I am not answering the phone believer , have not answered it since monday , when he was here ....... doors aew locked and window blinds drawn ..... very dark in here .... gonna stay that way ....

One thing I can say at least I am not falling apart today , in fact I am pretty pissed ..... Me thinks that could be a good thing .....

You should really stop and reread what I, inanutshell, am martin and believer have written to you.

They are all VALID points and I think you are missing the point. You are giving an excuse as to why YOU should handle the bill situation.

I can literally go back 30 pages and it is the same story line over and over. You seriously need to break the cycle. We are all trying to help you here. We see it. Maybe you should go back from the beginning and read all that you have written to see it also.

Clear lines need to be drawn here. Not telling D, etc. about not letting him in. Change those locks. Can't afford it? The next time he comes in you say, "Leave. You don't live here anymore. Leave or I will call the police." You say that over and over. Nothing else. No conversations. Nothing.

I'm sorry that we are all coming down on you right now, but we care for you and want you to snap out of this funk and viscious circle.

I know wifeypoo that you all care and it means alot to me. I honestly see what you all are saying really I do..

I know what I have to do and thats break out of this never ending cycle....

Today was the real eyeopener to me about how I have let him control it all. Well it will be no more .. I know I have said that over and over but I am taking charge now and I won't back down.....

I know this may be hard to believe but after this I actually feel somewhat stronger because of how it all went and made me mad I guess.... I realize I don't need this crap and until the real H comes out , I am done with it all....

Don't need to change the locks he has no key ..... it was me not locking the door that allowed him to barge in .... well its locked now .....

Hurting - I just don't want you to do the bad Plan B that I did. My WH constantly broke it, and all it did was allow him to have me for a back-up while he cemented the relationship with the OW.

I know believer and I thank you for caring and I do understand.... I will follow this through no matter how hard it will be..... I want to be able to say I did it right ...He has been seeing OW since June and living with her since July off and on, so is it possible that the R is cememted already?

I know i have allowed some of this to happen, its hard not seeing him or speaking to him but I do know its for the best for me .....

thanks for hanging in here with me ..... guess I need a good swift kick once in awhile ......

No - their relationship is far from cemented. I do not see that hsppening here. But please don't help her out anymore than you have.

Oh I won't believer ...I am done doing that ....

This is just so hard and confusing as to what to do and not what to do... I know that N/C with his is what I need to do .... is there anything else I need to do ? I mean beside taking care of me and my kids and doing good for us?

Forgive me for pointing something out that is painful to hear:
In reality, you have nothing in writing that says he has to give you ANY money at all for the kids. You no longer have health insurance, so that he can have more money in his pay check. Your old bills are not getting paid because you agreed to pay $20 per month in order to protect his pay check.

I don't want to scare you - I know you are all ready hurting. But if he continues to follow the WH script, as he has so far, the next step is to give you even less money to pay for your bills, buy groceries, etc. He will give you stories like "I can't afford to give you more than $180 this week becuase I had to fix the truck, in order to get to work. The next week it will be "I can only give you $180 again this week, I will try to give you more later".

In my opinion, you need to come down hard on him for cancelling your health insurance. That could become a huge disaster for you, and the extra money he gets in his check each month is not going to pay your bills. It is going to help pay her bills.

One of the biggest A busters is financial trouble. The stress of being broke, and worrying about paying the bills puts the A partners into a horrible mood.

I am going to give you a huge wake up call here - he says he needs that extra money in his pay check to help pay his mom off for the house, fix up the house, etc. You don't want his wages to be garnished because he will give you even less money. But the day is going to come when you are going to find out that meanwhile, he has spent money on that skank. I can guarantee that he has bought her some small token recently. Could be a cheap bracelet, or they may be planning a weekend getaway where they spend a night in a hotel. This is part of the scrpt too, and it will make you even angrier when you realize how much you are doing without so that he can spend money on her.

I hope I am wrong.
But I have seen this too many times....

You sound like an awesome woman. Hang in there.

I can step in here and totally attest to this. I am also in Plan B...WS took his last check and against the requests of his NOW exbusiness partner took OW down to Houston for a funfilled weekend. They blew 700.00 on a hotel for two nights and partying it up.

Now he's coming to me today for a car payment and won't leave me alone. He's fallen 2 mos behind on his car payment now. OW car is also in the process of being repossessed but they hid the car. So honey stick to your guns, I know I am just a newbie on here but I've already seen exactly what everyone is saying on here. I wish you could get some sort of legal assistance somehow someway because I think he can be forced to pay for the children's insurance. I wonder if you can find an attorney to file for legal separation and have them request that WS pays for legal expenses. You would also get a guaranteed amount of Child Support while you are separated. Give it a shot honey!!

Best to you...I've been following your thread because in many ways we are closely tied...same time frames and situation...my best to you!!

You may be right wifey but at this point in time I can't worry over it...

My biggest goal is finding a job and not having to depend on him so much for the money.. I know exactly how much he gets everyweek and believe me as it is he gives me about 80% of his pay... Not to say that won't change but so far so good ... I know once I get a job that won't happen but for now it is.... He barely has enough left to keep gas in his gas guzzler more or less help her with her bills.... Of that I am sure ...

