your right I have to stop this , its just so hard.. Right now I am at SIL's babysitting her 4 yr old. He is playing th playstation. Afrwe I get home though I am going to clean house and do some stuff....

I usually am not an obsessive type of person, but all of this has just thrown me for a loop..... I just can't see, to shake it off ....

Hurting in Ok,

I've been lurking on your post, but you've gotten such good advice that I've had nothing to add...until now!

Writing the letter to the OW was a good thing; and it reminded me that it was soooo helpful for me to keep a journal that I could write all my feelings down on.

It got them out of my head, similar to posting here, but with a journal, when I didnt know if I was doing better or not, I could look back and see how I was feeling a week previously, a month previously, and I could see when I was doing better as a result.

This became part of my healing. I came to respect and appreciate who I was for having gone through and survived and actually thrived as a result of my husband's affair.

So get a journal and start writing! Also I walk 3 miles every day. It's a great stress reliever. I know it's hot there however - I grew up in Oklahoma, so go early in the morning or in the evening just before dark.

Blessings to you, you've got a great bunch of advisors!

Well another twist in the saga. and before anyone says anything I know I am not suppose to listen to gossip about WH and OW but this one really got to me.

Seems WH told SIL yesterday after being over here that him and OW are both going to get divorces so they can marry. SIL said he didn't sound very comvincing but hey who knows. I find it odd that OW is now all gung ho about divorcing since she has been seperated for 6 yrs.

In Okla. the divorce laws are very lax , so once its filed it can be done and over in as little as 30 days. Now there is a waiting period of 6 months to remarry.

So anyone whats the take on this????? Should I prepare to battle or what?

Hurting:

You have a very hard head!

DON'T LISTEN TO HIM OR WHAT ANYONE HAS TO TELL YOU ABOUT HIM!!!

I know mimi but I am so scared this is going to happen ....

I just feel like I am sitting here allowing this woman to take my husband and I am not doing anything to fight back..

he has told me many times that she keeps telling him If I was your wife I would do this and this to get you back.... So she has him convinced I am doing nothing to get him back.... I believe he thinks I am not fighting enough to win .....

what does he want me to beat her up or something else just as stupid????

PLAN B is the very best thing that you can do right now..

That's the honest truth IMHO...

Give this time. You are going through withdrawal from yesterday. You will feel better.

Get busy and whatever you do stop thinking about what he says...

How can I get you to believe me that HE IS CLUELESS...HE IS FOG BRAINED....

It is you that has to be strong now, Hurting.... this is for the sake of yourself, your children and, yes, him...HE IS LOST RIGHT NOW....

What's going on with your health insurance? Does a sane man get rid of health insurance for himself and his family?

I can tell that you have been talking to the wrong people and not listening to us...

Where did you get this notion that you are letting her take your H? What did I tell you about what is going on over there? She does not have a clue...

He is your H...You are his wife...She is the OW...Let her fumble and fail....

Step out of the triangle and let him see her for what she really is...

I have been keeping track of this thread from day one. There are some things you have to realize. First of all, you are not following Plan B good enough. You need to have STRICT N/C. Not one conversation, no matter how small. He is right back to calling you when he has no right too.

Second of all, he is talking marriage, etc...with his sister, to look for approval. Isn't this the sister that is being neutral? Well, he is trying to get a reaction out of her. Once again he is trying to get some attention from his family, since he has cut everyone off. That's all. He won't marry OW. He's looking for a reaction.

I think you need to strongly listen to your brother. You need to seriously stop ALL contact with this man. Do not allow him to contact you whatsoever. If you get a voicemail, then delete it before you can listen to it.

Look how frantic you are today because you made CONTACT. Please for your own sanity - STAY AWAY from him.

This whole time you are so worried about him and what he is doing. How about start doing for yourself? Do you know how much you could accomplish if you spent all of the wasted energy on him on yourself? Man, you would feel like a hundred bucks. Unfortunately, you have no control over this situation. However, you do have all the control over your own life. Start living!

I know the pain you are going through - I've been there myself. Unlike you, I chose to walk away. The pain was not worth it to me. Is this pain worth it to you?

