A.M.

I know your right, I don't want to talk divorce, I don't want a divorce. but he sounded so sure its what he wants.

It was her car he was driving, I was devestated when I saw that. I just couldn't believe what I saw.

I don't see any hope left. I will send him the letter though if for nothing else but peace of mind. I just can't see how a marriage of 24 yrs can be cast aside for someone like her. I feel so used and abused right now. I have stood by this man through alot of crap over the yrs and the one time I have a problem, he walks. I know my depression was bad and I ignored him and pushed him away, but that is not a reason to do what he has done to me. He just don't get it, he acts like it was intentional.

I want him home were he belongs, but he seems to think its not what he wants... I want to hope its not over but I;m not sure anymore....

The nice thing is, in Plan B, you don't think about all this stuff. Oh sure, you still will. But gradually, gradually, you start to think about other things, other people, other events. You'll take up new hobbies, put energy into forgotten friendships, lead a new crusade, take care of your kids.

And after the pandemonium starts to subside, and you begin to restore order in your life, you might start to enjoy life more without him.

Odds are good that at some point in the future, he will come back. From deep in Plan B, you will get to decide if this is the sort of person you want in your life.

Plan B, however, is hard at first, and thoughts of WH will be obsessive. Don't break, don't give in. As you can see from tonight, any contact is likely to be hysterical and acrimonious, and you don't want that. At first you won't want that because you are trying to impress WH. Eventually, you won't want it because you don't want to waste your time.

With Plan B, you will begin to control what you can control. You don't need this hurtful and dishonest contact.

It's good you have the letter already prepared, in a moment of comparative calm. Why not send it in the a.m., and spend the day at the beach. (Are there any beaches in Oklahoma?)

am martin is right sweetheart- Im in the same place you are- but my heart has taken all it is going to take- he is a drowning man- dosent want to admit theyre wrong - stay in misery for prides sake- too dumb to realise the ow has here own agenda- when things dont go well shes on to the next and where will he be? take you life and soul back. Put it in God's hands- and walk away.
Your psyce and self respect will thank you for it.
If its to be it will happen- if not its got to be somthing better than the ****** you have just been dragged thru.

((((((((hurting))))))))

He just gave you the confirmation you were looking for. He is absolutely still playing games. If he truely did not want to see you he would have left the bowling alley after he saw you car before he came in. He probably did a drive by your house. Why was he driving her car around town? Because he wanted you to see and be hurt by it, the excuse is his truck is a piece of broken down junk. And if he was so HAPPY to be with OW...why was he hanging out at the bowling alley instead of being with her having a happy reunion? If he wants a divorce let him pay for it...he can't afford it....he doesn't even want it.

He is so deep in fog, sitting on the fence and finding new ways to justify A....WH has no clue what H wants. Plan B is going to be hard...I think he will keep trying new and different ways to get your attention. You need to come up with a standard response...and find ways to avoid him because I really think he will keep throwing himself in your path.

Just my thoughts from the outside...you are way ahead of me in coping with all this.

Ty all for the kind words of encouragement. I still don't know what to think anymore.

As far as him being at the bowling alley its because he was working securtiy there. So he had to stay. I am sure he didn't see my car when he got there because of the parking lot being full and it was dark when he got there.

The look on his face when he was talking to me was so cold and blank looking. It was not the same man I have known for 24 yrs.

I will get the letter to him tomorrow. He probably won't even read it once he realizes its from me. I am just so torn up right now I can't even think straight. I think I will just go by his job tommorrow and put it in his pickup were I know he will find it. Tape it to the steering wheel.

I came so close to calling the OW last nite and just telling her off but my right mind knew it would be a waste of my time. She is so worthless and a user and he can't see that.

My biggest fear is that he will never come out of this fog. I do know someday he will live to regret this whole entire mess. I just want him to feel the pain I am in and have to deal with it. To be cast aside like this after so many years and after all I have stood by him and have forgiven him for is so unreal.

Forgive me for rambling on so but I just can't keep it all in anymore.... Right now I am so hurt and angry I don't know what I would do without the support from all of you ....Thank you all so much

why would it be that everything else that comes out of his mouth is only partly true...that he states he is confused about this and that...BUT the only one thing that he is sure of and thinking through 10000000000000000% is a knee jerk exclamation that 'I want a divorce" in a bowling alley...somewho who really wants a divorce doesn't usually bring it up as a serious topic in a bowling alley..

fine..
if he wants a divorce he darn well better seek legal counsel before you have to say a peep to him about discussing such...

this is his chaos...
and this is you participating in chaos..
part of the goal of plan A is doing what you can in your power to facilitate meaningful OR silly pleasant conversation...
not defensive affronts of do you want a divorce...
did he really have any other choice to answer differently...
you got the answer you forced him in to...

conflict avoiders will say whatever they need to avoid the conflict....

no more participation on your part....
go dark for a three days with NO contact...
no minimal phone calls...
just let the machines answer etc...

and give him the plan B letter on Wednesday...

ARK

I wish you could believe that your situation is no different than many others, including mine.

My H had an A with a younger woman lasting two years. I suffered 2 almost 3 FALSE RECOVERIES. He eventually moved in with her for 3 months.