Thank you for calling me awesome ... i sure don't feel like it. I feel more like a blubbering fool for allowing WH to contro me like he has been ... In my real life before this I was not like that I was a take charge person allowed no one to use me. But since all this happen I have become a weak fool and have allowed him to manipulate me and control me .... Well no more I have to bring that strong person back out and move on with or without him .....

I also have followed your thread sadie and I see how much things seem to be alike. I wish you the best as well ....

I did try with some attorneys I spoke to try and get it were he had to pay but it was a no go ..... They want the money up front and then if he pays it they would give it back to me ... So I am kinda stuck in that situation...

Well one thing for sure he can't come to me for money ... I have none .....

Refresh my memory. What books have you read at his point?

How about "Hope For the Seperated?" by Gary Chapman?
and "Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. I especially like The Purpose Driven Life becuase it will help you focus on YOU and not just him.
These books should be at your local library, or they would also be available at most church libraries.

Are you taking a walk every day to improve your physical health? Are you taking vitamins? Drinking plenty of water?

Do you see what I am getting at? All those things that you know you are supposed to do, that are supposed to be good for you. Now is the time to do them. Every time you leave the house, make sure you hair and makeup look great. Polish your nails-fingers and toes. Look your best everyday, and eventually you will start to feel your best.I am not suggesting that you do all these things in order to win back your WH. I am suggesting that you do all these things to make yourself feel better!

It may sound silly, but I promise it will work.

I have read SAA and The road less traveled so far.... Alot of the book people mention are not at my library I have checked... And I have to order them at the bookstore...

I do my hair and makeup every day I go out of the house. About the only thing I am having trouble with is eating ..I have lost almost 40 lbs since this all started in June... I needed to loose the weight for sure but not like this...I sure have had alot of people comment on how good I am looking though .... I am making myself eat but sometimes its hard to do .....I do the polish thing to so I am doing some of this stuff.....

It does help me feel better about myself, when I look in the mirror and see someone who looks confident... Just wish I felt it some days its hard ......

The one thing I need for sure is some new clothes they are all falling off of me .... lol

I get a feeling infidelity will be the new weight loss program! Lost 4" off my waist alone. I do have an awesome set of abs going though! I have not looked like this since high school.
I just donated a bunch of my stuff to Valley Big Brothers. Got tired of adding new notches to my belt!
Hurting, just keep on keeping on for now!

BKarl good for you .... its not the best way to do it but it has made me feel better and looking better....

One day someone asked me how did I do it so fast ... I said " It's called the Affair Diet" she looked at me and said do what ? I had to laugh it was funny .... I told her whatever you do don't try it .....

But all in all things will be ok of that I am sure ..... One way or the other ...

You keep on keeping on to BKarl.....

LOL! Can totally relate to the "Affair Diet"...not sure of the exact amount but I went from an 8 to a 4 (some even baggy). I found that it's not that I'm eating less due to stress, but I'm not eating out like we always did and I am not eating all his home cooked food. I am eating quite sensible and working out with pilates/yoga almost every day. Still too hot to walk in Dallas.

I have never been one to get on a scale. Just don't like them, I've always gone by how my clothes fit me...and boy have I been going through the clothes. That was my treat to myself...I've been picking up a piece here or there. I work in front of a computer most of the day but I am opening up my own shop next week so I slowly started adding a "shop wardrobe." It's been fund doing that for myself. Everyone has definitely noticed though and is commenting about me.

I have learned over the past 2 mos how to take care of me. Reading, exercising, meditating and learning who I am again.

Wow congrats on opening a new shop sadie..... what kinda shop is it?

And good for you taking care of yourself so good.... I will admit I have not done such a good job at that .. I have let this whole situation consume me... But I realize now I can't do that anymore....

So onward and upward I must go .... Take the good with the bad and just live and be happy best way I n=know how .....

It's a bath body and fragrance boutique. We had signed the lease papers a week after WS was out of the house. At the time I thought he was living with a friend. It wasn't until the following night that I found out he was living with the friend but sharing a bed with OW also in the house. Sigh...this was our dream and he was moving his business into the back office. But oh well...that's another long story.

I do everything I can for distractions from all the drama. It still does catch up to me though. Just like today's nonsense. I am thankful I found this place also. But I am ever so thankful for my therapist who has helped me a great deal.

You will be fine...this will make us both stronger.

BTW...I did some snooping on the net...According to Oklahoma law you can get alimony/child support since he has moved out. But you'd have to file a legal separation. I don't think you are to that point. But that would safe guard you for money.

I've recently read Love Must Be Tough by James Dobson. Actualy read it twice, might just have to buy it to keep around. Marianne Williamson "Return to Love" Both excellent reads. Also have read a few books by Melody Beattie about Codependency. Not sure that is an issue for you but it certainly became one for me the past few months.

Wow the shop sounds wonderful sadie. I am sure you will do great. One thing for sure it will keep you busy. Good luck with it.

I wanted to file legal sep. but didn't have the money for it .. and the attorney was like you might as well file divorce , I said no that not what I want...anyhow he has done real well with the money so far. So as long as he continues that it will be ok.

Once I find a job everything will fall into place for me i am sure..... It will sure help me from thinking all the time ....

I just want to add one thing.Maybe you don't realise it...
All this people that are helpping you are very wise but in this story you are the one that does the hard part,you are the HERO.
Take care of you:)