Also, if you did fight for your man, what would happen? He would be a cake-eater. He would bounce from one to the next. Eliminate yourself from the equation and you'll be the one that he will chase after. He'll wonder why you are walking away and will chase you. Maybe you should go on some dates and make sure your SIL knows. Or go out with your friend that you ran into at Walmart (just as friends of course), but let that get back to him. Then he'll really start rethinking his actions.

I'm sorry, but you are making this too easy for him.

Seems he did cancel the insurance for all of us. He claims or tld me yesterday he did it so he can pay the money he owes his mom. We owe her alot of money for the purchase of our home.. We borrowed it from. Now with all of this happening she is trying to get WH off the deed. We all 3 oare on it. She wants me to have the house. She says no way in ****** is he going to move in here with OW.

From his talk (babble) he wants to pay off his mom and fix the house so he can move back in. Just from how it all sounds its like he wants to get me out so they can move in here.... So I am beginning to wonder if this house isn't some sort of motivation to the OW to push WH inot divorce.

She has lived in her apt for yrs and I guess she wants a home.....

So see this is more complicated than it looks with the house issue involved....

WH said yesterday he would sign over the house to his mom as long as she promised to give it back later after the divorce. She is not going to do that but he does not know it.... So see its really confusing as to what to think ...

PLAN B IS FIGHTING FOR YOUR MAN!

PLUS, REGAINING YOURSELF!

I know what you are saying wifypoo and I agree with you and all the others.

I have made this way to easy for him. I know that I have to follow planb to a tee now. Yesterday really threw me backwards and made me fall apart again.

I know I have to get stronger and I was doing that until yesterday. I have no one to blame but myself and I know that....

I am a lot meaner than you though. His clothes would have already been in his truck along with all of his tools. I would've loaded that sucker up until it dragged on the ground.

In reality, other than seeing you cry a few times, this man has had to suffer little to no consequences for his actions. Well, I better rephrase. No consequences that really phase him. Time to give him back his stuff, get a great job, pay off bills, maybe take some classes, new clothes, hair, etc... Your possibilities are endless.

With or without him you need to start moving on.

Yuor right again..... He has not has any consequences at all.

I have just sit back amd let him do as he wishes and said or done nothing about it.

Well one thing for sure he won't see or talk to me. I will planb him like no tomorrow....

I am still looking for work. I have done dozens of apps but so far nothing. I know something gotta give soon......

The key is to stick to PLAN B...

That is a MAJOR CONSEQUENCE for him.

This is about believing in yourself, your value to him, the major loss of you...

The better you feel about yourself, the more you will believe us...

Maintain your self-respect and dignity, though...

NO DATING....DON'T SINK TO THEIR LEVEL...

RISE ABOVE THEM....

I now deem you to be GODDESS IN OKLAHOMA!!!

Thank you mimi... and your right as usual.... I will not date that is something I have no desire to do.... I will not sink to their level....

You have made me feel better. I just gotta get it through my thick head that he is babbleing and attention seeking from anyone....

SIL did say she blew him off though with the marriage talk . She did say she asked him why OW now all of a sudden wants a D after 6 yrs... His response was because she met me ..... How crazy is that ...

Ok I will stop talking about WH now ......

Bad news. You are not "allowing" it. You can't stop it. You tried. You cried, wept, and begged. You Plan A'ed. It didn't work.

Right now, he's moving in one direction -- and that's away from you. There's no point hanging around and watching. That's why you're in Plan B.

You don't have any power in this situation. He is making the choices he wants. All you can do is control YOU. And that's what you're doing. Don't imagine you have control when you don't. It will torture you.



Sure. Right. Like she knows. I'm sure you've tried some of those things, and they didn't work. In any case, if he's relating these thing from OW to you, it's probable that he wants to draw you into a self-serving triangle game where he has two women competing and trying to please him. There's nothing in this for you.

Hurting, here's some good advice: don't measure day-to-day temperatures; look at overall weather trends. The overall trend right now is he's not making unambiguous moves back in your direction -- except for free sex when he's feeling sad and OW is out of town. The unambiguous move you need is NC with OW. Anything else is just palaver.

