Be warned: wanting sex means nothing. He wants it for free, without commitment. Some guys come back for it after they marry someone else.



This means nothing, either. My WH?/STBX? likes being married ... again and again and again. The promises mean nothing to him, except they are fun to make while he is making them. It makes him feel big and proud and meaningful. Till he breaks them.



This is very true. It is the only thing that matters.

You are in Plan B, hurting. Stop looking for "good" signs and "bad" signs. These will change from day to day, and you can't have your emotions wobbling around every time the temperature changes five degrees one way or other.

Only look for long-term trends. Yes, we all see hope. But until he's willing to work on the marriage, hope ain't good enough. Only his commitment matters. And right now it's not there. Teary-eyed speeches mean nothing. Lovemaking means nothing.

The job sounds like a good idea.

AM: Have we had this discussion before? It's important not to make this assumption. Yes this is true in many situations. However, if Hurting's H is like mine SF means a lot... It's not just SEX to him, never has been...Sex can be very loving and very passionate..I've known my H to sob...For some, it ranks HIGH as an EN...

I certainly agree that this does not need to reoccur for Hurting at all during PLAN B...

I'm coming in here being protective of Hurting this evening because I don't want her to kick herself..

She's early in PLAN B and it is hard as H%^^&.

Hurting, I think your reactions are normal and expected.

I repeat, in agreement with AM, STOP THINKING ABOOUT WHAT HE IS THINKING ABOUT, DOING AND SAYING...

When those thoughts come into your mind, shake them off...

Such thinking will only make you feel HOPELESS...

Medical transcriptionists do well.. How exciting!!

Hurting-
Good go to te seminar- I am in school at night also. I just talked to my WH and told him - after he told me on our anniversary he would take me out for a drink of water- Im not fighting anymore for this marraige. He has to make the decision and come off the fence. I am working thru some scary things for me namely - fear of being alone, failure, self- worth, etc. Remember i told you your story and mine are mirror images,. He says he dosent want a divorce but he dosent want to come home and work on thigs. He gave me permission to see other guys- that was the turning point for me- i told him - im still married for now- im not going to do what hes doing- and if he had respect for me he would never tell me this.
Its hard- Im putting it in gods hands- no matter what i do- beg plead cry fall on the ground- he can still say divorce- he says he needs space- he hasnt made up his mind- still dened he is having sex w/ other woman that hes living with- come on and has made love to me and said if you want me to tell her we did it i will. That is crazy.
I have to get my sanity and get stronger for me and those 3 kids we have.
If it works and he coes back- long road ahead, if not I know i did everything i could.

Well after that seminar I come back to some interesting reading... the seminar was great but alas I can not do it right now. The course is very expensive and it takes months to get through it. So my goal is to get a job and get my finanaces in order. Once I have done that I am going to take the course.

As far as thinking about WH I have done good this evening. He has not been on my mind. He did call my cell again and again I ignored the call..... He made the remark to my SIL that I would not answer the phone....... Ha Ha keep wishing buddy I am not going to answer it either .......

As far as the SF thing goes. I do know that is at the top of his EN list. Now as to weather yesterday was just because it was free or was because he cares about me , I don't have the answer. But one thing for sure it won't happen again ... Its happen way to many times just in the last month and a half...... of course he was home for one week and then for the 3 days so of course it happen then.... But its also happen many times while he has been with her. Anyhow that part is over until he can do what he needs to do to make this M work...

As far as feeling hopeless, I don't feel that way. I do know that no matter what I will have no regrets, I did all I could do and I was willing to try, thats something he can not say at this point in time. I will always be able to say I did the right thing and hold my head up high and not have to hide in a world full of lies.....

In a way I really feel sorry for him because he has chosen this road to take. yes it hurts like ****** for me but I did nothing wrong and I have to remember that. All in all he has to be the one to answer for this someday not me.

I am not giving up but I have put this into perspective and realized I can do nothing but make life for me better and just hope he decides to come along for the ride someday and be happy and in love again....

winter and hurting -

My WH didn't want SF from me. He wanted to be faithful to the OW. GAG. We did go there a couple of times though.

It is frightening to realize you might be alone, but it is much better to face that, than life with an infidel. And chances are very good that WH will return to the marriage.

I am much older than you - 57. My life is good again, and I'm happy. Whatever happens, you have a bright future.

That is the thing I wish for the most believer that WH will return home and we can have the marriage we both deserve. I have to admit though at times I wonder. I know alot of what he says is fog babble but sometimes I do wonder if a little bit of truth is said.

