I have tried to put this into perspective today and I just can't seem to do it.... Like my brother says it is what it is.....

I just hope I didn't compromise this whole thing today. Whats the chance his guilt from what happen today will push him further away? And by guilt I mean the guilt he may or maynot have from cheating on the OW..... Why did I allow what happen to happen? I was so upset and just to weak to fight it....

my lawer and my work told me that i could get in trouble if i took my husband of my health insurance unless i had documentation to proved that we had agreed to this and that he had obtained health insurance on his own-if he had no insc, my work was obligated to offer him COBRA insc until he got his own

i'm just wondering why you would not tell the OW about you and your husband?

i would tell her..i would shout it from the rooftops

even if he says you're lying...it would put some doubt in her head and cause problems between them

Oh eav believe me I have thought about letting her know but I think it would cause more problems that I woud not be able to overcome....

As far as the insurance goes he cancelled it for all of us including himself.... But I am not sure if he really did it.. I could not get hold of the people today ...

just wondering what others think about you telling her...i'm not an expert...not even close!

but i'd still do it!

Hurting:

Remember the mind of the WS... no guilt.

The main thing is to get back into PLAN B..

PLAIN AND SIMPLE...

Do not contact the OW.....

Read back over my posts to you today.

Your WH is following my FWH's script almost to the T...I am happily recovered.

BELIEVE ME, HURTING.....

I will try to explain this better to you tomorrow morning when I have more time...

always trust an expert opinion! (mimi knows what she's talking about)

and hey..how can i get my husband to want SF....darn it??

I am not going to do anything mimi. I know it would cause me more troubles. I have enough of those as it is....

last night was a bad night for me. Sleep was elusive and dreams were coming one after the other. I guess what happen yesterday really played with my mind.... I feel so discouraged this morning. I am battleing with myself over what happen, my mind keeps going back and forth from he is my husband I did nothing wrong to how could you have done it, it was wrong....

I know plan b can't be compromised anymore because I have to get my mind and emotions in a better place to be able to survive this. I feel so torn inside from wanting to just walk away to wanting to confront them both and just let all my fury out on them..... I know that neither one of those things will solve anything so I just have to let time do its job. Everyone tells me time is on my side but I just don't feel time is my friend.

bumping for mimi ...... I am waiting for your sage advice

I have a question. In all of this never once have I had any contact with the OW. So my question is Should I let her know that I want to work on my marriage and I love my husband? I have no idea what he has told her. Dosn't she need to know that I am not just sitting here and doing nothing?

Dosn't she need to know I will fight for him and our marriage?

Just a few questions I need answered ...

I don't have the answer to that, just can tell you what I did. I did contact OW twice. The first time when I found out. There was no "cat fight" or any such thing. I simply stated what I wanted to and left. In fact, WH told me that she said I was "nice" and that I was "pretty". And........ so????? Isn't that profound! My FWH told me at the time that she was very intimidated by me.

The second time I called, I left a message on her machine with my name etc.(I don't do things through the back door - people are going to know it's me) and told her if she was so intuned (that's a book in itself) to my H, then why was he calling me begging to come back home. That caused a bit of friction.

She called my home on many occassions and said childish things (she was 47 at the time). I just hung up the phone and didn't engage her. She's NUTS. She still drives by our home and we live way out of the way five miles from our rural town. There's absolutely NO reason to come by here. And so it goes.

These OW are in the fog (for lack of a better word) too. However, I think that's how the majority live their lives.
Just my two cents.

Don't contact the OW. She doesn't care about you or your family. Don't confront them (I made that mistake) - all it does is cause them to circle the wagons. Plus it gives them something to talk about and a common enemy.

Instead look for a job, clean the house, the yard, and shine those toilets up. That will be much better for your marriage.

Hurting:

The similarities between your sitch and mine are many. It's interesting. It must be some kind of syndrome. The FOW in my case has a history of being "loose", being involved in numerous relationships, from man to man. She is as different from me almost as night and day. H has stressed from the very beginning that she is/was "different" not better.

That was the problem. He was going through a major midlife crisis. He started indulging in just "playing" with her and got caught up into it. It was like, "I think I will just TRY this COCAINE" and then he got addicted. Of course, I didn't know and understand all this at the time, Hurting. I'm giving you all this information in retrospect.