Very well said AM. your right and now I have to just accept it for what it is. its been very hard and emotional time in my life.

I have no control at all over him and I have to accept that. The regrets will be his not mine thats for sure.

All I can do is just sit back and watch him destroy himself and hope and pray that when he realizes what he has done, I still want him back.

Something in your posts has struck me here. I am not quite sure how to phrase this, so I hope this makes sense.

Right now, your WH knows you are fighting hard for him. He knows you would take him back. He knows the path.
How can I tell? Because he is hanging onto OW because he is afraid that things would not work out with the two of you. He sat there and told you that. He had SF with you, and then said that he can't let OW go because he is afraid that he can't work things out with you.

In other words, he is only settling for the OW because he is afraid he can't work things out in his M. She is not his "first choice". He is settling for her. He thinks it is easier just to stay with her, and not have to work at his M.

But in time she will become too much trouble. She will start to LB, because she doesn't know any better. She will make demands on him. She will get pouty when he spends time with his kids. He will begin to see that she is not the easier option, she is actually going to be too much trouble.

As you have all ready heard so many times here - OW will not be able to meet all his needs. He is still attached to you. My WxH never showed ANY interest in SF with me after he left. Your H clearly has some attachment left to you.

I hope that makes sense. I don't say that to get you to change your strategy at all. I just want to give you something to think about.

That crap about how he is going to marry her - THEY ALL SAY THAT! I know it is hard to hear, but they all say that. My WxH screamed it into my answering machine. His Mom had confronted him, and he was angry, so he left me a message screaming "now you have my own mother against me! Why won't you just go away! I am going to marry OW, and spend the rest of my life with her, so just get over it!"
I fell to the ground sobbing when I heard the message. My boys were there. They had to get the neighbor to come talk to me.

He never did marry her. They were "broken up" 6 months later. End of that story.

One more point I would like to make. You don't just want him to come home at any cost. You want him to come home ready to work at your M! It is going to be hard work. You know that, and you are prepared for that. He needs to reach that same point. You don't want another false recovery. He needs to see this relationship with OW CRASH AND BURN. You don't want him to have any lingering feelings for her. He needs to get to the point where he realizes that life with her is just not worth the hassle. And it will. Because she is not looking for a R that is hard work either - she is looking for an easy fix, a man to take care of all her needs.

Reading your posts from the past couple of days, I can tell you that I see more hope in yoru relationship than ever.

Ok, one more thought: I think it is a good sign that your WH is still interested in being M. At least he is not saying "I want to be free and single to run around town sleeping with anyone I choose." When he tells his sister that he plans to M that skank, he is actually saying "I like to be married, I like to be in a committed relationship. I do not want to be single." That tells me that he still has some integrity.

He just needs to come to the realization that it would be easier to stay M to you, who he shares a long history with, and who he has children with. No one will ever understand his realtionship with his kids like you do. That two bit skank will eventually start to resent his attachement to them. Just wait and see.

This is SO true!

womanoffaith,
thank you for your wonderful insight to all of this. I do still have alot of hope. I do know I have to get it together and do for myself so I can be prepared either way he goes.

As far as the kids go right now his relationship with them is very strained. They only see him when they make the effort to go to the bowling alley while he is there. Our oldest son in Indiana has called him and told him he wants nothing to do with him. So that relationship is on the rocks for now. My youngest son will not go visit him on weekends at the OW's home. Which works for me. And for now WH seems ok with all of this. I do know in time it will get to him but for now he just does not seem to care.

Your right about the settling thing I believe. He just needs to realize his best option is to save his marriage. I just hope he does not realize it to late.

You have given me some more hope, ty

I am feeling a little better tonite. I am actually eating...Thats a big one for me... done lost 35 lbs since this all started..

Anyhow I am excited I am going to a seminar at 7 tonite to become a Medical Transcriptionist.... Sounds like something I would really like..... Whats even better its work from home stuff.... This way I am home for my kids and save money on gas.... I will let you all know how it went when I get back ......