I know to him what he says is the truth and thats how he really feels at that moment in time. So if he wants to D and marry the bimbo , nothing I can do about it. But I do know one thing for sure he will live to regret all these bad descions he has made.

In the meantime I will survive it and live through the pain and be a better person for it.... Thats more than he will be able to say if he continues down this road of destruction..

I realize I have to let go of all this it is destroying me inside. Yes I know there are going to be days of pain and sorrow. Days when getting out of bed will be a chore but I will get up and move on ......Like I said earlier I am not giving up and I still want him home but its all in his hands now not mine..... I do love him and always will....

[color:"red"] WHAT?!?!?!?!? [/color] Isn't he obligated by law to keep you all medically covered? What about other benefits (retirement, etc.)? Make sure he isn't putting OW on them.

Watch out. That OW wants more than the WS. She wants U! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Ok hurting, I'm with Mimi.....if I didn't live sooo far away and have to work for this WS nut, I'd be over there to beat some MB sense into you.

Now go fight for your family's rights. The WS is a nut, doesn't deserve to inhabit your H's body.

Go protect your family's rights.

L.

orchid,

I have tried to get a lwayer and tried legal aid. Legal aid won't help me. And I don't have the money for a lawyer. I have been to several of them. So I don't know what else to do....

What do you mean by she wants me???

I'm still reading into some of your posts a defeatest attitude.

Okay as far as schooling goes. Have you checked into the displaced homemakers programs, financial aid from the school itself, ie grants etc. There are lots of options. You either find out about them at the State Job Service, Human Resources or the school itself.

As far as medical insurance goes. Do you know for a FACT that your coverage is no good right now? When did he stop paying? Did you call or rely on someone else to find the information out for you? Just because the medical insurance isn't being paid for doesn't mean the employee assistance program still isn't in effect. Did you ask that question?

I wouldn't worry about an attorney right now. You don't want to file for D right? The only thing an attorney can do for you is just that or legal separation. Their hands are tied as far as getting you anything until that's done. FYI - I went to see any attorney and he asked me if we were having SF. He said you may think that's a strange question, but it's been his experience (and he'd been a D lawyer for 25+years), that those couples still having SF won't D.

Now, lets move on to a job. You've filled out many job apps. Have you followed up with phone calls or a follow-up letter or a visit in person. The job isn't going to come looking for you and you have to set yourself apart from the others looking. Did you sign up with the job service? Did you see what resources they have to offer.

How about the Hunter's Safety your S wanted to go to? Did you check on it?

With all of these things, don't be afraid to pick up the phone and call and start asking questions. People for the most part are going to be very helpful and if not - oh well, they're having a bad day. Not your problem, just move on to someone else in the department.

Thank goodness, I've never had to use these resources, but I've helped friends get back on their feet. There are many options out there for you. Take advantage of what you can.

I have signed up at the unemployment office and so far nothing I can qualify for. Either not enough education or its stuff like being a welder.

The insurance has been cancelled according to him employer. And as far as an employee assistant program there is none.

The attorney thing is beyond my means right now anyway. I went for a legal sep. and didn't have the money they wanted. As far as SF playing any role in this I don't see were that is making much diffrence in it. It may not have meant anything but opportunity who knows.

Hunter safty course is next month, already checked into it.

I have done call backs on jobs so far nothing... Not alot of places hiring right now... I have a few to do today that I saw in the paper.

So here is were I am for now......

I recommend that you go talk to your Department of Social Services. That's what it is called here. I'm talking about the place where you go to get Assistance for Dependent Children. They probably can arrange health coverage for your children while they pursue demanding that your H put your children back on his plan.

HE IS NOW GUILTY OF NEGLECT AND SHOULD BE REPORTED TO CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES! If one of your children has a medical emergency today, you might have to struggle to obtain services for them. THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. Did you arrange an intermediary in your PLAN B? Your WH needs to know that this is not acceptable and that you are taking action on this. It is not OK to put your children in danger. I know about this firsthand in my work life. Not having medical insurance can be a BIG PROBLEM that you never want to have to face....

Also, you probably qualify for grants/loans at your local community college. Check on signing up for a medical transcriptionist course there. It will not be as costly for you....

The priority today is taking care of yourself and your children...

Your WH is LOST...

You are right about that mimi. I am going down there today. Ialready had that planned out. I am applying for food stamps and what ever else I can get.