He said the EXACT SAME things to me. It is over. I never loved you. She is my soulmate, etc.

The MB plan is effective especially for you to help you get throught this. However, it offers a chance for you to RECOVER your M.

Your H is not your H now. Believe me when I say that he has been "captured by an alien"- in the fog- in LALA LAND. Once he comes to his senses, he can be himself again. He is showing all the signs of being ADDICTED in this A-not IN LOVE with her...

My H and I have been HAPPILY RECOVERED for two years. He is very much IN LOVE with ME....

Let us HELP YOU follow this SYSTEM...

Gain your strength...never give up....THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOU TO JUST WALK AWAY AND HAND HIM OVER TO HER....

His A will definitely end....

TIME AND PATIENCE are on your side....

Why should I wait 3 days Ark? I am not sure I understand why wait? I do follow your advice, you have been so right about everything. I know it was amistake to go back and ask him that but I was so mad when I realized he had been with OW again after saying it was over, I let my emotions take over .....

I just posted to you, too, Hurting...

Sorry it has come to this. I know how you feel, not believing that he could do this. But just consider him an addict. Now you must to a strong, dark, Plan B. That is going to be very difficult. He will continue to try to engage you.

Plan B is actually very pleasant once you get the hang of it. It gets you off the roller-coaster and brings you sanity.

Mimi,

You all are such god sends. I don't want to hand him over, I don't want to loose him. I know he is not himself, but sometimes I just can't get it through my head he is not the real H.

I want to fight for him but it feels like a loosing battle some days. I guess last night I brought on myself and it was a mistake. I just wanted to smack him so hard, but I knew that would be wrong. He has hurt me so much, I just can't imagine how someone could do this.

I will do as you all say because , I trust your instincts and advice. TY so very much

How will I ever know if plan B has worked? How will I know if its really the real H coming through? I am so confused now I am not sure if I will ever know if he is for real again.......

This is what worked for ME so that I would not get caught up in HIS CRAZINESS...

I sort of RELIGIOUSLY followed the recommendations of folks here even though a part of me wasn't convinced of the value..

I understand exactly what you are saying.. We don't know your H or have the history you do with him..

When I would see my H, he looked and acted like himself to ME. Folks here would tell me differently. I just began to convince myself to believe the MB FORUM. I also was fortunate enough to be able to talk to Steve Harley weekly. He of course supported the Forum viewpoint.

So when will your H be himself. ONLY, I SAY ONLY, AFTER 3 TO 6 MONTHS OF ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER WITH HER. To be honest, probably 6 months of NO CONTACT. It's like brainwashing...He has to comletely get all thoughts and memories of the taste and smell of her out of his system. Another analogy is withdrawal from alcohol...has to get the drug out of his system....

I say you wait three days otherwisw your plan B letter will be seen as a knee jerk reaction to his leaving and saying what he said last night...showdown at that alley...

Your plan B letter is an extremely loving letter...reaching out to someone in pain.....

it is NOT what he is expecting...

how do you know if plan b is working...
well plan b gives you 100000000000% clarity and freedom to be remove his chaos on your life..so that you learn to live and breathe without concerning youself with him....

plan b gives you knowledge of how strong you are...

this man has to earn his way back...huge difficult actions...at a time where you are not invested in recovering your marriage..but on recovering yourself...so his antics and chaos will have NO effect or room in your world..

what are your other options..
sit down and seriously discuss the termination of your marriage with someone who hasn't even gone through ONE correct motion of dissolution...

that you play a role in his chaotic demise...

I don't think soooooooo..

he either earns his way out
or earns his way back...

bowling alley discussions..hit and run side info fed to you by SIL no longer acceptable in YOUR world...

ARK

Well dosn't look like he will stop seeing her anytime soon I am sure. I also found out from SIL the WH has been drinking, she said he came home with the smell on him yesterday morning. WH has always been a social drinker. We could keep beer and stuff here for months and he would not touch it. For some reason now he is drinking alot more. OW likes to drink so I am assuming he is doing it to party with her. So now not only do I have the A to deal with he is drinking to top it all off.

I am worried about him and his self destructive behaviors. He is gonna hit rock bottom and it scares me so....

thank you ARk for your responce. It makes sense to wait when you say it that way. For some reason I just feel he won't even read it. I know he has read everything else I have given him but he is so mad right now who knows.

Guess I will never know if he reads it or not.

Plan B letter is signed , sealed and ready for delivery. I have to admit I am a little anxious of it but I know its the right thing to do...... TY all for your help

hurting, have you posted the Plan B letter here? Its a real good idea to let folks give you feedback before you deliver it to make sure it hits all points. It needs to have a certain layout. Have you shown it to ark?

yes I posted it and Ark did the revisions on it..... she is so great at this ...... the support here is just wonderful and the hope people have to overcome all of this is amazing. I still have hope but not sure if its wasted hope.

hurting, good deal! Your case does not look hopeless at all to me. And I wouldn't tell ya that if I thought otherwise. There is already great conflict in the affair or your H wouldn't have tried to come home this week. Being in Plan B will really heat up the conflict because he won't have you as a distraction or a place to run to. It will be the beginning of the end.

So, hang tight, you are in very good hands with ark, believer, Mimi and A.M.Martin! They are giving you great advice!