Hurting - I think your best bet would be to defend your husband (not the WS) to your kids. When he does these whacked out things, tell them "your father would never do something like that", he must be confused right now. See if they can notice the difference between their dad and the WS.

Some of the most important lessons I learned in Plan B:

I learned how addicted I was to him and all the drama...I couldn't let it go, it felt like giving up...I felt I had to DO something. I had to give that up and realize I wasn't able to DO anything to/with him...the choices he made were entirely separate from me. I had to realize how disrespectful I had been throughout our M by assuming I could say or do something to control his actions.

AND

I learned how dependent I had become on him for doing taks around the house. I found I was able to do almost ANYTHING around the house (repairs, cleanup, etc.) and had depended on him to do so much work...

AND

Once I was away from the constant reminders of the hurt and pain, I was happier.

Do this on faith....

DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING THAT YOUR WH SAYS.....

Say to yourself:

I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO FULLY COMPREHEND MY WH..

HE SPEAKS A FOREIGN LANGUAGE ThAT I CANNOT UNDERSTAND

HE HAS BEEN CAPTURED BY AN ALIEN!!

I had to repeat such statements to myself over and over and over again...

Say these things to yourself when you start obsessing about him....

This is just so hard ....

this is the longest in 24 yrs we have never spoken to each other and its killing me. Even when he was on the road we spoke every night.

I know you all are trying to get me to stop obsessing about this its just so hard....

I think once he is gone on the 26 I can relax about it a little more because I know he will be nowhere around to be able to have contact. Please don't give up on me.... I am trying so hard....

Have you heard anything about that job yet? If not you should follow up with a quick note saying you enjoyed meeting them and thanking them for the interview and that you hope to hear from them soon.

It would be great to start a new job while he is gone to help keep your mind occupied.

Hurting - I copied this post from Shugah to saving - I thought it might help.

SM...
I've quickly read through your thread....a couple of things come to mind.

Your WH will need to crash, as all Addicts will sooner or later....at that point, if you have done your homework, have yourself in a healthy place and have tucked away in a safe place those tender feelings you once had for your H.....you will be ready to begin the recovery process.

The drama will prolong this process.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT play into the disrespect and name calling that I have seen here...."sleazy rat bag, scum bag"...etc., it will do more to burn out that love that still remains for your WH....these names will be on your mind when you see WH....your anger will show through even though you are working hard to be pleasant...Sure WH may not be a nice person right now....but HE is the one who is lost....he is the one who needs the lighthouse to guide him back....and there is a very good chance that this will happen.

NO Drama....No lecturing, teaching, demands, etc.... hold firm to your boundaries in a calm and respectful manner....keep your household and children in a routine....stay focused and begin your inner healing....no matter what happens you will be alright!

How do I know this? I, like a lot of folks here...have walked this road before you.
It took 2 years....2 LONG years of WH's anger, my anger....and a Divorce....but WH finally did crash....and fortunately for all of us....I had kept on a healing track, kept learning, trying to understand...I had tucked away the love I had for my H....and when it was time....I was able to reach out and he was ready to take hold of my hand.....together we are putting our family and our lives back together...

Does everyone understand how I could do that? Probably not. But that's not my concern. Was I honest with everyone all along the way...yes...I wanted to save my marriage....so when the time came, it wasn't that much of a surprise to them....well, maybe it was....

But anyways...remember this....no matter how bad it "looks"....the road your WH has chosen is wrought with guilt, shame, anger, indicision and confusion.....he'll need to work through that and it may not be pretty. SO it's important to protect yourself from that. Now is the time to put your best foot forward...for you and your children(and WH)....show your strength....your compassion....your ability to move forward despite this incredible challenge.

I do know that even if my FWXH did not come home...I was going to be alright....but I didn't know that at first...I had a lot to learn!!

Your WH's visit home may be a good thing....but don't expect miracles....don't get discouraged. My WH would be adament about being happier with the OW and then would show signs of wanting to come back... and then he would retreat again to the A....it can be extremely frustrating and can set u back....so again try to protect yourself from that kind of hurt....You should begin thinking Plan B....in hind sight, I could have done a better job at protecting myself.

Take care SM....there's some good advice on this site....it can be a good place to vent....but more importantly you need a plan and a good solid understanding of what's happening and why, there are chemicals at work here....Try..."Why we Love", by Helen Fischer.

What about going to school?

I bet you could get a Student Loan...

I already have student loans out the butt from truck driving school.... I have them in forberance now cause I can't pay them ....

I just returned from the lawyers office. We gave my SIL temporary custody of DS so he can continue in his same school. He will still be here but going to her home during the week for school... Its all so confusing... I broke down signing those papers. I went before WH so I would not have to see him.... Does he not see what he is doing to our family???? He is tearing it all apart over this A. My SIL is being so good to me with this. DS will knows he is not really moving to SIL's but he will be spending a lot of time there due to school...

This whole thing has turned our lives into a living he$$... I just don't know how much more I can take....

I have walked in your shoes...have said these same words..

But what else are you going to do?

There is nothing else that you can do right now...

I used to deal with it like labor pains..bear with this pain and it will be over soon..until the next pain...and then you'll deal with that one...

Remember: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on own understanding.. He will direct your paths...

How about a job as a TRUCK DRIVER? I won't give up. Will I?

A truck driver would be great but I can't leave my home and kids for weeks at a time. its enough their dad has done that right now....

If there were some local jobs that would be ok but most require OTR around here.

