right now. It isn't about saving your M. Right now your H is gone (being held captive...who knows where) and the WS has taken his place. You didn't give your vows to the WS, right? So in a sense, you are NOT married to the creature before you.

Now with that given, it doesn't give you the right to go boinkers, ok? What it does is help you refocus so you can build up your support and position to be able to tackle the WS/alien at their level.

You want your H back, not the alien. So don't pine for the alien, alright?

Work on you so when the opportunity arises and your H escapes, you w/b there to help him break free from the WS holding him hostage.

L.

ty Orchid for that indight. You are right about the alien , I despise him right now. I hope the opportunity does arise for H to break free. But H is so far buried in the WH, I don't know if he will ever resurface....

The dawning of a new day. Kids getting ready for school and I will be alone again. But today will be diffrent, I am going to not worry about WH or at least try not to.

Anyhow, I need some advice on a situation concerning my 15 yr old S. Seems yesterday when WH showed up at his sisters to get some clothes (hw was having a slumber party at OW's) he decided to sit my S down and say " I am divorcing your mom, and if you want you can live with OW and I". Now this is the same son he told 4 weeks ago, I love OW not your mom... then one week later I love your mom and want to work it out.... now its Divorce....... I just want ot kick his butt.....How do I keep him form doing this to this child??? My S is so comfused about all this.

I tried explaining that his dad is not himself right now and not to take all he says as the truth. I don't know what else to do.

also found out the OW had been with him at the bowling alley, seems he hid her when he saw me there. I can't believe she would hide from me. Seems so funny. I guess WH didn't want ot risk a confrontation with us. Hmmmm maybe he was afraif I would tell her more truths's about him....

Our oldest son who lives in Indiana called his dad and told him.." I don't like what you have done and I don't ever want to see you again, and you are not welcome here and you won't see your grandchildren again. and if I was there I would put my foot up you A$$." I told son no matter what he is still your dad. Son said not right now mom, I am done with him. Seems WH was not to bothered by this, or at least thats how he acted anyway.

WH is really ruining everything and all relationships for H. Going to take alot for him ot fix all this , if he ever comes back to H that is.

wow, what a great example he is setting for your son. How tragic the boy has to be exposed to the downfall of his dad at a time when he needs his father the most. I would explain to your S that there is no way he could go and live with his dad because his dad is involved in an immoral affair. That is no place for kids.

And then explain to your H that S will should not be dragged into his sleazy affair and should not be exposed to his ho.

ty melody for that response. I am trying hard to explain it to my son. He misses his dad so much and Wh dosn't seem to care. My son does not want ot live with him at all, but just to have the time with his dad is overwhelming for him he takes whatever crumbs WH throws out. I did tell him that he needs to be careful and watch tha his dad does not try to bribe him into coming out there with false promises, because right now anything his dad says or promises has not happen, so don't fall for false ones.

It breaks my heart to see my kids turn from their father because of his hatefullness and lies. I don't know if they will ever trust him again. Why can't he see this????

Wh just called and left a message. He wants the kids SS numbers. What should I do? I am not sure why he wants them unless he is changing his life insurance..... I really think he is going to do this divorce thing....

I would send the Plan B letter. Give the SS numbers to his sister. He will continue trying to scare and engage you. Please bow out of this now.

I am scared now. I really do believe he is going through with this. I don't know what to do..... I can't believe he will really do this.....