He is more than lost..... not sure if he is ever gonna make it back ....Anyhow I can't worry over that for now ....

This stuff is awful...

You are not by yourself, Hurting...

The destructiveness and deceitfulness of WSes is unbelievable...

The good news is that YOU WILL BECOME STRONGER..YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS....YOU WILL SURPRISE YOURSELF...

GOD IS ON YOUR SIDE....HAVE FAITH IN HIM...HE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU....

you got that right mimi..... I can't believe how many lies have been told abd how the reguard for other people is gone.... Especially the children.

I just can't believe someone can get so fog brained they just destroy their family so much and don't see it.... It makes me wonder if there will come a time when the fog will be gone or is this really who he is..... Wish I knew ...

hurting-
(((((hugs)))))))
I know here in illinois - if you receive public aide or unemployment- you can go to the city colleges for free!
When you go to social services- talk to them nice- sometimes they are so inundated with demanding people they can be nasty- but when I had gotten laid off a few years ago and wanted to just ask for emergency help for food satmps- I explained it to the worker nicely what i hoped to get and she arrainged for me to get 6 mos food stamps for 3 kids about 350.00 amonth and a medical card. She told me I know you are going to get another job- this will help you thru. Unemployment the same way- the worker was so nice he said Im going to start this and I know something is going to come thru for you quickly- i found a job in a month but from his mouth to god's ear.
I think sometimes it's the way you approach people that may make them want to help.
See your taking the first steps toward your own identity.
The pressure is going to come off after you go to social services.
Were with you!!

oh - i almost forgot hurting- check and see if in your area they have a women in trades program- they train you for free to be a plumber, welder, construction, electrician, -jobs typically held by men. and pay starts here at around 31.00 an hour up to 85.00/90.00 an hour- and they help you get in a union and find jobs.

Orchid: Go to your family court and see about paralegal services. If legal aid can't help you, then ask them for suggestions. IF they can't give you any, then they are NOT a legal aid, then are they? Check out family court and women's services. In most counties there are such offices were you can report an abandoned H.

Also does his work sanction him removing his family from medical coverage? What did he tell them? Go check it out for yourself.


Orchid: OW's are greedy by nature. After they have 'tired' of playing with the soul of the WS, it increases their appettite for bigger game. The next victim is often the BS and family.

She wants what you have.....all of it. If she can, she wants your soul. Be aware and be careful. Not panicky but cautious. Take deep breathes. Some Ows have gone so far as to go to the family homes and removed jewelry, etc. Of course one of the most common things they take besides our spouses, is they want our names Mrs WS. Ha! They don't have it yet but they like to pretend. Very immature. But very real. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

That's why I called OW by her maiden name or married name. LOL!!! She hated it. OW's maiden name is Chew. Guess what she got called. LOL!!!

take care,
L.

Great idea, Orchid. Hurting, might need to expose at his work with his boss.

Ok I just came back from Dept. Of Human services... I got food stamps and insurance on the kids in place but thats about it. they have TANF which is a work skiils program but it won't work for me since he is giving me money. They would only pay me 293.00 per month and i have to do 30 hours a week of job skills training and any money I rescieve from WH would have to be turned in to them ... I can't live on 293.00 a month.... I could work at McDonalds for more than that .....

I asked at DHS what kinda programs they have for displaced homemakers and TANF is it .....So I just have to find a job and keep praying WH gives me money for now..

Orchid your right she is after the big picture here , I know that .... WH says they both gonna get a D and get married.... But he has no idea the house will never be theirs MIL has taken care of that.... he defaulted on the loan to her for the house so she is taking it back ....I will pay her when I get a job. We now have to sign it back to her..... Her and I have a plan so that will be ok....

I have been thinking about talking to his boss in fact this morning... Not sure what good it may do because his boss is going through a D himself. Don't know the why but he is....

The worker at DHS was blown away by this whole mess. She was like he is crazy lol ... She also said he probably has no idea what is going to happen if he files for a D. What he is going to loose and have to pay.... I am pretty sure he is clueless myself.....

I saw OW getting out of her car at work as I drove by on the way home... I came so close to pulling in and letting her have it but I controlled myself and drove on..... Don't know if I can keep from doing that much longer though .... I know she is trash and won't listen or care but I am to the point I don't care..... It would just make me feel better .....

So I am working on things here, just keep hitting road blocks....

Oh that woman ever comes to my home and she will be so sorry..... I can promise her that now .....