Just like you, Hurting, and most all of us here, I just couldn't believe my H would do this. Not just the fact of having an A but that he would have an A with such a woman and that this man that used to be so much in love with me could even think of leaving me. He is the only man that I have ever been with since age 18....now 50..a long time....

You know the story. I took him for granted. I neglected him. The cleanup woman took advantage of this open door and agreed to play with him, to let him take a walk on the wild side and he fell "in love" with her. I AM IN NO WAY SAYING THAT HIS AFFAIR WAS JUSTIFIED. ALL THE AWFUL STUFF THAT HE DID TO ME WAS WRONG..That's another story....

This sets the stage for what I need to tell you. First of all, your H, like my H, LOVED YOU IN THE PAST. He holds in his heart and mind lots of unforgettable memories of your lifetime together. Regardless of what she says or does, the OW cannot take that away from him. This drew him to you yesterday. This can draw him back to you. He was trying to recapture this yesterday, trying to get a taste of YOU....

WHY? Because HE IS MISSING YOU. Believe me, Hurting. That is definitely happening in PLAN B. The OW in no way can know him like you do. You know what food he likes to eat and how he likes it. You know how to fold his clothes. You know what detergent to use. DAY TO DAY, LIVING LIFE STUFF.. She does not have a clue. She is failing and he can't save her... She can't be you...

Their affair is fueled by FANTASY AND CRAZY ADDICTIVE LOVE... They are struggling to try to recreate this now as they live day-to-day life. The key is to allow them to continue to STRUGGLE and for her to continue to FAIL!

If he is able to come back and get a taste of REAL LIFE with you, then he is able to have the option of finding RELIEF from her again. That's the pattern-the game that is being played. He has a PROBLEM. He uses her as the SOLUTION. It's like the alcoholic trying to find excuses to drink. He is struggling to get his HIGH again...

He wants to use you as his ANCHOR...HIS HOLD ON REALITY while he continues to live in a FANTASY WORLD....

Is this making sense?

You're right on Mimi.

Mimi what you have said to me makes alot of sense. it fact it has brought me to tears. The only diffrence I see is that my WH says we are alot alike. if he feels she is so much like me , then how can she fail?

I know what you said about yesterday and the drawing back to me, how can I know it was not just about opportunity and sex nothing else?

he has now completly moved back in with her. It happend yesterday. I knew he was staying there but now its offical. He called my cell this morning I didn't answer it, he left a VM about D and school. I called the school and straighted it out...

I just don't know how long I can tolerate all of this, yesterday really set me back and I feel as betrayed as I did when this all first happen... I was such a fool to allow this to happen....

I wrote a letter last night to the OW. I have done nothing with it so no one freak out. I have not seen or spoke to this woman since all of this started but I just feel she needs to know where I stand. I have no idea what WH has told her. I don't want a face to face confrontation I just want her to know I am fighting for my marriage and H. I know it would fall on deaf ears but she needs to know how I feel.

I won't do anything with it, if everyone says I shouldn't.

How do we know the OW will fail? WH said yesterday that he would not try and save us because then he looses the OW if we try and fail then he looses both. The fear of being alone keeps him form trying. He would rather settle for what he thinks is real with her than try and save 24 yrs of a marriage...

Hurting:

I've never been to Oklahoma but I'm about to go there and find you...

I repeat...

DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM!! DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM!!

He is foggy brained! He is not your H! He is a DRUG FIEND! He is struggling to get his next high!

YOU HAVE GOT TO GET THIS........

My H told me the same stuff...

My God, Hurting..my FWH wasted our money and bought a condo to maintain his love nest..

Do you know what he ended up doing? After wasting the money on the condo, he moved out of it and moved into her house...in a seedy part of town that I am afraid to drive through at night...

THAT IS WHAT YOU CALL DESPERATION TO MAINTAIN YOUR HIGH....

It doesn't matter that he moved back in with her. BELIEVE ME, they are STRUGGLING to maintain their A... The fantasy bubble is bursting as we speak. If it was so good and so great, he definitely would not have been with you yesterday.. You read about the BSes here whose WSes are detached from them.. Your WH is not detached from you..