I don't think this is the time for me to be gone as well my kids need me here.

Now if I lived in a bigger city I could find a local job driving....

I have never been on the road by myself and I am not sure I would be comfortable doing that. We were always a team and in the same truck. I know it sound defeatest but I can't do that OTR by myself....

I just feel like I am fighting a losing battle here.... I just feel like saying , you want to be with OW then do it. I don't have any fight left in me right now.....

Take a few deep breaths. Do you have any calming music? That used to help me. Think about this...



What will this accomplish? Really?

Do you have any of his stuff that you can trash??

That also helps....

Oh I have almost all of his stuff. He has never gotten anything else from the house.... 90% of his clothes are here and most of his personal stuff is here.. All he took was one suticase of clothes and some stuff on hangers... Oh yeah and his gun cabinet which is at my SIL's.

What would it accomplish, it would give him what he wants right now with no stopping him from me.... I just am so confused right now.

I am so tired of one day its one way and the next its like he never said it....

I am tired of him telling my children all of his babble....

I an tired of hearing my son say to me Mom how can he say he loves both of you..

I am tired of my life being all about what he has done to us....

I'm just so tired of it all...

I just want to b happy again....

I want peace in my life and without some kind of resolution soon I don't see how that can happen

I do still love my H very much ...

I don't want to give up but I am afraid that I will ....

something in my gut tells me that hen he comes back off the road sometime next month he will have made some kind of decsision. and to be honest I don't think I am going to like it.... I am pretty sure while he is gone he will be a least talking to OW on the phone when he stops. So he will still have contact with her so no hopes of withdrawl from her. this really scares me....

Hurting,

Please hang in there! Remember, it's a rollercoaster, and you're in one whether you like it or not.

These 'moments' you are having are very familiar to me and to many of us here. I can still 'hear' the vets telling me that it's normal to have these feelings under the circumstances. Please tell yourself that it will get better. For me, what sometimes works is repeating over and over a sentence suggested in an article: "I will make it, with or without him".

I wish I could be more helpful, but this is all new to me too.

Hurting, expect these moments and you won't be caught off guard as much.

Try this. Put your left hand over your right shoulder, and put your right hand over your left shoulder: {{{{hugs a la Orchid}}}}}}

Isn't this telling you something? He's planning on coming back. You are showing him the way....


Oh, Hurting? You are wanting to hand him to her on a silver platter? As I said before, what would that accomplish for you and your family? You are going to make it easy for them to destroy you? You are going to help them with this?

I think you are continuing to be too involved with HIM and HIS DRAMA...

Let your DD talk with him in another room..

No need to talk with either of your children about HIM..It's not going to help THEM or YOU...What he does is BEYOND YOUR CONTROL...

Plan FUN activities with just the THREE OF YOU with NO discussions about HIM...



You see here.. You are continuing to focus on HIM and what HE will be doing and thinking...

ALL OF THIS IS TOTALLY OUT OF YOUR CONTROL...

YOU CANNOT BE SURE OF ANYTHING......

Hurting, I know exactly how you are feeling. I am sharing with you what I had to learn the hard way. Also, in now listening to my FWH, most of my presumptions about what he was doing and what he was thinking WERE TOTALLY WRONG! You are making these presumptions based on the the person he was prior to the A.

Remember, presently he is temporarily insane. HE IS NOT MAKING LOGICAL DECISIONS. He is like a junky on the street..trying to make it until he gets the next fix. I would try to stop the children from creating drama for him because he will use that as an excuse to obtain comfort from the OW.

It's best for him to stay in his crazy world with her 24/7. That would be best.. Yes, better than him going on the road...

However, you cannot control or understand or make sense of any of this....

You just have to KEEP THE FAITH THAT GOD IS IN CONTROL AND WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU....

GET BACK UP ON THE HORSE NOW....FIGHT THE FIGHT...YOU CAN DO THIS....

I keep telling myself thats why he has not gotten his stuff. But my logical mind tells me he has no place to take it to.

NO!!!!! I don't want to hand him to her on a silver platter, I never wanted that. I don't want her to have him at all.... I want her gone from his life and my life......

I really am not giving up I am following the plan , I just wish I could do more ......

What I would really like to do is just go over there and drag him out ...... But I know that would never work..... So scrap that idea.....

I had actually thought at first him going on the road would be a good thing myself. But after I really thought about it I realized it was not because they won't be together that much so less time for the fantasy to fall apart.. Well nothing can be done about it now.... Only think is I hope she can't handle him being gone.....

Mimi thank you for being the voice of reasoning here... If I hadt o do this on my own I would have surely screwed up big time by now.....

I think that you are doing as well as can be expected given the cards that you have been dealt..

You sound so much like I did....

I still say, if he was finished with you, he would get those clothes...

He is marking his spot with you...keeping his scent there...men are so bestial...

I guess we will see. He has until the 26th to get them if he needs them. he kept saying for the last month he was going to get a storage unit but so far not....

I don't know about marking his spot but who knows....

Well I am going to get busy doing some cleaning here and get my mind off this stuff.....

sorry,
wrong thread

Well I got the kitchen cleaned up , did some laundry and then played a few games on pogo..... So all that helped me take my mind off this stuff....

I have got to find a job soon..... I need one bad not just for the money but for my sanity.....

I do feel better this evening.... I am not a distraught for sure.... I know I have to take care of myself and the kids and make us some sort of normal life. We have been in limbo way to long.....