ty ARK for all your help. I know this is goona be hard at very scary at first. but I am determined to do it.

Now is time to sit back and watch the house of cards tumble down.

Tomorrow I am out job hunting like crazy. Sure hope I find something soon. Jobs are hard here. but I will find something I am sure.

I am sure there will be timesI need to post so everyone can talk me out of doing something stupid. lol

Again ty for all the support

Yes. Good idea.

And I for one will keep reminding you not to think about THEM, not even to imagine him self-destructing. Those fantasies in YOUR head only upset you when you feel it's not happening. This is your time for personal recovery.

Do you like reading? Get some good bios of potential role models -- strong, independent women for whom men were incidental or non-existent. Indira Gandhi. Golda Meir. Hildegard of Bingen.

ty A.M. for helping me through this. I love to read, I go the library every few weeks to get books. Right now I am reading The Road Less Traveled and also have further along the road less traveled. This book really has helped me see alot of things I didn't understand. It has given me some peace and hope for myself.

I am trying very hard not to think about WH and OW. Its hard though not to wonder. I do know that someday this will be all over, no matter what the outcome is and I know that I will survive it. The next few weeks are going to be hard for me as I am used to speaking with and seeing WH almost everyday. I am as bad as he is on getting my fix. Thank god for all of you here and the wise advice you give.

Ah. You've given your age away, hurting. Only people over a certain age know this, and it is vital. You will survive it, no matter what. Sounds like you've found some good reading material that will open new doors while others are closing. At least for now.

Now that you've begun your Plan B journey, you don't know who will come out at the other end in it. Start to create her.

Talk to us when you want to talk to him. It was important for me to remember than any communications I had -- and it was tempting; I went through the speeches in my head every day -- were bound to be destructive and hurtful. I wasn't going to "win" and I wasn't going to be able to prove anything. Whatever you need to say, you said in your PBL. Keep reminding yourself. You can't top it.

So I gave my age away, wow that is an eye opener.

your right I have thought of speechs over the last 3 months I have wanted to tell him. Some I did and your right they did me no good.

If you don't mind me asking A.M. did your marriage survive this? I hope it did, but if not you sure sound like you have it together and are doing good. And thats where I want to be soon. I want to be happy and living life. I know it will come in time, I just have to be patient and patience is not one of my best virtues. Never has been, but I am learning more and more everyday that its needed to survive.

Patience is nobody's best virtue.

Truth is, it's hard to convince young people that they will survive anything -- because usually they haven't survived much yet. Only survivors know they will survive.

My own story is an unpleasant one, alas. My H had a pornography addiction, as well as a history of sloppy sexual behavior and ending previous marriages with adultery. He suffers from clinical depression. He partially paralyzed by a stroke -- disabled (that may have played a part in the role of the A; he needed an ego boost). The OW is a mentally unstable lesbian, with a history of illegal behavior.

Because he is a leader in this community (I live in a "New Age" community), he has many enablers. A "fake wedding" was held a year ago, and supported by many of my friends. To my best knowledge, the D is not yet final, though I signed off over six months ago. (He filed.)

As far as I am concerned, I am still in Plan B. I see no reason to want to speak to this man anymore. I am close to his son, whose relationship with his father is probably beyond repair. I think WH?/STBX? is in a permanent fog, supported by continual praise and lack of accountability. He and OW still try to torment me -- lately they ignore me, which is better. We live in a small community, I can't avoid them. They don't look happy, but then neither of them is a happy person. His self-loathing is deep, and compartmentalized. He has left a trail of damage in his life.

The Peck book helped me understand all this better. I know what it is to have evil in my life. I am sad for what has happened to him -- horrified to see it enabled -- and glad to have a huge amount of distance from it.

And I am also an expert in Plan B. My WH?/STBX? is someone you will never win an argument with. He has all the intellectual tools to twist and distort the truth. He will always be calm and in control -- even if he is deeply torn and damaged inside. But he can't argue with my silence.

Don't let your WH argue with yours. Save your energy for some area where it is profitable.

For instance, cleaning the toilets until they sparkled. When I went into Plan B, my whole house was shining clean. Everytime I started to think about OW, and WH, I just got busy redoing the grout, or waxing the floors. Very productive!!!!!

wow A.M. that is a heartbreaking story. I do see though how you have come out of it a very wise person. I am sure your future is bright and will be happy. I guess you are an expert on plan b, and ty for all of your insight.

Beleiver, yup the house is really starting to look good around here to. Not much for toliet cleaning but hey gotta do what ya gotta do.........

Well, it helped keep my mind off of them. At first, it was extremely hard, but as I got more time in Plan B, it got easier and easier. After awhile, I had so many interests, and was so busy, I didn't think of "them" at all. Now, after almost 3 years, my WH blips across my mind, but only every couple of months.

3 years believer? Thats a long time to be doing this. I don't think I could do that myself. You must be one strong person. I admire you slot .....

I meant alot !!!!!! lol

I thought you were calling me the s word!!!!!!!!!

I hung in there for a long time, because my WH used to be a good man. I kept hoping my husband would come back, but no sign of him to this day.

However, I'm very happy without him, and life is good again.

I wish it had that effect on me, believer! My house could use it!

Well seems WH called D and got the SS numbers from him. She called son in Indiana and he called me wanting to know if he should give hid dad the grandkids ss. I told him was up t ohim, he says well dad wants it for his life insurance. So guess I was right he is taking me off as bene. At least he is putting the kids on there. I was kinda shocked seems like a pretty quick descion on his part to me.

does anyone know if he can change bene. while we are still legally married and not even legally seperated?

Do you have the answering machine on? I hope so. Your husband cannot seem to keep from contacting you. Tomorrow he will want something else, or maybe he will sign up for the Foreign Legion.

Please batten down the hatches, look for a job, clean, go out with friends, take up stained glass cutting, gardening, scuba diving, bull-riding, or whatever. Be completely unavailable. Don't even let his sister know what you are up to.

Maybe we can get a pool going here (is that against the rules, Justuss????). I would wager that he can't go 24 hours without talking to you.

Remember, up to now, he has had both you and OW filling his needs. Now they may be drinking buddies, but that will get to him too.

Beleiver he called my Daughter not me ......but not to worry answering machine is on ..... I will not slip up , gonna be hard but I'll do it

So how long has it been since he has left a message or tried to contact YOU?

Nothing since the Plan B letter was hand delivered this afternoon..... He read it while I was there... He put it in his shirt pocket and and said nothing to me ..... He hung around talked to SIL a few mins. and left

Nothing since this afternoon????!!!!!!!!! Wow, he is doing really good.