I hope you can understand this HURTING....Contacting the OW will set you back because it will again take the focus off their mess and put the focus back on you..Another part of their struggle now is that they no longer have you to talk about...well, except for yesterday...Now, he can talk about the problems with his son... What memories do they have together to talk about? Every day has to be new.. She has to continue to special and unique and wonderful everyday...It is not going to happen...

My FWH also told me that I am like the OW...BULLCRAP...I don't know what the reasoning is behind that. Maybe that's their way of convincing themselves that they will be OK with them. Maybe that's what the OW is trying to convince him of. The FOW in my case tried to become me...started going to school...cut her hair like mine....It's all CRAZY over there...don't get caught up in what they are doing...

Like Believer is telling you, focus on yourself, your children and your home....

Check on that health insurance today. THAT IS AN URGENT MATTER THAT NEEDS TO BE TAKEN CARE OF SOME KIND OF WAY THOUGH....

I am sure she will never know about yesterday. No way he will ever tell her especially after what happen last time and she kicked him out.

Ok I will not send the letter, I promise.... I know there is not a time line on these things and we have no idea how long it will take for him to come to his senses. I just can't imagine sitting here for months on end waiting and wondering...

I have talked to my brother who once was a WH. He ended up loosing both women. He regets what hapen and wishes he had done diffrently himself. He has gone through therapy and learned alot. He has been there for me through all of this and so far has been on the money with everything that has happen. He told me that having no contact with WH is the best thing just like you all have told me. He feels that since WH is still attached to me that it probably won't take to long for the fog to start lifiting.

He told me that he feels about of month with n/c WH will probably start to feel the effects of his descions, and start to realize his mistake he has made. I have a hard time thinking it would be that soon.

I know I have to just give it time, I do know this A will not survive. That is about the only thing I do know at this point, how could it with all the lies and deciet thats happen.

Mimi thank you for being so open and honest with me. You have helped me out so much.

He is living with a reflection of all that he can not stand in himself...

he lives with a liar...as he is a liar...
and liars can not value or speak truth to their own children
they can not model
and children are smart...and will tell him so

he lives with a betrayer...with a person who accepts intolerable acts of cruelity on his own wife and children...and says it is acceptable..AS LONG as not directed towards her...

in other words...
he lives with someone who accepts his loathesome treatment of others...as long as he isn't loathsome to her...

hypocrisy sits with them at every meal

he lives with someone who is exactly like him uses words like love..yet they are meaningless for there is no God like love in their actions...

his anger
his frustration
his self loathing he lives with double time...
for it is inside of him
and it is beside him

there is only refuge in the ugliness and pretending what they have is good..

and they will grow weary of pretending...
and the house of cards built on shifting sands will destruct...

do not be fooled to think that their pretending that they are not who their actions create them to be....
they are dishonest people
and
their pretendeing is not more powerful than the truth that we all are called to be decent human beings through our humaine treatment of ALL in our lives...
and that they pick and choose who is treated humainely and falsely call them acts of true love...is part of the lie their lives have become....

do not focus on their world of makebeleive..for they will try to fill it with superficial and reflective actions of things...but it will be empty...and it is empty...
shut off from Gods light...

do not believe all is perfect in perfectville for they truly live in a self created He##

remember the ending to Anna Karina
where they speak the truth of their loneliness and isolation
and the reality that their "love" is not and never was and never will be enough...
for it was always based on falseness..

you walk in the light hurting...
and you should thank God...that you are on the side of the coin of the BS...for sad is the WS....
so far disconnected from all that is good in the world...

ARK

Thank you ARK that was wonderful post. I know it all to be true in my heart. All of you here are gods angels in helping me to get through this and make some sense of it.

Do not think I don't listen and follow the advice given because I do. I know without everyone here helping I would have made numerous mistakes, compared to only the few I have...

Again ty all

Again, ARK and Mimi are right on. BS's stories with WH's are all very, very similar. Those WH say the same things. I too heard the same lines. She's like you, etc. etc. etc.

You're spending way, way too much time focusing on WH and what he might be thinking, feeling etc.

Get off of your puter for awhile and do something productive. Did you call insurance company again today? Did you make phone calls to follow-up on applications you submitted for work. Did you make the bed, do the dishes, take a shower, fix your hair, clean the clutter ot of the yard etc. etc. etc. You get the drift.